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Feeling stuck and betrayed


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Hi Guys,


I really need some advice or at least a pep talk I'm really heart broken right now.


So my toxic aunty is my mothers sister she has always been the Bain of everyone in the family. She isn't married and has no kids she's 52 years old she's always the one to spark arguments, then cry victim.


Growing up she's always been very nasty to me. (my dad walked out on me and my mother when I was 1) she always use to tell me that I didn't belong in the family, that I'm a burden. Im 31 years old but as a kid I always felt alone in the family. I am an only child and had no cousins.

Me and my mother stoped speaking when I moved out 8 years ago - she suffered from post natal depression and then never dealt with her divorce so she was very abusive and violent towards me. I was raised by my grandmother mostly. At university I moved into one of my mothers properties (we never saw each other she worked in another town) my toxic aunty moved in as she needed somewhere to stay. During this time she would make up a lot of lies and tell my mother how I was selling my body, I was in debt - just make up so many lies. Because me and my mother don't know each other she would always believe her sister over me and just say 'your the child of the family' - toxic aunty would always say 'she's my sister first'


After I graduated I moved out and country and never spoke to my mother again. Toxic aunty would try her best efforts to turn the family against me - my mother retired and moved into that property with toxic aunty. My mother paid for everything it was like that was her daughter.


About 3 years ago my mother reached out and came to visit me - she apologised realised she was all wrong. We tried to build our relationship again but toxic aunty would always be there causing fights.


1 year ago my mother kicked her out of the house. for the past year me and my mother have been solid. It surprises me I have to pinch myself sometimes. I have always felt so alone and we talk about it now how her sister was 1 of the main reasons and my mother never had my back.


Toxic aunty she can't deal with this, she still tries her best with me. I flew into the UK before the pandemic to help my Grandfather move. Toxic aunty was free - in the 4 days we were away packing up a house she was vomiting the most evil nasty hurtful things to me - saying how I'm a loser, no one loves me, I'll never get married, my mother and grandmother hate me.


After this the lockdown happened luckily we had an excuse for her not to come over. I told my mother and grandmother. Unfortunately my flight got cancelled and I can't go home. In 6 weeks toxic aunty has been calling every day crying how alone she is, how she has no family, how she is sucidal.


1 week ago my mother felt so guilty (also my grandmother crying - my nan is old and loosing her marbles a little) so my mother gave in and said ok come over for lunch. She came over and within 15 minutes she had 'fallen' over the worlds tiniest step.So she can't move - it was the biggest drama ever. She wouldn't get off the floor, she wouldn't put an ice pack on, she wouldn't let us call the ambulance. It was just a draining dramatic situation. After 4 hours I call the ambulance as it was getting ridiculous. Everyone in the house was just feeling low on energy.


So obviously no one can go with her to the hospital and no one really knows what her diagnosis is. So she claims both ankles are fractured, they wanted to operate but didn't. They wanted to put both ankles in a cast but didn't because 'she lives by herself and needs to move around' so they sent her home with aspirin. She is now conveniently staying here. As her apartment has 6 flights of stairs and she really over does it with moving around.


So now my mother is up and down catering after her, she has made a list of demands of food, and activities but not offered any money its just ridiculous.


3 days after she got home from hospital she came downstairs and sat in the family room. We were all cleaning (my two little cousins also live with my mother) so all of us are dancing around the kitchen and laughing cleaning the kitchen.

I can just feel her energy and her tone that she's getting upset (which I don't understand because its all about the kids) She then starts a phone call to her friend and puts them on loud speaker and starts lying how she has no one looking after her and all alone has no family.


After her conversation she calls over my cousin who is 10 years old and says 'why are you giving me flithy looks?' My cousin did not give her flithy looks she doesn't even know what that is.

