getting out of this rut

[caliboy]

My fiance and I are stuck in a dilemma. She wanted to stop all physical contact (for religious reasons) about a year ago which has been very difficult for me. Because of this I sometimes get frustrated (sexually?) and become more irritable at times. This combined with her spending habits (likes to buy expensive things when she doesn't have the money for it) creates frustrated arguments between the two of us. So we argue more often then we'd like, plus she has a tendency to become immature and irrational and (she's 30 years old) do the whole 14 year old "I wanna break up"-get back together an hour later thing, which makes me feel insecure about the relationship. Plus she hangs up on me a lot which also adds to this and I feel like she doesn't respect me at all. So on top of it, she has a lot of guy friends and a lot of guy coworkers. I admit I get a little jealous when she talks to me about all the conversations she has with them and it frustrates me sometimes that she'll get advice from them and she takes it when I may have given her the same advice before but won't listen to me, but I think I feel this way because of how she's made me feel insecure about the relationship.

 

So now she's telling me that she doesn't tell me about when she talks to other guys cause she doesn't want to get into an argument, which I feel only puts distance between us. It's not like I have a problem with her having guy friends, but more that she's made me feel insecure about the relationship because of the way she treats me at times so I guess because of this I get a little insecure when I hear about her having a great time with other guys while she disrespects/argues with me. How do we get out of this horrible rut?

[RayKay]

Okay....I am just a little unclear on one thing...by "all physical contact" do you mean ALL physical contact, or just certain limits? Because if she won't even kiss you or show her affection I don't blame you in the least for being frustrated...personally if someone dropped all affection then I would probably be walking, and would feel rather hurt...especially since it was a "newfound thing".

 

How was the sex life BEFORE this decision?

 

Anyway, on to the rest. Your post to me indicates that she is incredibly immature....the hanging up, the "you don't agree with me so I am breaking up with you" mentality, and I honestly am trying to see if she makes you feel insecure and treats you with so little respect why you want to stay with her? Stop tolerating that behaviour from her, set yourself some boundaries. If she is going to break up with you like that, stop taking her back right away, or at all!

 

Don't you feel you deserve a little more than that? She is not going to magically change after marriage you know (and I am not even sure the sex life would improve very much either for that matter). All women are NOT like this, and it sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do when it comes to having a mature, adult relationship.

 

So...what ARE your reasons for being with her?

 

If you do want to be with her, you are both going to have to open up the communication lines in a non-confrontational, non-judgemental way, and BEFORE you get married I HIGHLY advise pre-marital counselling for this very reason and to work on these issues (the communication, the jealousy, the spending/finances) before you take that step to lifelone commitment - marriage is about MORE than love alone...right now you sound like you are on different wavelengths when it comes to many things.

[Jetta]

RayKay is right. Get premarital counseling and honestly decide if this is a person you really want to spend your life with. People generally get worse after marriage, not better, so keep that in mind. It seems like you're getting lucky and seeing her true side now.

[Beec]

First of all be a MAN. This woman hangs up on you and what happens? It seems like nothing. She shows a lack of respect for you and you basically tolerate it. If you let her walk all over you, that is your fault. Put a stop to it or stop complaining about it. You won't get respect if you tolerate her not showing you any.

 

It seems quite simple to me. She does what she wants and you get??? What?? She buys expensive stuff for her and you get?? She decides no sex and you get?? What are you getting out of this?? Not quite sure, but if she does not respect you, it is less likely she loves you, at least form my experience and observations.

 

if you want soemthing out fo this relationship, you need to take control and let her know what you will and will nto accept. So far, you been taking whatever she wants to do, or so it seems to me. Dono't be her door mat, and if you let it continue, it is your fault.

[Iceman26]

I agree completely with Beec on this one.

 

No sex + Spending beyond her means + Guy friends + disrespect = Future divorce.

 

You need to sort this out and stand up for yourself and what you want. If she doesnt want to listen or compromise, then end the relationship. You certainly dont want to be married to someone like that bro.

[someguy69]

I have one question -- what's good about this relationship?

 

Sounds to me like a very unhealthy relationship at the moment.

[Day_Walker]

It seems that you have a vivid picture of who this girl is, especially with her behavior and the way she treats you. These should be clear enough signals that you dont need to marry this girl, if she is 30 years old and still acts immature then you are going to have problems. You have major issues and you are only engaged. You need to look at ti bigger picture here and begin to think if this is the way you want your life to be cuz this is how its going to be if you stay with her. Im not doubting the feelings you have for her but do what is best for you and that seems that she is not best for you. These bahaviors of hers you need to learn not to put up with these actions, it makes you a push over. Stand up for yourself and I guarantee that when she sees that she cant walk over you then her attitidue towards you will change.

