Left in a world of pain by ex. Would really appreciate some kind words

[sbm1111]

My boyfriend of two years ended it three months ago as he said he didn’t feel the same anymore, something was missing and I got the I love you im just not in love with you. We had a great relationship before that. We were best friends and were very close. We spent a lot of time together went everywhere together talked numerous times a day. I was even very close to his family and stayed with them 3-5 nights a week. But he has left me in a world of pain.

 

My mum died last September, I was very close to her. A month later I discovered I was pregnant (not planned). I was so happy it felt so right and I felt like it was a gift from my mum. But my bf didn’t want the baby as he felt we were not ready both emotionally financially etc. He coerced me into terminating. I told him I didn’t want to but he said I would become a single mother if I didn’t as he couldn’t be in a relationship with me if I pursued. At the time, I lived with my dad and didn’t get on very well with him. My bf and his family were my greatest support, I stayed at their house 4-5 nights per week and I felt part of their family I was that close to them. We made a deal and he promised me we would start a family in three years when we were more financially stable, that he would never leave me and would spend his life making it up to me. Four months later he walks away and says “he meant it at the time but his feelings changed”. I feel that is not good enough as I made a life changing decision based on those terms only. He said he would leave me if I didn’t have one but left me anyway.

 

After the termination things were ok again. When we were good we were perfect we were so in sync with each other and so happy (genuinely). Yes we did have arguments, even more so towards the end, as my emotions were all over the place. We had a large argument in March where I became really upset as it was 6 months since my mum passed. I became so emotional I called him excessively when he was out with his friends and text him persistently accusing him of not caring as he didn’t answer when I rang. We were ok in the weeks after that argument. We went away, carried on as normal and even made summer plans and I started counselling. When we broke up (4 weeks after the argument) he said he didn’t feel the same since that argument and for the space of two weeks his feelings changed he something felt missing. Of course he didn’t want to try work on things so left.

 

We went NC then spoke 4-6 weeks later. He told me he cares a lot for me and I mean a lot to him, he missed the things unique to us but “not enough” to try again. We had a catch up and he told me how busy he was. The final straw for me was when he told me he was going on holidays with his new work friends - two girls two boys, the week the baby was due (6 weeks post BU) which was also a week we had planned to go away. This really cut me up as I feel it was so insensitive to both me and the baby and it felt like he was throwing everything back in my face after all i done for him. We also had talked about moving in together this September and he has told me he is moving to the town we had planned to in September and moving in with one of his new work friends.

 

Please don’t say forget and move on as I am trying so hard to but its not easy as I am dealing with other losses too and my mums anniversary is coming up soon also. I have a new job and plan on moving to a bigger city and I am also spending more time with my family and friends when I can. I am at the stage where I am letting go, I have no desire to contact him and TBH don’t know if I even want to speak to him again as he has hurt me so much. I also have no desire to meet anyone else right now as I feel I am not in the right headspace at the moment.

 

I miss my mum so much and I know she would call him a horrible **** if she was here. I have no one else to confide in hence why I am here. Am I right to not want to speak to him again? How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Am I right to be angry and hurt after the way he has treated me between leaving me post ab and then the holiday? Thanks in advance.

[Hurting29]

I thought my post a few down about my ex was bad. Why would you ever want to speak to him again? If someone did this to my sister she would never have the chance again when I was done. Coerced you into terminating s pregnancy you wanted? Wow

[Starlight925]

Oh my gosh, your post is one of the saddest I've ever read here.

 

First your mom dies, then your boyfriend coerces you to terminate your pregnancy, by giving you promises of a future family together, then he pulls the rug out from under you, thus leaving you without his family to lean on.

 

What a pr*ck.

 

I don't know what his reasons are, other than what he's said, that he's not "in love" with you. But if I were to guess, I'd say he enjoyed the companionship, the regular sex, the famiiiarity of having you around, but when sh*t got real, he bailed. Mum dies? Oh, he's not in for that. Pregnancy? Nope, you'll be a single mom.

 

He was all fun & games until real life intervened. Which I wouldn't bash him for, except that he fed you a pack of lies with this future that never unfolded. I'd bet money that he never intended any sort of real future for the two of you.

 

As much as you don't want to hear it, the best advice is to have no contact with him whatsoever and try to put your life back together.

