I'm considering ending my relationship with my partner, but have nowhere else safe to go due to COVID

[cantalways]

I started a relationship with my current partner a little over 6 months ago online. It was online for a few months while she was on an extended trip. In October, she returned and we have been seeing each other since then.

She and I think similarly about COVID safety. The county in which we both live has become much more dangerous recently and I did not feel comfortable living at home with my family. As a result, my partner became increasingly concerned with seeing me.

To protect both herself and her elderly dad, she invited me to temporarily live at their house until the situation gets better. I agreed. Both she and I didn’t feel like we were ready. But I figured it would make us safer and it would give us a chance to see how we worked as a couple when living together.

After about three weeks of living with her, I feel as though we’re not going to work long term. I haven’t completely solidified this decision, but I’m pretty sure at this point.

Despite me not seeing a long-term future for us, I do genuinely enjoy being with her and her dad right now. I think we’re able to take care of each other well. We have good physical compatibility, and it’s comforting to have safe, in-person interaction during quarantine; prior to her coming home, I had only been able to see one friend a few times since March.

I’m usually pretty good about being forthcoming about my feelings and acting on them, i.e. if I decide that a relationship doesn’t have long-term potential for me, I try to end things ASAP.

But the situation is different this time. Worst case scenario: if I have this conversation and she, understandably, wants me to leave, then I have little choice but to return to my parents’ house and to be physically and, potentially mentally unsafe for months, not to mention lonely.

However, if I continue to not talk about the state of our relationship, then I feel very guilty. I haven’t necessarily lied to her about this topic because none of us have brought it up. But my lack of forthrightness still causes me a good deal of anxiety.

The middle ground is that she happens to feel the similarly to me and that we work something out from there. But, in case she doesn’t, I guess my main concern is: should I ensure my physical safety for the time being or be forthcoming about how I feel about the relationship?

TL;DR: I’m considering breaking up with my partner whom I live with, but I don’t want to risk my COVID-related physical and mental safety by returning to my family

[boltnrun]

Why are you physically unsafe at home?  Are your parents or family members engaging in unsafe behaviors regarding Covid?

You do need to be honest with your girlfriend.  Otherwise, wouldn't you be "using" her for a place to stay? Maybe offer to rent a spare room or couch in their home until you can get alternative housing arranged.

[Batya33]

Do the right thing which isn't the easy thing - see if you can rent a small studio somewhere until things get better covid-wise.

[cantalways]

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Why are you physically unsafe at home?  Are your parents or family members engaging in unsafe behaviors regarding Covid?

Yep, a couple of them are.

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see if you can rent a small studio somewhere until things get better covid-wise.

I don't have the funds to do this for the amount of time I believe that it will be unsafe to live at home. But maybe I could compromise and do it for a little while until hopefully things die down a bit.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, cantalways said:

Yep, a couple of them are.

I don't have the funds to do this for the amount of time I believe that it will be unsafe to live at home. But maybe I could compromise and do it for a little while until hopefully things die down a bit.

So you moved in with her for financial reasons too? So here's what I would do -do it for a little while, get another job or more hours at your current job -to cover rent.  Certainly you'd have to pay her to stay there.  Are you not contributing now to her expenses?

[cantalways]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So you moved in with her for financial reasons too? So here's what I would do -do it for a little while, get another job or more hours at your current job -to cover rent.  Certainly you'd have to pay her to stay there.  Are you not contributing now to her expenses?

She lives with her dad who pays for the rent. Part of the discussion when I began living there was helping with costs. We all agreed that it would be fine if I just helped with groceries.

So I do spend a little, but nothing compared to rent in my area which is expensive. More hours at my current job is not possible, unfortunately. Not even sure what a sidegig right now would look like...

[boltnrun]

You still need to tell her.  Offer to pay a fair rent since you aren't her partner any longer.  It doesn't have to be what you'd pay for your own place, but it will be awkward for you to remain so the money might help.  Let her know as soon as you are able you will arrange other housing.

And do it as soon as possible.  You can't continue to pretend.

[HeartGoesOn]

3 hours ago, cantalways said:

To protect both herself and her elderly dad, she invited me to temporarily live at their house until the situation gets better. I agreed. Both she and I didn’t feel like we were ready. But I figured it would make us safer and it would give us a chance to see how we worked as a couple when living together.

What were your plans prior to moving in with her if things were to head south?   After all, you've only known each other in person, for 3 mos, which was a risky move overall.

At this point you're more than likely better off by moving back with your family.  I'd do just that ASAP before they connect the dots, and ask you to leave.

[LootieTootie]

You should tell her the truth. She done you a service letting you live there for almost free of charge, least you can do is be honest with her.

Getting COVID is dangerous but moving in with someone you barely know is just as dangerous. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, cantalways said:

After about three weeks of living with her, I feel as though we’re not going to work long term.

I do genuinely enjoy being with her and her dad right now. 

