Do I move on?

[Steven55]

Hi everyone, I'm here because I'm completely at a loss. 

We have a past and have had many ups and downs, she was crazy about me when we first met and I hurt her unintentionally which she uses against me at every opportunity, now it's me crazy about her...

Last year she picked me up and put me down so many times it's actually embarrassing that I let her do it. We don't live together so one slight little disagreement and I'd be blocked everywhere, she said it's her coping mechanism. I admit I am oversensitive and on occasion I didn't help myself. I actually walked away in October and she borderline pleaded for another chance and actually sat me down and apologised, something she rarely does. Fast forward to a few days after Christmas and she wants to move on. It's hard to take as I had booked us a holiday as a surprise, had bought us concert tickets and a weekend away. I was very much planning for the future. 

I've tried everything, she won't see me, won't talk to me and we are currently communicating via the odd email which she's rude and spiteful. 

I haven't had a reason other than her love for me has dwindled as time went on, I can accept that. But why plead for a chance two months previous to that? 

She has since said getting away from me is the best thing she's ever done, which hurt like hell. She's happier, flourishing at work with no distractions from me and so on. We crossed paths a month ago and she messaged to say she felt absolutely nothing. She doesn't even think about me anymore. 

Also, she's not anxious at all anymore. Now I can say with great certainty that she's very insecure. When we met I was a solid 2 out of 10 and had low self esteem, I've got into great shape and have more confidence confidence now so from time to time I get the odd flirty message on social media or asked for my phone number which I've told her about, I've never flirted or even looked at another woman though. Even if I changed a profile picture which I did literally three times a year, it would be me 'attention seeking' or 'who am I doing that for' along with other accusations. I've never lied to her yet she seemed intent on catching me out for something, it's like she hated the fact I was always honest. She had her ex's passwords for social media too which says a lot. 

Just writing this makes me realise how toxic things were, even she said I deserve better towards the end of last year after I caught her out lying about something trivial. When we fall out, I think of all the fun we've had but she's nagative and concentrates on the bad side of things to convince herself. But then when we spend time together absolutely nothing gets in the way, I still get butterflies before seeing her. I find her more attractive now than when we first met. She was my everything and she knew it. Above all we've both been through a lot of personal issues and we've been the best of friends. 

So what do I do? She's made it clear that we are over and although she's a cow at times and handled things immaturely I still think we'd be great after a full and honest conversation or two. It's like I'm her enemy at times, she won't confess any jealousy or insecurity to me but in October she said she was out of her comfort zone so it's clear she likes to be in control. She admits that she's vile to me but never anyone else which is also a reason for her to move on. 

Do I walk away for my own sanity even though I'm devastated? No contact rule and hope? She's adamant we are over and she's already moved on, do I respect her wishes and do the same?

I'm losing sleep and making myself ill over this, I'd appreciate any help. Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Steven55 said:

that I let her do it. We don't live together so one slight little disagreement and I'd be blocked everywhere, she said it's her coping mechanism.

 Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating?

She seems too unstable to date. Does she have drug, drinking or untreated mental health problems?

On/off relationships are fraught with drama like this. What you are feeling is intensity, not intimacy.

Decide how many more headaches and heartaches you want to tolerate with this situation.

[Steven55]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Sorry to hear this. How long have you been dating?

She seems too unstable to date. Does she have drug, drinking or untreated mental health problems?

On/off relationships are fraught with drama like this. What you are feeling is intensity, not intimacy.

Decide how many more headaches and heartaches you want to tolerate with this situation.

We were great friends for a long time but it's been around 2 years since we decided to make a go of it. I was it it for the long haul and seen my long term future with her despite everything, I guess I hoped that with a bit of commitment she'd realise she didn't need to worry about other women. 

She doesn't take drugs or drink whatsoever. Just typing all this has made me realise how manipulative she was though. 

To add to this, she has said a few times that she doesn't feel good enough for me which couldn't be further from the truth. She stalks my ex online (the mother of my children) and compares herself, my ex buys expensive designer dresses and shoes for example but she can't afford to. It has never mattered to me.

[DancingFool]

Short answer to your title is YES you do move on.

