my boyfriend wants me to be chunky...?!? PLEASE HELP!!

[nickb]

ok so here goes:

 

my boy and i have been seeing each other for 2 years now. he's in college, i'm not, i work full time. he goes home to be with his family during his summer break, he lives about an hour away. we see each other every 2 weeks or so because his family doesn't know, and my family knows but doesn't like it.

 

so...anyways to the problem. since he left for the summer, i've been working out almost everyday. i was slightly overweight before. i was 170 and i'm 5'11 with a medium build. i didn't really exercise. all my time was spent with him basically. i wanted that though. now i have all this free time and no clue what to do with it, so i work out. i've dropped down to 165. i've lost a ton of extra flab and converted it into muscle.

 

so this weekend i see him. he's all quiet and reserved after we see each other and he sees me with my shirt off. at dinner he's almost unresponsive, won't look at me. finally i pry it out of him, and he says that i've changed, and he doesn't know what, but that i've changed. more prying (he's very uncommunicative and not very emotionally expressive, i am tho), i find out that he's unhappy with my weight. he says i'm just bare ribs and that he doesn't like to hold me anymore.

 

i'm going on a cruise in 3 weeks and he says i'm only doing it for that. he refuses to accept that i want to do it to better myself and make myself hotter for him. he said he wants me just the way he left for the summer...with something for him to hold on to on my body. how do i respond?!? i don't know what to do.

 

then we talk about it like all weekend. he says it pretty much ruined the weekend. he says that i can do whatever i want with my body, but it will make him unhappy if it's not how he likes it. i'm not obese or anorexic, i just wanna have nice pecs and a 6 pack? is that too much to ask?

 

also, he won't let me tan either. i want to tan twice before the cruise. he says that i look better white and that a tan would be ugly. he says that he would be very unhappy to see me with a tan, even tho i'm going to the bahamas and need a base tan. he wants me to wear SPF 60 the whole time there and back and return white.

 

what do i do about all this...i'm going crazy. i want to make him happy but how much is too much?

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

I'm not sure why anyone would make a statement like that, I think your boyfriend has a problem. don't let his problem become your problem especially when it comes to changing your appearance. What do you want !

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[Hope75]

Who is this guy that he thinks he can control you?

 

I find this highly suspicious. There's reason your family doesn't like him.

 

He sounds un communicative, selfish, and controlling. If you feel good about your weight loss and he truly loved you, he would support your decision to get healthy, not be against it.

 

Why not drop him and get all the extra weight off?

[ReadyorNot]

This is extremely weird...

 

I honestly think that he is extremely jealous and terrified that now that you are looking so good (and that you know it) he is going to lose you.... like more guys will be interested....

 

also, if you go on your cruise all hot and tanned you will attract guys there and maybe cheat on him (i dont think you would do that, but he may be scared you would)

[BCBoy81]

Sounds like he's a little like me - Unsure and not very confident. I've been down that road. Dated a girl for a while who was, well.... like me.... not in the best shape but not overweight by any stretch. Regardless, she started working out and losing weight, and eventually.... other guys took notice of her and she just up and dumped me 'cuz she found a better looking guy.

 

Yeah, I know.... she's superficial.... but the scar has been made and insecure guys don't get over things as heart-wrenching as that.

 

Maybe you should reassure him that you're doing it all for him (and for yourself) and just try to let him know that you're not out there doing it for other guys???

 

That's my thoughts on the subject.

[quing]

I saw a British Channel 4 documentry on this sought of thing before.

These soughts of people are known as 'feeders' and try their hardest to fatten up their mate partly for security reasons and partly because for some reason they have a fetish for over sized women, some of the women featured in the documentry were absolutely massive. It is very strange stuff indeed.

[mgirl]

It definitely stems from some sort of self-esteem issue. I agree with some of the above posters. All you can do is explain to him that you are not interested in other guys and do your best to be yourself. If exercising makes you happy, then you must do this.

[aug104evr]

HELLO!!! Isn't anyone catching on to what she said? Ok so he's into chunky, that's one thing but the tanning thing says "I'm a control freak"!! He doesn't want you to be healthy and feel proud of yourself but on the other hand he doesn't communicate well or express emotions, which means your not getting compliments from him. Your family doesn't like him and his doesn't know about you. RUN!! Run until you lose all the weight you want!! My girlfriend is over weight and I think she looks beautiful the way she is. But if she wanted to lose weight and tan or get implants or whatever, that's up to her. I love the person on the inside. And congrats on losing the weight!!

[me_or_them]

Im confused about these responses. Why is the other's like of "chunky" people considered controlling? "I just want to have nice pecs and a 6 pack" why? that to me is superficial... all a 6 pac shows is you have no body fat. It doesnt convey strength nor does it convey health. it shows the opposite. body fat is essential. So this posters desire to conform to gay body image is good? I'm sorry but this shows quite well the overwhelming superficiality that most gay men are completely absorbed with. There is nothing wrong with liking people that do not comform to an ideal body image.

[UT]

I'll have to start of by saying that some of these statements have been a little hard and too judgmental based on too little information. But still, some of you did have some good points.

 

Fist of all. I can understand that your boyfriend might want you to be a little "chunky." It's all about preferences. this doesn't mean he's a "feeder" (Feeders are people who activly tries to fatten up his partner oand it's an extreme fetish), I just want's just to be a little softer. I know a guy Who preferes just slightly overweights men. Nothing extreme but a he wants them to be soft and claims that well trained men are just too hard.

 

I myself prefer anything. If I fall in love I fall in love and apperance doesn't make that much a difference. At the same time it could be insecurity as some have claimed. I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me but still I'm a little afraid he'll find someone else. He is so good looking and I know he can find someone so much better looking. But if he wants to do something to look better (even though on a way it increases the risk that he'll leave for someone else) I would support him. I think you should try and talk to him. Assure him that it is him you want and that you're doing this to look better for him and wants this yourself. Try to make him understand and ask him to love you anyways.

 

You're in a relationship and both of you have to compromise. That means giving up some things but also not to ask too much. Try to get along. I'm not saying that you should stop training out but maybe bring him. It could be something you could to together and be eachothers motivation. Hell I know I would do anything for my boyfriend. He makes me so happy and I have no problem giving up some things for him, to make him happy.

 

But the tan thing, I don't really understand. Maybe he's just being a little too superficial about that. Talk to him about it. Presonally I don't see what's wrong with a little color. I don't think he's a control freak but I don't think he should ask this much of you either.

[EnglishSilver]

Everyone has some sort of preference for body type, but for a lot of people its not important enough to affect the way you feel about someone you care for. I think he is insecure, and its not just that more other men might fancy you, its about you having an increased confidence and sense of your own attractiveness that might make you realise you have a wider choice!! not saying you would think like that, but he might think you do! Give him plenty of reassurance, but what you do with your body is entirely up to you.