Toxic aunty begins to say 'what have I done to deserve such horrible looks' and we all knew where it was going (this is how she starts fights)


So I replied jokingly 'I think you're being paranoid' - she then started screaming, swearing at me 'calling me a loser, how everyone hates me, the family hate me.' (she was completely ready)

I immediately told my cousins to leave the room and go put a film on. She then continually started yelling abuse at me. My mother then got involved (but my mother can't argue she just swears and makes things unproductive)

I then said to her 'your a loser, your trying to start on a 10 year old - your a 52 year old women'


My grandmother then starts yelling at me 'that I'm a child - 31years old that I shouldn't speak to elders like this - I replied then she needs to behave like an adult'

Toxic aunty is ranting and raving calling me every name under the sun, me and my mother are now quiet - then she starts crying and sobbing. Before I walked out she said 'your mother hates you she can't even stand you she's waiting for you to fly back home'


My grandmother then starts saying how I'm in the wrong I should have never opened my mouth.


I spoke to my mother and said I am just sick of it - only 6weeks ago she was saying so much abuse to me - now she's 'fractured her foot' and she's saying evil things in what is MY mothers house which should be seen as my home. I said to my mother - I get when people fight we fight, but she's goes beyond the line and starts saying really hurtful things and lies. I explain I can't live with someone like this - I'm not use to it. The next day Toxic aunty is completely fine, she's got her iPad full blast, she's got her phone on loud speaker, screaming down demands to my mother from upstairs.


Like I can't escape her. I opened up to my mother and said I'm feeling hurt because she always gets away with saying nasty things to me and she is the reason why me and you never spoke for so many years. Honestly the way Toxic aunty gets away with the things she says its like she knows dirt on the family. Its crazy. My mothers motto is 'why get upset over a mental person?'

The next day my mother went to speak to her - she denied saying anything, said I attacked her which is a lie, so it became like 'your lying, no your lying, no your lying' Toxic aunty then said how my 10 year old cousin was being funny over text messaging and she wanted to confront her over it. My mother then came back and started telling my 10 year old cousin off. I jumped to her defence and said 'lets look at the texts first'

Toxic aunty had texted 'hi how are you' and my cousin replied with an emoji.

Toxic aunty ' Are you studying or watching tv?'

10 year old 'TV.'

TA 'Why are you putting full stop at the end?'

10 year old '.'

TA ' why are you treating me like this?'


I laughed out loud and said are you actually kidding me? Is this really valid? Its absolutely not on, and the fact you've told off a 10 year old for no reason is stupid. My other aunty who's kids it is use to always defend me against Toxic aunty growing up. She completely has my back in this situation but again isn't in the same country.


I understand TA 'can't walk' yet we've all caught her walking fine now to the toilet. I try to not let it get to me but she does the most to be extra loud, laugh, she suffers from insomnia so at 5 am she's waking the whole house up.


Today I said to my mother like I'm finding it really hard being at home - my grandad's property is empty in another town so I'm going to drive up there and stay there as I need a mental break. Like I'm really hurt and feel that you didn't really defend me. I feel when she came over and started interrogating the 10 year old its like TA won. I said like the disrespect has to stop. She should be grateful she's here, my mother makes fresh breakfast, lunch, dinner with snacks and smoothies. Constant coffee breaks.


My mother started saying how 'I shouldn't have spoken' I said I didn't even raise my voice, I didn't attack her. Then my mother's like your right you didn't.

I said I can't physically bear being here, I can't tolerate her voice, my grandmother won't even let me go for a walk 'as we have children and her at high risk' so I'm just in the house.

I said that I'm not use to being around such an evil person and to be honest until she's left and gone back to her home I don't want to come back. I am crying at this point.


My grandmother then starts crying at how selfish I am that TA has no-one and no where to go (she has her own house) - I tried to explain that's why I am removing myself because its upsetting me.

