Feeling Sad

[JustMizz]

Good for you! Stick to counseling! It will do you so good, you have a ton of baggage to face. Re the bold, you DIDNT wait though, you didnt do anything different, infact when I told you going away could mean he could pressure you for sex you said something like "I want him to" or close to it. You didnt do anything different, you leaped in just like every other time. You gotta be honest with yourself or this will keep happening and you deserve SO much better than this Mizz

 

We never even went on the trip. Not that it matters now. I know you all warned me. I just kept telling myself that ya'll didnt know him. But hell, I didnt and still dont know him, obviously.

 

I do always appreciate you jumping in and setting me straight. That's what I need. And I am working on being honest with myself. Any time I doubt what has happened, doubt myself and my judgment, I remind myself that I have irrefutable evidence that he is a liar and I deserve better than that.

 

What makes you anxious about going places by yourself?

 

I do all the time. I am middle-aged and totally single. I go to happy hour all the time alone. I go to cafes alone. I go shopping alone. I travel alone. I use common sense caution and have never, not once, had anything awful happen to me.

 

Is your area a high-crime area?

 

Anyway, like my friend told me, you aren't going to find dates or friends sitting home alone on your couch watching TV. And you say there "really aren't any" events. Does that mean there are none at all, or you aren't interested in anything in your area? Do you have any friends or family nearby?

 

I have a tinge of social anxiety and I've never liked going places alone. I'm not scared something awful will happen, I just feel awkward and out of place. I live in a small town, crime isn't much of an issue.

 

And yea, there aren't any events that I have seen that I'm interested in and most are geared towards families. I don't have any friends but I do have some family here.

[boltnrun]

Realize that other people really could care less that you went somewhere alone. They don't even notice. Do you stare at people who go places alone and make cracks or comments? I bet you don't.

 

How about asking a family member to join you for something?

[JustMizz]

Everyone is married with kids.

 

Idk, I need to stop being such a homebody. This has been my life for basically the past 16 years. I spend all of my free time now with my daughter and my dog.

 

But even in high school I was a homebody. I didn't have friends back then and didn't do anything that normal teenagers do.

 

I've been thinking about joining a gym, if I can afford it. I guess that would be a start, right?

[boltnrun]

Everyone is married with kids.

 

Idk, I need to stop being such a homebody. This has been my life for basically the past 16 years. I spend all of my free time now with my daughter and my dog.

 

But even in high school I was a homebody. I didn't have friends back then and didn't do anything that normal teenagers do.

 

I've been thinking about joining a gym, if I can afford it. I guess that would be a start, right?

 

The "Y" is inexpensive. In my city they are having a summer special where you can purchase a full year membership for $99. I will be joining. They have lots of events. And lots of gyms have specials. Just be careful because many of the specials require you to buy a two year membership.

 

And your married family members never go shopping? Out to lunch or dinner? See a film? Have a backyard BBQ?

[JustMizz]

The "Y" is inexpensive. In my city they are having a summer special where you can purchase a full year membership for $99. I will be joining. They have lots of events. And lots of gyms have specials. Just be careful because many of the specials require you to buy a two year membership.

 

And your married family members never go shopping? Out to lunch or dinner? See a film? Have a backyard BBQ?

 

We don't have a YMCA here. Just regular gyms.

 

We have family get togethers sometimes and I go to those, but it's all family. And most of their daily lives revolve around their kids, which is great, but I guess I never thought to ask if any would like to go do some "grown up" stuff. It's weird because I'm the only single one left in the family.

[boltnrun]

We don't have a YMCA here. Just regular gyms.

 

We have family get togethers sometimes and I go to those, but it's all family. And most of their daily lives revolve around their kids, which is great, but I guess I never thought to ask if any would like to go do some "grown up" stuff. It's weird because I'm the only single one left in the family.

 

I can guarantee that a sister, sister in law or cousin or aunt would LOVE to go out to coffee or lunch with you. Moms almost never get to do fun grown up stuff.

[Hollyj]

Idk what singles do around here. Idk what singles do, period. I've tried looking for events in my area and there really aren't any. I would have to travel at least 45 miles, which isnt a big deal aside from the thought of going to some event by myself makes me anxious.

 

My ex and I stayed in a lot because that's what we both like to do. We were compatible in that sense. He also doesn't have any friends here. He moved from a different state for his ex wife.

 

Why can't I just be me and find someone honest? Sigh.

 

Stop looking for men to fulfill you. This is your responsibility! Make an effort to find things in your area. I have to travel over an hour to get into the city. I do it on most days.

 

Start organizing things with family members. They can also introduce you to their friends. Get out of the house!

[JustMizz]

I dont need a man to fulfill me.

 

I just don't believe I should change who I am in order to find a man.

[Metaltwin70]

'..so how does one not choose this type of man? How do you know who's bad for you and who's going to end up treating you like dirt?'

 

You can't. You can discard people on the basis of minutest negative issues all you like but at the end of the day you do not know how things will turn out in the end. Early break-ups are not - IMHO - caused by you having done something wrong or having missed a red flag. Something was not there for him after a few months so he bailed. It is not your fault. You cannot make someone want you if they don't. All you can do is give yourself some time to grieve, dust yourself down and keep on keeping on, so to speak.

[Metaltwin70]

'..Anyone who comes on too strong too soon, who wants to lock you down to a commitment right away, anyone fresh out of a relationship, anyone who has a "psycho ex", anyone with a history of cheating...all these are red flags that you can protect yourself from.'

 

When my husband and I met 14 years ago he was in the process of breaking up with his then gf. He locked me down to a commitment, so to speak, by week 4. He took me to meet his entire extended family by week 12. By six months we were sharing lives. The rest is history.

 

He told me very early on that there was A LOT of cheating in his younger days. I did NOT tell him that the same was true for me. Guess what? He was one big walking red flag when we met..we've been through a lot together. 'A lot' does not include cheating, abuse or anything of the kind. Aside from things to do with ageing and every day worries, we have no major issues and are extremely happy together. He never as much as looked at anyone the entire time we've been together and neither have I. We just clicked, still click, work together, love each other to death and are happy.

 

A friend of mine met her husband online about 18 months ago. They instantly fell for each other. Were engaged at 3 months together. Married 8 months later. She is pregnant and couldn't be happier. Red flags galore at the beginning - and a happy ending, with a baby on the way.

 

Another friend of mine is 40 and has never been in any kind of a relationship her entire life because everyone has always had something wrong with them as far as she is concerned. 'He has cheated before'. 'He is a chef - chefs take drugs'. 'He is too old for me, he is 45'. The list is endless. She spends her life saying 'oh no no, no way, not him' and sitting alone at home at weekends contemplating what went wrong with her life.

 

Bottom line.. there's got to be a happy medium. You've got to give people a chance and see what happens. No-one on this planet is perfect and neither are you.

[Metaltwin70]

'..I dont need a man to fulfill me.

 

I just don't believe I should change who I am in order to find a man'

 

JustMizz, in my opinion and experience you won't have to change yourself for the RIGHT man. YOUR man will fall in love and stay in love with you just as you are, at your core, loner and all. My advise to you wouldn't be to try and make yourself into something you're not in order to meet someone. I'd advise you, like others said on this thread, to try and broaden your social circle. Maybe take part in a local meet-up group of people with the same interests and hobbies? Music? Movies? Restaurant trips? It's like looking for a job. You won't get one by sitting home alone thinking 'oh I'd so love a job'. You need to apply to ten jobs a day, sign up with recruitment agencies, go for interviews... Same logic applies to finding a life partner, IMHO. I wish you all the best.