Settling down versus Life experiences...

[rich46]

Hi all,

 

Not posted for a long time, but just wanted to get something off my chest that I have been thinking about, and to see if anyone else can relate and/or offer opinions on.

 

It is an anecdote I often tell, but basically after a huge break up in 2004, which first led me to these forums, I somehow dragged myself off the floor and went backpacking to New Zealand for a year in 2005-06. Best decision I ever made, and it remains the best year of my life. But anyway, I remember staying in a hostel during my first week there, and I met an old Canadian guy who was backpacking around the world. Probably in his 70s. I was a fresh faced backpacker with few stories to tell, but this guy had so much knowledge and stories and life experience, and I remember telling him how I hope I am like him when I reach my older years. I only knew him a couple of days, but I think those few beers with him one evening really struck a chord with me.

 

I definitely got the travel bug in the proceeding years and did a lot of backpacking, before settling down as a teacher in Korea for a couple of years as I hit my 30s, and then Japan where I worked for 7 years in a lovely place in the mountains, and now I have just moved to Kyoto and will begin a new job next week.

 

Now the background is out of the way, I want to get to the point:

 

Basically, I feel conflicted with how I want to proceed with my life.

 

On one hand, I think it is natural that we all feel like making a connection with someone and settling down, especially at my stage of life. Human nature. I had a long term relationship in Japan (3 years) but i have been single now for 2-3 years, as the sudden nature of the last break up affected me badly and it has taken a long time to fully get over. Now I am getting the urge to meet someone, date, potentially start a relationship again.

 

So what's the problem?

 

The problem is that on the other hand, I hear the Canadian guy's voice in my head, all the stories that he told, and I worry that if, for example, I meet a Japanese girl here and settle down, then I would be, strange to say, 'trapped' here. I have only just moved to Kyoto, but I am already thinking about in a year's time when my contract ends, on how I want to live in Taiwan, Hong Kong, perhaps a different part of Korea than before, etc etc. I feel like a kind of pressure to fill my life with many different experiences, many different places, so I can eventually look back and be satisfied with all the things I did.

 

It's a conundrum that plays out in my mind, and i suppose I need to try and focus on the here and now rather than looking too far ahead.

 

Any one else feel the same conflicted emotions? Or am I as unique in my outlook as I sometimes feel haha?

 

Thanks for reading my rambling - feels good to type it out actually!

 

Rich :)

[WaywardKiwi]

Rich,

 

Get out of my head. Honestly, there are eerie similarities here mate; I lived the backpacker life for 1.5 years in Australia (also one of the best times of my life and full of likewise characters), I am currently 2 years deep in Japan (also a decision that followed the break-up of a 5 year relationship), and I so often have the exact same thoughts, doubts and feelings you describe here. I don't know what my future holds, and the paths before me seems to become ever more exclusive; find someone or keep moving...

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. Maybe there aren't any? But you are definitely not alone. In fact, I am myself moving on to Aichi in July - within striking distance of Kyoto. Hit me up on PM, maybe we'll have occasion to commiserate (or celebrate) over a nomihoudai sometime.

 

T

[Keyman]

Another Kiwi guy here, pretty much followed the same route, but I began in my late 30's and backpacked for 5+ years. I've definitely caught the bug and to be honest, really no intention of settling down. I have been through the mental gymnastics to figure out what is best for me and have come to the conclusions that it's my life, so I am going to live for me. It just kinda feels right to do it this way, after years of conflicting thoughts often based around what society thinks is best for me.

 

While backpacking, I too met the 70+ guys in hostels that had been travelling forever. Then after the 3 year mark myself, I start to feel like 'I' was inspiring other young travellers.

 

So many places I have been, so many more I have not. Forever wild.

[empath]

I share your feelings, Rich -- I too have an unsettled life (geographically-speaking). I think the conflicting feelings are quite normal and natural. I have also found – though the interactions are a bit self-selecting (i.e., I tend to meet travel-open people) – that there are very many people in the world that 'love travel' and aspire to do it as much as possible. As travel has become dramatically easier for many people (though certainly far easier for those with comparative wealth, such as many people from 'developed' countries), and lives longer, the sort of conundrum you express is a pretty common one, I think, and increasing by the day.

