We got back together but it just isn't right

[mlchildr]

This site was so helpful to me when i was going through my breakup a year ago. We broke up in February of 04 after being together for two years alot of stuff went on in the period that we were broken up he dated other and so did i. The only probelm was everytime he had a problem in one of his new relationships he came running back to me. Finally i had enough because he would come back stir up all these feelings i had for him and then run back to his new fling.

 

I decided No Contact had to be done and i went for it. Finally in January of 05 i get a call from him wanting to get back together. The only catch was his new girlfriend was living with him at the time but he said he knew that he didn't want to be with her that he wanted to start things fresh with me. I told him she had to be gone before i would even consider. Well she left and we started dating ecah other again. I would find girls phone numbers all the time at his house, i woud find letters from girls and all kinds of stuff. I would confront him he would say no big deal and leave it like that. Recently i found out that he had been talking to two of his recent ex's. He was talking to them after we had a fight....like the way he used to run to me when he had fight s with them. To top it off some girl sent him a package in the mail which he lied to me and told me it was from a guy at work. He won't tell me what it was.

 

He erased all the girls and ex's numbers from his phone but i found his work phone last night and all the ex's numbers were still in there. I am to the point where i can't trust him. What do i do. I wnated nothing more to get back with him and start fresh and have a relationship but with all this i don't know. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Scout]

I'm sorry to say this, but you're right: you can't trust him to remain emotionally (and maybe even physically) committed to only you.

 

The sad thing is, there are men and women who simply cannot become genuinely, truly commited to intimacy with just one person. I don't know the reasons why, but even if I did, would that help me cure the person with the problem? No. It can't be cured until they truly recognize that they are putting up exits everywhere, and are not opening themselves up 100% to the relationship they are in.

 

Yes, relationships are work - but the work should overall be a joyful one. People that can't commit to one person usually view relationships as stressful and frustrating. And they tend to flee when the going gets tough.

 

And the other party gets hurt over and over again.

 

I know a guy who sounds like your boyfriend. In the course of our conversation one evening, I learned that as a child, his father cheated on his wife - and used to take the guy I know along with him as a decoy when he would meet his mistress. This made a lasting impression on my friend, and he had a lot of bitterness towards his father for it. But yet - he turned out the same way, basically.

 

My advice would be to give up on this relationship and walk away before you get really hurt again. I can promise you that this repeated behavior on the part of your boyfriend won't end, and will continue to erode your self-esteem and worse: your trust in all men. You don't want that dear, there are some amazing men out there who are, for lack of a better way to phrase it, "man enough" to be in a healthy, committed relationship.

 

But you won't find him as long as you remain shackled to this unhappy relationship.

 

Keep us posted, we're here if you need the support.

 

- Scout

[lady00]

You're right to be worried...he has tried to hide things from you and he doesn't seem able to fully let go of his exes. Why won't he tell you what's in the package...clearly its something he shouldn't be receiving from another woman. I'm sorry to say it but I don't think this guy is really looking out for your feelings. Have you confronted him about finding the numbers in his work phone? After all, he clearly made a point of deleting the numbers on his other phone so why are they still on the other phone? He has a lot to answer for...and if he isn't willing to be up front with you then kick him to the curb. I'd say, give him another chance to come clean about everything, after all you do have a long history together...but if you're still having doubts, then you will probably want to end things.

[HajiMaji]

If you can take a step back, youll see the pattern. Its hard to realize you are just a piece in his pattern, but he has a track record of doing this with his partners. Thats not a good quality to have, and if i were you id try to realize this and muster up all the courage you have and break up wth the guy. Moarn the loss of the relationship once more and then move on. I dont mean to sound harsh, its just how i see it.. Its rough though