Advice - Initiating a Period of "Space" & NC

[askltk]

What Monkeynuts said is 100% right, it took me 12 months of fighting my MH issues before seeking help. I guess i just didnt want to accept what was happening to me. Shes probably been the same and now doing the right thing. The way you handled it too i think she will look back on you in a very favourable light when the dust is settled even if not for reconciliation.

 

Thanks Ninja,

 

I think you're right, i believe she's been struggling with this for a a while - certainly since I've known her. She never gave that impression, but ever since she started working in an environment that is so toxic (verbally abused on a daily basis by children who suffer from Autism) it's triggered a lot of things. She even admitted that following her incident on Friday, they (her and her mum) went into details of things that she'd kept buried for along time that pre-date me. I, of course, didn't ask.

 

I do hope she looks back at my actions in a favorable light, time will tell.

[ninjabib]

I see nothng she can use against you. You have been more than fair, well done :)

[askltk]

I see nothng she can use against you. You have been more than fair, well done :)

 

Thanks Ninja. you're posts this past week have really helped.

[ninjabib]

No problem. I have been there on the other side as i say. I wish my ex had handled it as well as you did. If she had down the line we may have been able to be friends. You handled this siutation very maturely.

[monkeynuts]

Trouble is those of us who watch people go through it just arenÂ’t equipped or understand how to deal with it.

 

Apart from being there there is nothing we can do on our own. It usually something that triggers it. In my ex it was gaining a new high profile job which carried a lot of stress.

 

ItÂ’s not easy walking away from someone you love. All you can do is take some solace that your paths may cross again in the future.

 

Look after yourself, itÂ’s repeated enough on these forums and itÂ’s hard to do. But breakups can effect your own mental health in different manners. Just take each day as they come and try remain positive

[askltk]

Trouble is those of us who watch people go through it just arenÂ’t equipped or understand how to deal with it.

 

Apart from being there there is nothing we can do on our own. It usually something that triggers it. In my ex it was gaining a new high profile job which carried a lot of stress.

 

ItÂ’s not easy walking away from someone you love. All you can do is take some solace that your paths may cross again in the future.

 

Look after yourself, itÂ’s repeated enough on these forums and itÂ’s hard to do. But breakups can effect your own mental health in different manners. Just take each day as they come and try remain positive

 

Thanks Monkey. I think the trigger is the same, her new highly stressful job as bought a lot of this to the surface. It's hard walking away, but I know it's for the right reasons. She's reaffirmed she needs space to do the "journey" on her own and I must honour that request. I'm focusing on me right now (back in the gym, spending time with family, making sure my weekends are busy), so I'm remaining positive. Our paths will cross again next year when we are to be at the same wedding of our mutual friends - but I'm looking to move on now. She knows where I am if she needs me.

[askltk]

As an update, it's been a week of NC following our chat on Sunday where we clarified our situation. We agreed last week that she needs to do this on her own and I'm honouring this. My thoughts are that if she's ready to get in touch, she will. However, I can't wait for her.

 

Today I inadvertently met up with our mutual friends (I was watching my pal play football locally to me). His fiance was there (who never comes to football) whos my Ex's friend, of which she is a bridesmaid at their wedding next year. She kept dropping in how my Ex was doing, how they spoke in the week and that she seemed ok. She then asked me if my Ex was still visiting me next week for our planned dinner....which is when I realised the Ex hadn't told her about the break up.

 

I unfortunately couldn't lie to her, so told her the truth in that we'd agreed to end it so she could focus on herself. She acted surprised that she didn't know, nor that my Ex didnt tell her. I noted I didn't want to pry any further, as I didn't think it fair. I also didn't want it to be perceived that I was checking up on her. One thing she did say prior to this was that my Ex did indeed go to her first counselling session this week, which i was pleased about. She's taking her mental health seriously and is indeed progressing with what we discussed.

 

I said some cliche things - such "i want whats best for her" & "she knows where I am if she needs me"; but in no way did i want this to be a route of communication back to my Ex. I'm a big advocate of ignorance is bliss when it comes to break ups - hence the NC. I've also logged out (but not deleted) my one social media account for the time being.

