Female Friend Met Man 2 Weeks Ago, and is moving away

[Silverbirch]

I can't help but feel sad, and somewhat concerned about my female friend who is mature age lady. I noticed a few months ago, that she seemed to become desperate to meet a man online.

 

She is intelligent, has a degree and a good job. A couple of weeks ago, she Started chatting to a man online. She told me she was disappointed tha he lives 3 hours away, and so "they" decided at the outset that there was no point in meeting up. I'm not sure whether it was him. Or my friend who said they could remain in contact from time to time for a chat, and that if she was ever out is way, maybe they could meet up. My friend confessed tha she couldn't help herself from ringing him a lot.

 

She contacted me about 3 weeks ago asking if I wanted to catch up over the weekend, and that we would organise a time on that day. I didnt hear from her and rang her on the Saturday morning, but I didn't hear anything back until the Sunday evening. She said she didn't get my message until Sunday night and tha she had gone away. I wasn't worried or put out about it. She did say we should catch up soon.

 

I called her on Thursday as I knew she was wanting a replacement lounge, and I knew somebody giving a really nice one away. No answer so I left a message. She called me back later saying she is very busy these days. Initially she said we should catch up, then added quickly that we should catch up by phone as she is so busy these days. I agreed.

 

I knew she was looking at finding a new more permanent rental, and tagged her on FB about something local coming up. She messaged back saying that she has begun looking for work in the same region that guy is from, and tha she is moving there. She didn't add to be with him, but from other things, I'm sure that's the reason. She only me him in person 2 weeks ago.

 

I'm concerned for her, but I admit that I'm dad for myself. I thought we were good friends. I know it's completely normal for people to get wrapped up in new partners, but she has never seemed the type to me to make such a rash decision. Maybe I just didn't know her as she hadn't been in a relationship these last couple of years since I've known her.

 

I've had this happenfrombtime to time with female friends, and I can recall any of the relationships bring long lasting.

 

I'm thinking that I won't say anything to eat about it - she's a big girl, prides herself on being a feminist. She has had some very bad relationdships, the past with domestic violence which she fled. The one before, she claimed, and I believe that he cleaned her out financially.

 

I'm going to miss her, but it feels weird. I think she is also partly avoiding me because she knows she is rushing un, and actually tha she has been chasing this guy.

 

Not sure why I'm asking here. How has other people done it.

[DanZee]

Well, instead of being concerned that you're losing a friend, I think you should be very concerned that she's moving away to be with a guy she only met 2 weeks ago! You should try to talk her out of this. You should try to make her think about what she's doing. At least she's not moving in with him, but this is pretty serious. Try to talk to her.

[Hollyj]

Looking like she is heading for another bad relationship. She sounds very desperate to have anyone in her life. As her friend, try and talk some sense into her. This is nuts!

 

She needs some therapy!

 

You also sound like you are more concerned about losing her as a friend, than for her wellbeing. It does not sound like she is much of a friend to you.

[Silverbirch]

Holly, that isn't true that I'm not concerned for her well-being, but of course I'm sad she is going away - or that is her current plan. I believe I will need to choose my words carefully, because I just know this is what she is going to do. I think the aside from. Her being genuinely busy, she is avoiding me (and possibly others) because she knows that if any of her female friends were making plans to move 2 weeks after meeting, SHE would be saying "Whoa". She has actually been a very good friend to me in the past.

 

For all I know, she may see me as a sad reflection of what her life could become if she doesn't meet a man to live happily ever after. I can tell you with certainty that for most of us, as we get older, the breakups can hurt more. It can be harder to bounce back.

 

BTW, she works as a professional counsellor - mostly with women. Nobody is immune from going off the rails.

[Silverbirch]

Well, instead of being concerned that you're losing a friend, I think you should be very concerned that she's moving away to be with a guy she only met 2 weeks ago! You should try to talk her out of this. You should try to make her think about what she's doing. At least she's not moving in with him, but this is pretty serious. Try to talk to her.

 

Danzee, I don't know yet if the plan is for her to move in with him. It could well be. As for being concerned about losing my friend, it's happening already - she will likely be avoiding anyone who she thinks likely to well her to slow down. For people to make that judgment inferring that I care little for my friends well-being and only about losing a friend, I think that's a pretty mean thing for people to say, especially since you don't know me.

[rapunzel]

Hmmm...

 

My guess is your "mature" friend does not want your opinion on her possible move to be near a man she just met two weeks ago. If she wanted your opinion, she would ask. If you are super tight "besties" who share everything, then it would be appropriate to try to talk to her about it. Either way, she will do what she wants. Many mature adults do not want others well-meaning advice unless they request it and some will resent you for offering unsolicited advice.

 

The assumption is that she is moving there to be near him, however, it is possible she likes the idea of moving somewhere else to change her life and meet new people. Also, if she is avoiding you, I would just let her be. Chasing after people often backfires, making the person run in the other direction, which she may find out if indeed she is chasing this guy and is moving there to be near him. You can always send her a card or an email to wish her well, if you want to stay in touch.

 

I have had several friendships change or dissipate over the years as the result of romantic relationships, marriages, children and moves. Some were painful when I was younger but with age I wish them well and let them go if that's what happens. I keep in touch with some sporadically, it is impossible to keep up with everyone despite social media. In my life, learning how to be my own best friend has been invaluable. Learning how to enjoy your own company is key because in my experience, changes in life circumstances with friends are virtually guaranteed. I'm still a work in progress but I have had far too many disappointments to rely on other people for my happiness. That doesn't mean I won't get my heart broken again, won't get dumped by a friend and won't experience conflict with people. If your friend moves, yes, you will miss her but if you are true friends, you will stay in touch and can pick up where you left off.

 

When you become your own best friend, you are less dependent on other people for your own happiness and potential friends, both platonic and romantic, pick up on this and feel less pressured, thus you start attracting people like flies. Often when you need people less, they want you more. It's an interesting phenomenon, one I read about several years ago in a self-help book (Intimate Connections by David Burns, M.D. - great book) when I was still stupidly chasing men around.

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Rapunzel. That's very good advice.

Yes, she could be moving over there for any number of reasons. She has been in contact with me since I posted. She had her liver dog pts, but that is not only reason she contacted me. I've come to hope this guy is very nice and they are right for each other. She deserves every happiness. I will miss we, but I want her to be happy.