I think it is time for me to write a goodbye note

[scottsyb]

Hello Lightn,

Well the week end is gone and another week starts and I hope you had a better week end this last week end. What did you do? I was thinking of you this week end and I was wondering if you cannot get a part time job as a waiter in a restuarant or something, by the way, how old are you?

I tried all the pubs and restuarants in my area and eventually got a job as a bar lady just down the road, but walking home at 1 or 2a.m. in the morning was a very risky thing for a woman in my area. We have a very high crime rate in South Africa, but I also did not care at that time if I would be murdered. I only did it for about three months, but it helped.

I moved to a new area to a place of my own and so far I am loving it. The only hassel is trying to get all my stuff back as I was staying with friends and I have stored my boxes all over the place. This is still the result of being without a job for so long, but I am glad to say that I am now getting back on my feet. I still have huge debts, but I will start paying back a little every month to everyone that I have to.

Please let me know how you are feeling this Monday morning and remember that you were put onto this planet for a reason and maybe you have to go through what you are going through to make you understand how complicated life can be and perhaps having to go through all of this, it will give you the understanding to help others. The more you try and hide from the world the less people will see you, so how can you achieve anything when you are hiding. I got my job through a person I did not know, but I was in the right place at the right time. You have to really push yourself now to be in different places all the time and get your CV out to everyone. What do you do for a living and where do you stay?

OK Lightn, I have to run now as my boss has just walked in, but I promise to chat to you later.

Have a great day!

[lightn]

scottsyb:

 

Well it has been rough but I am working as a temp job which helps and getting paid every week but it is still not the salary I want but it is still rough with my debts. I know I have to move in August if I am around is the question. Again I do want the insurance job but it seems that noone is calling. As for being a waiter, people have told me that but I even tried to get a part time job and no one is calling. FOr me to get a waiter job I never have done that before and even though I don;t look like my age well it still would feel odd for me.

 

My feeling of hopeless has kinda stopped but not all the way because I want to travel and make money but again how can I do all of this when your broke and feel all alone.

 

I know the crying will come again but still feel that there is no hope at the end of the tunnel. Even my old job is doing an appeal for unemployment benefits because they don;t want to pay even though I did get some unemployment. Well I am going to be writing a letter to the banking and finance so the company will be investigated for some things they did on the mortgage loans and possible fraud. I feel it is going to come back and haunt them and possible shut the down the place but who knows.

 

I did hear that my ex is still looking depressed and probably wondering what happened with me since it will be almost two weeks in not seeing me but you would think if she is depressed why if she has a possible new guy but then again it is probably not working out.

 

I just don;t know anymore. I have heard people tell me that I am here on this planet for a reason, but then again why the down and rough spot I am going thru. IT should not be that way.

[kazman32]

I've been there,I'm bi-polar and the last few years I have struggled with severe depression.My father was the same and commited suicide when I was young.To say my life has been hell is an understatment,after losing my girlfriend of 7 years (and my best friend in the whole world)she could't take living with me anymore.I was miserable and not on my meds.After I found out she was seeing someone else.well that was it for me when day came I was going to go to a wooded area where I used to play as a child and hang myself,I was done no more pain no more heartbreak I just wanted it to be over I wasn't scared of death anymore,I welcomed it's dark silent embrace.But then I asked myself why had all this happened to me and I realized though I have this disorder I let it rule my life.It wasn't fair I had it but life isn't fair.I began to pray and I truly feel god touched my life.That was a few months ago I am now on a fraction of the meds I used to be on am in counsiling weekely and exercising and eating right again,my whole outllok has changed for the first time in I don't know how many years I am happy to be alive.My ex can't believe the changes in me,we spend time as friends and though I would like to get back with her,I know if it dosn't happen I will go on with my life and be happy.I know all of this dosn't really pertain to you,just trying to point out I have been as low as a person can go(I was an absolute mess!)but things have gotten better.suicide is a permanent solutin to a temporary problem,stay strong there are pepole who care here!I pray for you and hope that things will turn around soon for you,they will we just don't know when.Please take care of yourself!

