My story and how I think I made things worse..

[brokenjerseyheart]

.. and maybe make things better.

 

I've been lurking on these boards as well as some other relationship forums for a couple weeks now. I decided to post since I've just recently realized that my situation is unique in it's own way and that trying to use advice that other people have received isn't (wasn't.. I'll get to that later) such a good idea. My story is pretty long.. her and I have a lot of history together.. especialy in the last couple of weeks.. but.. here goes..

 

I've been going out with this girl for almost 4 years, we met through some mutual friends in high school and got along pretty well. We started to date and as we got to know each other we fell deeply in love.. in fact, I wouldn't even say that we were just in love with one another; we were infatuated with one another.

 

It was really amazing because every day we were with one another it felt like we had just met and fell in love all over again... this was going on for years up until recent events, in fact. She would tell her friends how I was the best boyfriend ever and how we never fought like other couples.. it's not that we would hold in feelings or anything it was just that we never had an exscuse to really fight! If the rare event occurred where one of us had something on our chest we did we would sit down, discuss it, and try to come to an amicable agreement.

 

During this time she was also involved with some really crap friends who would put her down all the time and just make her feel bad. I, also, was with some friends who were less than stellar people who weren't making things easy for me either. When we met we both helped each other get rid of these people and we became best friends in addition to boyfriend and girlfriend. From that point on we were always together and we loved it.

 

When I graduated (I was a year ahead of her) we still hung out and kept in close contact since I went to school pretty close to my town. We would go to movies, resteraunts, walks, and hang out.. everything seemed just so natural and right when we were together.

Also, we were always there for one another. During this time September 11th occurred and my father lost his job (he worked in Tower 2, lucky that was the only thing he lost) and my family fell on pretty hard times. Throughout this she was there to help me and support me and I told her how much I appreciate her and her love.

As my family was bouncing back I transfered to a school in New York city. She had just graduated and was going to a school relatively close in distance but the fact that where I was staying wasn't easy to get to (tolls, traffic, parking.. all a pain in the neck) we could only see each other on the weekends. We did so with such regularity and with such commitment to one another that it really solidified us as a couple and our love grew tremendously.

At this point we were at our two year aniversary and we both believed we had found someone we could share our lives with. You see, we had both been in bad relationships before meeting one another. Her boyfriends before me were both cheating abusive low lives and my girlfriends before her had issues ranging from honesty to stealing from my family and me.

 

Fast forward a year and I had transferred to her school (the living expenses in NYC were just too much for me) and she had just joined a sorority. I know what you're thinking but the sorority she joined did NOT brain wash her. The majority of hte girls in this sorority are/were in relationships and were not the type of people to enable her to cheat on me or do anything that could hurt our relationship. In fact, many of the girls in this sorority thought that what my girlfriend and I had was amazing and they all loved us (I still talk to her sisters to this day). Also she would tell me how there was never any temptation for her to even consider cheating on me because not only did she love me so much but also the frat guys were slimeballs.

 

Also around this time we were seeing a few of our friends getting engaged.. odd I know as we had never really thought of getting engaged so young. We both talked about how we felt that someday we would be married and be together for a long time but we never felt that we should make that comitment at such a young age (I'm now 22 and she's 21) and when neither of us are set in our careers. But, like I said, it was a strong feeling in the backs of our minds.

[brokenjerseyheart]

A couple of months after she had joined the sorority I became upset about how many of her events were at night.. time that we could be spending together. I had told her how it sucked how during the day it's hard for us to get together because of classes and work (another issue I'll get to) and how at night she always had something for her sorority (it's a big sorority so it seemed like every night there was a birthday to celebrate or a get together at someone's apt). She acknowledged the fact and she said she'd try to change her schedule around (she's very regimented as opposed to my go-with-the-flow mentality) so that we could have more time together. It worked for about a couple weeks so I sat her down and told her that I didn't feel like she was making that much of an effort and that if things didn't change I wanted to take a break. We talked and we worked out a plan.