 

Of course, there is no particular answer to it. However, I see it as a reflection of life itself: there are always advantages and disadvantages, and gaining one set of experiences means losing another. 'Settling down' offers many features that human beings love: community (something I pine for fervently!), comfort, stability. Itinerancy offers novelty, new experiences and perspectives, a project of its own (and people need projects), and its own sort of community (this varies quite a bit, but certainly of travelers, and perhaps in the new locales).

 

Humans tend to desire each of these facets in life. The itinerant life offers a balance much different from the 'settled' one, of course.

 

Again, though, as an emblem of life itself, the feeling of being 'settled' can be illusory – or at least open to interpretation. Simply because one is in one physical location (typically, this means *set* of locations, by the way, because most people do not sit stationary on a couch their whole lives) does not mean that she cannot/ will not lose loved ones, transition in many ways (jobs, illnesses, births, etc.), and will die. The itinerant, especially today, can also have many forms of continuity: online connections are huge, and global trade and travel means we are far less removed from 'home' than we used to be (as one small example, consider the difficulty of finding English material in print in Kyoto even a generation or two ago, as compared to simply opening your browser). Hence, I see these as very much on a continuum.

 

Life is never completely settled nor completely unsettled; when we think it is, it tends to be an illusion (though I tend to see the 'settled' aspect as *more* illusory).

 

After all, living in Japan for some years is not the same as backpacking Australia (nor is it the same as moving one town over from one's hometown, of course).

 

This is all rather abstract, I know, so perhaps unhelpful! But it does not seem inappropriate, given that there is no absolute solution to your conundrum, and I do not think that you were requesting one. :) I am in a similar boat.

 

I would say that the search for 'experiences' can be a bit of a rodent wheel, though; when has one had 'enough' travel and 'enough' experiences? There is no answer to that, either, of course. But it tends to be the case that the more one travels and 'experiences', the more she wants more of it. I think that this should give us pause, even though I value both. We can also question 'experiences' – I am not sure what the Canadian man said (and he sounds awesome!), but was he telling the truth (how would you know)? 'Exaggerating'? (Or downplaying?) Would you have remembered the same experience the same way had you been there? Is his experience walking across the Sahara (or whatever) valuable in itself, something everyone should do (impossible), more valuable than running for office, what? It does occur to me that I have met people who have done 'amazing' things that I have not been that impressed by per se; did they absorb the experience in the same way I would have, or 'ideally'? What about 'Paris Syndrome' (the supposed disorder representing disappointment with highly-anticipated travel)?

 

And so on...

[dias]

Great post empath!

[empath]

Thanks, dias! :) A bit long-winded/ meandering, perhaps, but the OP raises what I think is a very interesting set of concerns...

[rich46]

Rich,

 

Get out of my head. Honestly, there are eerie similarities here mate; I lived the backpacker life for 1.5 years in Australia (also one of the best times of my life and full of likewise characters), I am currently 2 years deep in Japan (also a decision that followed the break-up of a 5 year relationship), and I so often have the exact same thoughts, doubts and feelings you describe here. I don't know what my future holds, and the paths before me seems to become ever more exclusive; find someone or keep moving...

 

Unfortunately, I don't have any answers. Maybe there aren't any? But you are definitely not alone. In fact, I am myself moving on to Aichi in July - within striking distance of Kyoto. Hit me up on PM, maybe we'll have occasion to commiserate (or celebrate) over a nomihoudai sometime.

 

T

Thanks for your reply - definitely plenty of similarities in our situations, and it is reassuring to know that there are others who have the same feelings as me.

 

Definitely, will PM you later and be sure to let me know when you visit Kyoto - autumn especially is spectacular here.

[rich46]

Another Kiwi guy here, pretty much followed the same route, but I began in my late 30's and backpacked for 5+ years. I've definitely caught the bug and to be honest, really no intention of settling down. I have been through the mental gymnastics to figure out what is best for me and have come to the conclusions that it's my life, so I am going to live for me. It just kinda feels right to do it this way, after years of conflicting thoughts often based around what society thinks is best for me.

 

While backpacking, I too met the 70+ guys in hostels that had been travelling forever. Then after the 3 year mark myself, I start to feel like 'I' was inspiring other young travellers.

 

So many places I have been, so many more I have not. Forever wild.

