Work buddy and a close friend left me alone

[JustSomeGuy_92]

Hi, I am writing this primarily as a request for a boost and secondarily for an advice. I found this place to be a safe space for anyone to open up.

This new girl joined my office four months back. I (male 26) was her first friend here. We quickly became close friends. We used to chat all day long. I used to help her through everything. I was also her first-go-to person as well. In a matter of three months, we developed a very strong bond. She used to complain to me about the rest of the people being boring and not cooperative.  We would gossip a lot. I was there for here and with her all the time, everywhere. She became my work buddy and we developed our inside jokes as well. However, she was assigned a different team with a guy here. I will call him Joe. She worked with him one whole month but I saw no change in her apparent behavior during the time. She would still hang out with me. We started dating and talking about marriage/ life goals as well. I was getting serious about her. Then a bit of rotation in jobs happened as new people joined in. I was expecting that we will request the manager to shift to the new spot in my team so that she and I can share tasks too. But all of a sudden, she became friends with Joe. They started chatting and hanging out like crazy. The bond felt so strong to me, she started pushing me back and would only talk to me when he was not around. I became a backup option for her. I complained to her once about this. Initially, she got quiet. I felt that she was feeling guilty and reassured me that this is not true and that we were still the same. However, just after a day of staying reluctant, I noticed that she became even more closer to him. They started chatting excessively even after office hours, at nights too. This has been on going for two weeks. They were always together, day and night. Her replies to me started getting shorter and much delayed. She would respond me after hours and once or twice after a whole day. This, as I understand, is communication as a weapon and not key to resolve things. They both requested the manager to keep them in the same team and the level of enthusiasm she put in to make that happen made me really upset. I feel extremely sad, betrayed and left alone. I can't leave my job. Is it normal to feel like switching away to another workplace for this reason? I am being paid really well here. But I feel like I have become too alone and undesirable for no reason. Its not just that I lost someone I was dating. I have also lost my work buddy, and someone I had feelings for, someone who I helped thoroughly so that I can have a close friend in the office. Office politics and having connections is also a thing of importance here. I have a good reputation in the office and so does she. There is another aspect to it as well, Joe will have an advantage over me as he might have more votes on his side whenever the time for choosing the leads come again. I am feeling very low and abandoned. I want to make new friends here and stay good with everyone as I always want to. But seeing them together and noticing that I have been replaced just makes me very sad. I want to cry about it. I talked to her once again. Her attitude told me that deep down, she knows she has done me wrong. Her replies sounded like she wants to escape the situation. Even taking his name just for once brought about a volatile reaction in her clearly indicating that she is avoiding any discussion on this. My one simple text asking about her and Joe all of a sudden moving in a new team brought so much reaction from her. I don't know now what to do. I feel very abandoned here as I lost my work buddy, someone I used to hang out here, someone I was dating too.

Is there any suggestion for me? I would really appreciate any help that comes for me.

[DancingFool]

First I'm really sorry you are hurting and big internet hugs to you.

Unfortunately, you are learning the very hard way why you should never ever get involved romantically with your co-workers. Especially so when you work closely together and/or the workplace office politics can be intense. Dating and relationship do end more often than not and when they do, dealing with seeing your ex every single day will be very hard.

My advice is really going to be pragmatic. First and foremost - stop trying to talk to her or follow what teams she is assigned to and what she is doing with who. Absolutely do not interact with her outside of work related necessity and then keep it strictly to work only. Do not try to get personal with her or question her about her choices because you are risking a sexual harassment claim against you if she gets annoyed or too uncomfortable with your questioning and heartbreak. At the end of the day, she doesn't actually owe you answers on her dating choices. Might sound harsh, but it's truth nevertheless. 

Second is that as you take that big step back at work, focus on being strictly professional and doing your job. Seek friendships and dating outside of work. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Either focus on that OR learn and engage in something new to help you get out of this funk. Get out of your comfort zone.

