Amazing relationship but she's not as turned on by me sexually as other guys

[bluecastle]

Well, what I'd be paying attention to is that "paranoid streak" as well as how it plays out in your thoughts about sex. It's not quite about pushing that aside by focusing on the positive things she's saying, but confronting that inside yourself so you don't have to make focusing on the positive a chore, but can simply absorb her, and what you have together, organically, in order to determine if it's enough to feel positive.

 

By the way you described her—free-spirited, etc.—I get the impression that she kind of triggers that paranoid streak in a way you both like and hate. That's the issue here, you see? Whoever she is with—and certainly whoever she marries—should just see her as her, a person, not a threat. If somehow you "need" a woman to be threatening in order to be attracted to her—well, that's another thing to explore. Ditto if you find some kind of solace in intimidating someone—in needing to be, say, bigger and better than some other dude from some other time.

 

I hate feeling anxious. I love feeling excited. The two things can be related, but there's a difference: the former is draining, while the latter is enriching, even calming. I get the sense that you are a little self-conditioned to find excitement through anxiety, and until those loops are untangled you're giving yourself permission to indulge in that paranoid streak, to the peril of your connections and the people you are connecting with.

 

I've been with women who, for whatever reason, make me nervous. I'm talking hours, maybe a few weeks, because I process "nervous" as "bad match" not as "thing to conquer." It's an impediment to the thrill I seek: a secure world in which to get wild by sharing myself with another. The minute I even wonder who someone is texting, say, is the minute I have steered off the highway of who I want to be in romance, so it doesn't even matter if she's texting her accountant or an ex. And if for whatever reason I am too nervous to ask about the texting in a constructive manner—well, ditto. I don't want to be either of those guys. They're fun house mirrors of myself, so anyone who validates them through love is going to be a fun house version of a person instead of a person person. And you can only have so much fun inside a fun house.

 

In your case your response to these feelings seems quite different. This is something to take seriously, for yourself, so you can be more of the kind of man you want to be on the planet—and, by extension, in love and romance.

[jimthzz]

Um, it is pretty simple. Do not get married to anyone who is not into sexually. ESPECIALLY someone who admits to finding others more of a turn on than yourself.

 

The honeymoon or engagement phase is supposed to be a time of higher excitement than after years of marriage. It does not improve if it is not there.

 

Do yourself a favor and disengage from her literally. Move on.

[Wiseman2]

A big fancy wedding is not going to quell your sexual insecurities. Is she much younger or more attractive than you? Keep in mind while you're still paying off the wedding, she may already be fantasizing about other more sexually secure and sexually satisfying men. A trip to a doctor and therapist would solve a lot more problems than a wedding and be a heck of a lot less expensive. Think about it.

We all have our demons and I'm not going to pretend I don't have any because clearly I do.

[cainsim74]

I think I'm going to have to figure this one out on my own. Thanks for everyone's input on this. Lots of food for thought.

[Sunflowersee]

Hello cainsim, here are my thoughts fwiw.

 

Sexuality is so complex, so fluid and unique to all of us, at different times with different people. This is just my opinion based on my own experience and what I’ve read in books and articles but often times the passion and crazy psycho sex (such that you’re referring to cainsim) is based not on love, but on longing.

 

Love is cherishing what you do have, longing is craving what you don’t have, and that craving feeling comes from anxiety, uncertainty and insecurity. Not warmth, caring, security and that special feeling you have for your partner when in love or falling in love such that you are experiencing now with your current girlfriend.

 

You posted your ex mentioned something to her ex, the ex she apparently was more attracted to than she is to you, that she is ready for a “real” relationship. This leads to believe that what she had with him, and perhaps other men, was not a relationship at all, but rather a casual dating experience where she was left with a lot of uncertainty, a lot of distance (emotional and physical), a lot of craving, a lot of longing!

 

Yes of course she felt she was more sexually attracted to him, she didn’t “have” him! The majority of her time was spent longing for him and craving him. Fantasizing about him. That's my guess anyway based on what you posted.

 

With you, it’s quite different. She feels secure with you, cared for, loved, no doubt special, there is no longing, uncertainty, insecurity or craving so naturally the sex is going to be different with you - calmer, less exciting perhaps (in your eyes), less "psycho," but awesome nonetheless and special in its own uniqueness.

