How to deal with panic attacks

[DoneWithU]

My girl friend of three years dumped me and is now dating someone else. How do I make the panic attacks stop. I've got knots in my stomach and can't picture anything but her and this new guy together in my head.

 

I realize the relationship is over, I realize she's moved on but it's painful as hell. The girlfriend is also a co-worker so I have to see and communicate with her every day.

 

I'm 47 over-weigh, have a bad heart, owe a ton of back IRS bills and "retroactive child support" have a lien on my house, an ex-wife who is always trying to make my life more difficult and a business that used to do well but is now faltering.

 

I know I have to fix all these things but it seems like an impossible task.

 

The now ex-girlfriend is also a bit over-weight, has three rambunctious young boys and both anger and anxiety issues, but for the last three years we've helped one another through our divorces. Both of us were dumped.

 

She dumped me because I'm often depressed, sleep too much and have lost most of my ambition. I realize this is my fault.

[Wiseman2]

Don't get down on yourself and get the help of an accountant, financial planner to restructure your debt, child support and start with that. One thing at a time. The gf was just a divorce band aid so now all the built up issues seem like a tsunami coming at you.

[James3270]

Work on you. Very much easier said than done, but what other options do you have?

 

Make goals to lose weight and get your business going. She's going to be in your head for a while and that's completely normal, but you just need to roll with it. Have faith. Sometimes these things happen to give you the push you need and you're usually better off for it.

[DoneWithU]

Work on you. Very much easier said than done, but what other options do you have?

 

Make goals to lose weight and get your business going. She's going to be in your head for a while and that's completely normal, but you just need to roll with it. Have faith. Sometimes these things happen to give you the push you need and you're usually better off for it.

 

 

 

Ok that make perfect sense -long term, but what can I do this very minute to make the knots in my stomach go away and releave this terrible feeling of worry?

[Carus]

Hi DWU* ~ It's another 3am sleepless night here so just quickly:

 

1) Cut off contact with your ex. Do NOT go looking at her social media etc.

 

2) Start tapping your body and name the spots you are tapping and feel yourself tapping them.

 

3) Look around and start naming things you see. A chair. A table. A cup....Keep doing that until the panic subsides. When I'm in the traffic I name the colour of each car that I see. White, Red, Black, White, Yellow etc....

 

4) Count slowly from 10 to 1.....

 

5) Watch this video ~

 

Keep at it until the panic subsides as it's going to keep coming at you for a while yet as you are still so fresh in the breakup.....

 

Hope this helps. I know how horrible it is......

 

Carus*

[Johnny Utah]

Breathe.

 

In and out. Close your eyes. Meditate.

 

Your problems do not define you. They do not make who you are.

 

The tiniest grains of sand form the largest mountains and it starts with a tiny grain of sand of water molecule to wear down and form the deepest valleys.

 

Everything starts with a breath.

 

The solution to your problems start with one task. One chip. One breath.

 

Start with the breathing and then maybe make a list. Or a phone call.

[ShatteredMan]

Your world must seem absolutely out of control. But you can take it back, one step at a time.

 

In addition to the suggestions above, every day set a goal that you're going to take a step toward moving the needle in a positive way in each of these problem areas for you:

 

1) Financial planning - ala Wiseman's advice. You'll reduce some serious stress by taking this step.

2) See a doctor and get a physical with a full blood workup done. Pay special attention to your testosterone and blood sugar levels. If they're out of whack, use the goal of correcting them as your second step.

3) Take control of what you eat. Cut the sugar, carbs, salt and fat. You know that eating what ever you want and as much as you want probably gives you a sense of psychological control. Now you need to really exercise real control over them.

4) Get professional therapy if you know you need it. There's no shame in it.

5) Once you get control of your diet, get a trainer in the gym

 

Good luck with this. Keep us posted.

[DoneWithU]

I went through the same thing when my wife left me three years ago. But I've learned a lot since then. Then I was the dumb a$$ who had the private detective, read her email, stalked her every move and everything I learned just made me feel that much worse. That was three years ago and it still hurts, but obviously not as much but for six months I barely got out of bed. The anti depressants didn't help an ounce.

 

Now I'm in the same situation but I've gone out of my way not to know what shes up to, all I know is she said there's a new guy and I said "wait, I don't want to know anything else. Go do what you think you need to do. have a great life, I wish you the best.

 

It doesn't make it much easier. Never fun to think of someone you loved sharing themselves with someone else. I have no idea how it doesn't bother some people.

 

Like everyone said, I'll focus on getting my house back in order. It just really sucks to be alone. I know some people are fine with it, but I'm the type who likes to have someone to sleep next to every night.

[DoneWithU]

I really need to fix myself, these people are not all leaving my life because I'm a perfect guy. I'm selfish, I like taking guy vacations to ride motorcycles cross country, I like to drink, I treat my children differently than my girlfriends children, I get upset easily. I'm not good for anyone until I get all these issues taken care of.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Look, I know nothing about your divorce or why you got divorced or anything but speaking from a woman’s point of view, instead of spending money on a private detective, why not pay that back child support huh?