Going forward, keep your work and personal life separate. It will save you a lot of grief. If you really must get away from this workplace, then start looking now and again, focus on your search. Do not quit and look because that can make getting a new job harder. Look for a new job while you still have a job. Never ever again, mix business and pleasure. It is a recipe for disaster more often than not.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't recommend quitting your job if your career means something to you. If the relationship is not working, end that and straighten out your priorities at work. 

She doesn't sound very interested in being around you or talking with you. Why would you burn your bridges at work or what you've tried to build in your professional life just for one woman who isn't even one year into the company? Do you think this relationship has a leg to stand on? 

Think big picture and don't let the momentary emotions of things cloud you. Think beyond all this - six months, two years, five years down the line and where you want to be professionally, personally. This woman might not be what you seek in a long term partner either if she's moving from man to man in the company and flirting with everyone. 

 

 

 

[JustSomeGuy_92]

16 hours ago, DancingFool said:

First I'm really sorry you are hurting and big internet hugs to you.

Unfortunately, you are learning the very hard way why you should never ever get involved romantically with your co-workers. Especially so when you work closely together and/or the workplace office politics can be intense. Dating and relationship do end more often than not and when they do, dealing with seeing your ex every single day will be very hard.

My advice is really going to be pragmatic. First and foremost - stop trying to talk to her or follow what teams she is assigned to and what she is doing with who. Absolutely do not interact with her outside of work related necessity and then keep it strictly to work only. Do not try to get personal with her or question her about her choices because you are risking a sexual harassment claim against you if she gets annoyed or too uncomfortable with your questioning and heartbreak. At the end of the day, she doesn't actually owe you answers on her dating choices. Might sound harsh, but it's truth nevertheless. 

Second is that as you take that big step back at work, focus on being strictly professional and doing your job. Seek friendships and dating outside of work. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Either focus on that OR learn and engage in something new to help you get out of this funk. Get out of your comfort zone.

Going forward, keep your work and personal life separate. It will save you a lot of grief. If you really must get away from this workplace, then start looking now and again, focus on your search. Do not quit and look because that can make getting a new job harder. Look for a new job while you still have a job. Never ever again, mix business and pleasure. It is a recipe for disaster more often than not.

Thank you so so much. I will definitely follow your advice. So kind of you to read and write for me.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

15 hours ago, DancingFool said:

First I'm really sorry you are hurting and big internet hugs to you.

Unfortunately, you are learning the very hard way why you should never ever get involved romantically with your co-workers. Especially so when you work closely together and/or the workplace office politics can be intense. Dating and relationship do end more often than not and when they do, dealing with seeing your ex every single day will be very hard.

My advice is really going to be pragmatic. First and foremost - stop trying to talk to her or follow what teams she is assigned to and what she is doing with who. Absolutely do not interact with her outside of work related necessity and then keep it strictly to work only. Do not try to get personal with her or question her about her choices because you are risking a sexual harassment claim against you if she gets annoyed or too uncomfortable with your questioning and heartbreak. At the end of the day, she doesn't actually owe you answers on her dating choices. Might sound harsh, but it's truth nevertheless. 

Second is that as you take that big step back at work, focus on being strictly professional and doing your job. Seek friendships and dating outside of work. Do you have any hobbies or interests? Either focus on that OR learn and engage in something new to help you get out of this funk. Get out of your comfort zone.

Going forward, keep your work and personal life separate. It will save you a lot of grief. If you really must get away from this workplace, then start looking now and again, focus on your search. Do not quit and look because that can make getting a new job harder. Look for a new job while you still have a job. Never ever again, mix business and pleasure. It is a recipe for disaster more often than not.

Thank you so much. This is uplifting and reassuring. I have shared something else within this thread as well. Can you please read that too? 

[JustSomeGuy_92]

17 hours ago, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

Hi, I am writing this primarily as a request for a boost and secondarily for an advice. I found this place to be a safe space for anyone to open up.