[RayKay]

I reread your post, my post and all the subsequent posts from others and I will say it again...don't expect marriage to change her...she is 30 years old and honestly I know of teenagers who act more appropriate in a relationship then she does. While I am unclear of your reasons for wanting to marry her, I am also not sure of HER motives, it does not seem like she has much true love for you if this is how she acts towards you.

 

Be very careful of making that step to "forever" with this woman while you still have the chance, and don't put up with her behaviour just because you are used to it, or you love her...love yourself too.

 

If she is this way in a relationship/engagement how will she be in a marriage when the going gets tough...file for divorce once a week? Run away to a guy friend anytime there is an issue? Hide how much from you exactly?

[caliboy]

I appreciate all your responses. When she does the whole hang up thing, I just ignore her and she ends up calling me later. I've told her before that this lack of respect has got to stop and she apologizes, but it still continues. She's got a temper and has been brought up to be a "strong and independent woman".

 

The sex thing is a religious choice. Her family is VERY religious and I think she's trying to redeem herself from a somewhat active sexual past. We can kiss and hug, but nothing else. She won't even change in front of me because I get frustrated. It's a tough one to comment on because it's her choice of religion and I should respect that.

 

I'm going to talk to her in a little while and I'll reitterate my points. If she can't understand and go by then I'll tell her I can't continue and put the ball in her court. Even though we've already sent out all the invitations... ugh.

[RayKay]

 

I'm going to talk to her in a little while and I'll reitterate my points. If she can't understand and go by then I'll tell her I can't continue and put the ball in her court. Even though we've already sent out all the invitations... ugh.

 

 

It is easier to send out "Sorry, We Cancelled" cards then go through a divorce.

 

She does not sound like a "strong and independent" women....otherwise she would probably not be so concerned about redeeming herself for her family (yes you should respect it, but it does seem a little odd at the same time...) and strong independent women don't throw temper tantrums just because they do not have everyone agree with them all the time.

 

Good luck.

[DN]

Strong and independent doesn't mean making the other person weak and dependent. I'm not saying you are those things but it seems that is what she is trying to do.

 

The thing I think you have to do is decide whether she makes you happy or miserable most of the time. If the bad outweighs the good.

 

Most importantly, you must have an absolute assurance in your own mind that if she is able to change her behaviour before the wedding that she will not revert back after it. And that assurance is going to be hard to get.

[someguy69]

The sex thing is a religious choice. Her family is VERY religious and I think she's trying to redeem herself from a somewhat active sexual past. We can kiss and hug, but nothing else. She won't even change in front of me because I get frustrated. It's a tough one to comment on because it's her choice of religion and I should respect that.

 

Umm... I don't see how you can respect the fact that she had no problem having sex with other people --- but won't have sex with you. If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is.

[Iceman26]

I agree with someguy69. If she decided to commit her life to you, and that you are the guy she is going to marry, then she SHOULD be having sex with you.

 

Out of curiosity, what does she expect you to do with your sexual frustrations while she isnt having sex with you? Does she care?

[caliboy]

She doesn't seem to care what I do about my sexual frustrations. She says Christians should marry those of equal faith. I didn't think she was so hardcore about it though, especially after hearing about her past, but apparently she wants to be a better Christian. This all happened immediteley after we went and saw "Passion of the Christ" fyi

 

I don't think it's her parents she's trying to redeem herself with, but herself. She's admitted to me that she regrets what she's done in the past which makes me feel a little better. She wants to be closer to God so she is trying to obey what the bible says. Although she's not doing a good job of following the part that says the wife respects and obeys the husband.

[DN]

I don't think respecting your husband counts if you aren't actually her husband. The no-sex idea may be foreign to most people these days but it was not that long ago it was the norm - at least in theory. Also, bear in mind that Christianity is about forgiving sins - but they are not supposed to be repeated, so her stance on no sex makes sense to her and her 'past' is irrelevant.

 

 

If you could wait until marriage and this was the only problem in your relationship it may be self-curing once you get married. But you have other serious issues that you describe that would not be so easily removed.

[Iceman26]

She doesn't seem to care what I do about my sexual frustrations.

 

This is huge, because she could be doing other things with you besides having sex. Have you talked with her about any of this since you posted here? The clock is ticking till the wedding my friend.

 

I bet you wish now that you had taken her to see another movie besides "Passion of the Christ".

[RayKay]

 

I bet you wish now that you had taken her to see another movie besides "Passion of the Christ".

 

You should rent the cheesy classic Orgasmo, about a very straight and narrow Mormon guy who ends up acting in porn somehow....as I said, cheesy, but hilarious. Same guys who made South Park and etc.

 

 

Maybe she would see the light

 

Of course, respecting her wishes to wait until marriage is great, and if that is her wish fine...however also telling you she does not care how you take of things...I don't think that will change after marriage to be honest.