Confronting long term female friend

[catfeeder]

I don't know if confronting her will help or not.

 

You know it won't. Instead, liberate yourself from unpleasant and malicious people by coming up with ways to expand your social circle to make REAL friends.

 

Head high, and step away from toxic sandboxes. You'll thank yourself later.

[rapunzel]

You know it won't. Instead, liberate yourself from unpleasant and malicious people by coming up with ways to expand your social circle to make REAL friends.

 

Head high, and step away from toxic sandboxes. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Good advice. However, I will have to leave an entire group of people (some of whom I like) in order to avoid her. Thankfully I do have other friends and other groups of people to hang out with, if I choose. This kind of stuff makes me understand why sometimes it is just easier to hang out with oneself or with my boyfriend and his dog. ;-) That said, I know there are well-adjusted, less catty/gossipy and less malicious women out there so I am definitely going to expand my social horizons.

 

I did call an old friend I had lost touch with last night, we had a great talk and that felt good. I did not feel judged, demeaned or one-upped. Imagine such a thing!

[reinventmyself]

A few years ago I might have felt the way you do. We are about the same age and I can't say for certain what changed this for me, but the best thing I can come up with is. . I don't really care. Ha,ha. I think when you get to this point in life people can just sense it. I am not sure, but that's what I am going with :)

 

If someone wants to talk badly about me, give it your best shot. I live my life honestly and if you can find something about me to pick at then go for it. I am just not that interesting :) (and people who typically do what you described are really insecure)

 

I joined a woman's Meetup in 2011 and the 2 organizers ended up hating each other. The more alpha of the two ran the other off and from that point on the one that remained played horrible mean girl games for as long as I can remember. She didn't much care for me and I was ok with that. Because afterall, she couldn't possibly know me well enough about me to have an opinion. I just didn't cow-tow to her and steered clear of her when she acted up. I think because I wouldn't join her `team' I wasn't to be trusted. Again. .If someone operates on this type of agenda, we aren't likely going to be friends.

 

This group of women has been conquered and divided a dozen times and now with the Meetup disbanded, we have a core 20 ladies that still socialize. And yep, that badmouthing alpha woman is still in the mix! But she tries to win me over now. .Which to me is somewhat comical. At this point I am probably just a challenge she can't quite figure out. That and she's matured amd mellowed a little. . .a little.

 

In just the time it took to explain this gave it more attention than it deserves.

 

My mother gave me some advise a long time ago. "if you smell a rat, chances are everyone else does too"

 

From reading the whole story I don't doubt for minute that everyone sees what you are experiencing. Just carry on and don't let them rattle you. People won't continue to poke at you when you don't react. It's just not that fun anymore and they'll move on to someone else.

[catfeeder]

Good advice. However, I will have to leave an entire group of people (some of whom I like) in order to avoid her. Thankfully I do have other friends and other groups of people to hang out with, if I choose. This kind of stuff makes me understand why sometimes it is just easier to hang out with oneself or with my boyfriend and his dog. ;-) That said, I know there are well-adjusted, less catty/gossipy and less malicious women out there so I am definitely going to expand my social horizons.

 

I did call an old friend I had lost touch with last night, we had a great talk and that felt good. I did not feel judged, demeaned or one-upped. Imagine such a thing!

 

You are free to maintain friendships with individuals from the group one-on-one, or by mixing any number of the group together in your home or by offering specific invitations. However, I'd avoid discussing anyone else from the group while with any given person. You're simply not obligated to accept any invitations that will include mean-girl.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[Batya33]

You are free to maintain friendships with individuals from the group one-on-one, or by mixing any number of the group together in your home or by offering specific invitations. However, I'd avoid discussing anyone else from the group while with any given person. You're simply not obligated to accept any invitations that will include mean-girl.

 

Head high, you can do this.

 

Yes, and I really hope you can do this - it's not right for you to lose each of these women as friends.

[catfeeder]

Yes, and I really hope you can do this - it's not right for you to lose each of these women as friends.

 

If they're 'lost,' then they were never real friends in the first place.

 

One note of caution. If any of them tries to discuss mean-girl or anyone else in the group, it's a red flag that tells you to avoid them going forward, too. Don't get sucked in. Just respond that you're upholding a new year's resolution not to gossip and you'd love to discuss anything else in the world except your mutual friends--then change the subject, make a graceful exit as soon as possible, and then leave that person alone going forward.