 

I actually trust the fiance a great deal and I know she wouldn't want to be in the middle of anything. She too suffers from mental issues & will be a good person for my Ex to reach out to. I did say she "could be the support that I couldn't" which sounded weak at the time, but holds some truth to it.

 

I'll admit that even though this break-up is partially my doing, it's still the right thing to do. It is having a prolonged affect on me, which I'm hoping will subside over time. This was my decision, which she later re-affirmed. I'm not a big advocate of NC, however in this circumstance I think this is the only option. I'm not interested in getting my Ex back, nor do I see NC as a ploy to try an spark some sort of re-attraction from her. I'm not contacting her because I know we don't want to hear from one another whilst she's going through this process. It's one less thing for her to worry / stress about.

[askltk]

Feeling the need to monologue, so thought it best to jot it down here.

 

I'm now day 14 of NC with the Ex and a week on from my last post. It's also been 5 weeks since I last spent time with her, which has seemed to have flown by. Whilst I don't expect her to reach out, a small part of me wants to know that she's doing ok. However, I know this i detrimental to both her recovery and my goal to utilise this time to focus on myself. She's asked for space on this journey of mental self repair and I'm abiding by this request, knowing that there is nothing I else I can do.

 

I've had people ask me if I've heard from her; when I say no they seem confused and state "that tells you all you need to know". But does it? I'm very much of the mind set that this time is being utilised in the best way for both of us - and that reaching out from either of us is counter productive. I made the decision to not contact her so she can focus on herself. I'll wait for her to reach out - but I am finding it difficult.

 

It's not that I haven't started to look inwards for improvement. I've been spending more time with a variety of friends, filling my social calendar with activities, re-igniting my exercise regime, concentrating on my new project at work as well as signing up for volunteering at my local Heritage sites to learn some more outdoor skills. I'm even considering starting a masterclass in creative writing. I'm focusing on all these things for me, but with the nagging feeling that the Ex will never reach out. I know scarcity creates demand; which is why I slowly find myself wanting to be with her - even though the end of relationship wasn't something I'd ever re-consider.

[monkeynuts]

You will find it difficult. When you make a decision to ‘back off’ It mostly doesn’t matter on the reason why. What I mean is you don’t want to do it. Of course you don’t or you wouldn’t be on here venting, writing about it.

 

ItÂ’s never easy taking a step back. Your end doing the right things. This is a journey to which you have no map, no direction. Looking within is not easy. Answers wonÂ’t magically appear. Things wonÂ’t make sense.

Someone on here told me some advice and IÂ’m starting to understand it more as time goes on.

 

ItÂ’s about sitting with yourself. Learning that youÂ’re building a muscle, that your mind will wonder- you will think and and thoughts which are perfectly fine. ItÂ’s just learning not to hold onto the thoughts for too long.

 

IÂ’m not preaching it will be easy, hell its not. IÂ’m on my own journey. Keep the no contact going. It only adds confusion to an already difficult time ( speaking from experience here )

 

Keep doing what youÂ’re doing. Each day will get easier. Some days will be a struggle. Just see this as youÂ’re doing this not just for her but mainly for yourself.

[askltk]

You will find it difficult. When you make a decision to ‘back off’ It mostly doesn’t matter on the reason why. What I mean is you don’t want to do it. Of course you don’t or you wouldn’t be on here venting, writing about it.

 

ItÂ’s never easy taking a step back. Your end doing the right things. This is a journey to which you have no map, no direction. Looking within is not easy. Answers wonÂ’t magically appear. Things wonÂ’t make sense.

Someone on here told me some advice and IÂ’m starting to understand it more as time goes on.

 

ItÂ’s about sitting with yourself. Learning that youÂ’re building a muscle, that your mind will wonder- you will think and and thoughts which are perfectly fine. ItÂ’s just learning not to hold onto the thoughts for too long.

 

IÂ’m not preaching it will be easy, hell its not. IÂ’m on my own journey. Keep the no contact going. It only adds confusion to an already difficult time ( speaking from experience here )

 

Keep doing what youÂ’re doing. Each day will get easier. Some days will be a struggle. Just see this as youÂ’re doing this not just for her but mainly for yourself.

