how bad can this be?

[SeaBisquit]

hi everyone, last night i got in a really bad agrument with my bf and said something really bad to him, at least he's taking it really bad. i have been feeling pretty insecure in our relationship because of the distance that is between us and our recent break up. but anyhow, in the middle of our agrument i shouted out to him that we were just " friends that screw" except i used the f word but i can post that on this site. anyways he was really offended by what i said and i'm just wondering exactly how bad this really is. i said it because alot of times i feel like he doesn't care about me and that he is still in love with his ex.

[DragonGirl724]

wow...well first of all...are you 2 an official couple? and 2: i think YOUre the one not over his ex, not him...if he got really hurt by what you said you must mean more to him than anyone else he knows. when some people have sex with someone they give them their all, they feel vulnerable and succomb to the other person, trusting them with their heart, becoming emotionally & physically attached to the person theyre intimate with, sharing a bond of passion together & having part of themselves given to the other person........

 

.....and then you say something like "we're just F-Buddies!"......ouch* id say.

 

i cant blame him why hes so hurt. once you invest so much of yourself into soemone else & they bark at you with a comment like that...its heartbreaking.

 

-DG724

[SeaBisquit]

thank you for your response drangongirl,

sometimes i say things that i can't take back. in this case i have been acting like a nutcase throughout this entire relationship. i guess i'm lucky that he is so forgiving, but really i need to learn to quit being so insecure and knock it off with the silly remarks but sometimes i can't help being so insecure and mostly jealous.

[DragonGirl724]

im going to link you to an enotalone post i think you should check out:

 

link removed

 

read my advice on there, i posted a few replies...it helped her out right away, maybe it could do the same for you. and in the mean time put a leash on that toungue of yours. one day you may not be able to take back what you said & you may lose a wonderful person.

 

-DG724

[DN]

I think sincere apologies are in order and a real hard effort to make him believe that you really didn't mean what you said. And DG is right - put a leash on the tongue - think before you speak, especially something hurtful like that.

[SeaBisquit]

DN,

when i said it, it kinda flew out of my mouth out of alot of anger and jealousy. i think at the time i even meant what i said. now reading this post it has made me realize how insecure and childish i have been. the other thing is that he has never raised his voice or even swore at me. i have swore at him several times and he has just quietly walk away, and to be honest i was pissed out that i didn't get the kind of reaction i wanted out of him. i don't understand what makes me feel this way honestly, i know i have some serious issues of insecurity or something else how do i go about resolving this?

[DragonGirl724]

Bisquit did that link i gave you help any??

 

maybe youre just one of those people that like drama in their relationships b/c it expresses passion & when you start a war you want a man who can keep it up otherwise it pisses you off more without any 'satisfaction'. or maybe you find it frustrating to have a guy who cant or wont fight back...is he too passive for your taste? a maybe a guy whos more confrontational would suit you better?

 

-DG724

[DN]

DN,

when i said it, it kinda flew out of my mouth out of alot of anger and jealousy. i think at the time i even meant what i said. now reading this post it has made me realize how insecure and childish i have been. the other thing is that he has never raised his voice or even swore at me. i have swore at him several times and he has just quietly walk away, and to be honest i was pissed out that i didn't get the kind of reaction i wanted out of him. i don't understand what makes me feel this way honestly, i know i have some serious issues of insecurity or something else how do i go about resolving this?

 

The main issue is: are you getting problems solved? It is no good if you lose your temper and do what you did, but it is also not good if he just avoids any problems by walking away.

 

The best way to deal with issues is to talk calmly and rationally. That does not mean unemotionally, but it does mean that you state your case reasonably and then listen to the other person - really listen and try to see things from their point of view. Talk it through, negotiate and compromise if possible and come to a mutually agreeable decision.

 

Easy to say and harder to do but it becomes easier with practice.

[keefy1972]

Ya know what DG?? That link you posted helped me!! That is excellent advice and I need to follow that myself. Thinking about it, when me and my ex first started dating, I was out and about alot. I got really close to her and stopped going out with friends. I suffocated our relationship.

[DragonGirl724]

glad it helped you. if someone had told me that advice when I was having a situation like this in my past i would have been able to stop it dead in its tracks & fix (within myself) what wasnt working. it wasnt until after it effected my relationship did i realize how serious & detramental it could be on a relationship. and if i can help someone by helping them understand what i couldnt understand at the time im sure as heck going to do it.