 

So it’s really a trade off. What do you want, what’s more important to you? That crazy, passionate psycho sex, based on longing, uncertainty and anxiety you had with your ex OR a calmer and more peaceful way of expressing your sexuality with your current girlfriend.

 

It’s your choice, you cannot have both, NOT possible. We are not robots that can be "programmed" into having kinky hot sex just because it's what we prefer. It's certainly nothing that can be forced or manufactured by mere virtue it's what we want.

 

Unless one is so detached from their emotions, themselves and their partner, but I have not found that to be true in very many cases.

[cainsim74]

You posted your ex mentioned something to her ex, the ex she apparently was more attracted to than she is to you, that she is ready for a “real” relationship. This leads to believe that what she had with him, and perhaps other men, was not a relationship at all, but rather a casual dating experience where she was left with a lot of uncertainty, a lot of distance (emotional and physical), a lot of craving, a lot of longing!

 

I think you hit the nail on the head in many aspects. She liked him and wanted a relationship with him but he basically blew her off and wanted to see other people casually. He had just gotten divorced and was very bitter about relationships and wanted just spend some time being a player. She would hang out with him in a FWB situation whenever she wasn't dating anyone. When she got together with me, he kept trying to hang out with her but she told him she found someone and also said how nice it was to be in an actual relationship.

[cainsim74]

Smackie9: Just to clear this up - when I say she's free spirited, I meant in no way was she promiscuous. In fact she's completely the opposite. I was meaning her choices of careers and has lived a starving artist lifestyle her whole life.

[cainsim74]

Just to clear this up - when I say she's free spirited, I meant in no way was she promiscuous. In fact she's completely the opposite. I was meaning her choices of careers and has lived a starving artist lifestyle her whole life.

 

I do know for a fact this the first marriage proposal that she's head over heels about.

[Leah33]

A couple of months after we started dating she went through an incredibly stressful time in her life and almost went bankrupt and finally had to move because of it in August. When the stressful time started happening, I kind of freaked out because I thought she was losing interest in me and that's when I snooped. I feel terrible about it and haven't done it since.

 

Emotional distance isn't solved by breaching someone's trust.

 

I certainly hope "snooping" won't be your mantra moving forward if/when any little discrepancy pops up. Like I said, unless she expressly stated that she "was more turned on by previous partners than by you", which is doesn't sound like she has, you've manufactured this whole scenario on your own.

[cainsim74]

No - it's not been my mantra and I haven't done it since. She did actually say that there wasn't as much physical attraction with me as him and this was before we actually started dating and she was telling him that she was calling off hanging out with him because she wanted to see how her and I played out. She also told him she wanted more of a relationship and she knew he wasn't going to deliver on that.

[Leah33]

She did actually say that there wasn't as much physical attraction with me as him and this was before we actually started dating and she was telling him that she was calling off hanging out with him because she wanted to see how her and I played out. She also told him she wanted more of a relationship and she knew he wasn't going to deliver on that.

 

If you weren't dating and being sexual with each other at that point, how can you accurately quantify her level of sexual attraction towards you vs. him, when there wasn't anything yet to base it on? It seems past tense.

 

I can't make out if this is conjecture on your part or actual statements and feelings on her part in the present moment.

 

I hate to say it but early on in our relationship, I saw a text from her ex and snooped and found out that when they were dating she was extremely turned on by him and it feels like she was way more attracted sexually to him than me.

 

Well - most of that text exchange I snooped on was before we got together. The part where she admitted she was more turned on by him than me was right when she was telling him that she didn't want to to hang out with him because she wanted to date me and wanted a real relationship. She never said anything like that to him since we've been dating and she stopped talking to him altogether a few months after we started dating and he got the picture and hit the road for good.

 

I looked at her texts a few months after we started dating and were very serious about each other. She was writing those things before we got together. I didn't see them until months later.

 

Regardless, I really feel like her sex life before she met you should be kept in the past. I'm not sure what purpose it serves to dredge-up now.

 

Wouldn't a better option be to devote your mental energy on building a mutually satisfactory sexual connection with your fiancée?

[cainsim74]

I'm going to drop off here. I appreciate all your replies and it's been very helpful. We actually had a talk about all this and I think everything is going to be fine. I really need to look at myself and learn to stop obsessing about things that don't matter so much in the big picture.