g/f has drug problem

[Sn0man]

I can't believe this. My g/f moved in with me recently. We have mutual friends who live upstairs. Twice in the last two weeks she hasn't come home at night, and I wake up to hear them still partying and drinking...and doing coke. I told her last time I wouldn't put up with it, yet she continues to do this knowing full well that I will give her the boot. She has nowhere else to go, and I love her, and want this relationship to work out, but I can't live like this. What the hell do I do?!

[arwen]

Hey sn0man,

 

I am so sorry to read this. You seemed so completely happy the last time you were here.

 

I have no personal experience with coke- but a close friend of mine has a boyfriend who had quite a habit- weed and coke.

 

I know she had a rough time- but it was easier because they don't live together. I think you should do as you say here- give her the boot for real if she does it the next time. You feel strongly against drugs- if she has such an urge to use them she 1. has issues that you probably don't know about (I don't believe in having a habit like coke but being mentally healthy at the same time, but that's my opinion ), and 2. you have a very different view on quite an important thing.

 

If I remember correctly, you haven't been together long before she moved in. I have the feeling that you are so crazy about her that she KNOWS she won't get the boot even if she continues doing drugs.

 

Because you love her too much. I think it's sometimes better to give some tough love- it might be an idea to really start packing her stuff. Even if it were only to show her you are SERIOUS about kicking her out if she doesn't change that.

 

It's really difficult

 

Sorry, man.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[avman]

I'm with Ilse, pack her stuff up to show her you aren't kidding. Then I'd try to get her in a rehab program if she'll agree to it. If she doesn't, there is little you can do. A person has to want help in order for it to be effective.

 

Don't let her guilt you into not acting by saying "I don't have anywhere else to go." She lived somewhere before she was with you, she's adult enough to find somewhere else to go.

[Mr Meh]

Whether the coke is a 'problem' or just recreational, obviously she doesn't seem to care about your feelings regarding her use of it. Sometimes an ultimatum has to be issued (and followed through). If she says "screw you, you can't tell me what to do" then obviously she desires to party more than be with you.

I don't agree with packing up her stuff as a threatening gesture; how many times can you do this?

I would just say "me or the party, your choice"; abrupt and to the point with no room for her to say "well if you had told me it would break us up I would have stopped."

I've been with a gambler and 'alcoholic' for 10 years and I'll tell you that all the yelling, threats and tears won't do any good against someone who has an addiction. Of course she's a wonderful person when she's not partying, right? If this is a fairly new relationship, spare yourself a world of grief and move on. You can't 'fix' her and it's not your job to.

[Sn0man]

Thank you all for the speedy replies. Yes ilse, it is a new relationship, and I thought it was going to be a good one. Not that it's bad; I just cant live with her problem. I see no reason to get falling down drunk all the time and do coke all night. Especially when she has to work today....last time she did this she skipped work alltogether, and the dinner party my parents invited her to. I was furious, and let her know it. I told her I wouldn't put up with this.

 

She came downstairs this morning (to my place), I wouldn't even look at her. She tried to hug me but I brushed her off. That felt awful, but I know I need her to know that I am mad, and serious about this.

 

Thanks again for the replies. I'll just have to weigh my options here, and decide what to do with her. I don't want to break it off with her, but it looks like I may have to

[michelemybell]

I agree with Ilse.

You say you're going to give her the boot, but she has never seen it for real.

I know it's really hard, but you might end up saving her life even if you end up losing her. She may see what she is losing and change her ways. Unfortunately you may have to stay away from her for a very long time so she can feel the effect of the loss and make decisions to change her life.

I have a friend who was married to a man she really loved but he was an alcoholic. She walked away from the relationship--and he became sober the day she left because he actually saw what his alcoholism was doing to his life and what he was losing. My friend decided to not return to him though because she was afraid he would revert back to his former ways. She ended up marrying someone else, but her ex still remains clean to this day.

I say give her the boot today. Walk away. You will probably save her in the process. If not, then at least you'll be saving yourself from an ultimately destructive person and relationship.

Take care. I know this has got to be tough on you.

Michele

[OceanEyes]

Coke is bad news - especially if she's doing it on a regular basis. With coke, after you do it a certain amount of times, starts getting right into your blood - and your head - to a point that you will do just about anything to get it. It could end up changing her personality as well. You'll know that it's getting out of hand when she starts asking for money or stealing your electronic equipment. It's no joke. I've seen what coke does over time and it destroys people, their lives, relationships, jobs, and especially the people that love them.

 

If this is a new relationship and you really care for this girl, give her only one option: me or coke. If she doesn't comply, I would seriously think about cutting your losses early and moving on.

[kenneth05]

I can't believe this. My g/f moved in with me recently. We have mutual friends who live upstairs. Twice in the last two weeks she hasn't come home at night, and I wake up to hear them still partying and drinking...and doing coke. I told her last time I wouldn't put up with it, yet she continues to do this knowing full well that I will give her the boot. She has nowhere else to go, and I love her, and want this relationship to work out, but I can't live like this. What the hell do I do?!

