10 years together: he says he’s not in love with me

[Starlight925]

Not enough for me. My parents were married for 64 years, and they were still in love with one another.

 

She is in love with him, he is not with her. Plus, she wants marriage. That will never happen. Different strokes.

 

Mine too, Holly. 64 years actually, until my mom's passing this year. My dad has been grieving like nobody's business. He misses her like crazy, and he showed his love for her constantly. He was more in love with her, in her final gray years, walker-bound, on meds, in and out of hospitals, than the first day they met.

 

I couldn't live with anything less.

 

Anything less is just.....a roommate.

[DancingFool]

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments. I didn’t start out in this relationship looking for marriage. He really is quite wonderful apart from his marriage phobia. I will probably stay with him because I love him and I love the life we’ve built together. He does love me and cares for me in many ways. I am financially secure apart from him. I welcome any other suggestions you might have.

 

Then my only pragmatic suggestion would be that you two talk about what happens in case of illness, hospitalization and talk to a lawyer about giving each other legal access. If he gets sick, you'll have no information and no say or access to him if you are not a relative unless you have a document granting access. Same goes for him if you get sick. Basically, in the event of something catastrophic, what happens and how you two can manage things.

[abitbroken]

If this guy was madly in love with her, but didn't see marriage as something he wanted to do - i might tell her to decide if she is happy being not married to him. If she was a young woman and in her childbearing years, I would tell her to leave if he didn't marry her. If she was not, i would ask her to weigh her options and whatever she chose she chose because the guy was clearly head over heels and was just an old hippie as far as his commitment views perhaps.

 

But since he is *not* "in love" - she deserves so much more. If she live with a brother or friend she would be getting everything the same except for sex -- companionship to not come home to an empty house, to go to a movie with someone now an again.

 

I was married to someone who was not in love with me. I was just "good for now". It wasn't like he was in love an it faded - i found out he never was. It was very demoralizing and sad. I was glad, in retrospect, that he left me. Now i am with someone who is in love with me.

[DancingFool]

Given his life history of never committing to anyone, I'm taking his language with a grain of salt. I think he loves her as much as he is capable and the not in love part is his way of telling her he isn't marriage minded, never was, never will be. I do think he has some emotional issues and perhaps can only be a good partner when he can maintain that bit of "distance".

 

If the OP feels that the relationship is good, loving, and worth keeping, I'm not going to second guess her feelings about that. She knows her truth and how things are between them better than anyone here. Outside of the marriage topic, sounds like her relationship is happier on a day to day basis than many marriages. Since she also says that she is financially sound and independent of him that way, then I'd say why throw out the baby with the bathwater. Enjoy the life and the companionship they have and no need to create stress. If it lasts then it lasts, if it doesn't, it won't regardless. No guarantees when it comes to relationships. Ironically, it's already lasted plenty.

[Karen54321]

Given his life history of never committing to anyone, I'm taking his language with a grain of salt. I think he loves her as much as he is capable and the not in love part is his way of telling her he isn't marriage minded, never was, never will be. I do think he has some emotional issues and perhaps can only be a good partner when he can maintain that bit of "distance".

 

I may be being unwise, even foolish, but this guy is worth it. Yes, his history is a big red flag, and I’ve known that all along, but our relationship is the longest he’s ever had, and I’m the only woman he’s lived with. This relationship is different for both of us. He may be incapable of loving me or anyone up until now. I’m willing to put in the time and nurturing and effort and acceptance to help him learn to love.

 

Some have questioned why I started this thread. Honestly, I was in pain, confusion, even despair. I needed your support and help to try to get my head around what he said. I’m grateful for the advice and other comments.

 

If we break up, I don’t want it to be because I gave up on him. He is the smartest, kindest, most honest man I’ve ever known. Some have said that there are lots of guys out there... Not like this one. I want to work through this and so does he. We’ve been to couples counseling and we should probably do it again.