Non assertive Fiancé

[katrina1980]

Hi Katrina- I know what you’re saying he has gotten comfortable and I guess I’m worried if it’s like this now , what will happen when we are married with kids? Do I have to play this game every time he gets comfortable? We don’t live together yet so I have been staying home. I won’t be able to do that once we get married. I feel both people should always be trying even if they are comfortable.

 

Maybe instead of looking at it as a "game," how about simply making this your mindset -- stop consistently giving more than you receive back in return. That way resentment won't build up like exactly what's happening now.

 

When boyfriend or husband becomes passive, lazy and complacent, then pull back. Slightly.

 

For me, in my long term relationships, it's not a game but second nature to me. I don't even have to think about it.

 

I'm not hurtful or nasty, I am still quite happy and loving, I just stop giving so much, thus allowing him the opportunity to step up.

 

It's becomes an equal give and take quite naturally with no anger and no arguments.

 

For me and my partners, that's how we keep our relationship alive and exciting versus "same ole/same ole" when one, the other or both, become lazy and complacent.

 

Anyway, course you do what you're comfortable with, but what I advised is what I do, what I have always done, and what I will continue to do.

 

My relationships haven't always worked out, but at least the reason was not because he became complacent, lazy, bored or lost his sexual desire for me.

 

Best of luck.

[Greg40s]

Personally, reading through the posts I think cutting off sex is exactly the wrong thing to do. Yes there is a chance that he will miss it but, if he is checking out of that part of the relationship, it seems far more likely to me that that will validate it and cause him to drift away further, like sex just isn’t something you do any more. It enables it.

 

Feels to me like you need to have a big long talk, not just about what you’re missing and what you need (because it could just make him defensive and there are two of you in this relationship) but also what his expectations are, how he feels about that part of your life in case there is something missing for him that you haven’t recognised. It’s not about pushing him to change behaviour, it’s trying to see what lies beneath that behaviour and to see if you can both agree that you’d like to make things better so you’re both happier. Then maybe carve out some time to do stuff together that isn’t just about sex but might remind him of that spark that was there before. When it does come to the sex, if his interest has waned, see what can be done to make it great. Seems to me that the best tactic to make him want sex with you is not to cut it off and put more distance between him and good sex (and in the process, you) but give him the best sex of his life and that will have him wanting more.

[katrina1980]

 

Personally, reading through the posts I think cutting off sex is exactly the wrong thing to do. Yes there is a chance that he will miss it but, if he is checking out of that part of the relationship, it seems far more likely to me that that will validate it and cause him to drift away further, like sex just isn’t something you do any more. It enables it.

 

 

Greg, not quite sure what you're suggesting - that OP should continue initiating the sex, only to feel resentful for doing so?

 

I agree that "cutting off" sex is WRONG, it's manipulative.

 

And if he initiates it, of course have at it like monkeys and enjoy!!

 

JMO but I am getting the sense that the only thing all her "talking" is doing, is making him feel pressured to deliver and I know from experience that pressure to deliver can actually kill romance and sexual desire.

 

I mean he already told her he feels she's trying to change him, so that right there suggests he's feeling pressure and resentful of her. And it's having a negative impact on his desire for her.

 

That is why I suggested that she stop doing all the initiating. Still be happy, loving and affectionate in non sexual ways, but her pulling back on doing the initiating will take the emphasis and pressure off sex, thus allowing him the opportunity to reignite his attraction and sexual desire for her, step up and initiate. In a very organic and natural way.

 

Asking him to step up won't resolve anything imo cause it won't be coming from his heart, it will only be coming from her asking.

 

And if his passion for her doesn't return? Then OP, seriously reconsider marrying this guy, like seriously.

[Greg40s]

Greg, not quite sure what you're suggesting

 

I’m suggesting that cutting off or withdrawing from sex could result in things getting worse rather than better.

[Wiseman2]

This is where that gold nugget comes from:

Cut off sex and then he'll be ready to listen to you

[katrina1980]

I’m suggesting that cutting off or withdrawing from sex could result in things getting worse rather than better.

 

Okay allow me to word that another way then.

 

By "cutting off" or "withdrawing" do you mean her no longer initiating?

 

If so, imo there is a difference between her no longer doing all the initiating and her "cutting off" sex.

 

Like I said, I agree "cutting off" sex is manipulative and wrong, And if and when he initiates, embrace that with openness and enthusiasm and enjoy!

 

But if you mean she should continue initiating, allow him to continue being lazy and complacent, then I respect your opinion but don't agree with it.

 

Doing so will only cause her further resentment, which is NEVER good and will most likely result in things getting worse instead of better.

[Greg40s]

but don't agree with it.

 

Yep, I know that. Your posts were clear and I totally understand the thought process.

[katrina1980]

Yep, I know that. Your posts were clear and I totally understand the thought process.

 

Okay great, I just read the below, perhaps that is what you were responding to, and if so I agree with you!!!

 

 

Cut off sex and then he'll be ready to listen to you

 

This poster typically advises this, and I have to say it's one of the worst pieces of advice I have ever read on this forum, no disrespect to the poster who wrote it.

