We have been dating for 3 years with no sex..PLEASE Help

[anonymous0000]

She and I met a few years ago and began dating immediately with no sex for about 2 months before i decided that she was no my type. She was overly feminine, bisexual and had a lot to learn about being with women since she had just come out. She continued to express interest in me and was very patient while i dated other women and persistently pursued me after I clearly expressed I just wanted to be friends. We remained friends for 3 years and although i knew she was interested i remained friends with her because I LOVED and enjoyed her company and that she never crossed the lines of friendship. i never felt the way I did with her with any other woman which includes the two loves of my life. She is brilliant, business savvy, gorgeous, reliable, loving, good natured and more.

 

I have compromised many things in relationships before her for Fantastic sex and passionate connections and I am obviously not still with them. I began to grow tired of active dating and the night life and finally felt fully recuperated from my 5 year breakup she was there. love still in her eyes and reliable as ever she took me by surprise when i actually decided to give her another chance, because I just wanted to be in a healthy and happy relationship without all the drama with straight and bisexual women that lured me with seduction and kept me with lots of love, emotions and hot sex on expressways.

I am very femme and LOVE femme women but find that many other femmes lack the butch ability to satisfy aggressively in the bedroom where it counts. She seemed more assertive and ready to take a relationship with a woman, moreover I began to fall in love with her over the course of our friendship.

 

Everything was perfect until we it came to having sex. She never attempted although we were happy, tested and got to know each other intimately. I felt I always had to make the first move and began to feel turned off again as I did in the beginning. I pleaded with friends that could not understand my situation since they knew of my past sexual experiences with women and they all suggested I make the first move because she was perhaps shy and intimidated by me. Although reluctant because i so badly wanted her to take me and unleash her passion, love and lust for me i initiated twice and her attempts to please me were THE WORST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE and conyine to be.

 

We have had sex a total of 8 times in 3 years. She had and has no clue about how a women's anatomy works or where it's all located....weird....i swear i am not exaggerating. She also has very small hands which doesn't cut it for me and is to femme to use a dildo with the force or rhythm that I can feel. Basically sexually we ARE NOT compatible and i know that we can never be. However when i tell you that i LOVE this women i mean it with all my heart. I have never been happier, more satisfied emotionally and mentally in my life and I have been around.

 

I have tried butches but they lack the femme qualities that I require for long term lust but hard femmes are hard to find.

 

Should i just accept her and out lack of sex since i have EVERYTHING ELSE or should i break up with her now?

 

 

She has told me that if we are not together she cant be my friend because she loves me to much and the thought of loosing her would kill me.

 

PLEASE HELP ME i am not happy with her because i need sex and not get turned on by teaching and explaining things.

 

In my eyes it comes down to true love and no sex or and open road.

[pizzachick13]

give her an anatomy lesson!! if you want it a particular way, tell her exactly how you want it and show her how hard... it all comes down to communication. if you can't tell her exactly howe you want it... show her!!

 

Sappho

[mgirl]

Oh wow, there is definitely an energy connected to sex and no amount of 'showing' will change that. If she hasn't got the sexual energy you need, then she may never will.

 

You can either stay with her and grin and bare it, or try to find some way to make her more forceful in the boudiour, or you can have a sexual relationship outside of the relationship, but this gets awkward, not to mention, it is boring (only insecure people do that). You could "let her go" for someone else, somebody you would be compatable with, but they may not satisfy your other life-needs.

 

You have to work out what is important to you. I know it's a cliche but most usually, we can never have 'everything' we want. There is always something missing. So you have to work out whether the gain of greater sex is worth the sacrifice of the happiness and joy she brings you.

 

Good luck

[RayKay]

I'll say the same thing I would say to anyone straight or gay when it comes to sexual compatibility and a long term relationship - if you have tried to address the situation with your partner, and nothing has been resolved, things will likely not magically change. And you need to either decide if you can live with things being like this forever, or not. It all depends on how important sex and sexual compatibility are to YOU. It is not the MOST important part of a relationship, but it is very important - it is an expression of intimacy between couples, a bonding glue that brings us closer, that allows us to please our partners, express our desires, and it does LITERALLY bond us to our partners with that release of endorphins.

