Questioning my incarcerated boyfriend's sexuality

[Anon907]

I've known him 10 years (knew him before prison). We recently reconnected. He's in prison for a non violent crime (no lectures about him being a 'bad' person pls) and has five more years. For the past year we've been talking he doesn't act sexual or romantic. When he tries it sounds awkward and fake. Whenever I confront him (wudnt a prisoner be horny as h*ll?) he says hes 'scared' to seem like hes just after me for my body. It just doesn't seem normal to me.

He's hinted that he got 'VERY' close with his cellmate, and is depressed this guy left, but won't elaborate. He seemed straight when we were together, although he always loved jelly jars in his butt.

He says hes a 'dom'. Could he feel emasculated? He does seem depressed and has a lot of health problems (he weighs 450 pounds). Do I just ask outright are you gay? He could just not like me anymore but hes not interested in other women either. I'm slim and cute lol.

One reason I ask is I don't want to get HIV when he gets out.

[Rose Mosse]

If you like him you like him. Why put all that pressure on him to behave romantic and or sexual? These are phone conversations only so the interactions are already limited. If he isn't into it he just isn't. Have you asked yourself what you want out of this?

[Anon907]

Rose - I really don't get the reason for the bit of attitude in your reply. 'If you like him you like him', 'if he doesn't like you he doesn't like you'. What kind of reply is that? That wasn't helpful lol. And the communication isn't 'phone only' so if you don't know what you're talking about, politely keep to yourself. Thanks.

[chrisbow]

I hope I can be more helpful to you than the last poster here. That did seem rude. There can be all kinds of reasons for your boyfriend seeming distant. I've known people in prison and it can do a number on someone psychologically. If you really want to be in this relationship, i suggest turning to some prison forums for support. There are other resources as well. People get into these relationships not really knowing all that it entails, emotionally, even financially sometimes. I wouldn't ask him about his sexuality. If you love him, don't pressure him too much. Just try to be patient with him.

[Anon907]

Thank you Chris. I don't think I realized what I was getting into. I'm thinking of just being here as a friend for him and nothing else. He pushed me for this relationship, and I got pulled into everything so fast, but now I'm thinking I don't want to give up years of my life for someone I can't even be sure about. 

[Rose Mosse]

You are not only giving up years of your life but also your peace of mind if you're worried about STDs. My post was not meant to be rude. It was meant to encourage you to explore what you want out of dating this man. 

He told you this "he says hes 'scared' to seem like hes just after me for my body" so that's your biggest clue why he's been avoiding you or maybe he's just not into this as much anymore. It's a tough pill to swallow but it also means you don't have to go down the route wondering about whether he's into men. 

Good for you for dialing it back a little and considering him as a friend. Don't keep putting yourself out there for someone if they're not giving the same back in a relationship.

[chrisbow]

18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You are not only giving up years of your life but also your peace of mind if you're worried about STDs. My post was not meant to be rude. It was meant to encourage you to explore what you want out of dating this man. 

He told you this "he says hes 'scared' to seem like hes just after me for my body" so that's your biggest clue why he's been avoiding you or maybe he's just not into this as much anymore. It's a tough pill to swallow but it also means you don't have to go down the route wondering about whether he's into men. 

Good for you for dialing it back a little and considering him as a friend. Don't keep putting yourself out there for someone if they're not giving the same back in a relationship.

Or maybe he's just scared. Not knowing their history, it does sound like there could be some kind of communication barrier. I know I'm often hesitant to be overly sexual with my girlfriend because women often do take us as animalistic when we act like that. I think the incarceration adds another dimension to this also. 

[Hollyj]

What a complete waste of your life.  Can I ask what attracts you to this dynamic?   This guy is a repeat loser, what happened in your past that you do not believe you deserve more?

[Hollyj]

1 hour ago, Anon907 said:

Rose - I really don't get the reason for the bit of attitude in your reply. 'If you like him you like him', 'if he doesn't like you he doesn't like you'. What kind of reply is that? That wasn't helpful lol. And the communication isn't 'phone only' so if you don't know what you're talking about, politely keep to yourself. Thanks.

Good grief, Rose is one of the most considerate posters on this forum, why so sensitive?  

What do your friends and family think of this guy?

[Batya33]

I sense there is a lot about this story that is not exactly um accurate - if it's not  then this is an interaction that already has many serious obstacles including his bad choices (which is very different from being a bad person). If, years from now, you want to date him when he is out of prison, you can both get tested.  Your risk of STDs will be no different -you two are not exclusive so if he does get to interact with other women for good behavior in prison - then he might be sexual with women other than you -you didn't say you two were in an exclusive relationship or that you were going to not date others while he is in prison -so he would also have similar risks.  

[Batya33]

My sense is if you react to him in the defensive/overblown way you are reacting to people here then my sense is that he's not going to be much in the mood to be sexual or romantic no matter what you look like physically.

[HeartGoesOn]

Under review.