Work buddy and a close friend left me alone

[JustSomeGuy_92]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's great to meet people at work and be friends, date, etc.  Especially wonderful for future networking, getting clients if that is relevant, etc.  When it comes to dating though I'd limit it to people you do not work directly with, would never work directly with and hopefully in another department/division.  

I agree with the others -you're crossing way too many boundaries in an unprofessional and unhealthful way.

She started coming onto me. I did not. Then she started looking for someone better. I felt at one point that she sees almost every guy as a candidate. I am thinking about switching to another company and be out of this *** forever.

[boltnrun]

Just now, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

She started coming onto me. I did not. Then she started looking for someone better. I felt at one point that she sees almost every guy as a candidate. I am thinking about switching to another company and be out of this *** forever.

Why?

Why not just be professional and polite and keep all your interactions with her about work only?

[JustSomeGuy_92]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's great to meet people at work and be friends, date, etc.  Especially wonderful for future networking, getting clients if that is relevant, etc.  When it comes to dating though I'd limit it to people you do not work directly with, would never work directly with and hopefully in another department/division.  

I agree with the others -you're crossing way too many boundaries in an unprofessional and unhealthful way.

You are right anyway. I need to straighten my behavior. This is of course very unprofessional. I should not be doing this at all.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Why?

Why not just be professional and polite and keep all your interactions with her about work only?

I should be doing this ideally. I want to but it seems to be the hardest thing right now. The other way for me is to switch the pool completely and work somewhere else within this company. This is also a possibility.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

6 hours ago, LaHermes said:

I would suggest the same OP. 

And I agree with DF that you have learnt the hard way that it is best not to get romantically with a co-worker or anyone in your workplace.  

"Never ever again, mix business and pleasure. It is a recipe for disaster more often than not."

There is a big world out there beyond the four walls of the workplace building.  

Wishing you the best.

 

Yes, that gives me hope. There is a bog world outside both career-wise and seeking a partner too. This is a very hard lesson for me as I have to do my job everyday and get to see these toxic games too at the same place.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Stay professional, do not flirt with her and do not message her or reply to messages outside of work hours. Do not respond to anything that is not work related.

And then make efforts to meet people outside of work. Once you start having friends and activities outside of work this woman won't matter to you anymore.

Thanks for this. I have avoided flirting and talking for a good number of days but I have kept my sight on her messages and acitivites very obsessively edpecially after she came back to me (as her rebound).
She even used the phrase "They (refering to Joe) can go to hell." at one time and stayed late night talking to me while we worked. After that, I started losing it again. I was going strong. And now here I am again !!!

(BTW I am thankful to you and everyone else writing all these messages for me. You guys are angels, just being here for a complete stranger. While I am so hurt that nothing, absolutely nothing is making sense to me. I am also very thankful for all of you and to this platform)

[JustSomeGuy_92]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Same advice as before stands.

She can't flirt with you unless you engage and flirt back. She can't whine to you about whoever, unless you are willing to listen and do so.

Being professional means learning how to have clear boundaries with people. If someone tries to flirt with you and you think it's no good for you, you don't respond and redirect them back to work. If they try to talk to you about things that are not work related, you change the conversation immediately back to work or excuse yourself if there is nothing to discuss about work in that moment. "Sorry to hear that, I've got this thing I need to address. Talk to you tomorrow at y time about x progress on project." - you politely cut them off like and redirect things back to strictly work.

As for why she does what she does with the other guy - none of your business. As for you, she plays you along because she thinks you are an easy to play and manipulate kind of a fool. Convenient to her to use as needed. Your helpfulness is not valued, it's looked down upon. So please, find some self respect and drop this chic for good.

You seem kind of stuck in this competition with this guy where you see him as bad and yourself as good and can't seem to understand why she doesn't pick good. Not everyone values good and keep in mind that like attracts like. Meaning she isn't exactly a catch herself. Basically, learn to focus your energies and what you bring to the table on those who actually value that and have same shared values. This girl is the opposite of all that and you aren't going to change her or fix her into being who you want her to be.

Once you grasp that, perhaps you can move on better and actually find someone worthwhile to date.

You seem kind of stuck in this competition with this guy where you see him as bad and yourself as good and can't seem to understand why she doesn't pick good. Not everyone values good and keep in mind that like attracts like. Meaning she isn't exactly a catch herself. Basically, learn to focus your energies and what you bring to the table on those who actually value that and have same shared values. This girl is the opposite of all that and you aren't going to change her or fix her into being who you want her to be.

 

I do feel like my self respect is lost in this "competition". But then there is a natural competition within the team to get more visibility and stand out in the team. That stands still. It is the ground truth here that the ones with stronger office politics get on top quickly. Of course I wish to compete as well.
Why she gives him boost and uplifts him before the manager and not me while I was there to help her on her task, I just don't understand that.