 

listen, you need to move on. she does have somewhere else to go, she can hang with her drug friends. she's chosen drugs over you. accept it, and find a new lady without so much baggage. best of luck.

[arwen]

I thought it was going to be a good one. Not that it's bad; I just cant live with her problem. I see no reason to get falling down drunk all the time and do coke all night. Especially when she has to work today....last time she did this she skipped work alltogether, and the dinner party my parents invited her to. I was furious, and let her know it. I told her I wouldn't put up with this.

 

Sn0man, I don't think a relationship that shows these kind of problems after such a short while has potential unless the BOTH of you really work on this. Sofar, it seems that YOU are the one that is bothered by this- she is just doing her thing and doesn't mind.

 

The following things in addition make the whole situation even more bothersome to me:

* she skipped work because of being intoxicated. There are many people who drink more than I do myself- but I know no one who'd actually skip duties for it. I think it indicates the gravity of the problem- that someone cares so little about things that they don't get themselves together to go to work when they have to.

* she skipped a dinnerparty- which was important for you I assume.

 

All of this is really selfabsorbed and with no regard for others (most importantly YOU), which again is a sign that it's not just a habit.

 

I hate to say it this bluntly, because I was so happy for you, I would really regret it to see you go through an endless back and forth with her because she has a habit.

 

Ilse.

[OceanEyes]

All of this is really selfabsorbed and with no regard for others (most importantly YOU), which again is a sign that it's not just a habit.

 

This is true, but is a common bi-product of an addiction to a hard drug. I know plenty of people who smoke weed and still maintain their responsibilities. Cocaine is different. My brother went from being a mild-mannered father of two, a good father, to taking WEEKS off work for drug binges, abusing his kids, and caring little or nothing for anyone or anything but his next fix.

 

Certain drugs can be taken occasionally and enjoyed. I'm not trying to preach that "drugs are bad" (I'd be a hypocrite). What I am saying, is that if your girlfriend is doing coke a couple of times a week, prepare for some hard times to come. It's not worth trying to help someone who doesn't want it - I've been down that road for the past 10 years with my brother. If someone doesn't want help or doesn't see a problem, they will not listen.

[DN]

I agree that you should treat this very seriously - you have to protect yourself. But I also agree with avman in trying to get her into rehab. She may not agree, but you will have done the right thing if you try.

[RayKay]

Sorry to hear about this, I know how excited you were last time you posted about her - had you not asked her to marry you as well?

 

As others have pointed out, this sounds like it goes beyond recreation and into addiction. She is not only inconsiderate about your feelings, but also missing work and slacking on responsibilities - I mean she does not even come home at night, that in my opinion would be a dealbreaker unless she was on a business trip or something!

 

It would appear that she is not quite whom she presented herself to be, and I would advise that unless she seems willing to work on the issue (ie quit and go into rehab or addiction counselling) then you pack her bags and show her the door. Last time you told her you would not put up with it...and she continues to do it as you say "knowing full well that I will give her the boot" but thats just it...you are NOT giving her the boot! You need to be serious about this. She is taking advantage of you.

 

You may love her, but I think you are more in love with whom you thought she was then the real her. Coke is not a mild addiction (unless you are talking about the Cola kind!) and will cause serious problems with her mental state as well as I am sure she has many mental issues...I rarely know of happy, healthy adjusted people who risk their brains and lives in exhange to snort some coke.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work and right now she is being plain disrespectful of you and your commitment quite frankly, and that is not a problem that is just going to go away with you working on it - its her problem too, and SHE needs to deal with it. And SHE can find another place to go (what about back home?) - do NOT stay with her just because she has no where else to go.

 

Do not be the knight in shining armour that stays with her as you feel you can save her from distress. People can only change themselves when they want to...don't get trapped in a cycle where you are walked on, lied to and manipulated. Walk away, as this will destroy herself, you and and your life in the process. You must stick to your "ultimatum" when it comes to this situation.

[Spirits Away]

Does anyone know whether breaking it off first then take her to rehab centre to be the better choice or vice versa?

 

That may be an important factor. Perhaps you should phone rehab centre and ask them for guidence than a process of "decision" then bring her to rehab centre. I'm sure they're both pharmaceutically and psychologically professional at handling patience as well as the guardian. (not speaking from experience, but i think that should be how it is)

[Sn0man]

Well, I guessw I'll make that my EX GF has a fn drug problem. I just got home from work and she's shipped out. I left her a note this morning saying "shape up or ship out"...when I got home there was a note on my bed saying "'EX' has shipped out" "buh-bye". I could KILL right now.

 

MURDER MURDER MURDER

 

0X

[Sn0man]

PANTERA IS MY FRIEND RIGHT NOW.

