Hi everyone, I'm here because I'm completely at a loss.
We have a past and have had many ups and downs, she was crazy about me when we first met and I hurt her unintentionally which she uses against me at every opportunity, now it's me crazy about her...
Last year she picked me up and put me down so many times it's actually embarrassing that I let her do it. We don't live together so one slight little disagreement and I'd be blocked everywhere, she said it's her coping mechanism. I admit I am oversensitive and on occasion I didn't help myself. I actually walked away in October and she borderline pleaded for another chance and actually sat me down and apologised, something she rarely does. Fast forward to a few days after Christmas and she wants to move on. It's hard to take as I had booked us a holiday as a surprise, had bought us concert tickets and a weekend away. I was very much planning for the future.
I've tried everything, she won't see me, won't talk to me and we are currently communicating via the odd email which she's rude and spiteful.
I haven't had a reason other than her love for me has dwindled as time went on, I can accept that. But why plead for a chance two months previous to that?
She has since said getting away from me is the best thing she's ever done, which hurt like hell. She's happier, flourishing at work with no distractions from me and so on. We crossed paths a month ago and she messaged to say she felt absolutely nothing. She doesn't even think about me anymore.
Also, she's not anxious at all anymore. Now I can say with great certainty that she's very insecure. When we met I was a solid 2 out of 10 and had low self esteem, I've got into great shape and have more confidence confidence now so from time to time I get the odd flirty message on social media or asked for my phone number which I've told her about, I've never flirted or even looked at another woman though. Even if I changed a profile picture which I did literally three times a year, it would be me 'attention seeking' or 'who am I doing that for' along with other accusations. I've never lied to her yet she seemed intent on catching me out for something, it's like she hated the fact I was always honest. She had her ex's passwords for social media too which says a lot.
Just writing this makes me realise how toxic things were, even she said I deserve better towards the end of last year after I caught her out lying about something trivial. When we fall out, I think of all the fun we've had but she's nagative and concentrates on the bad side of things to convince herself. But then when we spend time together absolutely nothing gets in the way, I still get butterflies before seeing her. I find her more attractive now than when we first met. She was my everything and she knew it. Above all we've both been through a lot of personal issues and we've been the best of friends.
So what do I do? She's made it clear that we are over and although she's a cow at times and handled things immaturely I still think we'd be great after a full and honest conversation or two. It's like I'm her enemy at times, she won't confess any jealousy or insecurity to me but in October she said she was out of her comfort zone so it's clear she likes to be in control. She admits that she's vile to me but never anyone else which is also a reason for her to move on.
Do I walk away for my own sanity even though I'm devastated? No contact rule and hope? She's adamant we are over and she's already moved on, do I respect her wishes and do the same?
I'm losing sleep and making myself ill over this, I'd appreciate any help. Thank you.