 

For the most part the plan worked, it was basicaly both of us working to see each other as much as possible (real complicated plan heh). However there were moments where the sorority thing would bug me.. I just didn't get what was so great about it. However, I never discouraged her being a member.. I would always go to support any events that she was involved in, I would give her advice on situations.. hell, I even helped her make posters and cards for her big and little sisters in the sorority. I really felt like I was always there for her.. there was a scary moment during that semester when her ob-gyn felt a lump in her breast and she had to go check it out. The implications of this were frightening to her because her mother had passed when she was only 12 years old from breast cancer. During those couple of weeks I was there for her by her side going to x-ray's, appointments, taking her out to take her mind off it and just be there for her. Thankfuly, it was nothing at all and they removed it without complication.

 

The semester after this (it was fall when the cancer scare occurred) her father remarried a woman who my then girlfrend wasn't too fond of. She was really conflicted because on one hand she felt that it would make her father happy, on the other hand she felt like it was tarnishing her mother's memory. I, of course, was there to help her through the situation and tried to keep her as happy as possible and spend time with her. Also during this semester she was growing increasingly upset with how things were going with her sorority. There were times when she would just cry in my arms and not know what to do..

[brokenjerseyheart]

During this semester it's not as if I was a saint, though.. I was getting real burnt out from school and was questioning my major. I basically spent my days hanging out with her or hanging out with my roommates. In the meantime she had picked up a part time job to supplement her bank account. Combine this with her sorority and an upcoming internship and you have one busy woman.

 

We were both glad that the semester had ended.. she didn't have to worry about classes or her sorority drama and I could just relax. As I said earlier she had won a pretty impressive internship while I sat on my *beep*. The summer, however, was awesome. We were with each other and everything was great.. no love between us had faded despite the tumultous year. Over the summer I had decided I wasn't going to return to school and instead work full time. She thought it was a good idea since I could clear my head and regain my focus.

 

The 2004 semester started and she was back in action (she actually was elected president of her sorority) with all of her activities. I was working full time and making some good money. Things were still very strong, I was still there for her and she for me. We had time to hang out and to be intimate and things were great. It was about this time when marriage came up a bit more often.. it was something we both knew was probably going to happen once we graduated. It wasn't in the form of serious talks but it came up with much more frequency in conversation. She was making plans as far as what we could possibly do but I wasn't comfortable yet.. I still wasn't sure what direction my life was taking as far as a career and goals went. I love this girl with all my heart and yes I would love to marry her but I wouldn't want to put her in a situation where things would be hard for us financialy.

 

Also around this time the issue of my spending habits had come up.. when I got my job I bought a new car and I was throwing money around like my last name was Trump. I was buying her expensive gifts, taking her to expensive dinners, etc. I didn't have a savings or checking accounts, my credit card balance was shrinking and I just didn't care. I assured her that I was responsible and that I knew what I was doing..

 

The fall semester ended and we, again, were still going strong. Her birthday came and I bought her some rather expensive gifts (to make up for last Christmas where I was too broke to really buy anything) and I was showering her with attention. We still joked, we still hung out, we still made lots of love and we were just doing great.

 

However, in the middle of winter break I lost my job. I had a nearly maxed out credit card and car payments. I looked for a new job for a bit but it proved difficult since I had signed up for classes for the spring and my schedule was nutty since I no longer had the same registration priority. My girlfriend suggested I lower my standards and get any job I could get even if it meant flipping burgers at McD's. I was very adament about how I didn't want a job like that and how I was looking for something I wanted to do and keep for a while. She got upset over my response one night and said that she didn't want to tell me anything again and that she didn't want to act like my mother. I told her that wasn't the case and I always want to hear what she has to say it's just that I had enough forces working against me on the job matter and I didn't want her to be one of them.

