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The Ruminant’s Almanac


hidden_kitten
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I’ve not been very good at journaling this year!

 

I’ve been dating someone for almost a year - we met last December. I do wonder if we’ll make it into the new year due to a few issues. He’s a single dad, first one I’ve ever dated, and I’ve spent a bit of time with his son but he has behavioural issues at home so not sure how I would handle this if I become step-mum. There’s also the topic of if I want my own child - I’m still not made up and honestly I don’t think he wants another one.

 

He (my boyfriend) is currently living with his dad saving money and helping out (dad is registered disabled but mobile for short periods). The dad is also going deaf and I don’t click with his sense of humour so I find any time visiting really testing trying to hold a normal conversation with him. I also have been living with my parents while I look for a full time job and now appreciate how much space they give me and boyf when he visits!

 

I have one close friend in this town who I have known since school - and she’s been driving me nuts lately. I think we’ve grown apart and don’t relate on the same level anymore. I even hate texting her to organise anything - all I get are “ok” as responses and that on it’s own does my head in!

 

And on the subject of work - I had two part time jobs in this town but one has now finished due to being a fixed term contract on a small team. The idea was to use that as a CV filler to move onto something else but I’ve been lazy of late applying to jobs. On the plus side I have noticed more ‘interesting’ roles being advertised which gets my hopes up.

 

In the meantime I have a part time job in retail. Half of my department is off sick so there’s a lot of overtime going but it’s been frustrating with a rubbish new manager who isn’t on top of anything. I’m supposed to get a weeks notice of shifts with 24 hrs notice being the exception but lately every week my shifts have only been confirmed the day before or I get a message begging me to work the next day.

 

This doesn’t seem like a very positive opening post, want it all off my chest before the year end haha!

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  • 1 year later...

Ha, I was rubbish at journaling in 2020 as well! Here’s another try. 

I’m feeling sorry for myself, the relationship mentioned in my first post  ended this weekend. Both of us haven’t been in a great place with the stress of lockdowns, furloughs, homeschooling etc etc etc!

For three months I only saw him through video calls during the first lockdown, then been trying to see each other every weekend. He’s very prone to anxiety and depression, and is on medication for it, but was signed off work for most of January.

There’s lots of things on paper (like my previous post) that should be very freeing that I won’t have to deal with anymore, but this still really hurts. I will definitely miss him, and had next weekend all mapped out of how I was going to spoil him after his week at work, walks we were going to take but now I won’t get to do any of that. Wish I hadn’t kept putting that off so at least I would have a nice last memory of the relationship.

Yes, all selfish stuff that would not be fair on either of us dragging it out if he wasn’t genuinely happy.

God this doesn’t get any easier does it.

 

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Thanks guys.

Didn’t sleep much last night, and was scheduled to go into the work today (can’t do all my duties from home) so was close to calling out. Glad I went in though. Boss was snowed in so ended up just working on another project to distract me for a couple of hours then came home and caught up on sleep.

I’ve been ok otherwise, I just hate the ongoing uncertainty of everything so being single again won’t help.

On the plus side, I left the retail job for a FT role at the arts centre I had volunteered/worked PT at. Managed a week of work getting barely trained on my new job functions when the March lockdown was announced and we had to close. Luckily I was able to furloughed until August and we’ve opened up in varying capacities since.

I’m very grateful that my family and friends have been safe so far, Dad has had his first vaccine dose too, but it’s been so hard staring at the same four walls and not being able to see my sister or nephew properly, and just generally having a life!

Small mercy: my dating app log in still works!

Giving myself a free pass this week to wallow and not achieve much.

 

 

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Still bad snow so in-office work has been postponed until next week. There’s things I could carry on working on at home but putting off until tomorrow. Mucked around on photoshop instead.

Looking around on dating apps, yes it’s stupidly early but desperately need some distraction. No idea how dating would actually work right now - video dates? No thanks! 
 

Getting on top of decluttering, boxes and boxes of junk to go through! I’m way too sentimental and hold onto everything.

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I’m struggling today. Stupidly let friendships slide during my relationship and now I don’t know how to approach them to reconnect. Ok, yes, I know sending a message would be the first step but there’s no guarantee they’ll answer and I need something in real time. Napped for two hours just to make the day pass quicker. Hate this hate this hate this.

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Messaged a friend who responded later on at night. I didn’t tell her about the split yet, but I might call her at the weekend for a longer chat.

