Has anyone experienced something similar with successful return of ex bf/gf?

[Confused38]

I feel very lonely and in need of advice, I really don't know how I can continue living in this state of mind.

 

 

My story: I am in my late 30s and I dated a guy 6 years younger than me. When we met he was 2 months out of 3 year live-in relationship that was ended by his ex gf (who he was thinking to marry soon). From brief statements from him his ex was staying at home while my ex has been studying and working 2-3 jobs to sustain the household, and she was demanding of him, very controlling and jealous. She didn't seem to treat him nice at all.

 

I was very understanding of his situation and we tried to take it slow. As he had demanding long hour job I planned our road trips, was buying concert/show/attraction parks like Disneyland tickets and tried to pay for food and other costs at least 50% if not more. We saw each other only on the weekends as I live 1.5hr away and used to drive to his place.

 

I earn more than he does as I have more years of work experience and more established career (but I almost felt uncomfortable that I do and always tried to tell him that he has a great potential and he will be well off at my age too). I never asked him to take me out to expensive places or ask anything of him. I wanted our life to be normal where partners surprise each other with little things, take care of one another. I regarded my ex as a very nice guy, smart, hardworking, reliable (you know the one who will come in the middle of the night to your rescue), responsible, caring, kind and genuine. After string of bad events in my life I thought at last I found someone who enjoys doing what I do, easy going and honest. When we just started dating I told him I am older than him and maybe our goals are not same and he responded, "Maybe I am tired of dating young girls who don't know what they want, age is just a number!" He said he wanted kids and family at some point. We didn't sleep right away took more than a month, he wanted to wait. I think on date number four we had a little power struggle after which he started saying that we are different people, that he doesn't see us long run and I told him that how can he say that when it is date 4 and he doesn't know me??? So I thought we were done, but on date 5 everything seems to be fine and he initiated all kissing.

 

He slowly started trusting me and warming up to me, we grew stronger together and we went through few traumatic life events (like 2 surgeries for me and death of my relative and he had one very bad moment during which he told me other girl would have left him but I stuck around and he appreciated it). He used to send me morning messages with kisses, he used to gift me flowers (in the beginning), he used to obsess if I am cold or not, he would drive across the city to my favorite store to get me a cake that I like, he would kiss me a lot on forehead, my hands and hold me- there were so many little things through which i felt he has feelings for me.

After my surgeries we couldn't be intimate for 4 months out of 10 months we have been together. And even in the beginning we had couple arguments where I felt like he doesn't get very excited about sex and his explanation was that he is tired from work and that it is all in my head. As I went though many traumatic events there couple times where I got too upset at the situation and cried but in general we seldom had anything sad or upsetting going on with us. I think if he was more intimate with me I would have been fine because I always felt like he is not letting me too close and I thought maybe it is because his breakup trauma is too fresh. I know he was not cheating he is not that type of a guy.

Anyways, I had a very bad stressful week when I came over on the weekend. I just wanted to cuddle up to him and he rejected my advances. At that point having it happened so many times I lost it. I decided to leave and break up. I regret it now but in that moment I forgot that I need to stay patient with him, I just wanted my man to love me and he rejected me and I felt like what the hell, will it ever change? I asked him where this relationship is going and received usual "I am not sure." At that point it solidified my decision to leave. I was like, if after all my care, me being understanding, doing things for him, not keeping tabs on him he is still not sure (mind you he was sure about that controlling girl which is a polar opposite of me) then what else can I do??? He cried, he was upset that he hurt me, he was sorry and kept saying that he shouldn't have entered relationship with me when his breakup was fresh, and he said that in his financial state he is not ready for the family or kids (I told him that we both could support each other and I never had expectation that he would need to support me, that I can help us to be OK).

 

Knowing this man I can tell you that he thinks he needs to carry whole world on his shoulders and be provider (he asked me why I need such a broke guy like him?) He also thinks I had made plans for our future way ahead which I haven't as I had health scare that left me thinking that I might even die. I feel he projected a lot from his old relationship on our relationship and I told him many times not to do that I as I am different than his ex and I would never hurt him. Next time we met for a final talk he was very upset (there was also something else unrelated to us that happened that made him very very upset) and so basically he told me that maybe because he just came out of the relationship he couldn't love me the way I needed, that he never told me he loved me to begin with and that he wants me to find a guy who can create family with me. He said I am the best person that he ever met. I told him he is not being logical, he is making a mistake and that I don't believe he had no feelings for me. He said if he didn't have feelings he would have let me go on the 3rd date but maybe my feelings are stronger than his and at this point in life he wants to find balance and he is not getting this balance now. He said he wants to be alone and find himself, he doesn't know what he wants. He told me he is afraid that I would blame myself for all of this and I did nothing wrong and that he also is afraid that I would not let him go. At the same time he told me he is scared he won't meet someone like me and if he were to marry he would marry someone like me. When I asked if he ever felt there was future for us he answered that when we had great moments he did.

 

How can a guy go from being tender to this? Is he just overwhelmed emotionally and confused? Is he telling me all of this to protect me thinking he can't give me much and I can do better? I feel that a lot of things he said through tears were intentional and aimed at me having easier time of letting him go. He said, "If it will be helpful then hate me." We agreed on being friends but he warned me if I try to get back with him through friendship then he would not be friends with me. I have never been clingy I can tell you that, sometimes days will pass with no phone call and couple texts a day from me. I am fairly independent.

 

I am just heartbroken and I don't know what to think of his behavior. I feel hurt that it was pretty much one strike and you are out, with him not even trying to allow our relationship to develop. So he basically didn't value what we had, all that I did for him all good times we had.

