flirting, leads to more, should I ........

[vfunny]

I have been working with someone now for awhile, and we really get along. We are both attracted to each other physically, and intellectually..but we're both married. we have flirted now for about a year, gone out for lunch, never any "real" contact....

 

We flirt alot, and joke with each other, sexually and really enjoy it. We both want to stay with our partners, but we can't stop meeting each other for more and more flirting...

 

now he mentioned one day that we should go out for lunch. He mentioned by e-mail a name of a hotel...now up till now we have joked aroung and even teased each other of such things but it was always a mutual agreement in a way that, that would never happen. So I kind of ignored it, and he just mentioned a restaurant that we should go to.

So we had lunch and did not discuss any further, although I really wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me..

 

Now I find out that he is being transferred to Europe for two years. ..I'm very happy for him, but will miss him like crazy...I know what is on his mind, and I really want to be with him before he goes....

 

What to you think, should I spend the night with him???

[melrich]

No surprise about the responses you will get to this question.

 

I don't think you should take things any further with this person. You are asking for a world of trouble.

[chai714]

What to you think, should I spend the night with him???

 

Yes, you should spend the night with him...but not until after you divorce your husband.

[smallworld]

OK, try this experiment. Take your post and everywhere it says "I", substitute the phrase "My husband." Wherever it says "We", substitute the word "They" and change every "He" into a "She." Then tell yourself if you think its okay.

[melrich]

That's very, very good smallworld.

[vfunny]

firstly you guys are acting like no one has ever had a fling... let's get real. I mean these things happen all the time. I'm not saying it's right, but how many people do you know that are loyal to their spouses, most are not, and who's to say that our spouses are faithful???

 

Have any of you ever felt so strongly about another person. It doesnt mean you don't love your spouse, it just means that you care about another person.

[smallworld]

Thanks Richgabe! 8)

 

Vfunny, In reality it doesn't matter what we think. It's your choice and your consequences. But I do think it's strange that you're asking us to validate a choice we don't agree with. Your post wasn't about your "feelings," it was about whether or not you should act on them. If you want validation, google key words: cheaters, affairs.

 

Have any of you ever felt so strongly about another person. It doesnt mean you don't love your spouse, it just means that you care about another person.

 

I have, but here's how I chose to deal with those feelings -

 

 

[RandomAdvisor]

It's obvious to me you came to this board looking for confirmation. You were hoping to have people tell you, "It's no big deal if it's only one time. Go ahead and do it." This board is occupied by people who have either been cheated on, or cheaters who regret their actions. You came to the wrong place lady.

 

Now you're pretty much saying, "Everyone else is doing it, so why can't I?" BECAUSE IT'S STILL #%^&ING WRONG, THAT'S WHY!

 

Smallworld made a great point perfectly, and you conveniently failed to address it. If you walked in on your husband having sex with another woman and he said, "It's not what you think honey! It's only a one time fling!", would you then say "Oh, ok. Carry on."? No you wouldn't. You'd be furious! And rightfully so.

 

If you assume you're husband has or is cheating on you, or caught him cheating on you in the past, and you're using that as a justification for sleeping with another man - you're in a seriously twisted marrige and need to either seek counseling or get a divorce.

 

Are we allowed to care for other people when we're in a relationship? Sure. Even members of the other sex? Absolutely. Does that mean it's ok for you to have sex with this other man? HELL NO!! Besides, what happens to your whole "one time fling" when he returns from Europe in two years? Do you honestly think you're going to go back to the way it was before with him and never have sex again? Are you going to stay out of contact with him when he leaves for Europe? If you sleep with him I bet one of you starts e-mailing the other one within a week of him leaving. By the way, the flirting with him is already emotional cheating and bad enough. Does your husband know about this man and your lunches with him? Would you be ok with your husband going to lunch with another woman often and flirting with her?

 

Hypocrite.

[sidhat]

I think you just want to make ur mind clear and want more confident on what you want to do.. I would say If a person thinks abt cheating on some1 thats enough .. I know at the end you will think Its my life and I know better wat to do for myself..

 

Cheating is bigest sin for a relatioship..

And Hate the sin and love the Siner... sounds not good.