[sbm1111]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have no intention of contacting him again to be honest I dont really want to speak to him again. Yes I did the begging and all that in the beginning but now I really just want to forget him. In addition he ended it 5 days after my best friend moved away to another country leaving me completely alone.

He coerced me into this decision two months after my mom died. I really felt she pulled a few strings up there to make it happen as we always spoke about how much I wanted a family. I felt a part of her through the pregnancy which I obviously told him but he kept pushing me telling me I "had" to. I was in a vulnerable place at the time and relied on him and his family so I felt I had to in a sense as I didnt want to be alone with a baby and have no support. I believed him and his promises. I genuinely dont think the abortion pushed him away as he handled it well after. It was an argument in March where I got upset and ended up ringing him crying he wouldnt answer that made me worse then the texts start and the cycle continues. I think that pushed him away.

But the pain is so much. I am attending counselling which helps. But not having a mum to talk to about this is so hard. Mums advice is always the best even if someone else says the same thing. In addition I know four girls due the same time I was. It breaks my hear seeing them with their babies and me with nothing. to top things off he then goes on holiday for a week with one other guy and two girls he never mentioned he was friends with during the relationship, on the week the baby was due. Which really really hurt me and felt so worthless

[sbm1111]

Most certainly he was okay with it for a while because it alleviated his responsibility. 4 months pass, arguments start, right?

He was a manipulative, selfish jerk who had no regard for you. That isn't love. That's immaturity and shame on him for treating you that way. He said he meant it at the time but his feelings changed and he no longer is in love with you. Well guess what? Don't worry about that, because he's not worthy of your love. Take your power back and turn from him for all eternity.

 

Well it was more the one big one that really changed his perception of me and I think that was the killer for him. On the other hand I was grieving and it was the firs bad weekend I had since both losses. I cried and acted possessive and I know its a turn off but I didnt necessarily do anything wrong I acted how I felt which was provoked by grief. anyone would feel the same way.

 

Most certainly he was okay with it for a while because it alleviated his responsibility. 4 months pass, arguments start, right?

He was a manipulative, selfish jerk who had no regard for you. That isn't love. That's immaturity and shame on him for treating you that way. He said he meant it at the time but his feelings changed and he no longer is in love with you. Well guess what? Don't worry about that, because he's not worthy of your love. Take your power back and turn from him for all eternity.

 

Was that not a really horrible thing to say?

[sbm1111]

do you think in light of what I had been through and the promises he made that he should have put in a better effort in to the relationship considering what I done for him?

[bluecastle]

I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through. One thing I can't help but feel, in reading this, is the sense that you were maybe not ever as happy in this relationship as you thought.

 

You're chastising yourself for the insecure texts when he was out with friends, but underneath that is something very real: a lack of security, a sense that his commitment to you is a bit conditional. Had you described a perfect gentleman here, I'd maybe say that kind of insecurity is something you need to explore, but given his abhorrent reactions to the real stuff I'd say you maybe had an itch that this was a guy who couldn't hang when the fire got real. And that, really, is what we want in a partner, not just someone who is fun when times are easy and good. Heck, that's the easy part.

 

Anyhow, best of luck getting through this. He's not the one for you, not right now, and it seems you know that. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt—it's pain we all know too well.

[MissCanuck]

One lesson you'll learn in life, is to never depend upon someone else and believe their every word. Actions are what matters. He wasn't showing you love, support, understanding, he wasn't treating you as an equal. Anyone can make promises, anyone can speak the right words you want to hear. Fact is, nothing in life is a guarantee. Depend upon yourself, have your own happiness and life outside of your relationship, and own friends and hobbies.

 

He bailed because it was easy for him. Breakups hurt, no matter who pulls the plug on it. All you need to know is that he let you down, he's not wanting to fix it, and he's content having life apart from you. Do therapy for yourself and your own healing, and grieve your losses until you can accept them. You dealt with a lot in a short period of time and had a lot of loss.

 

This.

 

People make big promises all the time, and later change their minds. And yes, it's disappointing. I can't tell you how many times I've heard promises out of the mouths of guys - particularly when I was younger and we were all less experienced in life - only to have an entirely different outcome later. It hurts a lot, but it's also his prerogative to leave if he wants. Selfish or not, right or wrong, he is free to end the relationship. Deciding who's right or wrong and assigning blame isn't going to be entirely helpful to your healing, OP. Yes, I can certainly understand why you're angry and feel he could have made more effort. But dwelling on that doesn't change the bottom line, in the end.