 

Thanks for writing all this though. I just need to be out of this competition as soon as possible one way or the other. Mental health is more important than anything else. I will try to be out of this situation first by avoiding sweet talks with her if that does not work then I will look for other opportunities within/outside this company in order to move on. Thank you so so muchh for being here for me. I definitely need to be out of this. I cannot stay in the same mental state for very long.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

All these thoughts do come in my mind. I just find it so hard them so hard to implement. :((
Guess I need to work on my emotions any way I can.

Work on choosing different reactions to your emotions. You can't control your emotions.  Of course it's hard.  But it's very rewarding when you learn to make better choices as to how you choose to react.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

She started coming onto me. I did not. Then she started looking for someone better. I felt at one point that she sees almost every guy as a candidate. I am thinking about switching to another company and be out of this *** forever.

It doesn't matter who started it.

[Rose Mosse]

It might do you good to take a good look at what attracts you to her and re-evaluate what traits you look for in a partner instead of shoving it under the carpet and simply finding a new job. You'll be with a new employer and vulnerable to the whims and attention of every female employee who smiles at you or offers you friendly conversation. Your screening of people comes from within you and it's a bit wonky right now. You have to fix that and not expect the world to always act appropriately. It won't. 

Take a good look at why you're so open and taken in or affected by this. I think if you broaden your scope and look seriously at what you're interested in in a partner you'll more than likely see this woman is somewhat bottom of the barrel when it comes to character traits. 

 

[JustSomeGuy_92]

On 5/21/2021 at 10:22 PM, Rose Mosse said:

It might do you good to take a good look at what attracts you to her and re-evaluate what traits you look for in a partner instead of shoving it under the carpet and simply finding a new job. You'll be with a new employer and vulnerable to the whims and attention of every female employee who smiles at you or offers you friendly conversation. Your screening of people comes from within you and it's a bit wonky right now. You have to fix that and not expect the world to always act appropriately. It won't. 

Take a good look at why you're so open and taken in or affected by this. I think if you broaden your scope and look seriously at what you're interested in in a partner you'll more than likely see this woman is somewhat bottom of the barrel when it comes to character traits. 

 

I am reading it again and again. This is just so thoughtful. Thanks a million !

[Tinydance]

I think the problem is that it's actually you who is too addicted to this girl and you can't get away. If you weren't so fixated on her, you wouldn't really care about her or what she's doing. I think the best you can do is avoid her as much as you possibly can. Never talk to her at all unless it's only for work and you absolutely have to talk to her. Start dating other women from online dating. Start putting yourself out there and going out and meeting new friends in general. Also are you sure you actually want to work in a job where you work 14 hours a day? That's double than supposed to be normal work hours. Your job doesn't allow you to meet any other women or have any other friends who are not at work. You won't be able to move on from her if you never spend time with any other females but her.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think the problem is that it's actually you who is too addicted to this girl and you can't get away. If you weren't so fixated on her, you wouldn't really care about her or what she's doing. I think the best you can do is avoid her as much as you possibly can. Never talk to her at all unless it's only for work and you absolutely have to talk to her. Start dating other women from online dating. Start putting yourself out there and going out and meeting new friends in general. Also are you sure you actually want to work in a job where you work 14 hours a day? That's double than supposed to be normal work hours. Your job doesn't allow you to meet any other women or have any other friends who are not at work. You won't be able to move on from her if you never spend time with any other females but her.

I haven't had a 7 hour a day full time job since 1991 when I was in my early 20s -at least here that's rare unless it's just a job and not a career or a profession.  I do agree that he might want to switch departments for sure.  When I worked those kinds of hours -and not even predictable hours - I might work 7 hours one day, 16 the next, and then get a call Friday at 5 and work all weekend long - I was able to date a lot, have an active social life and because I was working towards my professional goals and financially independent it helped me be more selective about who I dated and spent my precious free time with. 

Many of my friends worked those crazy hours too including my future husband who I met at work and my long term serious boyfriends before him (and after, since we broke up for years).  I really didn't know anyone who worked a 35-40 hour week with the exception of people who were also artists or had a side business that was their passion and then the job was just a job to allow them to pursue their art/passion.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

On 5/23/2021 at 8:55 AM, Tinydance said:

I think the problem is that it's actually you who is too addicted to this girl and you can't get away. If you weren't so fixated on her, you wouldn't really care about her or what she's doing. I think the best you can do is avoid her as much as you possibly can. Never talk to her at all unless it's only for work and you absolutely have to talk to her. Start dating other women from online dating. Start putting yourself out there and going out and meeting new friends in general. Also are you sure you actually want to work in a job where you work 14 hours a day? That's double than supposed to be normal work hours. Your job doesn't allow you to meet any other women or have any other friends who are not at work. You won't be able to move on from her if you never spend time with any other females but her.