This new girl joined my office four months back. I (male 26) was her first friend here. We quickly became close friends. We used to chat all day long. I used to help her through everything. I was also her first-go-to person as well. In a matter of three months, we developed a very strong bond. She used to complain to me about the rest of the people being boring and not cooperative.  We would gossip a lot. I was there for here and with her all the time, everywhere. She became my work buddy and we developed our inside jokes as well. However, she was assigned a different team with a guy here. I will call him Joe. She worked with him one whole month but I saw no change in her apparent behavior during the time. She would still hang out with me. We started dating and talking about marriage/ life goals as well. I was getting serious about her. Then a bit of rotation in jobs happened as new people joined in. I was expecting that we will request the manager to shift to the new spot in my team so that she and I can share tasks too. But all of a sudden, she became friends with Joe. They started chatting and hanging out like crazy. The bond felt so strong to me, she started pushing me back and would only talk to me when he was not around. I became a backup option for her. I complained to her once about this. Initially, she got quiet. I felt that she was feeling guilty and reassured me that this is not true and that we were still the same. However, just after a day of staying reluctant, I noticed that she became even more closer to him. They started chatting excessively even after office hours, at nights too. This has been on going for two weeks. They were always together, day and night. Her replies to me started getting shorter and much delayed. She would respond me after hours and once or twice after a whole day. This, as I understand, is communication as a weapon and not key to resolve things. They both requested the manager to keep them in the same team and the level of enthusiasm she put in to make that happen made me really upset. I feel extremely sad, betrayed and left alone. I can't leave my job. Is it normal to feel like switching away to another workplace for this reason? I am being paid really well here. But I feel like I have become too alone and undesirable for no reason. Its not just that I lost someone I was dating. I have also lost my work buddy, and someone I had feelings for, someone who I helped thoroughly so that I can have a close friend in the office. Office politics and having connections is also a thing of importance here. I have a good reputation in the office and so does she. There is another aspect to it as well, Joe will have an advantage over me as he might have more votes on his side whenever the time for choosing the leads come again. I am feeling very low and abandoned. I want to make new friends here and stay good with everyone as I always want to. But seeing them together and noticing that I have been replaced just makes me very sad. I want to cry about it. I talked to her once again. Her attitude told me that deep down, she knows she has done me wrong. Her replies sounded like she wants to escape the situation. Even taking his name just for once brought about a volatile reaction in her clearly indicating that she is avoiding any discussion on this. My one simple text asking about her and Joe all of a sudden moving in a new team brought so much reaction from her. I don't know now what to do. I feel very abandoned here as I lost my work buddy, someone I used to hang out here, someone I was dating too.

Is there any suggestion for me? I would really appreciate any help that comes for me.

EDIT: I looked into the background of this girl using some contacts. She used to be in a group of 2 boys and 3 girls and had an affair with both guys at different times. The group got extremely toxic but she never apologized for messing around so much. One of them was damn serious about her and proposed her after the graduation which she rejected and they lost contact after that. He even unfriended her from Facebook before she got this job. A week back, she added him again on FB. She is texting him too all along. She hinted at this once in our conversations that one of her male friends called her sl*t for some reason and their friendship was over afterwards. She refused to give any details then. She is also friends with the first ex I mentioned who was with her physical affair only (that's what I heard). Why is she carrying so much luggage from the past? I mean I am not friends with my ex because we just cannot be. Its not possible. 

[JustSomeGuy_92]

14 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I don't recommend quitting your job if your career means something to you. If the relationship is not working, end that and straighten out your priorities at work. 

She doesn't sound very interested in being around you or talking with you. Why would you burn your bridges at work or what you've tried to build in your professional life just for one woman who isn't even one year into the company? Do you think this relationship has a leg to stand on? 

Think big picture and don't let the momentary emotions of things cloud you. Think beyond all this - six months, two years, five years down the line and where you want to be professionally, personally. This woman might not be what you seek in a long term partner either if she's moving from man to man in the company and flirting with everyone. 

 

 

 

Yes I will look at the big picture. I really appreciate your response. With time everything will be fine. I should not give in to temporary emotions. Thank u so much !!!