[lightn]

kazman32:

 

Thanks for your story. I appreciate it. As for you going into the woods I hang around a lake where it relaxes me and would like to stay all night and just jump in and drown since I cannot swim, with my luck I will not drown and know how to swim. This is where me and the ex hanged out.

 

You said it got better which I have been praying but it seems it is not coming fast enough. Right now I just cannot think about the ex but she does come in my mind because even if I am with someone I am no good to anyone because my financial status and of course my temp job.

 

With getting this bad, I am even cutting down on eating at home and I feel like I am a charity case it seems.

 

Even if I get myself together and since I disappeared from my job where I used to work and my ex work, I feel that she does come back, I would look like a mess.

 

Is there hope. I don;t know. My mind at times races and time I am ok but still feel like a black hole and want to end it all. I have not even worked out in 2 months which to me is bad. I have lost alot of weight and it is noticeable and losing some of the muscle.

 

Being financial weak and a temp job only makes a low self esteem on a person. Even though I got the temp job sure it is making money but again bills to pay and how long can a person handle it. HOw long before my mind says I am not worth it, when I am gone it will be better, who cares, they will not miss me. I have the same saying everybody will be hurt, not if I explain in the letter personally to everyone why I did it. Sure it will make me look like a coward but hey won;t have to deal with life anymore and won;t be debt and be free of the pain. How much more pain can a person take?

[kazman32]

I truly feel for you I do! I have asked myself the exact same thing..God how much more pain must I endure?I pray for strength gudiance and most of all patience!I am very impatient,but through counsiling and my meds I am doing better.The journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.think of each day as a step..I know its not easy,but you do get stronger!And you will have bad days,but resolve to fight through!Look inside for your hidden strength,you will find it ,let it guide you,and move you onwards and upwards I am praying for you friend.All my best.

[FreedomMadness]

Hi there,

 

I have just read you message and it is so sad that you feel this way. Suicide is not the answer. I know that you are thinking ive heard this all before you dont understand what im feeling or going through. But there is help out there you just have to find it, instead of worrying about all the things that are going wrong, look at the things you can fix and turn them around. You can do if you really want to. There are loads of places you can go to to talk about your worries and the people there will help you through this. For the debt, dont worry about it, if you speak to these people, they will show you how to get yourself out of debt, you have several options. One of the options is by explaining you circumstances, you can reduce your debt amount you payout. There is places out there that deal with that and will do all the phone calls for you and get the companys to reduce the amount of money.

 

For having no job, you must not worry about that either loads of people are out there with no job, go to the job centre and they will sort you out for money, if you have had a previous job then you have paid enough national insurance so you are intitled to that money from them, lots of people survive on that amount so if they can do so can you.. Have you ever tried voluntering work? you would get so much out of this by helping other people, and on many occasion you can get full employment from it. Another option you have is when your filling a application form for a job why dont you miss out a couple of qualitfications that you have, so you dont look to over qualified.

 

Im sorry but suicide is not the answer, if you took your own life the ones that love and care for you would suffer the most, would you want them to feel that pain. I know you wouldnt. You have to try and try, there is life out there you jsut have to grab it any way you can. Go speak to a debt counsellor and visit the jobcentre and get money from them.

 

I hope ive helped, try not to let this get to you.

 

All the best.

[lightn]

Freedom&Madness:

 

Thanks for your response but however I am already in debt management. OK the problem is I am broke. I barley have any money and just barley surviving. Yes the temp job helps but it does not help with your self esteem.

 

As for talking to a counselor well it is not fesiable when you don;t have any insurance etc. IT stinks and I hate it.

 

Yes you have helped but I already knew some of the answers but still life is still a black hole to me.

[scottsyb]

Good Morning Lightn,

We had an amaizing program on TV last night. It was all about Bi-polar. They also interviewed people who suffer from this disease. This is a very serious illness if not controlled with drugs. The symptoms vary in different patiens. Some have extreme highs and drop suddenly into deep depression and others drop into this pit of depression and cannot come out of it. They interviewed a man who has been bi-polar for 42 years, but was only diagnosed correctly eight years ago and put onto medication that has changed his life. His family went through hell with him and said that with the correct medication he has become human again. He tried so many times to commit suicide, but his family were able to get help in time. He is in his late 60's now and said that he has lost more than half of his life because of wrong diagnosis. Only now in the last eight years has he been able live a normal life and do a full time job in his furniture factory. This is a very serious disease, as bad as cancer, so it must not be left untreated. Please lightn, you have to some how get help. Beg or borrow, but you have to see some one who can help you.