[brokenjerseyheart]

So we get to the start of the semester, I'm back at school as an unemployed commuter student. She's back as the president of the largest sorority on campus, working a part time job, and maintaining a 3.5 gpa. We are still hanging out with regularity and we still get along fantasticaly. However, there are two moments that bring about her ending our relationship.. The first is during spring break when she goes on a road trip with her girlfriends. She told me about it a few weeks in advance and it bothered me since I felt that spring break was our time together. I didn't bring it up until the night before she left and she felt bad about it. We talked about it once again and we both worked to make things better. However, it was much more difficult for her since she had all these responsibilities and I only had classes. She also started to get upset with her sorority again and it seemed like she was cracking under the pressure. I was there for her (of course) and I decided that I would make our summer break something special to let her know how much I loved her.. I had made dinner reservations for a couple of really fancy resteraunts and I booked a hotel with whatever little I had left on my credit card. I was really excited to show her how much I love her and how I truly appreciated her.

 

Then the day came.. one day, we are talking and joking as usual telling each other how much we love each other and then she gets a call. It's a person about another internship that she could take over the summer. She accepts and I am of course happy for her (I really am very proud of her). But then I hear the details.. the internship consists of her spending two weeks out in the midwest for special training/courses and then several months in a place in Brooklyn NY.

 

I then voice my opinion of the matter.. I tell her how I don't want her to go and that I don't like it. She doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I don't want to spoil my plans for hte summer.. I buckle and tell her. She is hten like well that's not a big deal we can still do those things and hang out.. that's when I start becoming irrational. I tell her how I don't think that's right of her and how this summer won't be good because there'll be more drama from people who she lives with and etc. etc. That's when we both kind of bring up a "break". I tell her i'll call her back when I think about it. I take a shower to calm down a bit and I call her back. I tell her how I think it's a bad idea for us to break and that we can work through this. She says no and that she thinks that this would be good for the both of us. I start trying to use some reverse psychology and I say "ok, well.. I guess I'll be seeing you then.." and we end the conversation. I call back that night and tell her how much I hate this and how I think we should work this out.. she is still set on this and says that it's not that she doesnt love me anymore or anything she just feels that now is the time. She says how we should have NC from now until whenever but she still thinks we should act friendly since we do have a class with each other. We say our goodnights and then that's that..

 

We try this for a couple days and then we meet at class about two days later. I walk in and she has her head down and doesnt say hello. I sit next to her wait about 30 seconds and I give her a little poke and wave and smile. She smiles and goes back to doodling in her notebook. The entire class we don't say a word to each other. She doesnt even look at me. Class ends and we both leave separately. I start to drive home and I make a U turn back to school because this is bothering me so much and I need to talk to her. I track her down and we go for a walk and talk. I ask her why she didn't say anything to me and she says that she saw that I was pissed off.. which wasn't the case.. I told her that I'm just feeling sad over all this. We then get to talking about "all this" and I go back to telling her I don't really understand why she's doing this. She tells me that there are a number of problems.. 1) She feels like she can't talk to me about things anymore because I get very defensive (my guess is that it was the whole getting a job thing). 2) She feels like we're moving in different directions.. that she wants to do all these things and that I'm happy where I am. And 3) That she needs the space anyhow since we've been together for so long.

[brokenjerseyheart]

I figure the first problem to be something we can work through and I tell her that.. she says it doesnt matter now. The second I say ya I'm a bit of a home body but it's not like I want to be a bum. I tell her that there are things I certainly want to do with my life (in fact we were both talking about possibly moving to California after college.. something I was getting excited about and was helping me regain some focus as to where I want to be in life.). And I tell her that the third is reasonible since she'll be away for the summer but I don't understand why the NC policy has to be so strict. She only really adresses the contact part and says that she'll call me from time to time. We really dont get anywhere from there and then I do something that I think was the beginning of my stupid ways of going about this.. I start to use reverse psychology.. I tell her how I'm not so great and she'll probably meet a better guy since I'm boring and lazy.. she attempts to disagree a little but she just kind of puts her head down and doesnt say anything.. I walk her back to her apartment and we stand outside the door. We both look at each other and are kind of like "Well.. I'll be seeing you then.." and I say "I'll miss you" and she says the same but with some tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice. I hold out my arms for a hug and she hugs me very tight and for a while. We both let go and say goodnight and I walk off to my car...