Can I ask what caused you to make the decision to start backpacking in your late 30s? Was it a break up or some life-altering event? Or just a slow build up of boredom in the every day grind that eventually came to a head? Whatever the reason, hearing your story made me feel reassured, and a bit calmer about 'racing against the clock' to fill my life with experiences - I am not exactly over the hill yet.

 

I have been through the mental gymnastics to figure out what is best for me and have come to the conclusions that it's my life, so I am going to live for me.

I feel the same for the mostpart, but I do occasionally worry that all the solo travelling around the world has made me hyper-independent, to the point where I feel almost selfish at times, and I can't ever imagine being able to live with someone on a permanent basis. That is the conflict, because I love being on my own, but of course I would like to meet someone special too.

[rich46]

I share your feelings, Rich -- I too have an unsettled life (geographically-speaking). I think the conflicting feelings are quite normal and natural. I have also found – though the interactions are a bit self-selecting (i.e., I tend to meet travel-open people) – that there are very many people in the world that 'love travel' and aspire to do it as much as possible. As travel has become dramatically easier for many people (though certainly far easier for those with comparative wealth, such as many people from 'developed' countries), and lives longer, the sort of conundrum you express is a pretty common one, I think, and increasing by the day.

 

Thanks empath for a thought-provoking reply :)

 

I liked this:

 

Of course, there is no particular answer to it. However, I see it as a reflection of life itself: there are always advantages and disadvantages, and gaining one set of experiences means losing another. 'Settling down' offers many features that human beings love: community (something I pine for fervently!), comfort, stability. Itinerancy offers novelty, new experiences and perspectives, a project of its own (and people need projects), and its own sort of community (this varies quite a bit, but certainly of travelers, and perhaps in the new locales).

I wonder if 'settled' people envy my lifestyle, just as I envy on occasion, for example, my two older brothers who both have children, nice houses, pets, live in the same village as my parents, etc etc.

 

As you say, advantages and disadvantages, but I think 80% of me is more than happy with how my life has played out so far, it is just that nagging 20% that rears up occasionally, most likely because I am out of my comfort zone again, about to start a new job having been comfortable for 7 years in my previous work. I think during times of change and unease, it is natural to crave your support network, but my experience tells me that these feelings will pass after a few weeks, once I am into a new routine.

 

I would say that the search for 'experiences' can be a bit of a rodent wheel, though; when has one had 'enough' travel and 'enough' experiences? There is no answer to that, either, of course. But it tends to be the case that the more one travels and 'experiences', the more she wants more of it. I think that this should give us pause, even though I value both. We can also question 'experiences' – I am not sure what the Canadian man said (and he sounds awesome!), but was he telling the truth (how would you know)? 'Exaggerating'? (Or downplaying?) Would you have remembered the same experience the same way had you been there? Is his experience walking across the Sahara (or whatever) valuable in itself, something everyone should do (impossible), more valuable than running for office, what? It does occur to me that I have met people who have done 'amazing' things that I have not been that impressed by per se; did they absorb the experience in the same way I would have, or 'ideally'? What about 'Paris Syndrome' (the supposed disorder representing disappointment with highly-anticipated travel)?

The Canadian guy was not boasting or anything, and I can't really remember any specifics of what we talked about, but he simply opened my eyes to the different route that my life could take, and I am proud that I followed through with it over the proceeding 13 years.

[thealchemist]

Well as an extremely settled guy I am very content and happy.

 

My wife and I travel some. Although I love the natural outdoors a ton more than an urban metropolis.

 

So it is pretty easy to get my travel fix because I just go canoeing down a river for 5 days. Or go on a 100 mile backpacking trail. I just bring my family along for the ride.

 

So as a very settled guy I don't miss the nomadic style because I can get my fix elsewhere.

 

My wife and I also have a savings travel fund so we can go travel during the summers after our kids are grown.

[rich46]

Well as an extremely settled guy I am very content and happy.

 

My wife and I travel some. Although I love the natural outdoors a ton more than an urban metropolis.

 

So it is pretty easy to get my travel fix because I just go canoeing down a river for 5 days. Or go on a 100 mile backpacking trail. I just bring my family along for the ride.

 

So as a very settled guy I don't miss the nomadic style because I can get my fix elsewhere.