What is it about her that makes you sense it won't work out?

Is she under the impression that your moving in was a step toward more commitment?

Unfortunately it seems your are coasting along for your own convenience.

There's zero reason you can't live at home. Stop using Covid as an excuse. You've only known her 24 weeks. Covid has been around almost a year.

Taking advantage of her and her father's kindness and generosity, while living lie is not sustainable.

You need to reflect on this relationship of convenience. 

If you're sexual active in her father's house and they are under the impression that things are committed, unfortunately you're living a lie.

Move back home, even if your parents make you pay your own way and expect more from you.

 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, cantalways said:

She lives with her dad who pays for the rent. Part of the discussion when I began living there was helping with costs. We all agreed that it would be fine if I just helped with groceries.

So I do spend a little, but nothing compared to rent in my area which is expensive. More hours at my current job is not possible, unfortunately. Not even sure what a sidegig right now would look like...

Time to adult I guess.  You don't get to hang around with someone pretending you're committed because it's financially more convenient.  I understand her father can afford the rent - and he's being extremely generous but I guess you'll have to move into a lower rent area for now and commute a little further.  I had long commutes when I was first starting out because I worked in high rent districts I couldn't afford to live in because of my salary.  Then I went to graduate school partly to increase my salary.  Other people get promoted and still others just live within their means.  The reason your girlfriend is being so generous is because she and her father believe your intentions are to be a couple.  That is not your intention anymore.

[Tinydance]

Trust me I know all about loneliness because I was stuck at home during COVID all alone for 6 months and my job got cancelled. I just about went nuts. I was seeing someone too but I also knew it wasn't going to work out and I ended it. It's not fair to just use somebody for your own personal gain. Imagine how terrible she'll feel when you end it when COVID improves. 

[cantalways]

My partner and I talked last night.

She detailed how quarantine and pressures related to her needs, duties, and obligations had been making her withdraw. I expressed how our I thought our connection and intimacy had been suffering.

I talked about how I wasn't sure about the long-term nature of the relationship and questioned much of that was due to our chemistry and compatibility as people or just the side effects of quarantine on the relationship.

She felt similarly and said she wasn't sure about our long-term compatibility either. But we both adamantly agreed that we want to be together right now for the foreseeable future and to have more frequent check-ins on this topic.

I completely understand the sentiment in this thread and was preparing to break things off. But I think perhaps the missing piece of info that led to the unanimous advice of "leave" in this thread is my partner's intention in having me move in. Usually both people should be secure in the relationship before moving in together (this is my first time moving in with someone, so I can't speak from experience). But I think we went down this route because it was either this or nothing. It's clear that she wasn't sure about our future either. But what is clear for now is that we make each other's lives better by being in them.

I've been reflecting recently on something my therapist imparted to me: "nothing's normal during quarantine." We are crazy for moving in so soon and it's certainly not ideal. But these are crazy times. I believe it's preferable to have someone with you to go through it together, as long as they agree to the terms of the relationship.

For those in a similar situation: instead of going down the standard route of breaking up, which, in normal times, I might have done, don't assume, be honest about your feelings and intentions, and see if they agree.

 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, cantalways said:

My partner and I talked last night.

She detailed how quarantine and pressures related to her needs, duties, and obligations had been making her withdraw. I expressed how our I thought our connection and intimacy had been suffering.

I talked about how I wasn't sure about the long-term nature of the relationship and questioned much of that was due to our chemistry and compatibility as people or just the side effects of quarantine on the relationship.

She felt similarly and said she wasn't sure about our long-term compatibility either. But we both adamantly agreed that we want to be together right now for the foreseeable future and to have more frequent check-ins on this topic.

I completely understand the sentiment in this thread and was preparing to break things off. But I think perhaps the missing piece of info that led to the unanimous advice of "leave" in this thread is my partner's intention in having me move in. Usually both people should be secure in the relationship before moving in together (this is my first time moving in with someone, so I can't speak from experience). But I think we went down this route because it was either this or nothing. It's clear that she wasn't sure about our future either. But what is clear for now is that we make each other's lives better by being in them.

I've been reflecting recently on something my therapist imparted to me: "nothing's normal during quarantine." We are crazy for moving in so soon and it's certainly not ideal. But these are crazy times. I believe it's preferable to have someone with you to go through it together, as long as they agree to the terms of the relationship.

For those in a similar situation: instead of going down the standard route of breaking up, which, in normal times, I might have done, don't assume, be honest about your feelings and intentions, and see if they agree.

 

I wasn't suggesting you break up.  I was suggesting you move out.  Because you were leading her on.  Now you're not leading her on.  She's not that into you either, she doesn't see a future, she is fine with the living arrangement -so it's all out in the open and you are not using her - she's an adult and if she wants to give you a free place to live as Mr. Right For Now totally her choice.  Also I'd either abstain from sex or double up on birth control since you're not seeing a future but you will have to -in some way -if you become a daddy.