Some people say it is selfish to be so interested in sex when you have such a great person otherwise, but it is BECAUSE that person is so great you want the sex life to be fantastic as well, and that you are still there trying to work things through. Personally if I had only had sex with my partner 8 times in 3 years....well, if things were not fixed, I would be on the way out the door! I just could not live like that the rest of my life, it lowers YOUR self esteem, and makes you feel undesirable to your partner...it is not "just about the sex".

 

It sounds to me like your partner may actually be "asexual" in that she has little desire for sexual activity, which may also be mixed with some insecurities on her part as well.

 

If this relationship is important to you and you want to fix this issue, I would advise a very honest talk with her as communication about this is integral. She may be just plain inexperienced (even if she is a woman) when it comes to female anatomy (maybe she has never even examined her own very well) so you need to show her what you like, and also find out what is going on. If she really wants to work through this for the both of you, then I would say try and work things through as it sounds like you love this woman very very much. I would also advise you discuss that she (and you) go to a doctor...if her sex drive just IS low, and she discusses it with doctor/therapist, she may get prescribed testosterone or something to increase sexual desire (and get that aggressiveness in the bedroom ). If they discover it might be other "emotional issues" therapy may help (ie if their was abuse in her past for example).

[Cadence308]

RayKay gave you some great advice.

 

Honestly, have you thought about sex therapy? I understand that you don't find it sexy and romantic to have to teach your partner things in the bedroom, but we learn things by doing them (practice) and the more times one practices, the better it becomes, no matter what it is. Sex is sort of like sport. And it's clear from your post that your partner does not have a lot of experience in the bedroom. Have you thought that maybe she's not initiating sex with you because she knows that she is not pleasing you and this embarrasses her and lowers her self-esteem? Communication is very important in any intimate relationship.

 

Are you able to give her pleasure and she enjoys it? Is the problem just when she is giving to you?

[anonymous0000]

To be honest I have not ever experienced constructive and helpful support from the lesbian community and I have been out since I was 15.

 

I now see that I have only myself to blame for failing to seek it out.

 

I am touched by all of your advice although I am quite open minded and resourceful and I have attempted ALL of your suggestions already.

 

I have come to a conclusion and I want to thank you all again for putting so much thought into a problem that seems to plague the lesbian community predominately in long tern relationships.

 

 

This is an incredible web site that has the potential to change lives and minds.

[RayKay]

What have you decided to do anonymous, if you don't mind me asking?

 

And I am very glad you like enotalone, it is a pretty special place

[anonymous0000]

I had a brief conversation with this woman that shared with me that she maintained a friendship with her X by being kind and respectful.

 

I spoke with my love for over 2 hours and was very kind.

 

I explained that I have never loved anyone more than her

 

she is the love of my life

 

she compliments me most

 

has made me happier

 

and that I cant imagine my life without her and I ultimately want to be friends

 

we planned a trip to Rome and Italy in June and told her that I refused

to torture each other by sharing yet another trip together that lacks sex. Moreover the most romantic country in the world.

 

So we are going on a trip next weekend. A cottage in the great outdoors with the dogs.

 

I explained that one day when she is frankly ravishing someone she loves if I am the love of her life and she realizes that she lost me for something so petty like sex she would forever regret it.

 

She promised to be uninexhbited and give 100 percent and I would do the same.

 

It will be difficult for me because at this point I am exhausted by the situation and moreover my body has a memory of her hands and mouth but I owe it to myself to do this to be certain that she gave 100 percent and could not even give me basic satisfaction which at that point I could improve and I owe it to her to give her all and move on if she can not please me.

 

 

True love is KIND

[mgirl]

Anonymous1000, it sounds like you were truelly kind to her and if she cannot give you the sex you want and you place sex as high in the relationship, then you are probably doing the right thing.

 

I hope the weekend away goes well, but at the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you. Life is too short.

 

Good luck,

 

Mgirl