Feeling Sad

[JustMizz]

It's been almost 2 months since the breakup up and I'm getting on ok. I'm still going to counseling and a week ago I started taking Prozac.

 

But some days, like today, I just feel incredibly sad. Sad that he didn't love me the way he said he did. Sad that he didn't love me enough to fight for me.

 

I know it's like beating a dead horse, going over this stuff again and again. I try not to think about it, but on days like today it hits me as soon as I wake up.

 

I'm not sure if it's about my self worth. I know I deserve better and I know one day I will find another man. It's not a feeling of hopelessness or desperation.

 

It's just....sadness. Does anyone else experience this?

[boltnrun]

This is why those "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas" texts are so damaging. It flips you right back to practically the beginning.

 

You have him blocked now, correct?

[JustMizz]

This is why those "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas" texts are so damaging. It flips you right back to practically the beginning.

 

You have him blocked now, correct?

 

Yes, I do.

 

Why do exes send such texts? Sigh.

[Hollyj]

Have you sought counseling?

 

I read your history, and you seem to be attracted to a lot of creeps. I think that you need to address your issues with self esteem.

[JustMizz]

Have you sought counseling?

 

I read your history, and you seem to be attracted to a lot of creeps. I think that you need to address your issues with self esteem.

 

Yes, I'm in counseling now.

[boltnrun]

Yes, I do.

 

Why do exes send such texts? Sigh.

 

Because you allowed him access to you. Possibly because you "hoped" he would want to get back together.

 

That's why people advocate blocking. But people who have been broken up with and dream of reconciliation always come up with excuses why they "can't" or won't block. They aren't thinking about protecting themselves, all they're thinking is they don't want to cut off their ex's access to them in case the ex wants to get back together. It's harmful to oneself NOT to do this, as you found.

 

It will get better now that you don't have the possibility of him contacting you in the back of your mind.

[JustMizz]

I am working on letting go of that hope. I know that even if he did come back, I would never be able to fully trust him. I think that's what makes me even sadder.

 

I honestly just wish I would have made myself continue to go out with him after the first date. I wasn't attracted to him. I thought it was a physical thing but maybe it was my intuition telling me something wasn't right.

 

I need to get a handle on trusting myself.

[Hollyj]

Do you have friends?

[cristal]

Have you sought counseling?

 

I read your history, and you seem to be attracted to a lot of creeps.

 

 

Totally uncalled for.

[JustMizz]

Do you have friends?

 

Nope, not really. I've never been one to make friends. I'm not very social, which would probably change if I had friends. Lol

 

I'm 38 years old and spent the better part of the last 16 years raising my daughter. I was single for a good chunk of that. She was my life and making ends meet was my goal every month.

 

Didnt leave much room (or money) for a social life.

 

Totally uncalled for.

 

I agree, but didn't want to say anything. It's not as if they were creeps/jerks to start off with.

[Hollyj]

I think that if your life were more full, you would make better choices. You would not gravitate to these types of men..

 

In my city there are many free activities, see if your town offers the same. You can also volunteer to meet people.

[Hollyj]

Totally uncalled for.

 

No. Because it is true. She is the common denominator, here. She needs to break the pattern.

 

I have read through some of the old posts and a lot of these guys seemed to show red flags early on. She ignored them.

[CubbyBear]

Going to play devils advocate here but I think she may have been trying to say is there is a pattern of the men you choose. It may not be apparent on the surface when you meet these people. But subconsciously you may be attracted to the wrong types of people and/or ignoring some sort of red flags. Maybe the comment lacked tact but it's valid advice if she took the time to read previous posts. I myself have not read your history so can't confirm or deny. Just wanted to throw that out there.

 

Beyond that, I do want to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this. Breakups are the damn worst! I am so happy that you are going to counseling. Is the counseling helping? I ask because it took me a little bit to shop around for the right person. So if you're not seeing progress and not connecting with him/her, don't be afraid to try someone different.

 

I find Meetup.com a great place to meet friends in your area. I have my entire social life to thank for it. May be worth giving a shot.

[Hollyj]

Going to play devils advocate here but I think she may have been trying to say is there is a pattern of the men you choose. It may not be apparent on the surface when you meet these people. But subconsciously you may be attracted to the wrong types of people and/or ignoring some sort of red flags. Maybe the comment lacked tact but it's valid advice if she took the time to read previous posts. I myself have not read your history so can't confirm or deny. Just wanted to throw that out there.