 

i appreciate the positive feedback. thank you.

 

-DG724

[SeaBisquit]

thanks DG for the link it did help me out. just reading this post and the replies has also made me realize how stupid i can be. the thing is i also have a hard time expressing my feelings so i'll keep it all bottled up inside, then when i get so upset that i can't keep it inside anymore i end up saying things that i don't mean. i know i have this problem i just haven't been able to resolve it.

 

the part about drama: that is probably very true, i often don't see things the way they really are

 

i have also lied and kept things hidden from my S/O to avoid confrontation or to make him feel that our relationship is going well. when really i don't feel it is going well at all.

 

my biggest problem: I DON"T KNOW HOW TO ASK FOR WHAT I WANT!

[DN]

I sent this to someone else about how to ask for what you want – it is not exactly like your situation but it may help:

 

People move towards comfort and away from pain. So when you want someone to do something, particularly when you are in a relationship with some one it is much better to get what you want or get them to do what you want by making it about you rather than them.

 

When you talk about your relationship make sure you start by talking about the positive aspects as well as the negative, pay him compliments for what he did well. Then address the negative as problems to be solved by both of you working together to please each other rather than attack one another. No recriminations but a desire not to hurt again.

 

My advice is to ask him to talk with you about the relationship Do not say, "We need to talk". When guys hear that from girlfriends, they know what it really means is "I need to talk and you have to listen" and they run for the hills by either retreating into silence or start pushing back. So don't so that.

 

In general, if you say to someone: "You don't do (whatever)" this is perceived as an attack. But if you say, "When you do (whatever) it makes me feel good/wanted/warm and fuzzy/insert positive emotion of choice" then that is seen as a request for help - it is not an attack.

 

So when you are talking to him about what you want do so in a way that is not seen as an attack (pain) but in a way that makes him want to please you (pleasure).

 

Think about the things that you want from him, what you want him to do for you, and phrase them in a way that he will not see as a criticism but as a request. Don't say, in effect: "you are a bad boyfriend because you don't do this, or you do that!!" because that will cause him pain and he will react with anger. Instead, say, "I feel lonely and hurt when you say that (or do that)" That way you are not so much attacking him as asking him to help you by not hurting you.

 

Remember that if you push someone, physically or emotionally they will either withdraw from you or push back. So don't do that. Lead him, by example, into a new way of communicating: negotiate don't demand. Compromise, don't be unyielding. Talk rationally not emotionally about problems. Recognise that he has a point of view – he is not immature because it is not the same as yours. Ask him to help you put the relationship back where it was when you were both happy. Identify what makes both of you unhappy and work together to get those problems fixed.

 

Does this make sense to you?

[smiles21]

Dragongirl, i think you might be the perfect woman. Im in NY as well, marry me. LOL.

[DragonGirl724]

Dragongirl, i think you might be the perfect woman. Im in NY as well, marry me. LOL.

 

blown away thank you smiles!

 

 

and DN, great reply....as usual.

 

-DG724

[DragonGirl724]

youre not stupid for the way you acted. if you learn from it, then you are far from stupid. if you continue to make the same mistakes, then yes that is stupid. but it seems that you are willing to learn more about yourself to fix this little flaw in you & im sure once you get a hold of yourself & what you want out of this relationship & can find the method of explaining yourself better to him, you will be a top of the line GF. if you have a hot temper, relax & breath before you make a shrude remark & blow up for a reason that can be diffused & discussed like adults. i too have a temper at times & i give myself a pat on the back when i bite my toungue. lol soon itll become more routine for you to not lash out & itll be a new way of life for you. and youll see, in the real world (outside of relationships) cooling your temper is a very beneficial 'people skill'. so calm down & chill out a little bit & find a common ground w/ your mate where you 2 can dicuss things that are very important to your relationship...without interrupting eachother & creating World War III.

 

you can do it.

 

-DG724

[smiles21]

Dragongirl, i think you might be the perfect woman. Im in NY as well, marry me. LOL.

 

blown away thank you smiles!

 

 

and DN, great reply....as usual.

 

-DG724

 

 

Were both 21, live in NY, lets get together sometime, you seem like a nice girl. God knows there is none of them left.