[vfunny]

ok, I get the mesasge, you don't have to bite my head off... I'm not saying it's right, I just wanted some opinions...obviously I'm way over my head here, but I just can't stop thinking of this other man.

 

Like I said, I still want to be with my husband, but I'm drawn to this other man, and I can't seem to escape him...yes wanting to be with him, sexullay is wrong...I know, and I haven't done anything yet....I guess I'm afraid of what I might do..if put in that position... sorry if it it came accross as asking for confirmation, my mistake.. but I guess the real issue here is how to forget about this man, and as some_guy282 mentioned, he will contact me by e-mail all the time...and I will reply to him....

 

I'm finding it really hard to try and get this other man out of my thoughts....

[RandomAdvisor]

You made a mistake the moment you began flirting with him. That's how it starts off, innocently enough... but it starts you on a road that eventually leads to having sex with him.

 

Is there anything missing from your marrige that is drawing you to this other man?

 

I think you should be upfront with this guy. Tell him you're flattered by the mutual attraction, but you love your husband and don't want to ruin your marrige. Tell him you think it's best the two of you don't contact each other at all once he's gone AND THEN STICK TO IT. If he sends you any e-mails, ignore them. Add his e-mail address to your block list, or change your e-mail address if you have to. Also tell him that when he returns, there is to be no more flirting or lunches together anymore. That will just start you on the path to temptation again. He's your coworker, and that's it. Your relationship with him should be 100% professional. Your only contact with him should be work related.

[codaaurora]

I can't believe that you used the "Everybody else is doing it..." defense.

 

Either way, the best way to stop thinking about his guy is to start focusing on your husband. You're being selfish, spending all this time thinking about someone that you basically don't love, and are in LUST with. Why not try to find ways to be in LUST with your husband? Why not try to rediscover your husband? Suggest romantic mini getaways. Go to a hotel one night after dinner and drinks, make out in the car after a movie, run around naked in your home and play tag.

 

Basically, your wasting/expending all this energy on a man that has not loved and supported you with complete trust that you are doing the same for him(as your husband has).

[vfunny]

well I always try to focus on my husband, but he's not really the romantic type, actually not at all. He works all of the time (so he says) so I barely see him, and when I do he's usually thinking about work. I don't know for sure that he's faithful.. He travels a lot, entertains a lot of visitiors for work, so he's home late a lot of the time. He always makes comments like " for men, it's not such a big deal if they sleep with another woman, it doesn't really mean anything, and most men don't think about it, they just do it, married or not, so we have a lot of discussion about this topic.

 

I guess that I have gone ahead and flirted with this other man, maybe out of anger, I don't know for sure. Maybe, I'm just missing the attention from husband. We have been married for 9 yrs, so maybe this is what happens after being married for awhile, I don't know...

[tiger_lilies]

It sounds like you are obviously lacking certain needs at home, attention from your husband, hence why you have consciencely/unconsciencely sought attention from someone else.

 

I suggest that you go to marriage counseling. Tell you husband that you are starting to have a wandering eye and hopfully that will snap him back to reality that your marriage needs work.

 

As for the co-worker, the only way for you to get him out of your head is to cut all contact with him. As someone else suggested, don't answer his e-mails or any have any sort of communication with him. Otherwise you are just adding fuel to the fire.

 

The root of your emotional cheating starts at home with your husband. Because you are feeling ignored, you seek attention elsewhere. Work on your marrige, remember your vows. Marriage is hard, but that's what you signed up for.

[RandomAdvisor]

well I always try to focus on my husband, but he's not really the romantic type, actually not at all. He works all of the time (so he says) so I barely see him, and when I do he's usually thinking about work. I don't know for sure that he's faithful..

 

Was this the situation when you married him? What did you see in him then that made you decide to commit to spend the rest of your life with him? What can you do now to get that feeling back?

 

Also, I don't know if you've mentioned it before or not, but do you have any children with him? Just curious.

[vfunny]

We are high school sweethearts, so it didn't start out like this. Only the last couple of years have been like this. He still says he loves me, and coudn't live without me, but is married more to his work than me.

I try all of the time to "get the feeling back" but his thoughts are always about "money", and says "there is no life without money"

 

Children, well I have been talking about having children, but he's stalling, again stating that he has too much stress, and not enough money, although we are not doing badly. He's just not interested at this time..what do you say to that??? I will get to the point eventually where this will certainly become an issue.