Trying to resist the urge of messaging ex. I hate even calling him that. No idea what I even want to say, because I’ve done the pleading a million times before during break ups and it never works.

Although I seem to superficially be taking this better than previous splits, the rejection is still there and I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. And why the men I date never seem to want to work things out together or communicate properly- the first I hear that there’s problems on their side is when they’re already checked out and wanting to break up. So anything I do to improve things is just desperation and pushes them away further.

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1 hour ago, hidden_kitten said:

I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. And why the men I date never seem to want to work things out together or communicate properly- the first I hear that there’s problems on their side is when they’re already checked out and wanting to break up. So anything I do to improve things is just desperation and pushes them away further.

I hope you realize that it's not necessarily you. Not saying you're perfect, but it is very common for people to blame other people for the problems they are having. Then they align everything in their perception to reinforce that belief. When that happens, that's pretty much it for you. And it sucks.

You have to remind yourself that every problem is fixable. Some people don't want to fix problems because it means they have to acknowledge their own failings. And they don't want to do that. I know it's crazy-making, but sometimes you just have to walk away and let them have their fantasy. Ultimately, that is the best choice for you anyway. It will free you up to find someone who is willing to do the work.

Edited by Jibralta
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Thank Jibralta - when we last met I asked him to please carry on with looking after his mental health, but he says that he’s probably left it too late and that he’s broken. He’d be keeping me prisoner bla bla bla.

Before the lockdowns we were talking about moving in together and he brought it up again just a few weeks ago....but a part of me could tell his heart wasn’t all in it. Thank goodness we didn’t start the mortgage application process!

I now have £20k in savings that was to go towards the deposit...I guess I should look at places on my own but unfortunately it narrows the choice down with just me buying. I don’t want flatmates. Trying to decide where to store in the meantime but interest rates are terrible and I’m nervous that I lock it away I’ll suddenly need access to it.

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14 minutes ago, hidden_kitten said:

Thank goodness we didn’t start the mortgage application process!

I now have £20k in savings that was to go towards the deposit...I guess I should look at places on my own but unfortunately it narrows the choice down with just me buying. I don’t want flatmates.

Yes you are lucky you didn't get a mortgage together....

It's always better to buy property solely in your name even if it's smaller (unless you are married for years etc etc). You don't want drama when it comes to serious life decisions.

 

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2 hours ago, hidden_kitten said:

Trying to decide where to store in the meantime but interest rates are terrible and I’m nervous that I lock it away I’ll suddenly need access to it.

Yeah, here the real estate market is way up. Good for sellers. Not so much for buyers.

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Today was another really unproductive day...I’ve been back on antidepressants for a week, completely unrelated to the split but hope they’ll keep me on an even keel. Couldn’t face doing anything or going out though. Horrible heavy feeling in my chest...thought I’d manage to escape that bit. I hope things open up again next month so I can distract myself somehow.

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Heard nothing from his side. There’s a bunch of my stuff I was keeping at his, some has sentimental value that I want back. Yes I could replace it but I feel...resentment? Anger?...that I have to fork out money to buy new things because of a decision he made. Will have to organise collecting them. I’m thinking of getting him to bag it all up so it’s ready to just pick up from his door or he can leave it outside mine. Even though I don’t want this to be the end, I don’t want to see him.

Got a couple of messages from guys online...it’s feeling more like a chore. I remember before I met the ex, I had a couple of threads going with guys and there was no pressure, just silly chat back and forth which was fun. Would like to fast forward and be in a place like that again.

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I’m angry now....thinking of all the times he said that he loved me...why lie to me, string me along and why the h*ll do I keep falling for these losers. Wishing right now that I could be content with flings/hook ups...although I don’t have the nerve to go out and find something like that.

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8 hours ago, hidden_kitten said:

Wishing right now that I could be content with flings/hook ups

Yeah, but you're not that way. And when all of the break-up chaos clears your mind, you'll be glad that you aren't. 

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I caved and messaged him about returning my things. I was worried I would have to drive to his but he’s bringing them down at some point. Anger got the better of me and my last message wasn’t a good one. It’s childish but I want him to hurt as much as I am. So in all a really rubbish Valentine’s Day.

Some matches in the dating app but no energy to strike up conversation. It’s the one where women send the first message but there’s a time limit so I guess I will let them lapse.