 

Thanks again Monkey.

 

You're right, I don't really want to take this step back - but in fact I know it's right for both of us is keeping me going. It is tough; more so because I care about her and want to know she's ok. But that's not my business, for now anyway. NC is the only answer now and I know I wont break it.

[askltk]

Here's my weekly mind dump, having now completed 21 days NC. Last communication was 18/11/18, which "the" call.

 

I find myself really struggling during the weekends. My social life is exceptionally busy during the week, especially this time of year with work events. But the weekends are tricky as a-lot of my friends are now engaged / married / kids and don't have time to meet socially. I find myself spending far too much time and energy on Youtube, which is counter productive.

 

I'm about to go an re-joining my local gym / spa so that I've a focus of an evening. That and the charges will hopefully make me go - I've tried workouts at home but found this disheartening. I dipped my toe back into Online Dating this week, but if I'm honest I've never been a fan nor had much success with it. I much rather meet people naturally, or through mutual friends (like the Ex). I've been signed out on my Instagram (my only social media platform) for the same amount of time, which has helped.

 

I know I'm doing the right thing with NC - I'm respecting her boundaries for time / space as thats all I can do. She needs to figure all this out on her own - I can't solve these problems for her. I'm just frustrated that I'm still reeling from a relationship that for the last 2 months wasn't what I wanted. I started this process and although she held back at first - she reciprocated in the end. All I know is I'm NC until she reaches out. There's no limit.

[askltk]

Day 29 – the elusive day 30 is on the horizon. Well, it actually makes zero difference how long it’s been, I’m not following a plan / advice that means I’d reach out after a certain period. NC is a mature response to her request for space.

 

I’m at the point where I’m starting to get dumpers remorse – even though she ultimately decided to end it. I started the ball rolling with the offer of space – and yet I’m questioning what would have happened if I just left it? I wasn’t happy with the relationship and know we’ve made the right decision, I’m just feeling a bit deflated.

I re-engaged with Insta this weekend as acquaintances has noted I hadn’t accepted their follow request. On sign in, I noted my followers hadn’t reduced – meaning the Ex, her sister & her friends were still following (not that I’d posted in the last 4 weeks). I didn’t go snooping on their pages, simply logged back out and deleted the app.

 

I’ve made some positive steps over the past week. The gym has been provided solace when I’ve had a free evening. The social calendar is booked up due to work commitments and spent the weekend with friends by the coast. I’ve had a couple of friends trying to set me up which is nice, but I just don’t seem in my best form right now.

 

I’m managing the desire to reach out. It’s tougher that I thought it would be at this stage. I keep contemplating wishing her and her family a Merry Christmas, but it seems contradictory (and ultimately harmful) to what I’ve read. Thoughts?

[askltk]

And....re-start the NC clock.

 

It had been a total 37 Days NC from 18th November. I broke it with the cliche Merry Christmas message - and do you know what, I feel fine about it.

 

The build up of Christmas wad difficult but I had a great bunch of friends and family around to focus on. I reached out to a netutral friend who had experience in dating advice regarding my situation (as per my OP). On analysis he noted a couple of key things that I hadn’t considered:

 

1) My starting of the break up neturlised its impact

2) This was very much a personal issue for her and there wasn’t any animosity when we spilt

3) There isn’t any power dynamic (dumped vs dumper).

 

His advice was that I could message an iteration of “Merry Christmas and hope you’re doing well”. I’d convinced myself I wasn’t going to over the last week, however talking this through I felt like I wanted to.

 

So that’s what I did - I broke NC with a someonewhat more personal version of the message above. Wished her a Merry Christmas, hope she was doing well and was enjoying her break (from her stressful job). I also said best wishes to the family. It was read and responded to almost instantly and had been well received. She wished the same, made a joke and was genuinely upbeat. She was away with the family and enjoying the escapism.

 

I responded an hour or so later in a similar fashion, told her to enjoy her escape and time with the family and left it that. I didn’t ask any questions to keep the conversation going, and as such has been read but not replied to. I didn’t want to get into a text chat over Christmas.

 

The balls in her court now. I’m back into NC and I don’t feel any worse for breaking it as I had little to lose.