TA then manages to walk and says she'll leave tomorrow - my nan then starts crying and screaming (really over the top like dramatic) and starts saying am I happy look at all this hurt I've caused the family. I'm breaking up sisters. My mother then said 'This is my daughter I love my daughter its my house' Anyway no one was listening to each other 'TA starts screaming like a drowning cat, my grandmother is like crying and changing her voice to a scream'


I am just so fed up. This is why I left the family so long ago. Im very hurt that my grandmother doesn't have my back she lived with me for 7 years, I looked after her like a queen - she raised me we were so close and I see TA just playing the 'I'm not married, I live alone I have no children, my father hit me that one time in 1970' card with my grandmother and I'm just absolutely shocked.


I feel very trapped, like I can't go out I can't go home. I can go to my grandads tomorrow but I feel the drama TA did today the way she was screaming and the way my nan was crying like it was all very fake and over dramatic even my mother was like 'what are you both doing' - my mum suggested to my grandmother 'if your so concerned about TA why don't you go to her house and look after her there' then that turned into 'DONT KCIK MUM OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE'


Right now I'm in a weird space. I hate everyone, I'm not happy the way my mother had handled things, I feel very betrayed the way my grandmother is behaving over TA - TA has never even asked my grandmother if she was a cup of tea in her life like she constantly tells my nan off and attacks her.


To top it all off there's kids in the house. The drama they both did was disgusting in front of the children. Both children have said they was TA gone. But my grandmother is like she can't leave until she's 'healed' which for a fracture is 6 weeks?


I really don't know what to do.

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I completely kept a distance, even when she came over for lunch, I keep conversation to a minimal but she pokes. The reason why she was so ready to flip at me was because that morning I kept walking away. I also walk away like pretend I got a phone call, or I'm studying so I go upstairs, I start cooking I do chores. But when I knew where she was going with my cousin I couldn't help it. The problem is I don't want my cousin having the same dynamic with her (even her mother has said she doesn't want her sister around her children)


When I've kept a distance or kept quiet (for example were the whole family are watching a movie, I don't comment on whatever the convo is at time) she will pause the tv and start interrogating me. This then leads to a fight with my mother and the evening is ruined and it will be blamed on me 'why wasn't I speaking properly or acting funny'


I'm not use to it as normally I'll go out with friends or fly back home in a weeks time.


What do I do now honestly my flight back home looks like august.

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My advice is to do exactly as you plan to do: remove yourself from the situation. Go live elsewhere, at your Grandfather's residence if this is most convenient. Stay there until flights are again up and running and you can fly back to your country. If your mother and/or other family members question why you don't return, explain that you are unable to live in the same house as your aunt as the two of you simply cannot get along.

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Your cousins getting picked on triggered you into protective mode and you took it personally. I think it reminds you of how you were treated when you were little and that wound hasn't healed. Go back to square one and get to a centered, healing place. Close the door on the noise and start leveling things out, do that work on your own.


I don't think you did anything wrong regarding what you said or what you did to protect the kids from verbal abuse or attacks. But what you didn't do very well was learn to deflect and not allow her insults to affect you as badly as it did. That takes a whole lot of healing on your part and resolve. You knew going into this that she would be in the vicinity so anything would be bound to happen while you are visiting.


My best advice is to book a room at a hotel next time you visit or don't visit at all (don't stay with them). Start making better choices for yourself and limiting your time around your aunt. You cannot control how others behave but you can control your own proximity and reactions towards others.


Chin up. This isn't the end of the world. It was a blast from the wicked past and now you know what to do.

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Thanks Rose. Your right it did trigger me. I have let her really get to me. I've been stuck in the UK for nearly two months now and she's only been staying here for a week since 'her injury'. I shouldn't have let it get to me. I have been trying to keep to myself and stay in my room as I'm studying but she's so inconsiderate on noise levels.


I think the reason why I'm letting it get to me is because I'm away from my home and my friends my comfort. Its been so hard and my mother doesn't understand I need space. I thinks its just another unstable norm from her and TA which I don't want in my life or future.


I need to do some work on my grandad's property and no one is there so I will go stay there and it should keep me busy.

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