 

The following week she has wedding to go to out of state. I attempt to call her during the trip just to see how she's doing.. she's afraid of flying and I had previously helped her overcome that fear and I wanted to make sure she was safe. She doesnt pick up and I think.. ok.. well.. she must be too busy to answer. I then talk to one of her sorority sisters and I ask if she got in touch with her.. she says yes and that they've spoken several times during the trip. I'm crushed. She returns the next week and I call her.. I make it short since it sounded like she was busy and didn't want to talk. I ask her how she is and she says fine and how the trip went and everything. The conversation then ends and I do my own thing.. later that night I'm sitting idly at my computer and I check one website we both subscribe to that provides member profiles. I check hers and I notice that she had changed her relationship status from open relationship (since our talk) to single. She also indicated that she is now dating.. it really really hurt. I thought we were just on a break, not an actual break up. I email her telling her how I feel like I'm losing her and that I think we should try to work all this out but she is again adament. I call her up and we talk for a long time on the phone.. I tell her how it hurt me that she couldnt tell me this and that I don't understand what's going on. She said it's part of the break and I said well how long and she said she doesnt know.. could be 2 months or 2 years.. who knows. I then tell her how I don't get why she put that she's dating and she says that's also part of the break. I tell her well are you going to just go out and have sex with guys or what? And she says she doesnt think so since that's a big step for her but she does want to see what else is out there. From there again no progress is made as far as salvaging things and I just tell her how I still love her and she tells me that it isn't that she has fallen out of love with me.

 

I call her a couple more times through the next couple weeks still trying to salvage things. I tell her how much I love her still and I think that we can work things out and that I refuse to let go the past 4 years (3 years and 11months technicaly..) go like this. One call, though, stands out as probably the worst thing I could've done.. I was reading on another advice forum how a break is a cop out (she was still calling it a break) and that it has to be all or nothing.. if the person really loves you then they'll stay to work on the relationship. I call her and basicaly tell her this.. I say I don't believe that she loves me anymore since she's doing this, she insists that she does and that she hasn't fallen out of love. I tell her then if you love me then you'll stay to work things out and that you would still care about our relationship. She is kind of at a loss of words and we both get kind of emotional. She agrees to think about it overnight and that she'll call me the next day. She calls and tells me that if I'm making her choose between all or nothing she's going to have to choose nothing. My heart explodes into a thousand fragments inside my chest.. I try to pretend I'm ok with it and try to make idle conversation but it goes nowhere and we say goodbye

[brokenjerseyheart]

However, I don't stop calling her and trying to salvage things for another week.. I call her and basicaly she tells me she doesnt love me as a boyfriend anymore.. she loves me, but not like that. Doesnt really do much to make me feel better. She says that she doesnt want to see me in person because she says it will make things harder and that she'll call me when she's ready. If I call she may not pick up. I'm hurting but I respect and love her still.. so I'll do my best to respect her decision. I'm still very confused, though, as to what's going on.

 