 

The adage to 'choose your friends carefully' means that YOU are responsible to do the choosing. You're also responsible for setting the tone of your relationships. If someone shows you an inclination for disloyalty or fishes for convo about others, you KNOW that they'll also talk badly about you. So skip them.

 

Loyalty is never a given. Trust needs to be EARNED. Set your trust meter to a neutral 5 on a 1-10 scale, and observe people as they show you over t.i.m.e. whether they are worthy of more trust, or whether you should withdraw trust and exit from them.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[Batya33]

If they're 'lost,' then they were never real friends in the first place.

 

One note of caution. If any of them tries to discuss mean-girl or anyone else in the group, it's a red flag that tells you to avoid them going forward, too. Don't get sucked in. Just respond that you're upholding a new year's resolution not to gossip and you'd love to discuss anything else in the world except your mutual friends--then change the subject, make a graceful exit as soon as possible, and then leave that person alone going forward.

 

The adage to 'choose your friends carefully' means that YOU are responsible to do the choosing. You're also responsible for setting the tone of your relationships. If someone shows you an inclination for disloyalty or fishes for convo about others, you KNOW that they'll also talk badly about you. So skip them.

 

Loyalty is never a given. Trust needs to be EARNED. Set your trust meter to a neutral 5 on a 1-10 scale, and observe people as they show you over t.i.m.e. whether they are worthy of more trust, or whether you should withdraw trust and exit from them.

 

Head high, you can do this.

 

I meant lost in the sense that she seemed to feel she had to choose to distance herself from them, and I agreed with you that that should not be necessary and the result should not be "loss".

[rapunzel]

Thanks catfeeder and Batya33....

 

In reflecting on both of these women and the situation, I am choosing to distance myself from them. In fact, this has been gradually happening since they joined forces...some of it occurring organically as what happens in life.

 

"Linda" as I stated before, is a classic queen bee with a thirst for gossip. She thrives on it, and in fact, routinely will profess her desire for it e.g.,"So...do you have any gossip?". Over time, it became clear to me that she will gossip about anyone and everything and her thirst for it borders on pathological. With her penchant for her beloved gossip, I am dead certain that anything I have told her about my personal life has been passed around. I have thus mostly stopped sharing information with her, especially since she and "Molly" became close. This situation is interesting because if I EVER dared to socialize separately and/or befriend one of Linda's friends, and did not include her, she would have my head on a platter.

 

Molly, who I've known for almost 20 years, has been rude to me enough times that I have realized she no longer is someone I want give much time and energy to. She apologized once to me in the past but the incident last week, not a word. I am not the only one and appreciate that others in this thread have pointed out that people in the group are well aware of her personality/issues. She has been anti-social and rude to other people, in fact, I witnessed her take down her boyfriend in a most embarrassing, angry and inappropriate way over a minor incident, calling him names "you're a f*cking dope" and then turn to me like it was the most natural thing in the world, and nothing happened out of the ordinary. Really bizarre. I do wonder why her boyfriend stays, although I don't know him that well (he did remark to me once in exasperation after a blow out that Molly "is crazy"). I'm guessing he stays partly due to financial circumstances and she has provided him with a place to live. I have heard other stories of her abusive nature and have seen it firsthand. It is NOT my problem.

 

I'm getting stronger, and I am feeling a change in myself. It feels good. I am a late bloomer but I have heard that the 50's are a time of change in more than one way for women. With life getting shorter, we have less tolerance for people who are unkind, intolerant, who don't have our back so to speak. If someone repeatedly makes you feel badly and you keep going back to that person, something is not right. It would indeed be masochistic...to keep going back for more. Neither one of them feels like a friend at this point. They are feeding off of each other and getting some payoff from their new found friendship that they don't get with me. And they both seem to feel the need to put me down, to keep me "in my place". Jealousy? Female competitiveness? There's a term for it: "relational aggression". It's all very interesting from an armchair psychological perspective!

 

Onwards and upwards! I know I can deal with the social ramifications, it might be uncomfortable but it is doable. I have the power.

[Batya33]

Good for you! I am in my 50s, I agree with everything you wrote and I wish I could hang with you and be your friend!

[rapunzel]

^^Thanks, me too!