Jump to content

Is it normal for men not to be affectionate?


Recommended Posts

My fiancé is not very physically affectionate on his own. He tells me he loves me everyday and kisses me but never hugs me or tries to cuddle with me. Its always a quick kiss and he pulls away. It’s starting to really bother me as I have talked to him a few

Times and he says he is just not naturally a huggy person. If I initiate he doesn’t push me away but he seems to get a little awkward and it never lasts more than a few seconds. I’m starting to really crave that in a man and it’s not changing. He is not affectionate with his family either. I have never seen him hug his mother in 4 years. He does little things all the time to show me he cares and he loves me. It’s the affection thing that gets me. I don’t think it’s that hard to change maybe because I am very affectionate. I am feeling very rejected. Is this normal for some men?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 81
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

No it's not 'normal'.

 

Your Fiancé is in the minority.

 

Was he like this all the time? Or only since you got engaged?

 

If he was the former, why are you engaged to him?

 

I don’t think it’s that hard to change

 

You can't change anyone, nor should you try. That's a big red flag for me that you think you can.

 

If he's like this now, it's going to get a LOT worse if you get married to him. This is a time you both should be enjoying being engaged and sorry to be crude: but ripping the knickers off each other. Marriage is tough and over the years the sex diminishes without effort on both parts. If you are not happy now, you are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and unhappiness.

 

Can I ask what age you are and he? How long have you been together?

 

Edited to say: Yes in fairness it is normal for some men. Aka men who have a poker up their bum, are devoid of sexuality and somewhat frigid. So I retract that it's not 'normal', normal to a small % of men (and women) who most would find highly undesirable and not an ideal candidate as a long term partner.

Edited by MurphyB
Link to post
Share on other sites
Was he like this all the time? Or only since you got engaged?

 

Was going to ask the same thing.

 

What is "normal" is simply how people "normally" behave. Some will be more affectionate than others. Not a man or woman thing, just a person thing. I've generally found the best relationships are with those whose "normal" bring us joy and comfort, rather than with those whose "normal" is a thing we hope to change in order to feel joy and comfort.

Link to post
Share on other sites
To me, it’s not trying to change him. It’s asking him to be a little more affectionate. It’s like picking your dirty clothes off the floor. would that be considered trying to change someone if you ask them to do this?

 

 

That's totally different. That's just basic manners and self respect for himself more importantly. Was he brought up in a ditch?

Thinking you can change his personality type/make up and demeanour is a whole different ball game. And one which you will lose.

 

I am sensing you are very young and engaged quickly/haven't dated many people?

Edited by MurphyB
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you for your input. I never thought of it were reversed. That’s a good way to look at it. That would be hard for me to change.

 

Changing people is a lost cause. It is better to be with someone who meets our integral needs than to try and fit someone into them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So, you're 30. You've dated around, and one thing you've learned you like from dating are affectionate men. Now you're engaged to a man who isn't affectionate. That is a curious application of past lessons learned in order to do what you can to ensure a harmonious future, no?

 

I sort of see dating as the time when we observe another person—with part of that being observing the qualities we know will get on our nerves. Then, knowing our nerves and needs, we decide if we can handle those qualities. That's the relationship stage. If it turns out those nerve-rattling qualities don't rattle us much, we proceed onto marriage, if marriage is your thing.

 

This isn't clothes on the floor. It's both a core part of him, and a core part of the chemistry experiment that is him plus you, one that has had four years in the laboratory. The results are largely in. Those results get validated with "I do," not altered. Just keep that in mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My in-laws have been married 60 years . I have been with my husband 30 years . I have never seen my in-laws hug even once. Some people are just not openly demonstrative.

 

Sorry but you are referring to people who are twice the OP's age. It's a different generation and doesn't make it right. Just because you are used to being around people who are not affectionate doesn't make it the norm for the OP - or acceptable.

 

From the OP's post it's clear she is unhappy in her current situ with her fella who is clearly uptight in his ability to express himself sexually/lovingly and in a tactile way to those most important to him - aka his future wife, his mother, family etc.

 

She deserves a guy who is going to make her feel sexy, wanted, desirable, etc from an action POV. Telling someone you 'Love them everyday' is not enough for a girl or man in their early 30's. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Telling her that you know people who are in their 80's or 90's and they 'made it', is not really helping this girl out, unless we all want to live like the characters from Little House on the Prairie or The Waltons...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sorry but you are referring to people who are twice the OP's age. It's a different generation and doesn't make it right. Just because you are used to being around people who are not affectionate doesn't make it the norm for the OP - or acceptable.

 

From the OP's post it's clear she is unhappy in her current situ with her fella who so uptight in his ability to express himself sexually/lovingly and in a tactile way to those most important to him - aka his future wife, his mother, family etc.

 

She deserves a guy who is going to make her feel sexy, wanted, desirable, etc from an action POV. Telling someone you 'Love them everyday' is not enough for a girl or man in their early 30's. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Telling her that you know people who are in their 80's or 90's and they 'made it', is not really helping this girl out, unless we all want to live like the characters from Little House on the Prairie or The Waltons...

 

Everyone has a right to speak . ;)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Absolutely! But, no offence, try and see things from the OP's generation possibly?

 

Maybe if you read my other comment in the thread you’d realize I do. I’m not so old I come from the dark ages you know. Gee whiz I actually remember being 30. I have a son who is only eight years younger than her. I’m not so old I come from the Flintstones.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone for your advice. I just want to add that this is his first long term serious relationship. He had a Few shorter ones before me. I always wondered if that may be a part of it. As in he doesn’t feel confident sometimes in expressing himself. I could tell at the beginning he was always very nervous with me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you everyone for your advice. I just want to add that this is his first long term serious relationship. He had a Few shorter ones before me. I always wondered if that may be a part of it. As in he doesn’t feel confident sometimes in expressing himself. I could tell at the beginning he was always very nervous with me.

 

My own husband when young was very anti pda and nervous. But he changed as he got older.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyway back to the point in hand. And the Ingalls and Jim Bob aside...

 

OP. So you say he's always been like this pretty much?

What do you like about him? What made you say 'Yes!"

 

Come on spill the beans about what makes him float your boat? :)

 

He must be a pretty decent fella otherwise for you to date him for 4 years and agree to marry him... :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you everyone for your advice. I just want to add that this is his first long term serious relationship. He had a Few shorter ones before me. I always wondered if that may be a part of it. As in he doesn’t feel confident sometimes in expressing himself. I could tell at the beginning he was always very nervous with me.

 

That's pretty normal for a guy in his early 30's.

 

But hate to break it to you, but this isn't going to get him the get out of jail free card re. why he is not making you happy in your wants and needs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He is a great person with a big heart. He does sweet things for me all the time( just folded all my laundry and put everything away without me asking:) and he puts me first before anyone. He would drop anything for me at anytime if I needed him and he is calm, respectful and a hard worker. He is Willing to listen to me when I talk and never tells me I am overreacting and making a big deal of things ( even sometimes when i am). I love him dearly. The passionate side of me is just missing that very much and I feel guilty for that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...