So I'm up at school one day for classes after not seeing/speaking for her for about 4 days. I see her walking and immediately park my car and try to talk to her.. I figure that this is a sign and that this is a chance for me to try and get to the bottom of this.. I track her down and talk to her. I tell her everything I've already said that I refuse to believe that she doesnt love me anymore and that we can still make it. All this time she doesnt look at me but rather down. When she does look up at me I can see her eyes are watery and that her pupils are big. Over the course of me talking to her I take her hand and tell her that she is the only thing that really matters to me.. she looks away but doesnt take her hand away.. I tell her if she really doesnt love me she would pull her hand away.. she doesnt but I can see that she's uncomfortable in some way.. I take my hand away from hers and tell her that I'm sorry. She then tells me that she still wants to be friends with me and that she feels that this time is important for both of us. I just nod and take what's left of my heart and leave. I go to class and the only thing I can do is think about her. After class I go back to where she was and she is still there. I sit next to her and decide.. hey, if she wants to be friendly with me then I'll be friendly with her like I always was. I sit next to her and smile, she turns to me and kind of has a deer in head lights look. She goes back to what she was doing there at her table and I see that she's flicking her foot with her sandle on the very end of her big toe. I playfuly kick the sandle off (something we always did with another) and she turned to me and smiled (a genuine smile) and just turned back to what she was doing. After a couple minutes of me trying to start a normal conversation with her her phone rings and her little sister in teh sorority calls her over. She goes and I walk with her. She doesnt say a word and I say "You know, this isn't the way to be friendly with someone." She says "I know it's just all so weird... everyone I know who tries to be friends with their exes says it never works out." I then say "Well what about people who get back together." She says "I don't know.." So we walk and I revert back to my foolish mode of trying to get her back and she says how we need this. She says "I need my space" and I said "well isn't that what the past couple weeks have been?" and then she says "Has it!?" with a relatively flustered face.. that's when clarity hits me.. that I have probably been smashing salt into a wound.

 

I nod.. I'm pretty ashamed.. she starts walking away. As she walks, though, I yell her name.. she turns. Right when she was facing me, about 50ft away.. I yell so loud that I can't even hear my heart thumping "I LOVE YOU!".. she immediately turns and continues walking..

 

Basicaly since then I became like Socrates, if anyone I knew would be interested in talking to me I'd try to talk to them about what happened/is happening. I got some good advice but the best came from the most reliable of sources.. my parents. They told me that there was several occasions when she would bring up to them how she was worried about me being unemployed and not caring about school. She also said how her father voiced concern about my motivation, too. Ouch..

Now, I'm taking the initiative to try and grow up. It's not just for her, nessecarily but for me too.. it's something that I'd have to do eventualy anyhow. So far I've landed a role in a play (acting has become a passion of mine in the past year), I'm setting up an internship for this summer, and getting ready to find a part time job that I can carry through into the school year.

 

Also, as I said earlier, I'm friends with a lot of her sorority sisters. After speaking with some of them I'm under the impression that a lot of this hasn't hit her yet.. she's been keeping so busy she hasn't been able to think about what's happened. She also hasn't spoken much about this to them since she came back from Florida.. in which she was very concerned that she could've made a big mistake.

 

 

So.. I'm guessing that if you've read this far you're guessing whether this was just a big therapeutic outburst or if it's me seeking advice.. both are very true. Like I said I've been reading the things on this boards and I feel that many people here can certainly help me with this.. My biggest concern is whether or not this seems healthy? Is it ok for me to be so hopeful that we'll get back together considering the circumstances? I am partially prepared for her to not want to continue the relationship but it just seems so wrong doing that..

 

Does it seem like I screwed things up even more? Is pleading with someone to try and save a relationship really one of hte worst things you could do? I mean.. she said that she didnt fall out of love with me.. then as I persisted she said she doesnt love me anymore as a boyfriend.. Does it seem like it was really there all along or that I put the idea into her head or what?

 

Am I going about this the wrong way? I feel that I've discovered the problem and I am trying to remedy it.. I don't feel it's forced since I do love this woman very much.. I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me.

 

At any rate.. any and all insights and advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[SimoneTiger]

Would you mind summarizing everything you wrote in a paragraph of no more than 300-400 words? I would like to read your story, but I simply don't have the necessary patience/attention span...

[hockeyboy]

Would you mind summarizing everything you wrote in a paragraph of no more than 300-400 words? I would like to read your story, but I simply don't have the necessary patience/attention span...

 

then dont post.

 

i read your entire story and im glad you wrote it all out because i got a real good/clear understanding of your situation and i can truly relate. i pm'd you with what i thought...thank you for sharing everything.