 

Beyond that, I do want to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this. Breakups are the damn worst! I am so happy that you are going to counseling. Is the counseling helping? I ask because it took me a little bit to shop around for the right person. So if you're not seeing progress and not connecting with him/her, don't be afraid to try someone different.

 

I find Meetup.com a great place to meet friends in your area. I have my entire social life to thank for it. May be worth giving a shot.

 

The comment was direct, not tactless.

[JustMizz]

I do overlook red flags if I don't think they are major. Nobody is perfect and before my recent ex I really didn't believe people could be categorized, however, he was a classic example of a guy just seeing me out of convenience. Just spoon feeding me what I wanted to hear to keep me on the hook.

 

I don't know if it was like that from the start, or if he started to lose attraction for me for whatever reason and was trying to keep me around until something else came up.

 

So how does one not choose this type of man? How do you know who's bad for you and who's going to end up treating you like dirt?

 

And I'd give anything for a fuller life but I live in a small town, we dont have things to do here. And if there are, they aren't free. Aside from going to church and that's just not something I'm interested in doing.

 

I'm trying my best to learn from this experience. To see my errors and to learn to trust myself and to not overlook red flags. It's just so hard to know who's real and who's not. Maybe it's my lack of relationship experience and/or my social awkwardness.

 

I do know I've wasted too much time on men who were not worth the effort and I honestly don't know if I'll ever want to try again.

[boltnrun]

By your own admission you ignore red flags. I don't know if it's out of loneliness or if you just think being single or dateless makes you less of a person, but you've GOT to trust your instinct. Any excuse you can think of to ignore your own gut feelings must be discarded in favor of trusting yourself. Anyone who comes on too strong too soon, who wants to lock you down to a commitment right away, anyone fresh out of a relationship, anyone who has a "psycho ex", anyone with a history of cheating...all these are red flags that you can protect yourself from.

 

There are absolutely no events in your community? Nothing at all?

[Hollyj]

Take a long break and reflect on the men you have been with. Read your old threads, start to recognize where things went wrong. Having sex, right out the gate was one issue. Jumping into insta relationships was another.

 

i used to make a lot of bad choices, too. i chose people who were not appropriate, because I was emotionally unavailable. After my last bf, I hit the proverbial bottom. This forced me to address my own issues, and make many life changes - I am thankful for that part. I made myself get out and make new friends and took on new interests. My life is now full and I boundaries are in place- this applies to friends as well.

 

Listen. it is up to you to make yourself happy and make your life more full. No other individual can do it for you. Start making some changes. I suggested volunteering. have you also considered taking some classes. Do anything!

[JustMizz]

By your own admission you ignore red flags. I don't know if it's out of loneliness or if you just think being single or dateless makes you less of a person, but you've GOT to trust your instinct. Any excuse you can think of to ignore your own gut feelings must be discarded in favor of trusting yourself. Anyone who comes on too strong too soon, who wants to lock you down to a commitment right away, anyone fresh out of a relationship, anyone who has a "psycho ex", anyone with a history of cheating...all these are red flags that you can protect yourself from.

 

There are absolutely no events in your community? Nothing at all?

 

Yea, but now I know I shouldnt ever ignore them. Even if there is a good excuse. I guess I'm weak in that area, I want to believe everyone is well intentioned.

 

And no events that I'm aware of.

[JustMizz]

Take a long break and reflect on the men you have been with. Read your old threads, start to recognize where things went wrong. Having sex, right out the gate was one issue. Jumping into insta relationships was another.

 

i used to make a lot of bad choices, too. i chose people who were not appropriate, because I was emotionally unavailable. After my last bf, I hit the proverbial bottom. This forced me to address my own issues, and make many life changes - I am thankful for that part. I made myself get out and make new friends and took on new interests. My life is now full and I boundaries are in place- this applies to friends as well.

 

Listen. it is up to you to make yourself happy and make your life more full. No other individual can do it for you. Start making some changes. I suggested volunteering. have you also considered taking some classes. Do anything!

 

I really thought I did better with my ex. I waited to have sex, i tried to set up boundaries....I let him know when I felt he disrespected me and he seemed to try to do better. I guess I just wanted him to be legit so bad that I was unwilling to walk away.

