Tips for Dealing with Unrealistic/Oblivious Boss(es)

[reinventmyself]

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

 

W T F does "shortly" mean? 

I wish he'd predicated his last message on the fact that his hiring was contingent on these two projects.

Maaaaaaaan. I hate getting my hopes up like this. It makes my current job seem even worse than it already was.

Emotions are so annoying!!!

I am likely not telling you anything you don't already know, but it's helpful to tie a time frame to questions like these.

Instead of 'did you by chance'  I might rephrased that with " Do you have the numbers and if not, when can I expect them? 

[Jibralta]

24 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Instead of 'did you by chance'  I might rephrased that with " Do you have the numbers and if not, when can I expect them? 

Yeah. Dang.

Technically, I'm in a position of power because I'm employed. But my anxious mind doesn't let me feel that.

I haven't responded. I don't really know what to say. "Ok," is too permissive, and "W T F does 'shortly' mean?" is too desperate. And maybe a little aggressive.
I'm stuck 😅

[Jibralta]

In a weird way, getting a job is a lot like dating.

You meet someone, they look interesting, you're both on your best behavior. You get to know each other, find out what you have in common...

Or at least you think you're finding out what you have in common....

Then, a couple months down the road, you find out that things aren't quite the way they were represented to be. 

How can you ever tell ahead of time that it's not going to be a good fit? You really can't.

People are good a putting on an act to get what they want.  Many (perhaps most) times, they even believe their own act (they're not all sociopaths). 

You kind of have to wade into each situation a bit to find out. Pay your pound of flesh up front.

Could finding a good job in this industry really be all luck?

How much time and flesh am I expected to pay?

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I wonder if they believe their lies....  

I think they absolutely do!

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

How can you ever tell ahead of time that it's not going to be a good fit? You really can't.

People are good a putting on an act to get what they want.  Many (perhaps most) times, they even believe their own act (they're not all sociopaths). 

You kind of have to wade into each situation a bit to find out. Pay your pound of flesh up front.

Yea... I would add to maybe keep your options open (like you've done) and don't get too committed until they've proven themselves to be normal, maybe past the year mark.  Just like dating.

[Jibralta]

I don't think I can cross my fingers any harder.

I'm probably going to take a pay cut. That doesn't bother me, but it really irritates my mom.

"You're not going to sell yourself short again, are you?" Like I'm always doing this to her. Like she's the one taking the pay cut. lol. That's my mom.

I do sell myself short sometimes, but there's method to my madness. I'm not hurting for money. And I have an idea of what he might offer me. It's very doable. I'd rather have peace of mind than more money. 

She remembers Bill from over the last three years as someone who hasn't gotten his act together. That's interesting. I have a much more neurotic take on matters. In my mind, I'm the one who kept running out on him. He didn't let me down. But I see her point. If he had moved faster, I wouldn't have taken those other opportunities.

I'm crossing everything at this point. I'm practically twisted up into a pretzel.

[indea08]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think I can cross my fingers any harder.

I'm probably going to take a pay cut. That doesn't bother me, but it really irritates my mom.

"You're not going to sell yourself short again, are you?" Like I'm always doing this to her. Like she's the one taking the pay cut. lol. That's my mom.

I do sell myself short sometimes, but there's method to my madness. I'm not hurting for money. And I have an idea of what he might offer me. It's very doable. I'd rather have peace of mind than more money. 

She remembers Bill from over the last three years as someone who hasn't gotten his act together. That's interesting. I have a much more neurotic take on matters. In my mind, I'm the one who kept running out on him. He didn't let me down. But I see her point. If he had moved faster, I wouldn't have taken those other opportunities.

I'm crossing everything at this point. I'm practically twisted up into a pretzel.

Don’t forget to still continue looking elsewhere. Don’t put all your eggs in his basket, especially if it’s fallen through multiple times before.

I am so hopeful for you! I really hope this works out for the best!!

[LootieTootie]

Pulling for you, Jibralta. I feel like when you start taking mental heath days off, it's time to look elsewhere.

[Jibralta]

Not much of an update.

 

[dias]

You know the very vexing answer Jib .. patience...lol

 

any other offers in the meantime?

[Jibralta]

I haven't been applying to other places. I'm just too exhausted when I get done with work, to be honest. And frankly, I often work into my own personal time, after my official day is done. So, there's no time of my own to do normal things like get my life in order.

I was actually just reading something about people's behavior these days, how many were "sheltering in place" in their current jobs, and why people weren't trying to get new jobs. I think like 25% of the people polled said they were too exhausted by their current job to even think about applying for a new job--that's me lol.

I was getting all geared up to start my new job search when Bill contacted me. And weirdly, that sort of took the wind out of my sails! Or maybe it just redirected my sails. All of my remaining energy got focused on this one job, instead of jobs in general.

But just today, I did seriously think about getting the ball rolling on applying to other places. Unfortunately, today is a wash because I have to get my tax documentation finished up for 2020. And I really shouldn't dillydally on that. I should have gotten this stuff to my accountant two weeks ago.

