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Not sure if I should tell him how I feel.


Liliane

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Michael (25 M)  and I (25 F) have been friends since we've been kids, and Ive always had a huge crush on him. I never told him how I felt, because I didnt want to ruin our friendship on the off-chance he didnt feel the same way. He ended up meeting another girl, and as a result we kind of drifted apart. She passed away 4 years ago, and we really only re-connected because I felt he needed someone to lean on. Over the last  few years, we've gotten much closer than we ever were. We talk pretty much every day for hours. Theres an obvious spark between us, but I think hes been hesitant to say how he feels about me because not only is he just generally really shy, any kind of relationship still feels "wrong" to him. I know he still misses her, and I get that, but..

 

I love him. It was so hard seeing him so in pain when she passed away. It took a long time for him to even talk about how he felt. He was feeling suicidal, and miserable, and I just wanted to help him get better, but I couldnt stop old feelings from taking over. Seeing him laugh and smile again was just the world to me. I want to tell him how I feel, but dont know if I should just wait, or just do it, or even if I *should* do it. I get the feeling hes scared to let himswlf be in a relationship again, and I feel bad about things happening this way, and I just dont know if its the right thing to do. 

 

Any and all advice is deeply appreciated. 

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7 minutes ago, Liliane said:

Michael (25 M)  and I (25 F) have been friends since we've been kids, and Ive always had a huge crush on him. I never told him how I felt, because I didnt want to ruin our friendship on the off-chance he didnt feel the same way. He ended up meeting another girl, and as a result we kind of drifted apart. She passed away 4 years ago, and we really only re-connected because I felt he needed someone to lean on. Over the last  few years, we've gotten much closer than we ever were. We talk pretty much every day for hours. Theres an obvious spark between us, but I think hes been hesitant to say how he feels about me because not only is he just generally really shy, any kind of relationship still feels "wrong" to him. I know he still misses her, and I get that, but..

 

I love him. It was so hard seeing him so in pain when she passed away. It took a long time for him to even talk about how he felt. He was feeling suicidal, and miserable, and I just wanted to help him get better, but I couldnt stop old feelings from taking over. Seeing him laugh and smile again was just the world to me. I want to tell him how I feel, but dont know if I should just wait, or just do it, or even if I *should* do it. I get the feeling hes scared to let himswlf be in a relationship again, and I feel bad about things happening this way, and I just dont know if its the right thing to do. 

 

Any and all advice is deeply appreciated. 

I haven’t experienced that type of grief but 4 years seems like a decent amount of time. Because he will never “forget her” or really stop missing her, he’ll just get more use to the feeling. Now is he still  suicidal? If not, then I’d say go for it. If he’s still deep in his emotions, then I’d just say take a step back and allow him to properly grief and maybe even get some professional help. 

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I can speak from experience here. 

I lost a boyfriend to an accident many years ago. It turned my world upside down and I shunned relationships for a while after that. I just couldn't handle getting that close to someone, and I had yet to really process the grief. Took me a solid 2 or 3 years before I felt I could let my guard down and really enjoy a relationship, and I still randomly deal with triggers (very occasionally), more than 20 years later. It will probably always be with me, to some degree. But it doesn't disrupt my relationships the way it once did. 

It's true that everyone grieves in their own way, on their own timeline. And when you're in that headspace, what others say or do to help you doesn't register much. He may need professional counseling to help him, if he hasn't already sought it out ... or he may just not have the those feelings for you and thus keeps himself closed-off to you. 

Has he given you any indication that he might have some feelings for you? 

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8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I can speak from experience here. 

I lost a boyfriend to an accident many years ago. It turned my world upside down and I shunned relationships for a while after that. I just couldn't handle getting that close to someone, and I had yet to really process the grief. Took me a solid 2 or 3 years before I felt I could let my guard down and really enjoy a relationship, and I still randomly deal with triggers (very occasionally), more than 20 years later. It will probably always be with me, to some degree. But it doesn't disrupt my relationships the way it once did. 

It's true that everyone grieves in their own way, on their own timeline. And when you're in that headspace, what others say or do to help you doesn't register much. He may need professional counseling to help him, if he hasn't already sought it out ... or he may just not have the those feelings for you and thus keeps himself closed-off to you. 

Has he given you any indication that he might have some feelings for you? 

Firstly, I am truly sorry for your loss, thats horrible. 

 

And I would definitely say he has. At first it was just little moments, Id catch him kind of looking at me, and he'll blush and turn away. Its the cutest thing. Just more recently we did Christmas at his place, just the two of us, and we spent a lot of it not really full on cuddling, but just being really close, and playful in a way only people who are into eachother would be, like a little flirty or he would tickle me when we were on the couch.

 

I dont feel as though he's still suicidal, I feel like he's just afraid to "let go" and move on. Everytime we have a little moment its usually followed by him saying sorry and kind of backing off. Even though I tell him its okay. I just havent tried to push him into anything at all.

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1 hour ago, Liliane said:

We talk pretty much every day for hours. He was feeling suicidal.

He is Not in a position to have a relationship. You need to stop trying to be a therapist or "talk for hours all day".

There's no "spark".  Please back off and let him turn to family, trusted friends and mental health support.

It's important not to prey on vulnerable people hoping to swoop in and turn it into your romance. 

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11 hours ago, Liliane said:

any kind of relationship still feels "wrong" to him. I know he still misses her,

In that case, I think you should let it be.  Remain as you are 'friends'.. also, so often as soon as you cross that line, it will affect your friendship you've got now 😞 

 

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12 hours ago, Liliane said:

 any kind of relationship still feels "wrong" to him. I know he still misses her, I get the feeling hes scared to let himswlf be in a relationship again,

I would say that all of the above indicates that he's not ready to be in another relationship. I say leave it be. IF he has true feelings for you, no doubt he will let you know when HE feels ready.  I say the ball is in his court for this one.

Back off with too much flirting - it will come across as too pushy/desperate.

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