Can’t stop thinking about him

[AlexandraNic]

I’ve fallen for my boss but don’t want to pursue it. I’m in a relationship. But I can’t get him out of my head. I think about him all the time and want to stop. I’m looking for a new job so I can cut off contact with him. But until then, how do I distance myself and remain professional? How do I stop thinking about him?

[DanZee]

Well, I think this probably ties in with your previous question about losing passion for your partner. The obsession with your boss fills an emotional gap that you have. There is no quick fix. They say the heart wants what the heart wants. All you can do is use mind over matter and force yourself to get through your day by concentrating on your work and other things, such as exercising, hanging out with friends and relatives, doing things that you find enjoyable, etc. If you can fix the problem with your partner, the obsession might go away. But even if you quit your job, you may find the same thing happen with another man.

[DeepPurple88]

^ Exactly that. Happened to me. Just stay away from him if you can.

[AlexandraNic]

I’ve been working on redirecting the energy to myself and my partner. We’re going on a little getaway soon. But these thoughts are so intrusive and troubling! I don’t fantasize about him or anything - he just pops into my head randomly.

[Awanderer]

I'm thinking you need to end your relationship. You have exactly ONE line in your first post mentioning you are in a relationship, then everything else is about your boss. The person you are supposedly in a relationship with deserves to be with someone who is totally in to them and ONLY them, not someone who is totally obsessed with someone else. Would YOU want to be with someone who is obsessing and fantasizing about someone else WHILE THEY'RE WITH YOU? Let him go.

[Wiseman2]

It's about this, not your boss.

I’m 41 and in an 18 year relationship with my partner, who is 42. I don’t know when it happened, but the passion, intimacy and connection has faded.

 

I’m worried I’m staying with him out of fear of being alone and starting over. I get irritated very easily, and am not attracted to him.

[MissCanuck]

I’ve fallen for my boss but don’t want to pursue it. I’m in a relationship. But I can’t get him out of my head. I think about him all the time and want to stop. I’m looking for a new job so I can cut off contact with him. But until then, how do I distance myself and remain professional? How do I stop thinking about him?

 

Well, how close are you to him currently?

 

Do you talk outside work? Chat about your personal lives? If so, limit any and all communication to work-related matters, and do not initiate any contact that isn't necessary for professional purposes.

 

How well do you actually know him? The image we have in our heads of how great someone is (in these situations) often simply the rose-coloured-glassses-version of who they truly are. Keep in mind that you are probably idealizing him to an extent, and comparing your partner to him in unreasonable ways based on a limited view of your object of desire.

 

As DanZee pointed out, your unhappiness in your relationship likely has a lot to do with your lusting after the boss. You are missing something in that relationship and you need to redirect your focus there, or this will probably happen again with another man in the future. It might also be time to re-evaluate the viability of your relationship altogether, if you've been checked out of it for a long time.

[Annia]

It's about this, not your boss.

 

Exactly. The boss is just a symptom of a bigger problem.