 

I'm definitely taking a break from men and working on myself. I see all of the mistakes I made and all of the flags I shouldn't have ignored.

 

I just sucks all around that things ended up this way.

[boltnrun]

Yea, but now I know I shouldnt ever ignore them. Even if there is a good excuse. I guess I'm weak in that area, I want to believe everyone is well intentioned.

 

And no events that I'm aware of.

 

That's nice to believe everyone has good intentions, but just get online to see all the awful things some people are capable of. Yes, there are some wonderful people in the world. In fact, the majority are kind and decent. But we have to be aware that some aren't, and we have to accept that some people don't mind harming others. And we have to avoid those who have no problem hurting others.

 

So every single person in your town does nothing all the time? No one goes anywhere or does anything? Ever?

[Hollyj]

I really thought I did better with my ex. I waited to have sex, i tried to set up boundaries....I let him know when I felt he disrespected me and he seemed to try to do better. I guess I just wanted him to be legit so bad that I was unwilling to walk away.

 

I'm definitely taking a break from men and working on myself. I see all of the mistakes I made and all of the flags I shouldn't have ignored.

 

I just sucks all around that things ended up this way.

 

See it as a blessing. This is about you and making your life more full.

 

Have you Googled events in your city? How far are you from a larger city?

[Hollyj]

That's nice to believe everyone has good intentions, but just get online to see all the awful things some people are capable of. Yes, there are some wonderful people in the world. In fact, the majority are kind and decent. But we have to be aware that some aren't, and we have to accept that some people don't mind harming others. And we have to avoid those who have no problem hurting others.

 

So every single person in your town does nothing all the time? No one goes anywhere or does anything? Ever?

 

OP, you need to make more of an effort. As you said, you and your ex were always in. There must be something going on. It is not possible that there are no activities, unless you live in a village of 10.

[JustMizz]

Idk what singles do around here. Idk what singles do, period. I've tried looking for events in my area and there really aren't any. I would have to travel at least 45 miles, which isnt a big deal aside from the thought of going to some event by myself makes me anxious.

 

My ex and I stayed in a lot because that's what we both like to do. We were compatible in that sense. He also doesn't have any friends here. He moved from a different state for his ex wife.

 

Why can't I just be me and find someone honest? Sigh.

[figureitout23]

I agree, but didn't want to say anything. It's not as if they were creeps/jerks to start off with.

 

Dont do that Mizz. You already know I am the queen of quotes. I DISTINCTLY remember us telling you there were red flags, you two were discussing being boyfriend and girlfriend and going away together at what? date 2? 3? Either way I remember it was after 2 weeks. You ignored us, acted like we were being jerks and disappeared, just like you did a couple of weeks ago when you started talking to him again. This is what you do, dont play like youre clueless. You had all the warnings, you made a conscious choice to ignore them KNOWING full well, there were red flags, you are so desperate to have someone so you dont care about red flags, time to be honest. You cant play the oblivious game anymore, not after all these incidents. You're a grown woman and a mother.

 

I really thought I did better with my ex. I waited to have sex, i tried to set up boundaries....I let him know when I felt he disrespected me and he seemed to try to do better. I guess I just wanted him to be legit so bad that I was unwilling to walk away.

 

I'm definitely taking a break from men and working on myself. I see all of the mistakes I made and all of the flags I shouldn't have ignored.

 

I just sucks all around that things ended up this way.

 

Good for you! Stick to counseling! It will do you so good, you have a ton of baggage to face. Re the bold, you DIDNT wait though, you didnt do anything different, infact when I told you going away could mean he could pressure you for sex you said something like "I want him to" or close to it. You didnt do anything different, you leaped in just like every other time. You gotta be honest with yourself or this will keep happening and you deserve SO much better than this Mizz

[boltnrun]

What makes you anxious about going places by yourself?

 

I do all the time. I am middle-aged and totally single. I go to happy hour all the time alone. I go to cafes alone. I go shopping alone. I travel alone. I use common sense caution and have never, not once, had anything awful happen to me.

 

Is your area a high-crime area?

 

Anyway, like my friend told me, you aren't going to find dates or friends sitting home alone on your couch watching TV. And you say there "really aren't any" events. Does that mean there are none at all, or you aren't interested in anything in your area? Do you have any friends or family nearby?