[shorty20]

well! It took me long enough to get through that! Ok, it seems to me that you are trying to pull her back. She's trying to break away and get some space, and you are trying to pull her back into a relationship with you. I think that yes, pleading with her is probably going to be the worst thing you can do right now. Try your hardest to live your life... you said some of her concerns were the not having a job, and your lack of motivation. Start by working on those things. If your love is as great as you described, it will survive and you guys will be together. It seems like she is very confused, and if you keep pushing her to be with you, she's going to back away. The most un-attractive quality, I believe, is neediness. You need to start your own life and do things that you like to do ( from the sound of it it seems like you are getting off to a good start at doing this) but she already knows you love her and want her back. Now it's her call. You can't keep calling and begging or you'll drive her away. I would talk to her maybe one more time. Apologize for the way you'd been pressuring her, and let her know whats goin on in your life so she knows that you are getting off to a good start at being more motivated, etc. Then tell her that you are handing the reigns over to her. That she knows already how you feel about her and how much you love her, but that you don't want to put anymore pressure on her, so that it is up to her from now on, and that when she's ready you'll be waiting. Hang in there. Good luck hun!

[Venturer]

Hate to say it, buddy... but I think you need to let this go.

 

Go home, have a good cry till you run out of tears, watch some TV and eat ice cream. Sleep in.

 

Then go out and hang with your friends, meet new girls, date around, and do whatever your passion is (acting, you say).

 

You'll be fine. But it'll hurt for a while. Personally, I do better with a clean break, rather than trying to salvage something that's already sunk or even trying to be friends with an ex.

[hockeyboy]

Hate to say it, buddy... but I think you need to let this go.

 

Go home, have a good cry till you run out of tears, watch some TV and eat ice cream. Sleep in.

 

Then go out and hang with your friends, meet new girls, date around, and do whatever your passion is (acting, you say).

 

You'll be fine. But it'll hurt for a while. Personally, I do better with a clean break, rather than trying to salvage something that's already sunk or even trying to be friends with an ex.

 

its not that easy. a four year relatinship in very intense. in the long run, he may very well be better off without her and he will be happy whether he is with her or not....but its not a one step process.

[sadCara]

First of all, thanks for sharing your feelings. I do hope it was therapeutic for you. I can tell you love this woman very much, it's like she is your driving motivation for life.

 

I honestly think you should just give her, her space. She seems quite confused about the relationship. Like she is weighing the past against the present and the future.

 

You do need to put yourself together, which you have started doing. Just continue working on yourself. It seems like you'll both need to work on your own lives for now. Fix things up and feel secure in your place in life.

You did pursue her a bit too much, be friends with her. Find that old niche back again, where you'll were comfortable with one another. Things will work out from there. I can suggest please don't put any more pressure on her to get back together. You have done a lot in that department already, now it's her turn. So give her time to respond.

 

As for the profile about her dating, yes I can see that must really hurt. Move past it and focus on you. You need that and so does she.

Good luck and let me know how everything is going.

[brokenjerseyheart]

First of all, sorry for the immense size of my post.. I just felt that the history that we shared had to be expressed.

 

For those who read it fully thank you very much.. the advice I've gotten has been great and I'm doing my best to put it into practice.

 

So far it's been almost 2 weeks of NC.. things have happened though since then..

 

I saw her for our last class together and she was pretty distant.. she didn't look at me, I tried to spark up a little conversation just to be friendly and she would answer but get straight to the point. We sit next to each other (she sat next to me) and she immediately busied herself in her notebook after saying hi to me.. she was doodling furiously to the point that the margin of her notebook was covered.

 

I did do something you said to try, shorty. After class I offered to walk her to her apartment.. she said she wasnt going there but to the school store which was about 100ft away from where we were. I walked her and just spoke to her like a friend.. asked her how her exams were going etc. When were just about there she stopped and said "Well, I'm going to go but before I go I just wanted to give you a hug." She hugged me but not the way we did the night of our first talk. I said well wait a moment because I wanted to give her something. She said "Oh please dont.. I can't take a gift from you..". I joked and said well no she'll love this one.. it was her credit card that she lent me one night to gas up my car after she called me over last minute a few months ago.. we just sort of forgot about it. I also gave her about twice as much what I had put on it. She said "Thanks, I'll consider this all paid off then". She didn't really look to see how much I gave her, she just stuffed it all in her purse. I told her that I wished her the best of luck and that I only wanted her to remember me like this.. smiling at her. She said thank you.. I asked for another hug and she obliged.. and we said goodbye and she walked off... when she got about 20 ft away from me I called her name.. she took off her headphones and turned to me.. and I started to sing a part of a song that we both shared.. not a love song really but a song that brings some good memories.. on one particular lyric there's a line about destiny and I held up my hand that I had a ring she bought me on and pointed to the ring.. she smiled, nodded, and walked away. Haven't heard her voice or seen her face since.