[Hoobabs]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

[Hoobabs]

I’m suggesting that cutting off or withdrawing from sex could result in things getting worse rather than better.

 

I agree with you. I am going to keep the ball in his court as far as initiating. I would not cut it off though. I find doing that would be manipulative and would not fix the problem, why complain about him initiating , then he initiates and I cut him off? That doesn’t make sense.

[Hoobabs]

Personally, reading through the posts I think cutting off sex is exactly the wrong thing to do. Yes there is a chance that he will miss it but, if he is checking out of that part of the relationship, it seems far more likely to me that that will validate it and cause him to drift away further, like sex just isn’t something you do any more. It enables it.

 

Feels to me like you need to have a big long talk, not just about what you’re missing and what you need (because it could just make him defensive and there are two of you in this relationship) but also what his expectations are, how he feels about that part of your life in case there is something missing for him that you haven’t recognised. It’s not about pushing him to change behaviour, it’s trying to see what lies beneath that behaviour and to see if you can both agree that you’d like to make things better so you’re both happier. Then maybe carve out some time to do stuff together that isn’t just about sex but might remind him of that spark that was there before. When it does come to the sex, if his interest has waned, see what can be done to make it great. Seems to me that the best tactic to make him want sex with you is not to cut it off and put more distance between him and good sex (and in the process, you) but give him the best sex of his life and that will have him wanting more.

 

 

I have talked to him about creating more Intimacy. It has gotten frustrating. He said he is happy how things are. He didn’t think there was anything wrong. He is the type of person that is fine with the same everyday routine and just goes with the flow. Where as I feel like I’m always wanting to experience new things not just sexual. He will do things with me if I ask him(vacations,new restaurants, activities) but is hardly ever suggesting anything new and exciting. He told me he is not the planning type but will be happy to experience new things with me.

[Wiseman2]

Ok so plan new, fun things.

I feel like I’m always wanting to experience new things not just sexual. He will do things with me if I ask him(vacations,new restaurants, activities).He told me he is not the planning type but will be happy to experience new things with me.

[reinventmyself]

Ok so plan new, fun things.

 

But she's expressing her frustration by feeling she is doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.

 

I had a relationship like this. (not the sex part) He insisted he never had any good ideas for things to do. At some point I found it to just be a lazy excuse. It was always on me and he just passively went along with it. The couple of times I pushed him to make a choice, it was a good one. I enjoyed it and thanked him in hopes it would encourage more?

 

No enthusiasm, no equitable exchange. Something that should be an organic exchange, felt like work. It just felt crushing at some point. I get her frustration.

[Hoobabs]

I’m trying to accept this area the best I can because he’s so good in mostly every way.

[Hoobabs]

But she's expressing her frustration by feeling she is doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship.

 

I had a relationship like this. (not the sex part) He insisted he never had any good ideas for things to do. At some point I found it to just be a lazy excuse. It was always on me and he just passively went along with it. The couple of times I pushed him to make a choice, it was a good one. I enjoyed it and thanked him in hopes it would encourage more?

 

No enthusiasm, no equitable exchange. Something that should be an organic exchange, felt like work. It just felt crushing at some point. I get her frustration.

 

This^^^i actually sald to him “can you just seem excited to be doing things with me!” It feels great when you can share jthe excitement together. When you’re the only one who feels excited you can’t really look forward to something with someone. I’m a huge planner and love having things to look forward to.

[Wiseman2]

Ok then you have a few options. Break up because of the perceived incompatibility. Plan because you're better at it and enjoy it more than he does or just keep talking at him with no changes/improvement and let your resentment grow.

I’m a huge planner and love having things to look forward to.

He told me he is not the planning type but will be happy to experience new things with me.

[Greg40s]

I have talked to him about creating more Intimacy. It has gotten frustrating. He said he is happy how things are. He didn’t think there was anything wrong. He is the type of person that is fine with the same everyday routine and just goes with the flow. Where as I feel like I’m always wanting to experience new things not just sexual. He will do things with me if I ask him(vacations,new restaurants, activities) but is hardly ever suggesting anything new and exciting. He told me he is not the planning type but will be happy to experience new things with me.

 

The fact that he doesn’t think anything is wrong is a big red flag. If the two of you are dissatisfied, even in completely different ways, that means both people could be motivated to make things better. For him to play his role in improving things, it requires him genuinely understanding that some things simply aren’t right. And it sounds like you have communicated this and he’s not truly getting it.

 

The fact that he is happy to experience new things with you, however, seems like a good sign but it means he is abdicating his responsibility in all this and putting you in the driving seat. And that seems a little unfair. Now two people are rarely equal in this regard (or indeed in most aspects) but to put a big part of a relationship 100% on you is unfair and, as others have said, could just lead to resentment. You’re in a tough situation.

 

I feel like he needs to wake up and take on some responsibility here. A relationship requires two people and it sometimes requires work, being active and taking an interest. I’m not sure what you can do to make him see that but that seems to be what he needs. And if he doesn’t see that, you might have some big questions to ask yourself about how compatible you really are.