How would you handle this situation with a FWB?

[Batya33]

A FWB situation is not meaningless sex otherwise why choose to associate beyond the sex?

 

But you're "associating" by interacting with a person who treats you rudely and then justifying your rude behavior by "he egged me on" when you can also choose not to be rude, choose to walk away, etc. Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention so people with a sexual arrangement like yours might choose to associate for that reason. Doesn't make it "meaningful". I don't think self-growth by associating with people in a negative way is a good use of your time/investment to achieve self-growth.

[thornz]

A FWB situation is not meaningless sex otherwise why choose to associate beyond the sex?

 

But you're "associating" by interacting with a person who treats you rudely and then justifying your rude behavior by "he egged me on" when you can also choose not to be rude, choose to walk away, etc. Sometimes negative attention is better than no attention so people with a sexual arrangement like yours might choose to associate for that reason. Doesn't make it "meaningful". I don't think self-growth by associating with people in a negative way is a good use of your time/investment to achieve self-growth.

 

Yes perhaps you’re right, not very meaningful if you don’t treat each other with respect. I suppose I ought to work on treating others with respect even if it isn’t reciprocated and walking away from those who don’t buck up when I call them out. It’s something I struggle with, I have a similar situation with a guy at work. He is extremely rude and condescending and it takes me all my effort to try and be professional instead of responding in kind. In that situation though I’m not sure it’s my place to call him out so I just pretend he’s not there unless he addresses me directly and when he inevitably tries to start an argument or butts into another conversation I just ignore him or I end the conversation in as polite a manner I can manage.

[thornz]

I feel you are being dishonest. Not necessarily with me but with yourself. Sex outside of a relationship is supposed to be meaningless. Yes, even in friends with benefits situations. This is why these situations always have an expiration date, because you simply cannot have sex with someone, gain an emotional attachment and keep the status quo.

 

You are attaching relationship standards to a friend. Crossing that boundary, which is a natural progression when having sex with someone you have feelings for.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soooo, you want friends who have issues?

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Whatever again your prerogative. No matter your mental state, there is no excuse to treat people badly.

 

If I lash out at a friend because I'm having a bad day, that doesn't make me a bad friend. If I lash out pretend nothing happened and then I do it again, and again, now I'm a bad friend.

 

If I have irritable bowel syndrome and I explain to my friend ahead of time I may have to cancel our outing because I'm having a flare up, Im not a bad friend.

 

If I say nothing and just don't show up, yes I have a legitimate reason, but that doesn't make me any less of a bad friend.

 

To me, it seems like you're attaching to someone in an unhealthy way for unhealthy reasons. He treats you badly, and from the sounds of it, you have some boundary issues yourself, you bring out not so good qualities in one another, why continue?

 

No matter who you feel I am being dishonest with, its rude to challenge someone’s integrity based on your own ideals not being theirs.

 

If you feel a FWB situation has no meaning for you and that you are unable to have sex without growing an attachment then that is understandable, however you don’t have the right to tell me that I am a liar because my experience differs from yours.

 

Yes I agree the relationship is unhealthy, at one point we got on great and had a lot of fun but our social group dissolved due to some dramas between certain people so then we spent more time with each other. Too much time with each other and not a lot of time with others. Not the smartest idea. I’ll be putting some effort into expanding my social circle again.

[figureitout23]

No matter who you feel I am being dishonest with, its rude to challenge someone’s integrity based on your own ideals not being theirs.

 

If you feel a FWB situation has no meaning for you and that you are unable to have sex without growing an attachment then that is understandable, however you don’t have the right to tell me that I am a liar because my experience differs from yours.

 

Yes I agree the relationship is unhealthy, at one point we got on great and had a lot of fun but our social group dissolved due to some dramas between certain people so then we spent more time with each other. Too much time with each other and not a lot of time with others. Not the smartest idea. I’ll be putting some effort into expanding my social circle again.

 

im not challenging you thorn, im sorry if I'm coming off that way, I'm not even basing my response on my own expierience but rather the dozens upon dozens upon dozens of posters who enter these sexual relationships and stay far past it's expiration date because feelings have grown, but they come up with all these excuses to continue to hurt themselves. You can look at my pasts posts, I don't try to belittle or dismiss any relationship two people have, labels or not, the only two people who can decide how they enjoy their relationship are the two involved and I truly believe that.

 

You posed a question and I responded and I still say we're saying the exact same thing, this is a FWB situation where you have developed feelings, very unhealthy ones in my humble opinion, I feel like you're hanging on because you think you are limited because of your mental health status. That is my humble opinion based on the info given, if I'm wrong I'm wrong, but you asked.

[Batya33]

Yes perhaps you’re right, not very meaningful if you don’t treat each other with respect. I suppose I ought to work on treating others with respect even if it isn’t reciprocated and walking away from those who don’t buck up when I call them out. It’s something I struggle with, I have a similar situation with a guy at work. He is extremely rude and condescending and it takes me all my effort to try and be professional instead of responding in kind. In that situation though I’m not sure it’s my place to call him out so I just pretend he’s not there unless he addresses me directly and when he inevitably tries to start an argument or butts into another conversation I just ignore him or I end the conversation in as polite a manner I can manage.

 

So you just have to be civil - not 'nice" to someone who is rude to you. I think you have the exact right approach with your coworker. Good for you, you're taking the high road.

[thornz]

So you just have to be civil - not 'nice" to someone who is rude to you. I think you have the exact right approach with your coworker. Good for you, you're taking the high road.

 

Thanks, I’ve had a lot of good advice here and therapy has helped me get to this point. I feel like I’ve made a lot of improvement 😇

[thornz]

im not challenging you thorn, im sorry if I'm coming off that way, I'm not even basing my response on my own expierience but rather the dozens upon dozens upon dozens of posters who enter these sexual relationships and stay far past it's expiration date because feelings have grown, but they come up with all these excuses to continue to hurt themselves. You can look at my pasts posts, I don't try to belittle or dismiss any relationship two people have, labels or not, the only two people who can decide how they enjoy their relationship are the two involved and I truly believe that.

 

You posed a question and I responded and I still say we're saying the exact same thing, this is a FWB situation where you have developed feelings, very unhealthy ones in my humble opinion, I feel like you're hanging on because you think you are limited because of your mental health status. That is my humble opinion based on the info given, if I'm wrong I'm wrong, but you asked.

 

Well if there are feelings, which I don’t believe there are, they are his, I’d say we’re both lonely and have limited social activity due to not being locals. Socialising is really important for me to keep on top of my mental health and isolation is very very bad news for me. Given the collapse of our social group and multiple failed attempts for each of us to establish a regular social group beyond the two of us I think it’s the lesser of two evils.

 

We spend a lot of time together but if anything the sexual feelings on my part has diminished. I don’t really have any physical attraction towards him any more, as I expected, because for me it has often happened that if I have sex with someone a couple of times I get bored if there is no romantic connection to sustain my interest.

 

So at the moment I am attempting to kick start a new local social circle and have encouraged him to do the same. I suggested he invite people around more often rather than it just being us.

 

I have noticed since I told him I didn’t like his behaviour the other day he has been a lot more respectful. I think spending more time with others and making new friends will mean we’re a lot happier in general and not so moody and rude to each other on occasions we do spend time together. If we end up not getting on any better well we will have other people to hang around with and not be lonely and depressed.