She has made it very very clear that she is done and when someone does that, you need to accept it, respect it, and focus on your own healing and moving on. What you don't do is bs yourself with the idea that if only you talk some more that somehow magically your differences will be resolved, the other person will see the light and decide to stick around. It doesn't work like that. When someone tells you that they no longer see you as a part of their life, you need to learn to accept their decision with grace and dignity and understand that their decision is not a commentary on you or your worth.

Also, it doesn't matter what you have been through or what you have shared together. There is a saying that some people come into your life for a minute or so for a reason - usually so that you learn, grow, evolve - and then they exit your life. They are not there to continue to hold your hand but rather to set you free to fly, to continue to evolve on your own. They've opened a door for you, but now it's your job to walk through it and forward on your own. They are not meant to keep holding your hand. Sounds to me like she was that person for you and while it's good to think of this moment in your life fondly and take the lessons you've learned, you do need to continue your growth and journey on your own. I hope this makes sense to you.

[KiwiFriends404]

1 hour ago, Steven55 said:

Do I walk away for my own sanity even though I'm devastated? No contact rule and hope? She's adamant we are over and she's already moved on, do I respect her wishes and do the same?

I'm losing sleep and making myself ill over this, I'd appreciate any help. Thank you. 

I think you should do the 45 day no contact rule. Take it as time that you're going to use for JUST you. Mentally you can tell yourself it's not forever, and at the end of it you'll talk with her again.

And no, she isn't going to forget about you.

Give her this time to actually SIT in the breakup that ultimately she caused. Let her see what life is like without you. At the end of the 45 days, talk with her again and if you've noticed a lot of growth maybe you can try again. But it sounds like you're caught in a pretty bad cycle.

A tip a friend of mine told me as I'm going through my own breakup is to write down each day your in no contact whether or not you actually would want to get back together with this person or not. Then at the end of the 45 days see how consistent you were with that. That should help guide you as to whether or not this was truly worth it.

[Steven55]

1 minute ago, DancingFool said:

Short answer to your title is YES you do move on.

She has made it very very clear that she is done and when someone does that, you need to accept it, respect it, and focus on your own healing and moving on. What you don't do is bs yourself with the idea that if only you talk some more that somehow magically your differences will be resolved, the other person will see the light and decide to stick around. It doesn't work like that. When someone tells you that they no longer see you as a part of their life, you need to learn to accept their decision with grace and dignity and understand that their decision is not a commentary on you or your worth.

Also, it doesn't matter what you have been through or what you have shared together. There is a saying that some people come into your life for a minute or so for a reason - usually so that you learn, grow, evolve - and then they exit your life. They are not there to continue to hold your hand but rather to set you free to fly, to continue to evolve on your own. They've opened a door for you, but now it's your job to walk through it and forward on your own. They are not meant to keep holding your hand. Sounds to me like she was that person for you and while it's good to think of this moment in your life fondly and take the lessons you've learned, you do need to continue your growth and journey on your own. I hope this makes sense to you.

Yes thank you, that all makes perfect sense. 

I guess for me the fact that we've been here before so many times, it's set the precedent of you like. She's always said she never meant it deep down or it was a mistake so I was waiting for the change of heart which hasn't come this time. 

It's just hard to accept that we were on completely different pages, I've forgiven her for treating me the way she does and felt like I stuck by her, this is the thanks I get.

She said she'll call me on Thursday to talk about it but she won't change her mind, it's goodbye. While I don't understand any of this, maybe it's best I just let go without the character assassination and cancel any further contact. 

Thank you. 

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, Steven55 said:

Yes thank you, that all makes perfect sense. 

I guess for me the fact that we've been here before so many times, it's set the precedent of you like. She's always said she never meant it deep down or it was a mistake so I was waiting for the change of heart which hasn't come this time. 

It's just hard to accept that we were on completely different pages, I've forgiven her for treating me the way she does and felt like I stuck by her, this is the thanks I get.

She said she'll call me on Thursday to talk about it but she won't change her mind, it's goodbye. While I don't understand any of this, maybe it's best I just let go without the character assassination and cancel any further contact. 

Thank you. 

You actually have good instincts, so do listen to them. Yes, cancel the chat and just be done. No need to expose yourself to more bs. Forgiveness is good, but forgiveness is so that YOU can let go and move on.