 

As the others have suggested, focus on you and your recovery now. He's made it clear that the future he promised isn't going to happen, so you're wise to not speak to him anymore. Your therapist will help you find healthy ways to cope with the pain you're feeling so you can move forward and eventually find the happiness you are seeking.

[sbm1111]

The way he treated me was horrible though wasnt it? And I am right to not want to speak to him again? Even if he contacts me should I just ignore it? He wants to be friends but his definition of friends is texting me every 6-8 weeks to see how im doing.

 

I fully appreciate he can leave if he wishes and nothing is a guarantee, but I just feel in light of what I done for him and in light of me only after loosing my mum that he should/could have at least spoke to me about how he felt. He told me he spent two weeks "trying to find his feelings". I mean two weeks.. was that all I was worth in the end? He said he fought for me.. but how? He could have fought a bit harder. He has made me feel so worthless as I genuinely felt we were really close. I cant understand how he can just switch off like that. I didnt deserve that. And I dont think its right that he could make such a promise and then think its ok to turn around and say he changed his mind. This was a life changing decision for me and its not ok to just do that.

 

What do you guys think of him going on the holiday with two girls the week the baby was due and the week we planned to go away? Was that not a bit harsh also?

[MissCanuck]

The way he treated me was horrible though wasnt it? And I am right to not want to speak to him again? Even if he contacts me should I just ignore it? He wants to be friends but his definition of friends is texting me every 6-8 weeks to see how im doing.

 

I fully appreciate he can leave if he wishes and nothing is a guarantee, but I just feel in light of what I done for him and in light of me only after loosing my mum that he should/could have at least spoke to me about how he felt. He told me he spent two weeks "trying to find his feelings". I mean two weeks.. was that all I was worth in the end? He said he fought for me.. but how? He could have fought a bit harder. He has made me feel so worthless as I genuinely felt we were really close. I cant understand how he can just switch off like that. I didnt deserve that. And I dont think its right that he could make such a promise and then think its ok to turn around and say he changed his mind. This was a life changing decision for me and its not ok to just do that.

 

What do you guys think of him going on the holiday with two girls the week the baby was due and the week we planned to go away? Was that not a bit harsh also?

 

Yes, you are right to not want to speak to him again. It also sucks that he's going away with two other girls the week he planned to go away with you. But unfortunately, that often comes with the territory of breaking up - not being a priority and not being the one whose feelings he'll consider first. And it absolutely hurts.

 

I agree he could have handled this break-up very differently. But it can't be changed or undone now, sadly. I understand why his choice was not okay with you, but unfortunately, you can't do anything about that either.

[sbm1111]

Yes, you are right to not want to speak to him again. It also sucks that he's going away with two other girls the week he planned to go away with you. But unfortunately, that often comes with the territory of breaking up - not being a priority and not being the one whose feelings he'll consider first. And it absolutely hurts.

 

I agree he could have handled this break-up very differently. But it can't be changed or undone now, sadly. I understand why his choice was not okay with you, but unfortunately, you can't do anything about that either.

 

Do you think if he cared for me or had any regard for me after the sacrifice I made, that he should have at least spoke to me about how he was feeling and genuinely try not just leave the way he did?

[MissCanuck]

Do you think if he cared for me or had any regard for me after the sacrifice I made, that he should have at least spoke to me about how he was feeling and genuinely try not just leave the way he did?

 

Yes, but it doesn't matter what I think. How does my agreeing with you help you?

 

I mean that as a genuine question. You are quite focused on presenting your case, so to speak, and getting us to validate what you already believe about him. While I think the majority of posters would agree he wasn't as sensitive as he could or should have been, and certainly sympathize with you, I also can't see how asking if we agree really makes much difference. It doesn't change what has already happened.

 

Instead, why not start to focus on how you are going to heal? That would be more productive for you, in the end.

[reinventmyself]

Don't get stuck on an expectation of what you feel you are owed based on the sacrifices you made. You seem to have a grip on this and can't let go.

 

People stay because they want to. Well, at least you should only want someone in your life who has the desire to and not solely out of debt or obligation.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. It seems incredibly unfair.

 

Just curious - if you could have anticipated the ending, would you have wanted to keep the baby anyway?

 

I think his comment about being a single mother was telling. He may have known something then even if he wasn't ready to admit it to himself.

 

I think surprise pregnancies forces people to harshly assess things that they'd rather not. It became very real, very quickly.