I hurt all the time ... I don’t know what to do

[Outsider8]

Hi, I am new to this forum. I just don’t really know where to turn...sorry in advance for the long thread.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for one year and I really love him. Prior to that we were good friends. We started to have a lot of issues after a few months into the relationship, when I would feel bad (for whatever reason). That would make my boyfriend react and he would start getting cold and impatient. We started therapy together (I know it’s early) and it so turns out that he had a mother and an ex girlfriend who got really depressed at some point (suicidal, etc).. He has a lot of guilt issues as he feels like he had to “save” them (and now me). Him feeling this way actually makes him cold, impatient, he falls asleep as he talks to me, and sometimes he even becomes mean to me. So when I am at my most vulnerable, I feel rejected, hurt and attacked by my boyfriend. Not always, but most of the time. When I react to that, he just says that I have to take care of myself, that if he can’t be present he just can’t and that I’m my own responsibility. That I can’t expect to find the solution to my suffering in the relationship.

 

I just feel as if he takes no responsibility, and points the finger at me constantly. I have become very depressed. I self harmed about three weeks ago and since then he is more distant then ever. He feels responsable, and therefore, can’t be there at all for me. I feel like I am just a burden to him. He told me last week that he was actually anxious about getting to the weekend cause he would be home (so ... with me). But he says he wants to continue to be with me and hope we get through this. That he loves me and that he wants to work on things. We continue therapy but I feel he has giving up and just points fingers at me.

 

Also, since three weeks we had a lot of crisis. He has closed up so much from me and started to confide in this girl at work he likes. He says he finds her cute but doesn’t want anything to do with her but to be her friend. That makes me feel very insecure. When I name my insecurities he takes that as control and again I become the bad one... I hurt so much and I have trouble going through my days. I actually vomited today from an emotional overload. That never happened to me before. I am starting to think I should end things before I end up on sick leave, but I can’t seem to be able to do it. I feel like an unheard idiot who’s loosing her mental health over her relationship ... I feel like a real fool. But sometimes I start to doubt myself. Am i really just too dépendant and expecting too much of him? I just hurt all the time and I don’t know what to do.

[DanZee]

I am starting to think I should end things before I end up on sick leave, but I can’t seem to be able to do it. I feel like an unheard idiot who’s loosing her mental health over her relationship ... I feel like a real fool. But sometimes I start to doubt myself. Am i really just too dependent and expecting too much of him? I just hurt all the time and I don’t know what to do.

 

Well, this is the answer. It doesn't sound like you're right for each other and instead are activating each other's issues. I've seen it firsthand how you can have a relationship with someone and everything is fine, no arguments, no problems, and so on. And yet in another relationship you're feeling bad, there are arguments and fights, people crying and so on. And then you have another relationship and there's no fighting and everything is fine again. So you know it isn't you. Sometimes two people have personalities and backgrounds that set each other off.

 

I don't know if there's any emotional abuse going on in the relationship, (you said he is mean to you). but certainly there's a lot of emotional dependency and that's toxic. And you're physically ill over this. Your body is telling you you need to get out. You know, being alone temporarily isn't as bad as what you're going through.

 

But it's up to you. You might try to stick it out another six months or a year until he either breaks it off, has an affair, or you get too sick to function. But the answer is neither of you are doing anything good for the other and I don't think therapy is going to fix this. But it's your choice.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You need to end this. He is being a jerk and you are getting increasingly depressed. Talk to trusted adults or teachers about this. Also read up on red flags for abusive relationships.

I feel rejected, hurt and attacked by my boyfriend.. I have become very depressed.