Hi. Would b very nice if you could please read the entire thread before. I was and am doing everything to move on from her. It gets better when our paths do not cross. Also I requested in the very beggining to be more considerate since the situation is very weird. It is solely for the purpose of moving on, that I thought about switching away to another department/team or even switch job. Its like I am not putting in any effor. Regarding job choice, you have no idea on the ground realities here: In my country, it is really really hard to find a good high paying job. The ones that pay the most usually have such rigorous workload. This is true across all the top consultancies in the world.

I am moving on now and doing much better and the best thing I did to myself was to stop even thinking what she is upto ? She does come back occasionally, when runs into similar issues with Joe LOL! but I have read her personality now.

Some of the best suggestions I got, are from this platform.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

On 5/23/2021 at 5:48 PM, Batya33 said:

I haven't had a 7 hour a day full time job since 1991 when I was in my early 20s -at least here that's rare unless it's just a job and not a career or a profession.  I do agree that he might want to switch departments for sure.  When I worked those kinds of hours -and not even predictable hours - I might work 7 hours one day, 16 the next, and then get a call Friday at 5 and work all weekend long - I was able to date a lot, have an active social life and because I was working towards my professional goals and financially independent it helped me be more selective about who I dated and spent my precious free time with. 

Many of my friends worked those crazy hours too including my future husband who I met at work and my long term serious boyfriends before him (and after, since we broke up for years).  I really didn't know anyone who worked a 35-40 hour week with the exception of people who were also artists or had a side business that was their passion and then the job was just a job to allow them to pursue their art/passion.

Thank you so much for writing this. THIS is so much like me. Any office that takes so much time from our everyday life becomes our life (~pretty much). Thank you so so much !!!

[Tinydance]

26 minutes ago, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

Hi. Would b very nice if you could please read the entire thread before. I was and am doing everything to move on from her. It gets better when our paths do not cross. Also I requested in the very beggining to be more considerate since the situation is very weird. It is solely for the purpose of moving on, that I thought about switching away to another department/team or even switch job. Its like I am not putting in any effor. Regarding job choice, you have no idea on the ground realities here: In my country, it is really really hard to find a good high paying job. The ones that pay the most usually have such rigorous workload. This is true across all the top consultancies in the world.

I am moving on now and doing much better and the best thing I did to myself was to stop even thinking what she is upto ? She does come back occasionally, when runs into similar issues with Joe LOL! but I have read her personality now.

Some of the best suggestions I got, are from this platform.

I actually didn't say that you weren't making any effort. Well truth be told I didn't know what exact effort you were making, as you only just replied now lol What I meant was that in your mind your were very fixated on this girl and very into her. I'm saying this is how you felt. So therefore to start to get rid of those feelings as much as possible you'd have to avoid her and not see her if possible.

I'm not telling you what to do and what job to work. That is your life and your choice of course. I just meant if you want a girlfriend in general, working 14 hour days doesn't actually leave you any time outside of work to have a social life. Which seemed like may have been the reason why you decided to date a woman at work (always a bad idea to be honest). And due to having a dated a colleague, you then couldn't completely avoid her because you work together. If you could date women outside of work, it wouldn't be as awkward if it didn't work out. Besides there are so many more different women outside of your job than there are at your work. But again, if there is no other opportunity to get a different job or you are happy to stay at your job, of course that is totally up to you. 

I actually don't think I was being insensitive, I was giving you specific advice, which you asked for by writing your post.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

32 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually didn't say that you weren't making any effort. Well truth be told I didn't know what exact effort you were making, as you only just replied now lol What I meant was that in your mind your were very fixated on this girl and very into her. I'm saying this is how you felt. So therefore to start to get rid of those feelings as much as possible you'd have to avoid her and not see her if possible.

I'm not telling you what to do and what job to work. That is your life and your choice of course. I just meant if you want a girlfriend in general, working 14 hour days doesn't actually leave you any time outside of work to have a social life. Which seemed like may have been the reason why you decided to date a woman at work (always a bad idea to be honest). And due to having a dated a colleague, you then couldn't completely avoid her because you work together. If you could date women outside of work, it wouldn't be as awkward if it didn't work out. Besides there are so many more different women outside of your job than there are at your work. But again, if there is no other opportunity to get a different job or you are happy to stay at your job, of course that is totally up to you. 

I actually don't think I was being insensitive, I was giving you specific advice, which you asked for by writing your post.

Thank you sooo much for clarifying and being considerate about it :))
I kinda felt bad then but its ok now. Yes, I am not left with any life outside the office. That is why I did not say NO to her at any time. I am doing all I can of course, to have things in my favor.

Kindest Regards :))

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

Thank you sooo much for clarifying and being considerate about it :))
I kinda felt bad then but its ok now. Yes, I am not left with any life outside the office. That is why I did not say NO to her at any time. I am doing all I can of course, to have things in my favor.

Kindest Regards :))

I'm glad you're feeling better 🙂