My employers do their own bookkeeping. And knowing them, they've screwed something up--like my withholdings. It'll be difficult enough wrestling with them over it while I'm employed here. I don't even want to think about the struggle it will be after I leave! 

But you're right, I should start actually sending resumes out. I started drawing better boundaries with my time last week. And I haven't felt as much stress over this weekend as I had been feeling. I think I'll be up to it next weekend. And if this workweek isn't too horrible, maybe before then.

[Jibralta]

OMG. Simon and Kasey have called me into the satellite office. Maybe they will fire me. 

Can't say I'll be terribly sad about that. My neurosis says I should be. But the real me would be happy.

[Jibralta]

Nope, not fired. Pay cut, though. 

At the end of Simon's long soliloquy (during and after which I had no opportunity to say anything (and didn't bother to try!)), I almost said, "Well, I have to think about this." 

But instead, I said, "Ok."

And boy were they happy lol!!!!

They probably thought I'd negotiate up. Normally I would have, but I as I was sitting there, I thought, "Why bother?"

I mean, w t f do I care? I know I'm outta there. Whether I go with Bill, or go with another company, I'm leaving.

If I protested, it just would have been another stupid argument where I was wrong and they were right. Might as well leave on a good note--as far as they're concerned at least.

I did really well. I was light hearted, professional. By the end of the meeting, we were all sitting around shooting the sht and telling stories. 

I'll be a little poorer now, but actually this new amount is the pay decrease that I budgeted for earlier. It's very doable.

 

[dias]

Sorry to hear that Jib...did they mention the reason for the pay cut?

[Jibralta]

Yes, they said I wasn't performing up to expectations.

Sigh.... there was a lot I could have said about that. But there's no use arguing with them. 

[dias]

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Sigh.... there was a lot I could have said about that. But there's no use arguing with them. 

You did the right thing. There is no point in arguing. In a room of crazy people, the sane one looks crazy.

You will find a good salary elsewhere, make sure though not to sacrifice your mental health over a few dollars. Not worth it in my opinion.  

 

[Jibralta]

OH. I forgot to mention that in three months, they'll review me and possibly restore my current salary. 

But I don't intend to still be there at that point!

28 minutes ago, dias said:

You did the right thing.

I agree. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I did a darned good job handling them. They were like, "This is a really good decision. You'll see. It'll go far. We really want you to grow with us."

Honestly, I actually felt tempted to stay. I know that sounds crazy. But when you get into that zone where you pretend like all of the problems have been solved, you start to believe it a little.

And part of me (ridiculously!!!!) feels bad for going along with the whole thing when I'm not planning to stay. But I think it's the prudent thing to do. I have nothing to prove to them. And if I tried, they wouldn't believe it anyway.

[Jibralta]

I just feel like this was a set up since November, when that stupid thing with the cost estimate happened. Simon tries to get away with anything he can get away with. The bare minimum.

When my work truck was literally turning itself off as I was going 80mph on the highway, Simon was primarily focused on getting a discount on the repair--which he did... and the truck continued to break down.

They don't want to pay me what they paid me, bottom line. They want the same work for less money.

Bah, it doesn't matter. I have a job, I'm still going to be able to save, and this is just a moment in time. The future lies ahead. 

That line from Dirty Dancing keeps replaying in my head, where Patrick Swayze marches up to the family's table and says, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner!" 

In this situation, I'm Baby. I've been pushed into the corner, and I'm the one trying to demand that nobody puts me in the corner. It takes a lot more energy without that Patrick Swayze character to back me up. And it's not as effective, that's for sure.

When I got to the office earlier, I was fully prepared to leave, and I organized myself accordingly. I reactivated the premium feature of LinkedIn, because that allows you to search for an apply to jobs more easily.

When I got home tonight, I saw a posting from a company that I'm really interested in working for. I got so excited about it that I wrote up a whole cover letter for it.

I thought of reaching out to Bill to get a better sense of his timeline. I'd hate for our trajectories to miss each other again. I'm going to wait until tomorrow, though. At least.

[Jibralta]

I was just telling my boyfriend about part of the conversation that I had with Simon and Kasey.

It was after Simon proposed my lower salary. He said, "I don't want to worry about you getting disgruntled."

I found that amusing, and I said, "Well, what do you mean by 'disgruntled?'"

He said, "You know, like unhappy."

I said, "Well, I am unhappy, and I don't think there's any harm in having my own emotion."

Kasey piped in and said, "Yeah. She can be unhappy. Anyone would be unhappy."

Simon said, "Well, I mean more like acting out and making trouble for people."

I was like, "You don't have to worry about that. I'm not passive aggressive. I'm an emotionally mature human being. I know how to behave."

And then the conversation moved on to other things.

So, I was telling this to Arnold, my boyfriend, and Arnold was like, "Yeah, Simon wants to make sure you're not playing by his rules. He wants you to play by your rules, to be accountable. He needs you to be accountable so that he can turn around and hold you to your word while he remains unaccountable." 