[DancingFool]

4 hours ago, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

EDIT: I looked into the background of this girl using some contacts. She used to be in a group of 2 boys and 3 girls and had an affair with both guys at different times. The group got extremely toxic but she never apologized for messing around so much. One of them was damn serious about her and proposed her after the graduation which she rejected and they lost contact after that. He even unfriended her from Facebook before she got this job. A week back, she added him again on FB. She is texting him too all along. She hinted at this once in our conversations that one of her male friends called her sl*t for some reason and their friendship was over afterwards. She refused to give any details then. She is also friends with the first ex I mentioned who was with her physical affair only (that's what I heard). Why is she carrying so much luggage from the past? I mean I am not friends with my ex because we just cannot be. Its not possible. 

That's not baggage, that's a forest of red flags. She doesn't have much in terms of character, morals, or values and her actions demonstrate that. This is a bullet dodged kind of thing.

Now please for your own sanity stop trying to look more into her life and so on. If word gets back to her, this can really backfire on you. Stop. No more contact. Focus on yourself, enjoying your life and moving on.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

That's not baggage, that's a forest of red flags. She doesn't have much in terms of character, morals, or values and her actions demonstrate that. This is a bullet dodged kind of thing.

Now please for your own sanity stop trying to look more into her life and so on. If word gets back to her, this can really backfire on you. Stop. No more contact. Focus on yourself, enjoying your life and moving on.

Yeah u r totally right. These are all red flags for me. If I ignore them, I will b at loss. I have followed ur advice today and focused only on work, and i just made two new friends in the office, will help slowly steer my focus away. This is a hard thing to do since I just noticed their team meeting happening and although she had a little spot/role but it was S OBVIOUS that she just wants to be there because of him. Also, she messages me first (very dull and dry) in her leisure time but as soon as she is with him, she behaves like a stranger. I feel she is keeping me a backup and drops me an unwanted text just to have a backup plan. 😞
You are right. These are all red flags and I should never forget them for my own good.

[Rose Mosse]

Doesn't matter what she texts. Keep it professional and cordial only. Mute her texts and look at them when you're at home or not working/not in the office.

Others will see right through her and respond accordingly when the time comes. Just focus on your work. 

That's very good that you made two new friends at the office. 

[DancingFool]

What about friends and interests outside of your job? I'd invest more into that and ignore her texts unless you have to respond because she is asking for something that is work related and your direct responsibility. If it's something someone else can answer, I'd actually tell her to contact whoever. Think civil but completely detached and arms length from here on out.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Doesn't matter what she texts. Keep it professional and cordial only. Mute her texts and look at them when you're at home or not working/not in the office.

Others will see right through her and respond accordingly when the time comes. Just focus on your work. 

That's very good that you made two new friends at the office. 

Yeah, I should follow this. I hope with time people see through her. Thank you so much for the boost.
You are very kind. I feel a lot came to be on stake all of a sudden: my feelings, my performance and reputation in office, my career.
Thanks for the assurance ;))

[Rose Mosse]

10 minutes ago, JustSomeGuy_92 said:

Yeah, I should follow this. I hope with time people see through her. Thank you so much for the boost.
You are very kind. I feel a lot came to be on stake all of a sudden: my feelings, my performance and reputation in office, my career.
Thanks for the assurance ;))

Of course they will. But it also doesn't mean you have to stick around for it. Move forwards. 

We learn to care about people but I believe it's just as important caring for ourselves. If that bond or relationship is no longer working or functional, start thinking for yourself. 

I think you will be fine. Just adjust the focus and enjoy work.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Of course they will. But it also doesn't mean you have to stick around for it. Move forwards. 

We learn to care about people but I believe it's just as important caring for ourselves. If that bond or relationship is no longer working or functional, start thinking for yourself. 

I think you will be fine. Just adjust the focus and enjoy work.

Yes I will focus on my work. You are right. I should not even care about how things go on at her end.

