Xmas/NY 2018*

[pippy longstocking]

you're a treasure pip*

 

i'm here too.

 

How about a group hug for all of us abandonment survivors*

 

carus*

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( massive hug ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

xxxxx

[askltk]

This may be a little early but I wanted to put this up as we head into the end of the year.

 

This post is mainly for those who were left, not for those who broke it off...

 

For many of you this will be the first Xmas/NY without your expartner and is a difficult part of the year. This will be my 2nd. It won't be as bad as last year but it still makes me a bit edgy.

 

Just know that this will come and go just like every other day of the year. Unless your ex is a complete robot, and depending on how long you were together, there is little doubt that they too may feel your absence through Xmas, so take solace in that....

 

HOWEVER, I wouldn't use this period as an excuse to break contact either and here are a few further thoughts on that:

 

Should I Wish My Ex For Xmas or New Year?

 

First thing to do is ask yourself these two questions: (Do I miss my ex? Do I still want to get back together with them?)

 

If you answer Yes to those questions, I wouldn't break NC at this time.

 

The reason being is that you will be doing it with expectations attached. You will then start checking your phone, FB, Insta etc to see if they reply. This will cause you un-needed anxiety.

 

It will very most likely also NOT lead to the outcome you are wanting. If an ex wants to come back they will have to come to that decision on their own. You cannot (and should not) try to manipulate the situation because again you will just be causing yourself anxiety....

 

They may reply "Thanks. Same to you"....or they may not even reply at all....Which leaves you where?

 

If you answered NO to the above questions then do whatever you feel is right. But if you answered No to those questions then you probably wouldn't even be thinking about this.

 

Won't My Ex Be Upset If I Don't Wish Them?

 

Hey maybe. But they broke up with you so that is on them.

 

What If My Ex Contacts Me For Xmas/NY?

 

If you answered Yes to those two questions then you'll probably jump at the fact a message has come in. You will then most likely start over analyzing the message and how you should respond etc.....

 

I would not advocate ignoring them or playing any mind games like that to make them miss you etc. That will not work either....It might, but you will also start pacing the room wondering whether you should reply or not.....

 

NB: If it was an abusive relationship or if there was cheating involved then you have every right to ignore it...although you should have them blocked anyway if that was the case.

 

I would just wait half an hour or so if it's a text, or longer if it's a social media message and just reply "Thanks. Same to you"........That's it.....

 

You could throw in a "How are you?" and see if that opens up communication but don't expect it to go much further than that or a couple of texts....And then you'll be back to dealing with the pain.....

 

It would be good to get some comments, questions and opinions on this thread but let's use it as a source of support for this upcoming time of year.

 

You are not alone. There are many of us who will be transitioning through this and again, this too will pass....

 

I'm going to try and help others through this here and here in my city too. I really feel for orphans. They see all the Xmas advertising which is always based on 'Family' and that must really upset a lot of them I'm sure.

 

Much Love.

 

Carus*

 

Thanks Carus, jumping over from the other thread and you've effectively answered my Xmas query. I do want her back, and as such I won't be breaking NC - for all those reasons you've noted. I would want a reaction. I would want to hear from her. It would cause anxiety checking the phone throughout the day and not focusing on my family.

 

Merry Christmas

[pippy longstocking]

Thanks Carus, jumping over from the other thread and you've effectively answered my Xmas query. I do want her back, and as such I won't be breaking NC - for all those reasons you've noted. I would want a reaction. I would want to hear from her. It would cause anxiety checking the phone throughout the day and not focusing on my family.

 

Merry Christmas

 

Good for you buddy ...

 

Merry Christmas x

[pippy longstocking]

Just leaving a Merry Chritsmas for you Carus , as it will be there first for you ....you got through last year ( oh man remember that eh ) and you will get through this year . Never lose that magic my friend , you are a wonderful person xx all my love and blessings to you xxxxx

[Long Gone]

Your inspiration Carus!

 

Merry Christmas to you and thank you for the support you've give me.....I'm feeling rather good surprisingly! When I think of her, I just think back to last Christmas when I knew something was wrong...but didn't know what and the great anxiety I felt, days before she finished with me.

[Carus]

Thanks for the kind words*

 

I am GMT +8 here so yes it's basically xmas eve....and in about 6-7 hours people will be waking up to xmas day.....I'll be working.

 

I didn't sleep last night. Somehow dragged myself to work. Shed a tear somewhere there. Now at home, 2:15am.....

 

It's ok. I'm basically not going to contact the stepkids for xmas. I was there for them during the separation. I did both their birthdays. But now sadly I need to leave it all behind....for now....

 

I haven't heard from them either so I'm sure they've moved on with their own lives now. I'm glad I stayed in contact with them initially to help them through it as well, but I'm sure they're fine now....

 

She's now with her new guy...He's got 4 kids of his own....so I'm sure they'll be having a very Brady xmas*

 

Anyway, I have to push on with my healing and putting things in place for my own life going forward....

 

And when it comes to that stuff, xmas/NY is just another day to get through.

 

The sun will rise. The sun will set. And a new day will be borne*

 

Take this time to reflect and be grateful for the things you DO have....

 

If you're here then you have internet...and probably a roof over your head....and fingers to type with....and food on the table etc etc....There are many things to be grateful for if you focus on that*

 

Keep it movin' everyone*

 

Carus*

[pippy longstocking]

You did the honourable thing by keeping in touch with the stepkids ..and backing off now you sense that is needed . It is thoughtful of you in your hour of need to do the right thing Carus ... Step kids is such a hard one to navigate and yuo have done it well .

 

Try not to ruminate ( as hard as it is ) on how their Christmas is and what they are doing ...it is never how we imagine it anyway .

 

If you're here then you have internet...and probably a roof over your head....and fingers to type with....and food on the table etc etc....There are many things to be grateful for if you focus on that*[/qute]

 

That is exactly how I try and view every day , we have ot be grateful for what we have ...because tha is plenty and fulls the mind with kindness and thanks .

 

Love ya buddy x

[askltk]

So much for that! I took advice from an external source about my personal situation and he suggested that due to the lack of animosity in our breakup - a Merry Christmas message was of little harm.

 

I messaged her and got an almost instant reply - which was receptive and positive. I responded an hour later, reaffirming my best wishes. I didn’t ask any questions because I didn’t want to get into a text chat. So much so, she’s read it but hasn’t replied.

 

I feel ok about it, I had nothing to lose and it was well received.

[Carus]

Sure. No harm done buddy. Just see how you feel over the next day or so....

 

Put it aside and see what comes if anything...

 

Carus*