[DoneWithU]

Look, I know nothing about your divorce or why you got divorced or anything but speaking from a woman’s point of view, instead of spending money on a private detective, why not pay that back child support huh?

 

You've got the timeline wrong. The private was prior to the divorce and prior to the separation.

 

Also you seem to think that child support is fairly calculated and men should just pay it.

 

My wife had a really good attorney, he came up with something called "retroactive child support" and although my wife and kids were living with me that year, I got charged back child support for that year. ? I already paid all the bills for my kids and the ex that year and they charged me again.

 

 

I also had the best year in business ever the year prior to the divorce and that's the amount of money the judge went with while calculating my payments despite the fact that the ex and I had the same job and many years she made more than I did.

 

I've got 50/50 custody of my kids. The ex wife and I are both Realtors. we both have the same opportunity to make similar money but I have to pay a good deal of child support because the year prior to the divorce she decided to work less. You tell me how that's fair?

[11moreweeks]

Look, I know nothing about your divorce or why you got divorced or anything but speaking from a woman’s point of view, instead of spending money on a private detective, why not pay that back child support huh?

 

He said this was three years ago.

 

[Child support issues]...You tell me how that's fair?

 

As someone who was raised with child support...It's not and I loathe the system, but that's not really the issue I think is hoping to be addressed (panic attacks)

 

For myself, I had more of a panic disorder before my breakup, but I fixed it by adopting a mindset that, really, not much else could go worse for me -- the worst of things were over and things would improve if I keep working towards improvement. Weight loss was a huge benefit to me, and while I'd expect you acknowledge this quite a bit.. really, losing weight can do wonders. Don't worry about exercising, or necessarily about "eating right" either -- just try a simple diet where you eat less, maybe throw in a can or handful of vegetables once every day or two for a bit more nutrients.

[DoneWithU]

I've been on the depression diet where you have lost your appetite completely. I'm 6'2" 250 lbs and yesterday I had a Banana and a cup of coffee. The day before it was a few glasses of water and a cheese burrito. At this rate I'll be down 30 lbs in a month. It's 4am right now and I woke up and can't stop thinking about her. I'm seeing my doctor this morning, I'll probably go back on anti-depression meds.

 

I have no interest in food right now. I'm a mess

[figureitout23]

I really need to fix myself, these people are not all leaving my life because I'm a perfect guy. I'm selfish, I like taking guy vacations to ride motorcycles cross country, I like to drink, I treat my children differently than my girlfriends children, I get upset easily. I'm not good for anyone until I get all these issues taken care of.

 

If that's the case you need to work on yourself and make real changes or live your life like this, it seems you are quite clear about the cause of your stress so I'm not sure what you want us to say.

[figureitout23]

You've got the timeline wrong. The private was prior to the divorce and prior to the separation.

 

Also you seem to think that child support is fairly calculated and men should just pay it.

 

My wife had a really good attorney, he came up with something called "retroactive child support" and although my wife and kids were living with me that year, I got charged back child support for that year. ? I already paid all the bills for my kids and the ex that year and they charged me again.

 

 

I also had the best year in business ever the year prior to the divorce and that's the amount of money the judge went with while calculating my payments despite the fact that the ex and I had the same job and many years she made more than I did.

 

I've got 50/50 custody of my kids. The ex wife and I are both Realtors. we both have the same opportunity to make similar money but I have to pay a good deal of child support because the year prior to the divorce she decided to work less. You tell me how that's fair?

 

If it's not fair you go back to court. I have some friends who deal with child support, not a single one complains. 9 times out of 10 the solution is easy, go back to court. Complaining about child support while doing nothing to fix it when the court is right there is just a round a bout way of telling the world, 'I'm still bitter'

 

I also find it telling you use the word 'men' should just pay it. Men and women both have to pay child support, whoever has the child less. If it's 50/50 you shouldn't be paying or if you do very little, so go back to court, if it's back child support and it's wrong go back to court. Courts don't just go on the word of Jim bob, they calculated back child support on some evidence, if you know it's wrong prove its wrong or get over your bitterness and take care of you kids.

[figureitout23]

I've been on the depression diet where you have lost your appetite completely. I'm 6'2" 250 lbs and yesterday I had a Banana and a cup of coffee. The day before it was a few glasses of water and a cheese burrito. At this rate I'll be down 30 lbs in a month. It's 4am right now and I woke up and can't stop thinking about her. I'm seeing my doctor this morning, I'll probably go back on anti-depression meds.

 

I have no interest in food right now. I'm a mess

 

That's good. See your doctor. One day at a time.

[DoneWithU]

I've been to court so many times they are sick of seeing me and when they do set court dates it's six months to a year out. My ex is bitter and takes me back to court on a regular basis as well. My 50/50 custody is always in peril although I've done no wrong and the living conditions at my house are much nicer than hers. We spent $12,000 for a court appointed shrink to spend three days with each of us, at our houses and with our children. The shrink said I had the better living conditions and I was awarded 50/50, six months later the ex wants to question it, so back to court we go in September. I really don't want to spend another $12,000 for them to determine the same thing. When will it end? If you think courts are fair, you have not spent much time in court. In family court, the constitution does not apply. I don't have time to go into it now but they break nearly every item of the constitution on a regular basis. The only right you do have is to pay courts and attorneys till you have no more money.