[Batya33]

I originally met my husband at work and we dated for about 6 months while we both still worked there.  But we didn't work together and worked on entirely different floors at a huge company.  Of course you can make close friends at work within certain limits and boundaries. This woman started gossiping to you early on about your coworkers.  Huge red flag.  It shows she lacks professionalism and common sense.  It shows that she would do the same to you behind your back.  Yes many years ago I'm sure I did the same -gossiped -but I stopped many years ago.  I've been at my current job almost 5 years and I have never ever said anything negative about anyone or revealed anything personal or private about anyone even though there have been times I've had that information (because I was told and/or it's a small world).  

And even when I say something positive it's general, and it doesn't trigger a "oh I disagree, I think he is___".  I also don't interact on social media with my coworkers other than liking a cat picture and I have one coworker I chat with about books we are reading.  That's it.  I highly recommend if you want to have a successful career you are on high alert and vigilant about this sort of work ethic and professionalism.  Also try to walk away ASAP if someone is sharing gossip with you.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

28 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

What about friends and interests outside of your job? I'd invest more into that and ignore her texts unless you have to respond because she is asking for something that is work related and your direct responsibility. If it's something someone else can answer, I'd actually tell her to contact whoever. Think civil but completely detached and arms length from here on out.

I have friends outside job as well. Its just that my job is very demanding. I work 14 hours a day including weekends. I am trying to invest outside now as well. I will keep this in mind, to keep things very professional and cordial and not exceed the limits of professional courtesy.

Thank u so so much !

[JustSomeGuy_92]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I originally met my husband at work and we dated for about 6 months while we both still worked there.  But we didn't work together and worked on entirely different floors at a huge company.  Of course you can make close friends at work within certain limits and boundaries. This woman started gossiping to you early on about your coworkers.  Huge red flag.  It shows she lacks professionalism and common sense.  It shows that she would do the same to you behind your back.  Yes many years ago I'm sure I did the same -gossiped -but I stopped many years ago.  I've been at my current job almost 5 years and I have never ever said anything negative about anyone or revealed anything personal or private about anyone even though there have been times I've had that information (because I was told and/or it's a small world).  

And even when I say something positive it's general, and it doesn't trigger a "oh I disagree, I think he is___".  I also don't interact on social media with my coworkers other than liking a cat picture and I have one coworker I chat with about books we are reading.  That's it.  I highly recommend if you want to have a successful career you are on high alert and vigilant about this sort of work ethic and professionalism.  Also try to walk away ASAP if someone is sharing gossip with you.

Thank you very much for writing and sharing your personal life. Really appreciated.

I did not mind her getting assigned a different team but its just that her behavior is very strange. I don't get insecure if my girl has male friends or coworkers she is working on projects with. I have had girlfriends in the past. I am really upset seeing that she has total disregard for me. She clearly places me on the backburner and fills her time with someone else. This should not have happened at all. Yes, I am worried about her gossiping with me. The teammate she is working with me is also very gossip-kind-of person and has office politics thing in him. Someone else hinted that to me (and not gossiped) that these people tend to make work place/office lobbies. I guess she found her clique. I don't know whatever !!! I hope this does not affect me further. I so hope. 

[JustSomeGuy_92]

Hello,  I just need further help. :((
I was doing very well moving on but all of a sudden I was asked to help her on one of the tasks assigned to her by the manager. Initially I was reluctant but I had to help as a demand of proferssionalism. We worked on it for a whole week and she strated flirtin with me all over again. Within that work, I noticed she was one day she was very upset and I learned from her behavior that she had a fight with the guy she left me for. She was complaining about bad temperament without taking anyone's name. I felt that he told her to not be frienly with me. (Remind you here, these people only know how to do con politics in office). During that week, I felt this sheer coldness between them as well. But once our task was over (basically I helped her get her task done) she became emotionally distant from me all over again. She keeps telling me all the time that she does not communicate with him about anything other than work. I don't believe that I just don't believe her. She is obviously lying.
Here is what I conlcude: She keeps running after him. He on the other hand, does want her around him and boost him in front of the leads to strengthen his role but treats her like an assistant (or *** should I say, given he showed his temperament). Does she not have nay
He is not her senior at all, why does she take him so seriously, follows his instructions clearly showing she is trying to please him.
I also don't know why am I so attached to her? I was doing well, I think. Also, why does she want to have this romantic attachment with her. She is the first to message me and starts flirting but as soon as he is around she treats me like some distant person. I hate the feeling that she is treating me like a rebound or a backup. Within a week, she bounced back to me and in a matter of days she is running after him all over again.
I don't know. I just don't understand what to do now. I need to become better. I really really want to be better. I feel very very tired.

