Partner lost both parents within 6 weeks, and now wants to be alone

[reinventmyself]

Thankyou everyone. I will not wait for him, and I will give him the space he needs. It is just very difficult to accept and I’m really hurting. Having never been on the other side it is very hard for me to understand where he is coming from, but that doesn’t mean I do not respect or allow him his wishes.

Hang in there. I dont know for sure but him wanting to be alone right now is the same as - not wanting you.

How you handle your part going forward may determine the outcome.

Try to stay positive, open and get busy with your life.

Let us know what happens.

[catfeeder]

You've responded to his request in the best way possible, and my heart goes out to you. Are you living together? Was he married before he met you, and if so, how long has it been since his divorce was finalized? Has he been in a long term relationship, and if so, how long since his last breakup before he started seeing you?

 

I ask because of the speed with which you mention that you both fell in love and became inseparable. There could be a 'too-much-too-soon' factor going on that's been amplified by his grief.

[Blonde1993]

You've responded to his request in the best way possible, and my heart goes out to you. Are you living together? Was he married before he met you, and if so, how long has it been since his divorce was finalized? Has he been in a long term relationship, and if so, how long since his last breakup before he started seeing you?

 

I ask because of the speed with which you mention that you both fell in love and became inseparable. There could be a 'too-much-too-soon' factor going on that's been amplified by his grief.

 

We are currently living together and it’s a tricky atmosphere. He was not married before i met him, he had left a long term relationship 6 months or so prior. They ended amicably as they wanted different things. Do you think that would impact his feelings on our situation? Today I have woken up and am in a much stronger place. I want the holiday out the way and I want him to move out.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, ask him to move out asap. He can't just live in your place and cocoon himself. You should not put yourself in a position to have to walk on eggs in your own home. Unfortunately agree the grief thing is perhaps a factor but the main thing is that he has lost interest. Never let someone move into your place this quickly. Where did he live before? Ask him to return there asap. Go on vacation with friends and end this. He's just coasting along at the expense of your peace of mind.

We are currently living together and it’s a tricky atmosphere. I want the holiday out the way and I want him to move out.

[Blonde1993]

Wiseman- he lived with his Dad before, but spent a lot of time at mine, so although it was soon it felt like the right thing he should move with me, and when I voiced my concerns it was soon or may change things he said it was what he wanted and that it wouldn’t. I have just booked a festival with my friends, and we are booking a holiday for July, so I am making my own plans and focusing on myself. Since starting this thread i no longer think it is solely the grief either, I think he had lost interest and I had mistaken the signs for grief.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, excellent. Let him move back there so you can reflect in peace about what you want out of this or relationships in general. At this point he's just a house guest who has overstayed his welcome. Excellent you are enjoying your friends and social life. Let him mope and be silent around his own people rather than while enjoying your hospitality..

he lived with his Dad before, but spent a lot of time at mine, so although it was soon it felt like the right thing he should move with me,

[Blonde1993]

I am unsure if any of the commenters will be notified of this post, but I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to comment on my thread, it has been eye opening, brutal, interesting and also very helpful to hear strangers points of views and advice. I am glad I found this forum. I will update in weeks to come

[catfeeder]

he had left a long term relationship 6 months or so prior.

 

This is the issue. Rebounders tend to rush into things because they're running 'from' being alone. They either heal-then-bolt after a speech about what a terrific person you are, but they really should have taken more time to be single and now need to 'find themselves,' or they realize they can run but not hide, and their unhealed places catch up with them. Your guy's grief over his parents has amplified either of these scenarios, and this confirms your gut feeling about allowing him to rush into things prematurely.

 

It's never wise to take the word of a rebounder that they're 'fine' and ready to date again, much less become instant relationship material. This is not because they're dishonest, but because they have lousy judgment. They're running an unconscious agenda, and so it's up to us to be the sane one and take ourselves off of the table as a possibility to enable this. Instead we can preserve future potential by saying, "I really like you and can picture the two of us dating in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to take all the time you need to stabilize into the single life, and if you want to contact me in 6 months to a year, we can meet to catch up if Im still available. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

It makes no sense to involve yourself with anyone who wants to rush with you within a year or so after a long term breakup. Assurances means squat, because they're not coming from a place of stability. A rebounder wants to feel better, and if you doubt that it will be at your expense because things seem so magical, remind yourself of what happens to a bandage after a wound is healed.

 

Head high, and get him out of your home as quickly as possible. Make it a priority, and you will thank yourself later.

 

I am unsure if any of the commenters will be notified of this post, but I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to comment on my thread, it has been eye opening, brutal, interesting and also very helpful to hear strangers points of views and advice. I am glad I found this forum. I will update in weeks to come

 

You're welcome, and head high. Most of us have stumbled into rebound territory at some point, and we've survived. It's like a rite of passage, only it feels lousy until we feel confident again for the lesson learned.