My main realization -- post-breakup

[mick8888]

The more days go by, the more I am realizing something very simple: I was with my girlfriend mostly because she was extremely physically attractive (definitely the best-looking girl I have ever dated, and I am average-looking and a bit overweight). We were together for a few years (lived together for about 2.5 of those), and even though she wasn't the smartest, most independent or ambitious, or even the sweetest person (all qualities I usually look for), I stayed with her mostly because of the way she made me feel -- in other words, my ego was boosted massively because here was this gorgeous girl who was with me. Then she dumped me, and of course my self-esteem took a huge hit, and all I wanted was her back with me. But now that I've had some time to reflect, I see very clearly that I do not want a relationship with her anymore, but my lingering pain comes more from the validation she gave me, that I was okay. And without her I thought I was fat, ugly, and would never meet another girl as lovely who would want anything to do with me. But I am doing something about my fitness level -- going to the gym every day, and I'm realizing that I'm not ugly or she wouldn't have wanted to be with me in the first place, and I know that I have a ton of other great qualities.

 

So, when I realized why I wanted her back, and that it had more to do with my own lack of internal happiness than the person she is, I realized that the only thing I can do is work on improving myself and becoming happier with myself. No other person can do that for you. And I think that once I am happier with myself I will be able to find someone else, someone just as good or better than my ex. At least I hope so!

 

Anyone here gone through a similar situation and thought process? Am I just fooling myself?

[con100]

Mick, well said, No you are not fooling yourself, the way you are feelin is just that natural progression to what we know as "Movin On" (good for you) mick the bad days are not completely gone but like you i feel much more capable to find a distraction....The main thing is your shift in thinking, and that is great that is moving toward a more positive perspective and that coupled with the natuaral anasthetic of Time

can only mean "The Times They Are A Changin"

 

Keep it Up

See Ya

[annie24]

Hey mick - you sound like you're doing great! Yes, I've been in a similar situation. After my last relationship, I felt like I missed him... but when I thought about it - I just missed having a bf that lived a block away. It was the idea of him - not the guy himself that I really liked. And of course, as things looked a lot brighter once I saw that.

 

Like you said - it sounds like you didn't really love her as much as you liked how other people thought of you when they saw her on your arm. Like you said, a self-esteem thing. But, I agree - I bet that you have a lot of innate qualities that make you a person to envy, even without the arm candy.

 

Take care!

[HurtJozie]

what happens if you were okay with the way you were before the relationship and then after it you don't think you look like crap, you don't hate anything about yourself but you just miss the person what do you do then?

[mick8888]

 

Like you said - it sounds like you didn't really love her as much as you liked how other people thought of you when they saw her on your arm. Like you said, a self-esteem thing. But, I agree - I bet that you have a lot of innate qualities that make you a person to envy, even without the arm candy.

 

 

 

well to be honest, it wasn't so much an "arm candy" showing off thing ... it was more about just personally feeling good that a very pretty girl wanted to be with me, it made me feel good about myself just being with her, not what other people thought. and also, i mean, i'm not quite that shallow in the sense that there are things about her i liked beyond the physical, but in being totally honest with myself i think the physical stuff was the overriding factor in why i stayed with her, and why it hurt so bad when she dumped me.

[mick8888]

what happens if you were okay with the way you were before the relationship and then after it you don't think you look like crap, you don't hate anything about yourself but you just miss the person what do you do then?

 

 

then i guess you just have to move on and eventually find someone else to be with, and get to a place where you can be friends with your ex so that you can still be around them and get to enjoy the person they are and not feel like you want to be in a relationship with them anymore (of course, that takes time).