How did it take TWO YEARS for him to realise that he didn’t love me? This is a guy who’s been married and had several long term relationships, and thought it was ok to lead me on like that? I hope I get better at choosing men that actually say what they mean but no idea how to not get swept up in it all. 
 

 

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Work has been postponed for another week due to an immediate crisis that my boss needs to deal with. Won’t describe it incase it identifies me, but please can the universe stop throwing all these curveballs. Do not envy my boss and admire how she keeps it together, don’t think I could do her job! 

The good news is that there’s time to fix it while we’re still closed to the public - but the bad news is that we’re still closed to the public and are unlikely to even open up next month. Really dragging on.

I need to lose weight. I basically live half way up a hill and the road continues into farmland/forest - I have no excuse to not be up there every week! New goal.

 

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Not doing well. I’m up until 4am nowadays and today didn’t leave my room until about 2pm. This lockdown is so much worse than the last. 
 

Don’t want to let go of him. Nearly deleted all my photos of him but have just hidden the folder away on my laptop. Will maybe order some external storage to move stuff onto. I’m so bad at digital housekeeping.

I rarely wear jewellery, but if there’s a piece that I’m gifted and has sentimental value then I’m more likely to wear it/look after it. For my birthday....last year I think?? He went out on a limb and ordered a brooch that he thought I would like. Then it was broken accidentally before being able to wrap it up so I never got to see it. He sent it back to the jeweller in the hope it could be mended but no luck. I asked if I could at least know the jeweller’s name so I could browse the other pieces...but he never told me because he had wanted it to be a surprise and might buy something else in the future for me. 
 

I’m really curious now to find out what the piece was/who the maker is, however will leave it a while before I ask. Still too raw from our exchange on Sunday.

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On 2/15/2021 at 2:52 PM, hidden_kitten said:

How did it take TWO YEARS for him to realise that he didn’t love me? This is a guy who’s been married and had several long term relationships, and thought it was ok to lead me on like that? 

I don't think his past indicates he is more "reliable" because he had long term relationships...he had several anyway...

Did he wake up one day realizing he was not in love with you all this time? If this is the case, the answer is simple. When you first met he just wanted a relationship but not a relationship which would lead somewhere. Maybe he did it subliminally and it was not intentional. Now, this does not matter as what we actually do is what matters, not the intentions behind our deeds, so yes he played you. 

You can never know what other people really think or feel. It's always a gamble. I would say a good way to screen people is to observe how honest they are with themselves. At least this is what I do. 

Give it some time, exercise religiously if possible, invest some time in your art projects... during the past two years you made changes, you got the job you wanted, you improved yourself, you know the drill now 🙂

 

 

Edited by dias
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On 2/17/2021 at 7:29 PM, dias said:

Did he wake up one day realizing he was not in love with you all this time? If this is the case, the answer is simple. When you first met he just wanted a relationship but not a relationship which would lead somewhere.

Thanks Dias, that's what it feels like anyway. I wonder if he's just trying to replace what he lost with his other ex's, there was an odd comment a few weeks ago where he had found out that the woman he dated before me was now engaged, on the same date that he separated from his ex-wife 7 years ago. Unfortunately I was the one who fell for it. Hope I can screen out people like this sooner in the future.

My goals are trying to do well at work and get healthier. I'm an introvert who ended up in an extrovert's job, it's been a daily battle talking myself out of quitting, so I'm giving it a year for the industry to recover then start looking for something more appropriate.

 

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Help, I never frickin learn. He messaged to say that he will send me a list of the stuff I left at his to check that he found everything . I then tried ringing back but he didn't pick up. Messaged him thank you and that I missed him.

I feel any interaction we have I'm just going to come off as pathetic, but then if I cut him out completely that shuts the door forever and that's not what I want either. I just wish he felt the same/would try to work it out. I supported him through a lot in the last year but the minute I need him he bails. Or get me an effin off switch, how come I have to hurt and he doesn't.

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More drawn out messages. He's no longer bringing down my stuff and will post them instead. He wants to be friends at some point but don't know how I can be to someone who says that he made himself ill trying to decide if to leave me or not. Great confidence booster there thanks!

Having the usual thoughts that I'll never be in love again and that any future attempt is pointless if I'm just going to be led on/lied to. Why put any effort into any relationship when they can drop it all at any moment.

Parents have been married almost 40 years - I don't think I'll ever find that and no man I've met seems to understand how to do the work.

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