We all care about you, but it is up to you now. Have a great day!

[lightn]

scottsyb:

 

Ok first of all I really know that I am not Bi-poplar. I know I suffer from depression and that is it.

 

Again right now for me getting help, and no money I cannot and will not beg. That is not my style.

 

I am kinda wondering why you bought up the bi-poplar?

 

Just because I am feeling low and everybody has a low point.

 

As of this morning I woke up and I hate looking at my life. I don;t like it and it stinks.

[mgirl]

Hi lightn,

 

Maybe stop looking at it then . Just kind of ignore it like it doesn't exist. Things are only as big as you make them out to be, so if you ignore your problems, maybe it will seem like they've gone away. Problems are like a pimple. The more you think of them, the more they fill up with pus. If you stop thinking about them, they will go away, or seem like it. Think of it this way... thinking of them is not going to make them any better or any worse, so why think about them?

 

You are working and are in debt management, so just keep paying the minimum payment each week. In the meantime, think about things that will make you feel better, such as how you can get a better quality of life, like more sleep or some exercise, which will raise your endorphin levels.

[lightn]

mgirl:

 

Yes that is good advice on problems is like a pimple. It is hard not to think about it when everyday you wake up and you feel another day to fight this. It is just not easy.

 

How is getting ahead in money make it simple. It is not. I have bills to pay. HOw is the temp job going to help when it is only temp. Sure I coud get hired from the company or I could get fired. The weekends is tough, so it is not easy to think about it when the weekends do come.

 

As for working out I have no energy in doing it for the past 2 months. It just seems like I have some hope but then I look at the big picture it is not going to get any better.

[CrystalDawn]

If you want someone to talk to look for free mental health clincs as for money. I'm sorry your haveing trouble there. Have you tried placeing yourself on a buget to fit everything in better so you know exactly what's what. Sometimes that helps alot. I know it's hard but do keep going and comeing here there's bound to be someone that can really help you and I'm sorry I'm not much help. I wish I could be more help. Take care and remember things will get better it'll just take time.

[lightn]

CrystalDawn:

 

Thank you for your response but again I have done everything. Me going to a free mental health clinic will not be free since I am working with a temp agencies.

 

Yes, I am late on almost everything and I hate being late on things. By my credit is ruined it seems that I am just worthless and other people look at you like you are nothing and also treated you as a bad debtor.

 

Just by saying all of this I am in tears and now with the weekend approaching again, what is the use of being alive. I barley talk to people anymore and just withdrawin from everybody.

 

I am thinking to start writing more letters to my friends in explaning everything why I am doing this and they will understand.

 

I even pray to God and nothing is turning around. The only thing right now is the job but that is just temporary.

 

I just cannot take it anymore.

[GettingOverIt]

This may sound irresponsible, but if your credit is already ruined, then why bother paying off those debts? Seriously. Use the money you get to take care the essential bills, and use the rest for you. The worst thing financially that could happen is what? Bankruptcy? Well, if your credit is already shot to heck, then who cares - file for bankruptcy or wait until it comes beating down your door....

 

Have you looked into banruptcy? It can't urt your credit any worse than it already is, from what you've said...

[lightn]

Gettingoverit:

 

Well I have to pay some bills like phone, electric gas etc. Yes I have thought about bankruptcy but that is expensive also to file. Attorneys want money.

 

The creditors are calling and turned over to collections. It stinks about all of this.

 

I still have a truck to pay off but I am almost done on it.

 

Again everyday in the mail I see bills or notices. HOw much more can a person take. This is why people cannot handle too much pressure. This is why the pain and not feeling well and low self esteem.

[itry]

....u want to kill urself over money/debt? i understand its stressful... but do u understand that there are other options?

 

 

with all due respect..ive skimmed through this post...u sound like my ex. he's still alive. and i think ull survive this one too. if ur in debt, there are ways out of it. if u dont value ur own life enough then what can i say? goodbye?