 

Is all hope lost for him to change his mind and work on the relationship? Did anyone have something similar with successful getting back together ending? What shall I do, let him go? Sorry for long post and thank you in advance.

[singingstick]

I read the entire post and from what I can gather, this relationship simply ran its course. You guys tried it, it had its ups and downs, then it deteriorated and eventually... ended. I'm sure he has some sort of feelings for you just as you do for him, but his feelings simply weren't strong enough for him to want to stay. I know that sucks and it's very hard to take, but the sooner you accept it, the better. Some things just aren't meant to last forever.

[JustinPonders]

I really, really hate to say this Confused38, but it seems obvious he just wasn't that into you. It's just that simple. He's confused and made all those excuses when what he really wanted to say to you is he's just not that into you and wants you to move on with someone who can give you what you deserve. At this point you should seriously consider moving on. Let this chump go and live his life. For him to lead you on like this is just sad, very sad. Even me, 2 years after my breakup, I still haven't dated because although I've connected with a few women online, I refuse to go out with them because I can tell I'm just not THAT into them and I don't want to waste their time and mine. I need to feel a connection and hoping they feel a connection to me and that's when I'm going to go 100% but until then it's a single life for me. Anyway, I certainly hope you find someone you can fall for who feels the same way for you. Just please don't waste your time anymore with this chump, as hard as it may seem. He's seriously not worth you precious time. You sound like a spectacular woman so whoever is ready and able to handle you next is going to be one lucky man. Good luck!

[1a1a]

You shouldn’t have to be endlessly patient, waiting for your partner to step up and meet your needs

[MissCanuck]

He isn't over his previous relationship, OP.

 

He tried but he can't force himself to feel it if he just doesn't, sadly. I think he liked you well enough, but he hasn't yet healed from his break-up and wasn't on the same page as you. If you are constantly being rejected for sex and made to feel like he is projecting his ex onto you, then you're with the wrong person. And it wasn't one strike and you're out, the way I read it. He had doubts from early on. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, either. He just hasn't let go of his past and can't have another relationship right now. He did try, but reached a point where he just couldn't string you along knowing how he really felt.

 

I don't think he'll be coming back, if I'm being honest. He's made it clear you should move on, which aren't the words of someone who is open to trying again in the future. I'm sorry this has happened; I know you really like him. In the future, steer very clear of guys fresh out of relationships - particularly when they were thinking of getting married and then got dumped. He wasn't in any place to be dating again.

[abitbroken]

he wanted to wait. I think on date number four we had a little power struggle after which he started saying that we are different people, that he doesn't see us long run and I told him that how can he say that when it is date 4 and he doesn't know me??? So I thought we were done, but on date 5 everything seems to be fine and he initiated all kissing.

 

I think that he was right and you fought him on it. You CAN completely tell within a couple dates if someone's life is going in a direction that isn't a match - those first few dates - you talk about your lives, what you are looking for, your goals in life. because you are a little bit older, you both want families but you are an age where its not 'someday' = but you are looking for a husband. He is just out of a serious relationship with the woman he wanted to marry. He needs time to heal and is not ready to have a family as immediately as you would want one (not that you said anything about wanting one tomorrow, but your age implies it). He also is career wise very far behind in being established in his career.

 

Every time that he told you it wasn't a match, you defended that it was. That only lasts for so long. It makes you come off as very desperate. And it frustrates the other person -- you say you are not controling - but you have told him several times on why his feelings were not correct and that he should not follow his gut or conscience. That is very manipulative.

 

Also, you say you kept going through all these traumas? Like what? did your house burn to the ground, did a peer relative die (a sister or very close cousin who is your same age is more traumatic than a great-grandparent dying because it makes one consider their own mortality), etc? If it was just work stuff, then maybe he also did not want to be with someone so dramatic.

 

 

At any rate, you should not have to convince someone at why they should be with you. if someone doesn't feel its a match, then you say NEXT. The resulting breakup was prolonging the inevitable.

[abitbroken]

In the future, steer very clear of guys fresh out of relationships - particularly when they were thinking of getting married and then got dumped. He wasn't in any place to be dating again.

 

and never beg or try to 'sell yourself" to someone on why they should date you.

[MissCanuck]

and never beg or try to 'sell yourself" to someone on why they should date you.

 

Exactly. The right person doesn't need convincing.

[ShatteredMan]

At any rate, you should not have to convince someone at why they should be with you. if someone doesn't feel its a match, then you say NEXT. The resulting breakup was prolonging the inevitable.

 

Truth. As painful as it may be when you're in this situation, its not fair to either of you to have to deal with this BS. That being said, be careful because if you walk away from this you have to MEAN IT! It takes a lot of strength to do, it takes even more strength to stick to NC but once you do, it will allow you time and space to heal from this. Once you've healed, centered yourself in every way, you'll be ready for someone else that isn't going to play this game with you.

[cedricz]

When you start dating someone you should always be wary of the status of its previous breakup; you don't want to be the rebound.

I feel sorry for you, but reality is that this guy isn't over his girlfriend

 

I am in the same situation than your ex boyfriend; got into deep business / finance problems this winter, got depressed and dark, and neglected my girlfriend who i wanted to propose. She dumped me and moved on with another guy few weeks later.

 

A couple of months later i start dating this cool girl, we even go on some holidays together. But when we came back, i decided to stop because i was pining way too much for my ex and it wasn't fair to her. I thought it could make me forget and move on but it didn't. My feelings couldn't grow in these conditions

 

You never know how things will turn out later; guys often reconsider and come back; but i wouldn't bet on it.

I don't think i will ever get back to this girl, but it is also because i think we aren't meant to be together regardless

 

Don't try to be friend with him; it is not what you want and you must have self respect to be able to move on

He won't respect you if you hang around him like a puppy