Can spanking vs not spanking kids contribute to a possible break-up?

[Batya33]

I'm not looking forward towards getting married to my long-distance bf anymore and I've already informed him. There were a couple red flags (many I would try hard to overlook) I haven't been very comfortable with but this statement of his was so deep that I'll never forget:

 

''If you don't spank them, they'll grow up being criminals, murderers and rapists. You gotta hit them. What do you prefer, discipline or no discipline''.

 

Needless to say that broke my heart more than any other flaw he may have had. I'm a believer that you can discipline a child without resulting to spanking, which to me is hitting. I fail to understand how does not spanking equals to no discipline.

 

Of course spanking is hitting! Yes, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm confused as to why this never came up before. My husband and I do have somewhat different discipline approaches but we agree on the basics and have the same basic values of what our discipline goals are. You need not understand his point of view at all because it is a dealbreaker, unless for some academic reason you want to understand it. He has a bright line rule. To him hitting a child is essential to discipline the child to behave appropriately - and i would guess his goals have to do with a child submitting to authority out of fear. That is not your approach or your goal and because this involves physical discipline it likely is a dealbreaker. I say this because there's room for compromise if this issue is, let's say, one partner having less patience and raising her voice more often, one parent letting curse words slip (not cursing out the child I mean as adjectives during a heated moment), and what kind of privileges to remove from a child for misbehavior and how much (or whether not to do this at all). That stuff is negotiable IMO. This is not.

[dragonfly87]

What the hell?

It's ok. I broke up already.

At this moment, I'm relieved and don't feel like dating right now. I want to take a break from relationships for now.

[dragonfly87]

I completely agree with you, OP. You don't ever need to raise your hand to a child in order to discipline them. It's not necessary and it teaches your child to fear you.

 

Old school generations believed you had to instill fear in a child in order for them to behave and to listen...its' not true. If you parent correctly, teach them manners, respect and talk to them when they've been bad..it will work far better then smacking them.

 

I would have come to the same conclusion as you and would have left a man had he insisted that hitting my babies would have been a good thing to do.

Thank you for your insight and glad to hear that I'm not alone in this aspect. I broke it off already. At this moment, I don't feel like dating. I will date someone else eventually but not right now.

[Snny]

I am very sorry you are going through this. You made the right decision while keeping your (and your children’s) futures in mind. It’s important to find someone who is aligned with your values of raising a family. Please give yourself some time to heal and sail forth! This one “bad apple” does not represent all men. It’s very unfortunate some people are misguided on forms of appropriate punishment but you don’t have to tolerate it.