 

Right now I guess the only person that makes me feel good, is my co-worker, and some of you for reading all of this......and giving me suggestions/opinions......

[RandomAdvisor]

You need to confront your husband and make him understand the way you are feeling. If things go on as they are eventually your marrige is going to end one way or the other. Now it's your co-worker you're tempted by. A few months from now, it might be someone else. Or, you can stay with your husband and probably be even more unhappy than you are now in the long run.

 

The root cause is you are unhappy with your marrige. You may have brought things up to your husband before, but he either doesn't understand how serious it is to you or he doesn't care. I'm assuming he doesn't understand, because if he does and still wont change then he's just a selfish $%^# and your marrige with him is screwed in the long run anyway.

 

I suggest you sit down, have a talk with him, and get some marrige counseling together. You might want to tell your co-worker to do the same, because something is obviously missing from his marrige as well. Speaking of the co-worker, have you spoken to him about any of this recently? When is he going to Europe?

 

Let us know as things develop, good luck...

[codaaurora]

I'm going to have to agree with Someguy here.

 

You know, when my ex and I first broke up (I did the initial break up), I told him that he just seemed more interested in getting ahead in life than spending some of his life with me. That he would bury himself in his studies/work or whatever and just let life pass him by no matter how I tried to get his attention.

 

Do you know what he told me? That he wished I would have told him all that to begin with because he was doing all that for ME. He was driving himself to make more money to help make me feel more secure about our future and that he was stressing himself out over it and now he learns that I wasn't as concerned as he thought. He was VERY upset about this and couldn't understand why I couldn't just TELL him instead of trying to showing him that I was missing him/lonely.

 

I was flabbergasted! I thought I was "telling" but I guess I wasn't. You know, men interpret things different than women do, they "speak" a different language than we do. Maybe reading Mars and Venus books might help, I know that they helped me, even though it's too little to late for our relationship, but maybe not for the future.

 

Tell him that you need to have a talk with him and then TELL HIM EVERYTHING. Maybe not that you have been carrying on a semi-platonic "affair" but that you are beginning to think about other men and you want to be thinking only of him.

[aprillynnn]

I am married myself, and met another man in a similar situation and you can look up that story under my postings if you would like. My advice might not be the right advice but I missed out on my oppurtuinty to have that moment of intense passion and I have never forgiven myself. I love my husband alot but it was something I wanted so deeply. If you feel this strongly about it I think you'll always regret not doing it but you better think if the repercussions that could follow, the stronger feelings that may follow, the possibility of being caught, the hurt you could cause your husband.... Theres no easy way solve your dilemma. Your head tells you no for all the right reasons buy your heart tells you yes....

 

My grandma told me to take a sheet of paper write down all the pro and cons to each senario, throw it away and follow my heart....

[codaaurora]

I completely disagree with this. Totally and utterly. No offense to you aprillynn, however, when you took the vows you promised to remain faithfull. You did this in the eyes of God and of the State. I can understand following your heart, but that is only meant for people who are free to do so. Someone who is married is not free to do so in anybodies eyes except for the person that is trying to condone their own selfish behaviour/lusts.

 

That's exactly what it is. That's all it is. That's saying..."I want this and to heck with the consequences or how you feel or anybody else". If you were free to make these choices that's one thing. But being MARRIED you have now got more than yourself to be responsible to. Anyone who believes any differently should not have entered into Marriage in the first place.

[Hope75]

I have to say that before you waste another minute thinking about sleeping with another man what you should be doing in working with your husband on why you aren't having your needs met at home and what to do about that.

 

Marriage is not something that should be taken lightly. You took vows to be faithful to this man for the rest of your life.

 

The guy at work also took vows with his wife.

 

You both should maintain your dignity and integrity, self respect and respect for your spouses and knock it off.

 

I think it's the best thing for both of you that the guy is leaving before you get yourselves in real trouble.

 

Focus on your marriage and what it's lacking and how to get it back on track, unless you are looking to be another of the 52% of marriages that end in divorce.

 

How would you feel if your husband cheated on you?

 

And the "everybody does it" excuse is a cop out. We're not talking about anybody but you, and you know it's wrong.