I'm so jealous and moody

[kittykate]

Me and my boyfriend have a great relationship. We love each other deeply and know that we want to be with each other for a long time. It's great being with him, but there's one problem. Me. I can be so moody at times and cause arguments for no reason, I can also be jealous when he goes out with his friends. I've got books on this and read them, and what it's down to is my self-esteem, I don't feel like I'm good enough for him and I test him as well (by falling out with him and then he comes back and reassures me). He comforts me and assures me that I am good enough for him, that I'm pretty etc etc etc. I don't feel pretty though, not all the time, I feel fat. I am fat. I want to get out of this vicious cycle cos it's gonna destroy our relationship. I'm getting better, and I know I shouldn't be like that but I really can't help it. I want it to stop now! Has anyone got any advice for me? I've read the books and now I'm turning to the net for more help. What can I do to stop this?

K xx

[DragonGirl724]

if you forget what you read in the book for one minute, what does your gut tell you is the issue? what upsets you the most? the fact hes out having fun with other people...or the fact that youre not?

 

i was you before (getting upset when i culdnt see my BF) & it caused a lot of grief. and it was when i didnt go out w/ my buds as much, when he did. so ask yourself; hows your social network? i think that if you go out with your frineds while hes out with his itll help get your mind off things and make you feel more independent & have your own life outside of your relationship.

 

youre not a bad person though for this understand that. some girls get jealous of their BF's friends, family & even their CARS!!! most females look at their men's pleasurable objects in their lives (friends, cars, videogames etc) as a form of "competition". some girls want to be the sun in their man's universe. all things should revolve around them, they want to be the greatest sourse or happiness for their men, they want to feel needed, wanted & loved at all times & if anything gets in the way of that & the girl doesnt feel like the ULTIMATE SOURSE OF HAPPINESS to their man anylonger...even if its just for a day or a couple of hours! they get jealous, insecure & they start doubting themselves.

 

at the end of my last relationship i got jealous, & started noticing insecurity issues. but i was blinded to the real reasonings behind my actions & irritable moods...i didnt know why but i felt like i was losing him. i felt he was happier without me & all this other stuff...do you feel this way? do you think these mood swings are in a way sensing something that may not have fully surfaced at this moment? like subconscious feelings of losing him? hencing why you fight, & when he comes back to make up it makes you feel reassured that it ISNT breakup time...?

 

does any of this make sense? lol let me know what you think.

 

-DG724

[QTpie87]

I used to be that way with my ex. It's not something easily gotten rid of. He didn't know I was ever jealous cause I never said anything and Now im glad I didn't. One of the people he would go out with was both or our friend (michael) and I felt really bad I ever got jealous about him because he was also one of my best friends and he ended up getting in a car wreck and dieing. I'm not saying that would happen to any of your bf's friends, but he does need to spend time with them too. Plus if you get too much of eachother you will end up getting tired of eachother and it wont be as fun anymore.

[sisterlynch]

Do things that you like that are healthy for you, eventually he will get sick of going out, especially if he is always coming home to a hot gf!!

 

The more healthy that you can become in mind and in body, then the more attractive that you will be to everyone.

 

Flirt with other men, and make sure that he knows that you are doing it...

 

Try to cultivate more of a friendship with him than just you being sad and him cheering you up, take a real interest in his hobbies.

[DragonGirl724]

getting your man jealous of you flirting with other men is a problem waiting to happen.

 

this issue of yours needs to be dealt with internally. find the root of the problem & nip it in the bud.

 

-DG724

[kittykate]

Oh my god! Everything made sense, Dragongirl. Everything. I'm so scared of losing him. He says to me "you are so scared of losing me you dont even realise that subconsciously you are pushing me away". I lost him once a while ago, we split up and moved on, but then we got back together six/seven months later. I remember how it felt losing him last time and I am scared that that's gonna happen again.

 

I know I shouldnt feel that way, but I do, most things in our relationship are pointing towards the future. It's just me lagging, scared. I don't get why I feel this way, he wants to be with me. We are even moving in together in September. Doesn't that prove it's me he wants to be with? I mean, other than a ring on my finger how much more proof could I get?