[lightn]

itry wrote:

 

with all due respect..ive skimmed through this post...u sound like my ex. he's still alive. and i think ull survive this one too. if ur in debt, there are ways out of it. if u dont value ur own life enough then what can i say? goodbye?

 

It is not only money and debt it is job and of course the ex. Again the ex is the last thing on my mind.

 

I guess you don;t understand the pain by your comment and I thought it was cruel you in saying this well goodbye and I sound like your ex. Again in my eyes it is pretty mean for you to say that.

 

Most people don;t understand the pain and what people go through do you. I guess not.

[itry]

put it this way.....

 

 

three years ago i had someone that was fairly close to me... i remember that they were acting weird one night and then pretty much the next day she overdosed. purposley. to this day im mad/hurt about it....then theres my ex...who always claimed suicide. cuz of bills, cuz of me and the world wasnt fair. HE was the one who accumulated his bills.he had his materialistic things but wouldnt sell them. he didntlook for a new job or get a second or third one. when I went through MY trying times, i worked three jobs and ebayed like crazy.. i sold most of my things etc. etc. i was also only 19 at the time and alone... i still have financial issues. but ivenever once thought of taking my own life.

 

anyways, if u were going to commit suicide, like i said, then u would have done it by now rather than responding close to a hundred times on this post...and checking for replies.

 

life is a b!tch beyond belief. but no matter what im going through, u better believe im going to fight it. i love waking up and wondering whats going to happen.

 

when i said good bye, it was simply my way of telling u that i can accept it if u dont give a crap about urself. i do not know u so u wont affect me as much. u do not know me so if i were to blow my brains out.. it wouldnt affect u as much.

 

 

suicide is the quickest/easiest way out... but could u imagine, lets say, hypothetically that u saw GOD, and GOD said to u, hey my stressed out friend... this is what LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN like if u stayed..then GOD showed u two more years of wickedness in ur life... but showed u a third year of happiness beyond belief...u would feel pretty crappy....

[lightn]

itry:

 

First of all due to the fact I was treated poorly from my job and laid off, and putting me in a bad finanical status. Sure I have tried applying even for job I hate and not one call back.So I filed unemployment and also now the job is appealing the benefits. However me getting a temp job does help but not enough.

 

I wake up crying and praying to god to forgive and give me a better life but he has not answered. So is there light end of the tunnel. No, there is not. It is black.

 

As for me ending it all, I have already prepared to write notes personally to everyone explaining why. So when I do it they will understand in the letter and the pressure of life. The pain is awful. The feeling of hopeless is there.

 

I am so sorry about your friend and I am sure it effected you but maybe your friend also did not know who to talk to or ask for help.

 

Am I asking for help. Well first of all it is hard to talk to a counselor when I have no insurance. What is the use. THey are all going to say the same thing I will get through it etc.

 

Sure I have been told it is a coward way but again waking up every morning and facing the day again when your life is not getting any better. I have tried to for the past 2 months going on 3 and nothing. I have fought it and it is not any better.

 

What more can I say. Maybe the time will come and soon I blieve when I stop posting here and then nothing then I am done.

[itry]

why do u have an aggressive bear as the picture in ur profile?

 

how old ru anyway?

[Mikhail_Scosyrev]

lightn, I realize how difficult your life is and how hard it is to cope, but you managed to do it well so far.

 

You know, I always thought, if I ever find myself in a very tough situation when suicide could be an option, I would still take one more try and do the following:

 

i would actually cut off all my contacts with the people and places around where I lived.

 

i would buy a bicycle, tent and a sleeping bag, and bike away... somewhere to Canada... or south america and live day by day on the road.

 

have you considered this? it's going to be totally different life, problems that existed in the past will no longer be there. There will be other problems, like finding a camping spot, repairing a flat tire, finding food to eat, but all this problems will only give a feeling of reward laying in the tent at night.

 

here i did something similar: link removed

 

and here are journals of many other people who ve done long distance bike tours

 

link removed

 

Peace

[lightn]

Mikhail_Scosyrev:

 

I read some of your journal and saw your pictures and wow it is different outlook. Did I ever think about it. Sure taking my truck and just driving to wherever it takes me but again it takes money to do that.