[Wiseman2]

Pick your battles and don't let your kids get caught in the crossfire. Don't make them tug-of-war collateral damage. Sometimes you have to let it go. It's not worth putting them or yourself through all this repeatedly.

I was awarded 50/50, six months later the ex wants to question it, so back to court we go in September. I really don't want to spend another $12,000 for them to determine the same thing. When will it end?

[DoneWithU]

I don't ever want to spend another day in court. I just want to keep the 50/50 custody I have now. The monthly child support bill I pay now was still calculated based on her lies, but it's affordable compared to what it once was. I wish the judge would just see that my ex-wife and I have the same job and the same ability to make the same income and leave it at that. Instead they go on what I "Should be capable of making" and what my ex made the year we got divorced rather than a 5 year average for both our incomes which would have actually put her slightly above me. Even if she did make more money on a regular basis I would not ask for Child Support. She does it out of spite and because she can get away with it.

 

I try not to think about it, just like a half dozen other things that I try not to think about now. Believe it or not I was a really happy guy prior to my divorce, since then I've been a wreck.

 

Every month I just write out the check and put it in the mail. I've been beaten into submission.

[Flip00008]

@DoneWithU Hey! Sorry this is going on. Breakups can be rough. I dated a girl for a long time and thought that she was the "one". We was planning a vacation together and the night before the trip, I ran to the local Walmart to get a new beach towel. On the way I see her car at a local restaurant. I pulled up, to only catch her in the back of the car with someone else. It broke me. I lost interest in everything, I hated everyone and I just wanted to be left alone. But several months later, I found the girl I now call my wife. God blessed the broken road for me and all the pain was worth it, for me to have her. All I seen was the negativity and the darkness around me, but I missed all the beauty that surrounded me. Have you considered talking with a pastor or a counselor? I will be praying for you!

[DoneWithU]

@DoneWithU Hey! Sorry this is going on. Breakups can be rough. I dated a girl for a long time and thought that she was the "one". We was planning a vacation together and the night before the trip, I ran to the local Walmart to get a new beach towel. On the way I see her car at a local restaurant. I pulled up, to only catch her in the back of the car with someone else. It broke me. I lost interest in everything, I hated everyone and I just wanted to be left alone. But several months later, I found the girl I now call my wife. God blessed the broken road for me and all the pain was worth it, for me to have her. All I seen was the negativity and the darkness around me, but I missed all the beauty that surrounded me. Have you considered talking with a pastor or a counselor? I will be praying for you!

 

 

I've tried counseling a few times, the truth is I get better info from these forums than the Therapy I've been to.

 

Thank you. I need it. I have no idea how some people are not affected by breakups and others it brings their lives to a screeching halt like mine. I guess I'm just a big woose.

[DepthOfField]

First and foremost, please focus on your health. If you feel you're overweight, this is THE perfect opportunity to address this ... !

[oscarisking]

Breathe. What I like to do is lay down flat and just feel my body against the floor or bed and just close my eyes and breathe. If that's not possible because work. Go take a walk. I don't like listening to music as it makes my mind wander. So I just focus on the city/town. Walking helps. If you're consistently having panic attacks - therapy is next step. You seem to have a lot of ME issues you need to deal with first before you can be a good partner. With therapy you may be Rx something to help with the panic attacks. With time those will subside.

[DoneWithU]

I'm doing everything everyone is recommending, yesterday I went on Lexipro (anti-depressant), I've been running on my treadmill every day, I've started meditating, I quit drinking and I'm eating extremely small portions of food. I'm down about 20 lbs over the last month with about 30 lbs to go.

[figureitout23]

I've tried counseling a few times, the truth is I get better info from these forums than the Therapy I've been to.

 

Thank you. I need it. I have no idea how some people are not affected by breakups and others it brings their lives to a screeching halt like mine. I guess I'm just a big woose.

 

As someone who has done therapy, As someone has has friends and family who have done therapy, as sommeone who has friends who are licensed and practicing therapist that I ask for advice, I find the bold incredibly hard to believe.

 

We're not Dr.s, what we say you can take with a grain of salt and argue, which you did with the child support issue, were not going to hold your feet to the fire. This site has been a huge tool in my healing and I'm sure many many others but it's a tool, not the solution. Hell its not even a bandaid. You're dealing with some serious stuff man. Good for you for refilling your medication but think about it that came from a Dr. not us.

 

I'm glad you feel we gave you a push in the right direction, that's amazing, but we can't solve depression, we can't solve panic attacks, all we can do is give you advice from our expieriences. Again, were different from a therapist because we can't hold your feet to the fire and we only know what you choose to tell us, leaving you at a huge advantage. That's not true healing. I hope you decide to put in the work needed.