What to do to have a shot

[Chrs584]

Hi all. Ex dumped me a few months ago after dating for 4 years. We recently started texting two weeks ago. She said she was just looking for a friend and didn't want to get my hopes up that anything will happen because she honestly has no clue what I'm doing and hoped I could respect that which I do. Two days later, we went out, had a good time, and wound up having sex. We then met up again the next day, saw a movie and had a quick make out session. A week later, we went out again and hung out for a few hours but no kiss.

 

I know she's not seeing anyone and I still would like to have a lasting relationship with her, considering i wanted to marry her.

 

First question: Is she saying that she doesnt want to get back in a relationship because she is afraid I will hurt/disappoint her?

 

Second question: Does it look like I have a shot at getting back with her?

 

Third Question: is she trying to be friends to see if it would work to getting back together?

[boltnrun]

What were her reasons for breaking up with you?

[Chrs584]

What were her reasons for breaking up with you?

We had a falling out after an argument. She said she wasn't attracted to me at first but later said it was because she was looking for a stable guy who had their own stuff but i have made a lot of strides in that department

[Ghost Voices]

Seems like you are dealing with a frustrating case right here, as she still means a lot to you.

 

I was dating a girl recently and we were having a great time together, as we both saw it that way. Despite that, she still told me to not get my hopes up for a potential relationship. Long story short: I ended up in the friend zone. This is quite different though, since you have been together for four years - which is a quite long relationship. You know each other well, and playing with the other parts feelings shouldn't be an easy thing to do.

 

First of all: Hey, she contacted you again, even though you might have thought that you two were done with each other. It happens that couples who break up end up back together, and it might happen this time. On the other hand, be careful with what you are doing now. She told you to not get your hopes up, and I suggest the same thing to you. I can imagine that the break up was hard for you to deal with in the first place, but that you were on the way to come over her before she got in contact with you again. If things doesn't work out this time either, it might result in another heart break for you. Is this a chapter in your life you want to continue on?

 

The key to solve this case is by having a conversation with her. She might give you hints, or even tell you, that she doesn't want to talk about feelings, but to take the time and see what happens. Do not allow yourself to wait for her, and do not allow yourself to get hurt by her again. Girls usually know what they want, and if she really wants you, she won't give up on her chance to get back to you. Show her that this means something to you, and if you feel like it - tell her that you are afraid to get hurt again, and that is the reason to why waiting for her is a bad alternative for you. It might seem a bit egoistic, but if you refuse to do this, you might end up as the one who got hurt twice by the same girl.

 

I am not trying to be cynical here, but it is very important that you don't forget yourself and your needs in this situation. Good luck.

[boltnrun]

We had a falling out after an argument. She said she wasn't attracted to me at first but later said it was because she was looking for a stable guy who had their own stuff but i have made a lot of strides in that department

 

What does "a stable guy who had their own stuff" mean?

 

Are you employed or going to school? Do you have your own place or do you live with parents or roommates?

[Chrs584]

What does "a stable guy who had their own stuff" mean?

 

Are you employed or going to school? Do you have your own place or do you live with parents or roommates?

I always had a job. We moved into a house together her dad paid for and put in her name. After the break up i had to move out to my parents because wasnt expecting it. Will have own place in couple months

[boltnrun]

I always had a job. We moved into a house together her dad paid for and put in her name. After the break up i had to move out to my parents because wasnt expecting it. Will have own place in couple months

 

Hm, then I wonder why she used "I want a stable guy with his own stuff" as a reason to break up when SHE chose to move you into her house. Something doesn't make sense here.

[Chrs584]

Hm, then I wonder why she used "I want a stable guy with his own stuff" as a reason to break up when SHE chose to move you into her house. Something doesn't make sense here.

Welcome to my world lol i know for a fact there is currently no one else in the picture because mutual friends have said so

[boltnrun]

Welcome to my world lol i know for a fact there is currently no one else in the picture because mutual friends have said so

 

Well, I didn't say anything about anyone else. But since you brought it up, I presume this is a fear of yours?

[Chrs584]

I did at first but it was all in my mind

[DanZee]

Hmm. And what was the argument about? It will probably reveal what was wrong with the relationship. I would say right now you're being friendzoned. She just wants someone around so she's not lonely. Ex sex happens when you keep seeing your ex. The ex falls into an old rut. But it usually becomes rare, so you'll be just hanging on for crumbs. Women hate to lose a relationship, but it's not going to change her mind about you.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think she's playing a cruel game of "Catch me if you can." Either way, be careful not to demote yourself to the category of doormat material.

 

Nothing is etched in stone, but you have a better chance of reconciling if you respect yourself, and demonstrate your self-worth.

 

She'll either land on your door step, or bow out for good, yet you'll still have your answer.

[MissCanuck]

Welcome to my world lol i know for a fact there is currently no one else in the picture because mutual friends have said so

 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but mutual friends don't always know the full story either. Ask me how I know. It's not hard to conceal a new love interest if someone really wants to.

 

Anyway, how did it come up that she said she wasn't attracted to you? Clearly that's not entirely true if she still had sex with you. I would stop the date-like meetups though, as it gives her permission to come and get attention and affection without committing.

 

But to answer your questions:

A) No, it's unlikely she is afraid you will hurt her. She just doesn't want to date you right now. A lot of dumpees tell themselves their dumpers might just be afraid to get back together, but unless you did something specific that hurt her, it's more probably that she just doesn't have the desire.

 

B) It's hard to say if you have a shot. This type of contact and communication can sometimes be a crutch while the dumper adjusts to single life. All you can do at the moment is believe she's not looking for more than "a friend", as she puts it.

 

C) See above.

 

I'm curious, how old are you both?

[endy]

Hi all. Ex dumped me a few months ago after dating for 4 years. We recently started texting two weeks ago. She said she was just looking for a friend and didn't want to get my hopes up that anything will happen because she honestly has no clue what I'm doing and hoped I could respect that which I do. Two days later, we went out, had a good time, and wound up having sex. We then met up again the next day, saw a movie and had a quick make out session. A week later, we went out again and hung out for a few hours but no kiss.

 

I know she's not seeing anyone and I still would like to have a lasting relationship with her, considering i wanted to marry her.

 

First question: Is she saying that she doesnt want to get back in a relationship because she is afraid I will hurt/disappoint her?

 

Second question: Does it look like I have a shot at getting back with her?

 

Third Question: is she trying to be friends to see if it would work to getting back together?

 

See the john Wayne post dude. The most common reason a women leaves is a loss of attraction. Read on it and then some more. There are enough resources here to learn about it. You should probably stop letting her have her cake and you. Just start moving on without her.

[TheOutlaw]

My man, if someone is not giving you want you want, walk away. Ever notice why women always love the bad boy? It’s because he is confident enough in himself to walk away and never look back.

 

You need to display the bad boy confidence while having a cool, calm, mature demeanor. If any woman isn’t willing to offer you what you want (in this case a relationship), have the confidence to say “ok, let me know if you change your mind”; and walk away. No contact, no nothing. Walk away.

 

Women are attracted to men who know they have options and are confident in their conviction to move on if they are not satisfied with what they are receiving.

[Wiseman2]

It's best to cut all contact with her and not accept the friendzone as a consolation prize.

 

Why was the move out "unexpected"? Were there arguments or discord before she asked you to move out?

 

Wait until the dust settles and you get your own place until you start dating again.

We moved into a house together her dad paid for and put in her name. After the break up i had to move out to my parents