 

I think you are right telling me to look at my own social networks. I don't have many friends. I'm quite quiet and find making friends hard. I do have friends, but don't go out much with them. Maybe I should start seeing them more. Perhaps if I had more of a social life and me and James were apart more then our relationship would be a lot better. I wouldn't be jealous of him going out with his mates cos I'd be out with my own!

 

Thank you so much for replying to me, it feels so good knowing that I'm not the only person in the world to be like me.

 

K xxx

[DragonGirl724]

youre welcome kittykate,

 

it is said that we create what we fear the most...you fear losing him & what you are doing in all actuallity is making that exactly happen. its good you found this forum & got some of the reassurance you need that you are NOT a basket case. work on your social life & im sure you will gain confidence back into YOURSELF & have a very successful happy relationship.

 

-DG724

[kittykate]

aww thanks, I'm definitely gonna do that and then I think we will be ok.

 

k xxx

[sisterlynch]

If you don't want me to comment on what you are saying, why don't you extend the same pleasure to me??

 

BTW I said flirt, which is talking and smiling and making friends, but maybe you read more into it???

[DragonGirl724]

aww thanks, I'm definitely gonna do that and then I think we will be ok.

 

k xxx

 

good for you girl. im sure you will just fine. jealousy is a self inflicted issue, and once you see that its a problem you can resolve it. and you will. best of luck with everything.

 

-DG724

[DN]

I agree with DragonGirl about how to deal with this. I also agree with her about flirting with other guys. No matter how innocent it may look, it is game playing and I doubt he will appreciate it. He could either misunderstand and think you are pushing him away, or he understand exactly what is happening and not be impressed.

[sisterlynch]

It isn't just gamesmanship, I really think that it helps women's self esteem to do as men do for better or worse. He obviously knew that she was in the store with him, so if he was just standing there staring at some girls derrier, he knew that he was going to be caught, right?

 

I am not saying, just firt and pretend that there is no tomorrow, but if she tried to flirt, maybe not with some guy that is married or in a relationship, but if she works with the enemy, so to speak, she will build up her confidence a lot better then she will turning to us or her own girlfriends, who may be less than supportive as well.

 

There is not a right answer in this case. My husband is in his late 30's and he is just now learning to control himself in public, so she isn't going to tame him over night, and like with most men -- it isn't a one shot and you are done kind of change, getting the man to be calm under pressure is a life-long adventure. there are plenty of marriages who do nothing and fail. He is clearly showing her that he has a wandering eye, and now she knows.

 

What she does is up to her.

 

If she is afraid to flirt, and what will that lead to, then she is really barking up the wrong tree. We need to live out our fantacies when we are young, then put those fantacies behind us when we are married. Married life is a bond between man and woman, and he shouldn't be staring at some chick in the supermarket, or if he does, he should give her a tip...

[DN]

My husband is in his late 30's and he is just now learning to control himself in public, so she isn't going to tame him over night, and like with most men -- it isn't a one shot and you are done kind of change, getting the man to be calm under pressure is a life-long adventure. there are plenty of marriages who do nothing and fail.

 

Control himself in public? Tame him? Change him? Getting him to be calm under pressure?

 

He's a man - not a dog. Why not put him on a leash and train him to come to heel? I suspect there are far more marriages that have failed because of demeaning and controlling behaviour such as this.

[sisterlynch]

You should know....

 

I am only telling her what will work. It does work. The man showed her how to behave, remember the golden rule??

 

Did she do something that she should be ashamed of, and that is the reason for the man's lack of consideration??

 

Yes, some people are spoiled by life and end up acting like dogs, yes, it is true, you know it is!!

 

You have some reasoning skills under all that pretty hair -- don't ya??

[DN]

It may work on your husband - there are a few men who enjoy that sort of thing and look for women who enjoy doing it.

 

The rest of us prefer to treat our partners as equals and be treated the same way. In the case of the poster, her man has already demonstrated that he won't be pushed around. I doubt he would fall for the sort of games you are suggesting either.

