Is it normal for men not to be affectionate?

[Nmr1983]

Read up on the 7 Love Languages. Mine is PRESENTS, and I show through through time. My husband shows it by action. And for him to feel loved is affection. So if being touched and caressed by partner is something you cannot live without, you can't stay with that type of partner. They don't grow into super touchy-feely people because you tell them so. And yes, telling them to pick up after themselves is a request, but they will always be clutterly even when they mean well. They just can't see the mess the way you do.

 

Imagine after kids, never being touched? I can't get my hubby's paws off me sometimes =D

 

How you need to be loved is non-negotiable.

 

 

My didn't read all the posts, so I apologize if I've missed something.

 

I have just pushed it down for a while then it would get better but looking back the majority of the relationship has been like this. Yes, my fault I guess for accepting a proposal. It’s extremely hard to leave though when 90% of the other stuff is fine. Thank you for your advice:)

[bluecastle]

When did he propose? Do you think that being engaged has brought some of this to the surface? I ask because you made a remark a while back about marriage not being a goal for you, and I guess I wonder how much, at this point in your life, having a life partner is important to you.

 

That wasn't a genuine value for me until I was in my mid-30s, which had its pros and cons in relationships—the pro being that I never felt I "had" to marry people who were great in a million ways but not great for me, with the big "con" being that I didn't really know how to communicate when it came to certain issues because I didn't quite know what the end goal of that communication was meant to be.

 

There's that age-old saying about how relationships take "work," which I sometimes think gets mistranslated to an idea that relationships are supposed to feel like dead-end jobs and the mark of maturity is learning to accept that. Not saying that's where you are, but maybe asking if you have in your mind a clear idea, right now, of what you'd like to be "working" toward. Without that—and without a good portion of that being shared by two—it's just very hard.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Try to meet half way on this. Can you identify other factors that are satisfying to you? What is he unhappy with, do you know? Or is just you who's unhappy? Of course before you marry premarital counselling will cover subjects like affection and communication.

I would suggest that you read up on the 5 languages of love, not for the sake of changing him, but for the sake of YOU growing a little bit emotionally and learning to understand, see, value different languages of love.

[Nmr1983]

When did he propose? Do you think that being engaged has brought some of this to the surface? I ask because you made a remark a while back about marriage not being a goal for you, and I guess I wonder how much, at this point in your life, having a life partner is important to you.

 

That wasn't a genuine value for me until I was in my mid-30s, which had its pros and cons in relationships—the pro being that I never felt I "had" to marry people who were great in a million ways but not great for me, with the big "con" being that I didn't really know how to communicate when it came to certain issues because I didn't quite know what the end goal of that communication was meant to be.

 

There's that age-old saying about how relationships take "work," which I sometimes think gets mistranslated to an idea that relationships are supposed to feel like dead-end jobs and the mark of maturity is learning to accept that. Not saying that's where you are, but maybe asking if you have in your mind a clear idea, right now, of what you'd like to be "working" toward. Without that—and without a good portion of that being shared by two—it's just very hard.

 

He proposed at the beginning of the year. As I have gotten older I do want to get married and have kids. I was just never in a rush.

 

We are supposed to be getting married in June and I am supposed to be sending out save the dates, getting dresses and all that stuff. I just don’t know right now. This advice has been very helpful. He seems to be more affectionate when he is drinking which loosens him up. I don’t want to have to wait every time for him to drink to be more open though.

 

There is already a lot of money into this and I know that is not the main concern here, I don’t want to end up divorced or meeting someone else that I click with because I take pride in being a loyal person. I am starting to find myself more attracted to other men, but I wouldn’t act on it. I’m so torn right now. We just moved in together.

[Nmr1983]

Agree. Try to meet half way on this. Can you identify other factors that are satisfying to you? What is he unhappy with, do you know? Or is just you who's unhappy? Of course before you marry premarital counselling will cover subjects like affection and communication.

 

Yes, I mentioned a lot of his good qualities in a previous post. He says he is happy when I ask him. I mentioned counseling and he agreed but hasn’t said anything else about it. I am going to bring it up again.

 

He seems to just go along for the ride sometimes if you will. Just agrees with me even on little things that we do and doesn’t really suggest new things to do together. I may be wrong but I feel like it’s always me trying to keep the spark alive. He is a bit passive.

[bluecastle]

I'll probably get flayed for this, but I think the drinking thing is a good sign. Booze is a kind of truth serum, bringing certain colors to the surface, often before we've come to fully understand and embrace those colors ourselves. No, I'm not saying turn him into a drunk, but maybe to spend some time trying to cultivate your inner booze—see, you know, if you can loosen him up a bit.

 

Which leads to: great that he is down for counseling—where we wild humans can learn to harness the very best of our inner drunks without the booze. Be it a passive nature or whatnot, people who are open to therapy are rare. Lean into that, together, and see what comes. I've often said that, if I ever get engaged, I'll want to celebrate it with a few joint sessions regardless of the state of things—and that the person I get engaged to would be down for that.

 

All that said, I'll give you the advice I gave my best friend, when he was engaged. Decade-long relationship, lots of history, basically their whole 20s with each other. Among their issues—and, I suspect, she'd have said the same thing, though it was he I talked to—was that they "never quite clicked physically." Anyhow, over beers one day he voiced some pretty vulnerable concerns about things, saying, in effect, that he thought he needed to get engaged to know he didn't want to marry her.

 

I told him to listen to that thought—not react impulsively, but not ignore recklessly, but to just listen, since the financial and emotional logistics of ending an engagement are nothing compared to ending a marriage. So, you know, keep on listening.

[figureitout23]

Serious question-

How does having had a few bad relationships have to do with a need that someone has? I had it before those relationships and I will always have it.

 

He can be who he is. That’s why I am going to observe and make the right decision before we get married. I spoke to him and he knows how I feel. That’s all I can really do. Before we got engaged , he would be more affectionate at times. It seems to have decreased much more since we got engaged.

 

Just to clarify, I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do, or having wants and needs that you do, we all have wants and needs. I think, I guess I’m not being clear, I think expecting another grown adult to change who he fundamentally is to please you is unrealistic and unfair.

 

On top of being not so touchy freely, I’m also sarcastic as hell, it’s simply how I express myself, so if I can’t call you a butt munch while affectionately punching you in the arm, I probably won’t be the girl for you. And while I am not good at expressing myself physically, since my love language is acts of service, I’ll be that girl that makes your favorite snack while you enjoy the ball game or checking up on you when you’re at home sick or surprising you with tickets to your favorite band just because, that’s how I show love. If I was asked to change how I showed love, I legitimately don’t think I could do it, just like you state you are who you are, YOURE RIGHT! That’s my point, you are who you are, he is who he is, I truly don’t think your differences are so big they can’t be overcome I truly just think you aren’t seeing outside yourself, so the concept of compromise is just flying over your head...