[avman]

To be perfectly honest, I think you'll eventually see this as a GOOD thing. She's just done you a favor by walking out. Do you really want to have to compete with cocaine for her affection?

 

Come on, you are way better than that. She's somebody else's problem now.

[Sn0man]

I think you're probably right avman, but right now i'm furious, confused, angry, sad, depressed, raging, and getting f'n hammered. I'm feeling a little hostile tonight. I lost my fiance to cocaine. She chose drugs over me. I am VERY ANGRY.

[avman]

I can understand that. A little anger can be a healthy thing sometimes. Just please don't do anything you'll regret. And take care of yourself tonight. Maybe a friend should come over for the night.

[Sn0man]

I'm all over the phone tonight. There's no way i'm staying home alone tonight. To make matters worse, she's upstairs right now. Called my note to her "childish". You should'lve heard me yelling at her. I didn't know I could do that. She didn't stick around long though. As soon as I started yelling at her and pointing out why I was mad she left again. Why did I get mixed up with this girl? Am I an idiot? Jesus....

 

I am definitely calling the girls tonight. I'll get the whole crowd over here and drive her nuts. Treat me like that will ya? Talk to me like i'm childish hey Bring it on you coke addict baby little 29 yr old fool.

[avman]

You're not an idiot. You didn't know. Things looked good on the surface. Then you found out what the "real" her was like. Don't feel a bit bad about it. This happens. You're going to be just fine. You don't need her around messing up your life.

[DN]

I completely understand about being mad and feeling as if she made a fool of you, but she is really only making a fool of herself.

 

it is amazing how people will call someone, especially a partner, "childish' or 'immature' because they get caught doing something childish and immature - like leaving a good guy because of drugs.

 

You are well out of this one.

 

She may want to come back - druggies are often unstable like that. Be prepared for what you want to say and do if she does.

[Sn0man]

I am afraid I may be weak if she tries to come back. What should I do? Say? I know she'll be back when she sobers up, but I AM sober, and dealing with her cocaine high and alcoholic side. When she tries to apologise, which she will, I'm sure i'll fall apart. What do I do?

[Sn0man]

Sorry I keep posting my own replies, but im in bad shape right now. I know she's upstairs. I can HEAR her talking for christs sake. I'm going mental. Im sucking back far too many beers, but they help me feel a little better tonight.

 

I'm so lost. I lost everything tonight/today. I thought I had this great wonderful girl who wanted to marry me and live 'happily ever after' with me. Today I find out that I have been living a falsehood. I'm shattered.

 

I want to thank you all for your advice...avman, RayKay, Ilse, DN, Oceaneyes...all of you....thanks. This is why I keep coming back here; because you all can see far more than I can in an unbiased perspective.

 

Thank you all. I need your prayres tonight, because i'm going to lose it.

 

0X

[arwen]

Sorry I keep posting my own replies, but im in bad shape right now. I know she's upstairs. I can HEAR her talking for christs sake. I'm going mental. Im sucking back far too many beers, but they help me feel a little better tonight.

 

I'm so lost. I lost everything tonight/today. I thought I had this great wonderful girl who wanted to marry me and live 'happily ever after' with me. Today I find out that I have been living a falsehood. I'm shattered.

 

I want to thank you all for your advice...avman, RayKay, Ilse, DN, Oceaneyes...all of you....thanks. This is why I keep coming back here; because you all can see far more than I can in an unbiased perspective.

 

Thank you all. I need your prayres tonight, because i'm going to lose it.

 

0X

 

Hey dude,

 

I hope you will see things in a more positive light in the morning- things tend to look less hopeless in the daylight.

 

I think it is true what DN says. People who will call you childish, are probably aware of you being right. It's a sign of weakness. Feel proud of what you did- you stood up for yourself and had every reason to.

 

She obviously is really tight up to the cocain- I think it's better you know now than when you'd already be married.

 

I know you feel terrible and want to numb yourself. Please take care of yourself. After what you saw with her and the cocain- try to keep the drinking under control.

 

I had a friend who did cocain. The story seems really similar. She went to rehab, and on the night before that she took all drugs she could find. She was a housemate of my ex, the one moment she'd act I was her best friend, hugging me, telling me stuff. The next I wouldn't exist.

 

It's not about you, Sn0man. You couldn't have known this. I don't think she did this purposely either- in the interaction with people who are (becoming) dependent on drugs you never know if it's the drugs/addiction talking or the person. In that respect it's quite scary.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[DN]

The problem with people like this is that it seems as if they are two or more people wrapped up in one.

 

In reality, what they are is one person wrapped up in themselves. Sometimes because they are intrinsically like that, sometimes because the drugs warp their true personality, sometimes both. Whichever the case, it is bad news for someone who falls in love with them.

 

For you this must seem like a whirlwind romance in reverse. And you have my sympathy. It's bad enough when you lose someone to another person - to lose them to a drug is worse. But, as Ilse says, it is not about you really, it is about the drug.

 

I hope you get over all this really soon.