 

However, since then there has been two instances of strangeness.. first she sent me an email about the credit card. When she left for her trip I was still going to school, that week I wasn't prepared for the multiple trips back and forth to school and was really low on gas.. I didn't have any cash and I put $5 on her credit card just so that I could just go the little extra distance back to my house. I did try and call her to tell her this but she wasn't taking my calls at the time.. then when she came back the last thing on my mind was that. But in the email she said she was angry enough that I had used it in the first place (which didnt make sense since she lent it to me after I had went ahead and gone up to her place last minute one night) and that it was a reason why she wanted a break up anyhow. I told her these things but I also of course appologized about it in my reply email and told her that it was something wrong of me and that I am learning more and more irresponsible I've been.

 

She also wanted me to stop talking to our friends about us. She said that they have no reason to worry about the state of our relationship. I said I'd try but it would be hard since.. well.. they're our friends and I value my friendship with them too.

 

With that I hadn't heard from her since.

 

I did, however, hear about her yesterday. My brother works at a nearby college as a front desk person. He was there when he saw her come in.. he was surprised to see her and was more in shock than anything (this isn't our college that we normaly go to that I'm talking about.. she's taking summer classes here.) She said hi to him, he said hello. She then says "So did you hear the news?" and he said "Ya, it's kind of hard not to tell that something was up with my brother." He said she then shrugged and left to do work on one of the computers. I'm still not sure how to take that bit of news..

 

At any rate, I'm still chugging on trying to get my life sorted out. I'm trying to prepare for the worst, like I said.. but a part of me still feels like this is just a glitch and things are going to have a fairy tale ending.. I dunno.. I'm trying though. Thanks again for the advice and insight folks, really appreciate it.

[hockeyboy]

i must say...just the way your coming accross...you are handling this pretty well on an emotional basis. your not perfect, but for dating someone for 4 years...most people would go crazy. sounds like your still functioning and have some sort of rationale...something a lot of us can loose at times like this.

 

as you said..your still chugging along...and believe it or not eventually you wont have to chugg anymore and you'll just be rolling along.

 

have you seen the movie "swingers"? watch it.

[overtheedge]

brokenjerseyheart:

 

Your situation seems very similar to mine. We were together for 4 1/2 years and everything was just so natural and we both knew that we would be together forever, but we wouldn't get married until we both had our lives sorted out. She gets very good grades in school and holds down a job, while I am not motivated because I don't know what I want to do with my life and I don't know if I took the right major. The only thing I knew was that I was going to spend my life with her.

 

She is the type of person that gets stressed out very easily, while I always seems to stay calm. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it had to do with school or the fact that our car had broken down and we didn't have the money to fix it or get a new one. This led to us spending less and less time together, although things seemed great while we were together.

 

A little over three weeks ago she sat me down and told me she wanted a break. I told her that we're either together or we're not and that's the way it had to be. I was fully expecting her to decide to stay with me since we had always been so sure of the relationship.

 

We talked for about 7 hours and she told me all of the things that she felt were wrong with the relationship. I told her I could change them, but she didn't want me to change for her because I wouldn't be myself. She always said that she just doesn't want a relationship right now and wants to spend time with her friends. We decided to meet a few days later so she could think about things.

 

I still fully expected her to stay with me and I called her a couple of days later, expecting everything to be fine. Well it wasn't. She told me to go to her house the next day and I already knew where things were headed. She told me that she wanted to be independent and that she no longer felt she could love me like she should. Basically that she still loves me, but is no longer in love with me and wants to be friends once we get over each other. As you can imagine I was crushed.