 

The question is how did you survive, and eating all those places it takes money. Sure you avoid filling up gas, etc. but again you did not mention if you had change of clothes.

 

I have thought about just driving up the mountains and live in the wild but again all that takes effort and money.

 

Your right I have made this far but again every morning I wake up it is tough.

 

Did you quit your job or what. What made you decide to do that. Did make you feel better?

[Mikhail_Scosyrev]

lightn, yes, i quit the job and had nothing keeping me in LA,

 

the money is not an issue, really. the bike i bought for 20$ from a guy near wal mart, i didn't stop in motels so it's only price of food and i spent something like 600$ on food in 3 months... and it could be less... money in canada can buy more, plus a lot of their foods are cheaper, like milk and other dairy products.

 

clothes... ah... yes, i carried clothes to change, but that's not an issue, some people just take two sets and wash one each evening in the tap and let it dry while riding, or something like that.

 

I was living in that world while riding rediscovering who i am and where i am...

 

im serious, it can make your day when you are riding all day in the middle of nowhere where there are no people at all, and some animal comes in front of your bike and stands there for 5 minutes without being scared... or you find a tree with sweet plums...

 

yeah, by truck it could also be nice, but it indeed costs money and you can only stay on main roads, while on bike you can be anywhere.

 

Good luck.

[lightn]

OK, it has been a while since I have posted and now I see no point of living. No, after this I will stay away and try to help some people but after this my mind is slowing thinking now even more what is the point of living when you try for jobs I am rejected because of my credit.

Yes now companies are using that to discriminate against the applicant just because you have bad credit they will not eve look at you.

 

I was called in from a temp agency and they needed insurance adjusters. So I had driven 20 miles and then during the interview was HOW WAS YOUR CREDIT? They stated they will not even look at you. I said this was beyond on my control due to several layoffs and it was stated I was not the only person and another person in front of me the same thing. So you see first you are being honest and if you don;t say anything or being dishonest they will find out and your screwed either way. How is someone suppose to get a good job when you are being discriminated against? How are you suppose to support yourself with no good jobs, and it might as well say since you have bad credit it shows your character. THis is judging a book by its cover without even taking a chance.

 

So it has been a bad weekend and also my bank denied access to my second account to get cash because one of my accounts was negative. That is absurd and did not even care if I was stranded. It is one thing after another.

 

So with all this being said wonder now if I should be locked up but then again it is not the best thing. I think the best thing is to be gone for good because problems like this is too much too handle. Then on top of it I have to find a place and move in with a roommate.

 

It is one thing after another. I getting tired of hearing well this is minor etc. It is not minor. Even though I have a temp job I am still looking for my field that I am good in but what is the use when companies are using the credit thing.

 

It is getting to the point of not fightning anymore. When that stops it is not worth living.

 

Right now I am jus barley surviving and staying afloat that to me is not good enough. I need to live comfortably and I am not. There is too many roadblocks and this is how people have nervous breakdowns or just end it.

Again I am slowly now will get my affairs in order by writing letters because it is too much. Am I asking for attention, NO, I am just letting everybody know I will not be on here too much too much longer. The problems of life is too much. and no health benefits etc.

 

I have tried and tried and thinking it is going to get better and it is not. There is no point in staying alive anymore. What is the point.

[lightn]

I have tried to keep a level head and it is not working. Just feel right now everybody is against me. I even went into the bank and they will not take responsiblity. It seems to me they can treat you anyway they want as along they get your business.

 

With that said, right now my life is not good. I even talk to my friend and said how would he feel if I am gone. He said he can understand it but I told him that I would explain in a letter and he said he still would not understand and be hurt. I just don;t see how it is?

 

Right now again my financial status stinks, my job working as a temp which is not good and companies now base your job on the credit. What is the point. Sure I have my health and living but again is it worth it. Yes I am trying to make the decisions in order to save money by moving in with a roommate but even that I have had bad experience but what is the point.

 

I guess I will have to make a decision because my life is a question mark. I am in a dark hole it seems and I thought there was some light end of the tunnel but it closed up again.