Please help !

I am looking for ur kind suggestions.

[LaHermes]

On 4/21/2021 at 5:14 PM, DancingFool said:

What about friends and interests outside of your job? I'd invest more into that

I would suggest the same OP. 

And I agree with DF that you have learnt the hard way that it is best not to get romantically with a co-worker or anyone in your workplace.  

"Never ever again, mix business and pleasure. It is a recipe for disaster more often than not."

There is a big world out there beyond the four walls of the workplace building.  

Wishing you the best.

 

[boltnrun]

Stay professional, do not flirt with her and do not message her or reply to messages outside of work hours. Do not respond to anything that is not work related.

And then make efforts to meet people outside of work. Once you start having friends and activities outside of work this woman won't matter to you anymore.

[DancingFool]

Same advice as before stands.

She can't flirt with you unless you engage and flirt back. She can't whine to you about whoever, unless you are willing to listen and do so.

Being professional means learning how to have clear boundaries with people. If someone tries to flirt with you and you think it's no good for you, you don't respond and redirect them back to work. If they try to talk to you about things that are not work related, you change the conversation immediately back to work or excuse yourself if there is nothing to discuss about work in that moment. "Sorry to hear that, I've got this thing I need to address. Talk to you tomorrow at y time about x progress on project." - you politely cut them off like and redirect things back to strictly work.

As for why she does what she does with the other guy - none of your business. As for you, she plays you along because she thinks you are an easy to play and manipulate kind of a fool. Convenient to her to use as needed. Your helpfulness is not valued, it's looked down upon. So please, find some self respect and drop this chic for good.

You seem kind of stuck in this competition with this guy where you see him as bad and yourself as good and can't seem to understand why she doesn't pick good. Not everyone values good and keep in mind that like attracts like. Meaning she isn't exactly a catch herself. Basically, learn to focus your energies and what you bring to the table on those who actually value that and have same shared values. This girl is the opposite of all that and you aren't going to change her or fix her into being who you want her to be.

Once you grasp that, perhaps you can move on better and actually find someone worthwhile to date.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

She can't flirt with you unless you engage and flirt back.

Agree. Avoid office flirts altogether. Be professional and cut her off and change the subject back to work. Do not engage in her nonsense BF woes chitchat as if a male-girlfriend.

Do the task, then turn away. Be busy. Very busy.

[Batya33]

I think it's great to meet people at work and be friends, date, etc.  Especially wonderful for future networking, getting clients if that is relevant, etc.  When it comes to dating though I'd limit it to people you do not work directly with, would never work directly with and hopefully in another department/division.  

I agree with the others -you're crossing way too many boundaries in an unprofessional and unhealthful way.

[melancholy123]

This is why you dont get into office romances.  It gets ugly in a hurry when something goes wrong.  It seems she prefers Joe to you so you need to stiffen your backbone and accept that what was, is no longer.  Do your job, be polite to one and all, go home at the end of the day.  Find someone who does not work in the same company.

[JustSomeGuy_92]

5 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

This is why you dont get into office romances.  It gets ugly in a hurry when something goes wrong.  It seems she prefers Joe to you so you need to stiffen your backbone and accept that what was, is no longer.  Do your job, be polite to one and all, go home at the end of the day.  Find someone who does not work in the same company.

All these thoughts do come in my mind. I just find it so hard them so hard to implement. :((
Guess I need to work on my emotions any way I can.