 

I tried to convince her otherwise but she wouldn't budge. I wrote e-mails, I asked if I could go see her, I called her, but nothing was having any effect on her. The last time I saw her was about 2 weeks ago and she acted cold and distant towards me. I e-mailed her the next day and called her out on it, basically telling her that I thought that she was trying to convince herself that she hated me to make it easier. She got mad and said that she couldn't believe that I was accusing her of this and that all she can think of is how badly she has hurt me, but she still thinks she made the right decision.

 

It sucks because I look back on things and I think that I drove her away. She wanted to do a semester of school in Europe and wanted to work in the Caribbean for 6 months but I was against this because I feared I would lose her. This fear drove her away from me and I would give almost anything to change things. All I can do now is improve myself, my situation, and hope that she gives me another shot because I love her more than ever right now.

[brokenjerseyheart]

hockeyboy: Well, I suppose that is a good thing hehe. But, like I said the whole situation started over a month ago now and only two weeks ago had I stuck to NC.. the time between then I was a mess and I purposely made it visible through the calls, emails, walking around with a sad look on my face, etc. I'm trying to not let it bother me too much now outwardly but I do have several moments a day.. I'll hear a song that reminds me of her and I'll tear up.. I'll drive by a place where we used to go to and I'll take a plunge into sadness.. it's tough. It's like there's a chess game going on inside of me between my mind and my heart.. my mind wants me to try and do this for myself and move on.. my heart refuses to believe that the love is lost and wants me to do whatever I can to keep my love for her going. I'm trying to find a balance between the two.. but usually my heart has the checkmate..

 

I am trying to look at this as a win win situation as well.. I'm growing and doing this for myself by taking on more responsibilities, exploring my abilities, and trying to sort out my life. If she notices and she wants me back in her life then good for me.. granted the relationship we'd be taking on would have to be a new one and I'd have to be cautious. And if we don't get back together at least I should be a better person with some focus and direction. The next person who I may be with.. whether it be her or someone else.. I'll know that the way to love them would be to love them knowing that it could someday be lost..

 

What I posted earlier, as well.. about the conversation my brother had with her and her reaction to what he said made me think that maybe she really doesnt love me anymore...

 

At any rate I'm not a psychic or a mind reader so there's no way for me to really tell how things will end up.. I do know that there is only one person in life that you can always truly rely on and that's yourself..

 

 

 

overtheedge: Yes your story does sound very similar to mine. If you're going about it like I did at first you're probably really down on yourself and you do feel like it's your fault. You can't do that.. everyone has 50/50 hindsight. If you overanalyze too much you'll just start doing stupid things and drive her away further like I did.

Now the way i'm going about it may be all wrong.. but I'm just looking to the past now for inspiration, not answers. I'm remembering the good times to see what I did right, not what I did wrong. If you love the person enough you'll try to make yourself better, not change. Making yourself better means you can accomidate your loved ones more appropriately and you're trying to make yourself happy so others around you can also be happy.

I'm making my life better, not changing who I am. Once I'm happy with who I am and what I can do and offer and my ex believes that she has made herself better or had some kind of self realizations that she needed.. maybe we'll get back together..

Like I said earlier.. i'm trying to look at this as a win win situation..

[hockeyboy]

2 weeks is not bad considering everything. i know what you mean about the "chess match" within yourself. im glad to see you are managing to have a postive attitude in all this and see the good that can come.as time goes by you will only get stronger. do you go to the gym? you know how when your building muscle it hurts but feels good afterwards? thats what your doing now....it may hurt like hell, but just as you get strong at the gym, emotionally you will become stronger too.

[overtheedge]

Yeah I agree completely. This has made me take a step back and realize that I have to be happier with myself because that will make me a more attractive option, whether it be for her or for someone else. I'm also having that same chess match type of thing going on. I know that the only thing that will help is time. I just wish that time would speed up.