Help needed. Fears of commitment and rejection

[catfeeder]

I really appreciate your reply, though, because I feel like you looked at my situation and really want to help. It also helps me to see what reactions I have to different things. I don't believe stuff fixes itself without working on it, because I have met many examples in their 50s who were cheaters/people afraid to get close/emotionally unavailable, etc. I had some even in my family, some with pretty tragic endings, because they did want love, even if their fear prevented them from accepting it. Kinda disheartening that through a lot of this thread I feel like I just had to dispel preconceptions about who and how I am or what I did and how much responsibility I took over this and so on (not talking about your reply here). Like...I really did come a long way from a kid who sometimes didn't get fed for days to a person getting around the world and holding her own pretty much everywhere.

 

Nothing you've said is inconsistent with what I've said. I can appreciate how misunderstood you feel. This stuff is multifaceted and comes out sideways in different ways. I'm not trying to be dismissive with you or invalidate anything you believe that I don't understand. Taking on people as projects may appear to be a flip side, but it's the same ego at work.

 

The reason your therapist, who knows more than any of us about you, believes that you will outgrow this is not only because you are young, you're also intelligent, self aware AND committed to working through your stuff. As much as a magic pill would be nice, or therapy somehow working like a car wash that rinses away all negativity and we come out feeling fabulous, you know that growth is a process--and work. It's just not happening quickly enough for your liking, and that's typical, too.

 

I find it most helpful not to personalize forum responses as though any stranger 'should' know better than what they get from your posts. Just as you wouldn't expect anyone to resolve a life history of someone's struggles based on one letter, it's more helpful to view it as a game of 20 questions where you'll need to lead your audience where you want us to go. And yes, there will always be some people who are going to guess that it's a breadbox!

 

If there's something specific you want help with that we're all missing, then consider zooming your focus in on that. Meanwhile, trust that you are smart and you are loveable. Even while you don't feel like it. If you can start with that as your premise, then your job isn't some big overhaul or re-creation to build yourself up from scratch. Your job is merely to keep chipping away to remove some of the barriers to love finding you.

 

Hang in there, you are doing far better than you can recognize at this moment.

[reinventmyself]

I can relate to this because I was similar when I was her age. I've struggled with attachment issues throughout my adulthood and gravitated towards unavailable and abusive men.

 

I've been in and out of therapy and went through all the same growing pains and frustrations. It's a long, but worthy journey. Just be patient.

 

I agree with catfeeder, that you are self aware and acknowledgment is half the battle, so trust that you are on your way. . no matter how frustrated you feel right now. Being uncomfortable with it all IS a good sign. No one ever said change was easy. Honestly I felt like I was swinging at things in the dark most of the time . . but I kept swinging.

 

You've gotten some really good advise here and I will throw in yet another book. `Attached' recommended by my therapist. It was a game changer for me to recognize how I was raised and how it plays into the choices I have made in men. It also helped me navigate things a little differently after having read it. It really felt like swimming up stream to me, because it definitely wasn't what I was accustomed to. But with some time and practice, that combined with alot of other tools, it finally made sense to me.