[DragonGirl724]

i agree with DN. i dont play games like that w/ my man. nor would i expect that kind of bahavior from him. it sends the wrong signals. i think in a relationship, be yourself, find confidence on your own, not by flirting w/ other people in front of your man, if anything that looks more insecure than it does confident. whatever floats your boat but at least the member who created this post got the answer she was looking for.

 

-DG724

[Luciana]

youre not a bad person though for this understand that. some girls get jealous of their BF's friends, family & even their CARS!!! most females look at their men's pleasurable objects in their lives (friends, cars, videogames etc) as a form of "competition". some girls want to be the sun in their man's universe. all things should revolve around them, they want to be the greatest sourse or happiness for their men, they want to feel needed, wanted & loved at all times & if anything gets in the way of that & the girl doesnt feel like the ULTIMATE SOURSE OF HAPPINESS to their man anylonger...even if its just for a day or a couple of hours! they get jealous, insecure & they start doubting themselves.

 

Some women are afraid their BF's will get more satisfaction from some other source (a friend, a relative, a car or boat) because they are scared that he might find out that life can be ok without them. I have heard more men say that they would do well alone and don't need a woman than the reverse.

 

Also, this enormous insecurity some suffer (which I am also guilty of) can be caused by a man who is probably more shut down emotionally-he will not tell her he loves her, he will be secretive about many things, he will not be as affectionate as she would like him to be.

 

Flirting is good for one's ego, but should remain as such. Nothing more than that and never to be used as a weapon against the BF. For jealous women, realizing that other men may have interest in them improves their self worth.

 

The most controversial book I ever read about relationships said that women who are too obsessed with a man should get a lover. That "hobby" can take the focus out of their man. It may be that these women cannot get any satisfaction out of other hobbies and derive their self esteem from a man's approval of her-maybe something that has to do with their childhoods.

 

It is not easy to learn NOT to be jealous. I wish they invented a anti-jealousy pill. Anti-anxiety drugs might alleviate the problem, as some anti-depressants.

 

One thing to note: relationships change over time. I have heard more than once that women who were very jealous of their partners once married became more confortable and safe. What happened next is that the man became more jealous of her (his "property" now), and when they man becomes more jealous it turns the woman off-thereforeeee she wants to cheat. That's why so many women leave their husbands.

 

Women are taught to be more relationship oriented since young. MEn are taught to derive their pleasure from accomplishments, toys, sports. That's why it seems to me there are more needy women than men.

[ecg1228]

I just read the posts and the great replies... to make a long story short my b/f of 1.5 years left me last Saturday night over my jealousy and trust issues. I have been crying everyday since He couldn't stand it any more and it caused him great pain to leave me, but he said that he had to. He felt imprisoned. I had been hurt in a previous relationship very badly and was fearful or getting hurt again so I think that I felt I had more control if I always questioned him and kept him on his toes. WRONG. The thing I realized later was - it was more than trust issues as well...I sometimes seemed to get jealous when he went to see his family all evening, talked about what a friend said. In those situations I wouldn't act jealous but I felt it. Wow, I definitely had a problem. Dragongirl nipped a lot of this on the bud in her first post. I personally think some of it had to do with abandonment issues - my family lives out of state so he was my only "family" and support system.

 

I was warned by friends when me and b/f had a bad fight about my trust issues a month ago. My one guy friend said it would drive him away if I kept it up. He was right; it finally did. I just want to say girls - take care of jealousy issues before you voice them (unless you have a legitimate reason to think something is going on).

[DragonGirl724]

ecg,

 

im sorry you are feeling so low about everything. i know how you guys feel b/c i was you once. and i understand where youre coming from & how it can consume you. and you hate every minute of it & you dont feel like yourself feeling it, but something is making you feel this jealousy, needy, clingy, kind of feeling & you know its not good but your gut is just making you think & feel this way. the best part about this is that you can realize it now & stop it. i know youll be ok. time heals all wounds. and if you are smart about it you will learn from it all & i think you all have. best of luck to you & take my word; the heartache will cease. trust me on that . and you will emerge from this a better person from when you started.

 

-DG724