Proposed & broke up with me

[Lola92]

Hello!

 

I'm a 26 years old female and this is my story.

 

I met O. in the beginning of 2017. We immediately became best friends. After 3 months, I started to find him attractive. So I was like "Hey, what if we had sex?" Nothing happened. We were still friends and I went out on a date while O. stayed at my place. My date was bad. But this bad date made me realize what I wanted. I wanted O. So I rushed home and found him sleeping in my bed. I sat down next to him and he asked me to tell me about the date. I told him and we watched TV, casually hanging out. At some point we kissed and ended up having sex. Now, we were hanging out everyday from the moment we met, but after that, we were inseparable.

 

There is two important things you need to know.

1. I have zero trust in men. But O. won my heart because he is the most kindest, caring, loving, respectful man I have ever met. He worked out and was smart and sometimes he painted his nails because he didn't fear to be less of a man when he put colours on his nails. He had a smile bright as sunshine and was more than I could have ever dreamed of.

2. I have borderline.

 

So, we started dating in summer 2017. It was the best damn time. We laughed so hard, had amazing sex, trusted each other to 100% and had the same long-term goals. Eventually, we had our first fight. And things progressivly got worse because of my borderline. Which, of course, he knew about. He always supported me, talked to me so he could understand my mental illness better, he took so much time out of his day to be there for me when I was feeling low. He surprised me by showing up at my door at night because I knew I wanted to fall asleep with him. And THAT'S exactly what I have always wanted. And I didn't even had to tell him, he just did it because he felt like it.

 

My borderline started getting worse and O had some financial problems. We helped each other and supported one another wherever we could. But things got worse and I have to admit ... it was my fault. I'm so scared of losing people because of my borderline that I broke up with him every time we fought. Of course we got back together after 24 hours because breaking up with him was just a cry for help on my end. And he got it. And he still loved me with all my flaws.

 

Until one day in summer 2018 ... I don't know what exactly happened, but we had a huge fight. So later we talked on the phone and he told me he loved me, but he wasn't in love with me anymore. That absolutely broke my heart.

 

Fast forward to September 2018. Everything was quite rocky and on edge but at the same time we were so committed to each other and planning a future together. Actually, he wanted to propose to me in December 2017 but I told him no. Not because I didn't want to marry him, but because I thought he wanted to propose to me in front of my whole family.

 

He proposed to me end of September 2018. A week later, he broke up with me. He said he can't do this any longer. That we are not good for each other. That he still loved me and wanted a future with me, but that he wanted to be completely alone and talk to nobody. Ever since then, we haven't talked. Before we lost touch, he said he would like to get to know me again. Start from point zero. In 2019. He said he would like to take me out for coffee in about 6 months.

 

I ed up. Real bad. As much as I loved him, I wasn't a good girlfriend. He deserves better. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I want him to smile again and live a happy life. I've been in therapy for 2 years now, I've been taking medication for 2 years now. I decided to go to the psych ward for a few month to fix my stupid brain and become a better person. But that doesn't mean that he will ever forgive me or ... that I will ever forgive myself for the way I treated him.

 

What is your opinion on my story? What should I do if he really reaches out in 2019? And what if he doesn't? Because I KNOW he is the one for me and I messed it up and my chance of ever finding someone like him again are basically zero. I just miss him. He was my best friend. My partner in crime. My fiance, even if it was just a week ...

[mollymcdonald]

Hey. It sounds like you have been on a rocky road personally and with this relationship. I think you should leave him in the past and move forward in your life taking all the lessons you have learned and put them into a new relationship. There is no point in opening up old wounds. There's too much water under the bridge for you guys imo.

[MissCanuck]

If you have been in therapy, I would explain what happened to your therapist and get his or her advice on it, first and foremost. Heck, you could even print out this post and have him/her read it and give you some feedback.

 

My ex also suffers from BPD, and the relationship was full of the ups and downs you describe. I wanted to make it work, knowing he was suffering and could certainly not be blamed for happening to have this particular condition. However, I'll be honest that it was incredibly draining and I eventually had to end it. I didn't (and still don't) think he's an awful person but we could not reasonably continue the relationship. It was essential for me to look out for my own emotional well-being too, and it was being greatly affected by the dynamic between us.

 

I would not hedge any bets on coffee in 6 months, and I would not plan what do to if it happens. Cross that bridge only if you come to it, reevaluate how you feel, and then decide how to proceed. For now, channel your energy into getting to an emotionally healthy place. Do it for you and your happiness. This may not mean you two ever reunite, but you will have at least found your peace. That will better facilitate any relationship you happen to embark on in the future.

[DanZee]

I would say that if you keep breaking up and getting back together, only to break up again each time, well, you know what they say the definition of insanity is - doing the same thing over and over and thinking the result will be different.

 

I'm also wondering, what were all the fights about? Arguments are about control - someone is trying to get the other person to do something they don't want to do. So who was trying to get who to do what?

 

Also I wonder if the problem in the relationship is more than just your BPD. I didn't really get a feel about what your boyfriend was all about in your post. Is it possible he has a disorder as well. It doesn't sound like he is very supportive. If he knows you have BPD why is he arguing with you? It seems like he's feeding into problems.

 

So I understand you're attracted to him, but he doesn't seem to be good for you. I would not try to get back together with him in 6 months. Instead, I agree with the other posters and suggest you work on yourself and work on moving on and finding someone who is more supportive of you than he is.

[Wiseman2]

It seems the transition from friends to lovers did not go smoothly. He didn't really give you a ring and propose but just said stuff to patch things up for sex. Unfortunately he never wanted anything serious.

 

Block and delete him. Focus on your health and recovery.

We were still friends and I went out on a date while O. stayed at my place. My date was bad. I rushed home and found him sleeping in my bed. ended up having sex.

 

I've been in therapy for 2 years now, I've been taking medication for 2 years now. I decided to go to the psych ward for a few month