That was like an epiphany in my head. It's a power play. It reminded me of the way that the Wichita police captured Dennis Rader, a serial killer. Dennis Rader had been taunting the police with evidence of his killings. But the police were able to established a level of trust with him, and they had a dialog going back and forth in one of the newspapers.

One day, Dennis Rader asked the cops if they would be able to trace a floppy disk. The police said, "No, we can't trace that." This was a lie. But Dennis believed them. He assumed that the cops would play by 'the rules,' i.e., good guys won't resort to lying just to win. 

Boy was Dennis wrong. And legend has it, he was pretty pissed that the cops lied. The cops, on the other hand, felt fine about it.

Simon's been trying to leverage my own sense of responsibility and accountability against me. He doesn't realize that the lever snapped a couple weeks ago. There's a big hairline crack straight through it. I've been holding it together. 

 

[maritalbliss86]

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, they said I wasn't performing up to expectations.

 

It never ceases to amaze me that when one brings up valid concerns like you've had to do, that some people can turn it around and make you the problem.  

I thought I could see that being the way this would go down, but hoped it would go differently for you.  I'm so sorry Ugh!!  I think you did great and now they won't be able to say you left on a bad note.

[LootieTootie]

11 hours ago, Jibralta said:

 

Can't say I'll be terribly sad about that. My neurosis says I should be. But the real me would be happy.

I think you handled it well. The work environment is toxic and you shouldn't have to push a heavy rock up the hill every day you show up to work. It becomes a matter of "what's the point?" I think you finally hit that moment and you handled it well because you're right. What's the point? You are leaving any way and these guys are still turning it around to "well you are not performing up to expectations." They want you to shut up and do your work, like most shytty bosses.

In the end, they are just another example of companies that don't know how to keep smart and capable people and they keep wondering why they only have incompetent or lazy workers.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

now they won't be able to say you left on a bad note.

Exactly. 

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

The work environment is toxic

It's crazy, because I literally like all of the people who work there. The bosses just aren't accountable.

I found out today that they actually had another architect before me, who they fired. They said he spent 400 hours on a project and didn't get anything done. 

It's weird that I never heard of that guy until now. Maybe they were too embarrassed to even talk about him. Like, how does that even happen? You pay someone for 10 weeks and you don't check their work until week 10??

No wonder Simon got pissed off at me when I brought up the company's lack of quality control lol.

 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

He assumed that the cops would play by 'the rules,' i.e., good guys won't resort to lying just to win. 

I should also add that people like Dennis Rader always rely on people to follow 'the rules,' because it makes it easier for them to perpetrate their crimes. 

[Jibralta]

I reached out to him. I'll try to set up a conversation for sometime today. Not sure exactly what I want to say or ask, but I guess I'll just get down to brass tacks: What do you expect from me, how much are you paying me, when can I start, etc. Obviously presented with more tact.

 

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

So, I was telling this to Arnold, my boyfriend, and Arnold was like, "Yeah, Simon wants to make sure you're not playing by his rules. He wants you to play by your rules, to be accountable. He needs you to be accountable so that he can turn around and hold you to your word while he remains unaccountable." 

That was like an epiphany in my head. It's a power play.

I had a pretty sleepless night last night. It's funny, because at around 7PM, I felt exhausted. And after the day I'd just had, I wasn't surprised. I thought for sure I'd sleep like a rock. But my mind kept spinning, as often happens during times like this.

So, I got up and started posting around on here. When I was looking something up in my journal, I noticed this post from just over a week ago:

On 2/12/2021 at 12:26 PM, Jibralta said:

But with this company, doing the right thing and doing it well just makes me feel worse and worse. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be enough.

I'm just mystified and so delighted with this loophole that I've found: acting like a complete asshle somehow feels like enough.

And it just drives home Arnold's point so much more. No wonder I've felt this way. Simon has truly been using my work ethic against me. Deliberately ignoring and minimizing the value of every extra effort, and every extra hour that I put in.

He's onto something there. Somebody like me always tries to solve problems. The harder the problem, the harder I try. I feel a great sense of satisfaction when I succeed--a solved problem is its own reward. I don't actually know what to do when I can't solve a problem...

As an adult, in a professional setting, I don't think I've ever been in a situation where I've been totally powerless to solve a problem. The feeling is not pleasant. It kicks me into a weird kind of overdrive. It makes me try harder and harder in this blind, desperate sort of way, like I have no brain, only reactions.

I bet that Simon thinks that I'm desperate for his approval. How bizarre. He truly does not respect me. 

I know that I do tend to want to overachieve, but it's not because I give half a fck about him or anybody else. It's because it's my hobby. I simply enjoy the feeling of success. If he thinks that he can cash in on my little compulsion, and lead me around by it as he would lead a bull by its nose, I'll just adjust my coping mechanism. I'm not a fcking bovine.