 

My wife and I also have a savings travel fund so we can go travel during the summers after our kids are grown.

Sounds like you have a nice balance there :)

[Batya33]

It depends on the individual and what "experiences" they want/crave and balancing the benefits of maybe having to sacrifice some of those experiences vs. the benefits of having a family. I do know people who travel all the time and have a family -spouse, kids, etc. I also know people who complain because they can't experience nights out with the girls, or weekly mani-pedis - or they get distracted from going on Pinterest to plan the theme of their 2 year old's bday party because the baby needs to be fed. I also know of people who know themselves and want to do things that are inconsistent with having the kind of family they would like to have -so they wait and have their experiences whether it's travel or being a starving artist or grad student. Know thyself. Try not to think in extremes -be really specific and honest about what you want to do in reality and then consider whether there's a way to still do that, a compromise,etc. My friend who's spouse works full time and they have two rambunctious boys and a puppy recently trained for and did a 2 day "relay" triathlon kind a thing in another state. For them that worked and she'll probably do something like that again. For others it would never work.

 

I had a lot of diverse/exciting/adventurous (to me) experiences pre-marriage and child. But I was 42 when I married and had a child and lived in a huge, major city for the first 43 years of my life. Now I find it truly exciting when my supermarket carries my favorite organic bread and I can have a full cup of uninterrupted coffee. And when my son sleeps till 6. I'm not being sarcastic. I won the lottery when I was able to get married and have a child later in life. I don't feel like that every second. I do feel at times like I sacrifice. But I was more than ready and so I don't relate to the parents who complain to the extent they do about being "settled down" and sacrificing. It's all about self-honesty. And I'd write it down too -what you want- I find that helps too.

 

Good luck and your travels sound really interesting and adventurous!!

[empath]

Thank you, Rich, for a thought-provoking thread!

 

I wonder if 'settled' people envy my lifestyle, just as I envy on occasion, for example, my two older brothers who both have children, nice houses, pets, live in the same village as my parents, etc etc.

 

Well, based on my experiences, there are an awful lot of people out there that, yes, would envy your situation. This includes people who are unable to achieve it themselves... as well as people (materially, anyway) able to achieve it, but otherwise unable/ unwilling to make the leap.

 

As you say, advantages and disadvantages, but I think 80% of me is more than happy with how my life has played out so far, it is just that nagging 20% that rears up occasionally, most likely because I am out of my comfort zone again, about to start a new job having been comfortable for 7 years in my previous work. I think during times of change and unease, it is natural to crave your support network, but my experience tells me that these feelings will pass after a few weeks, once I am into a new routine.

 

80% sounds phenomenal to me! You have achieved a way of life that suits you well. (For now – this may or may not change.) I definitely have waves of various feelings, and again, can totally relate! Sometimes I will feel extremely unsettled and anxious; sometimes I will feel the sheer exhilaration of nothing but walking in a new place. Both pass, of course. I do think most people require *some* routine – which, again, I think is easier (for better or worse) to achieve now than ever before... even if it means checking my incredibly stupid sports scores after a day alone in some exotic locale. (Heck, this forum is a routine!)

 

Doing it alone – as you seem to be doing, and as I mostly have – is a whole other kettle of fish, too. It can be amazing, but also obviously makes the anxiety more and the isolation heavier. ('Alone' also varies, of course: as you have experienced, one can have relationships, forge new friendships and acquaintanceships, and just be int he proximity of others along the way; but this is meant to signify the predominately 'solo' traveler/ itinerant person.)

 

I know that when I am in more 'settled' position (as I am now, for a few months), I also start getting the movement bug more; conversely, in a situation of isolation/ exotic situation, I tend to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I put myself in that position and pine for comfort...

[dias]

I know that when I am in more 'settled' position (as I am now, for a few months), I also start getting the movement bug more; conversely, in a situation of isolation/ exotic situation, I tend to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I put myself in that position and pine for comfort...

 

Couldn't write it more accurately. It is annoying, isn't it? It's a form of the grass is greener on the other side syndrome!

[rich46]

Couldn't write it more accurately. It is annoying, isn't it? It's a form of the grass is greener on the other side syndrome!

Absolutely, summed up perfectly.

 

I mean, I have recently moved to Kyoto, a city full of beautiful sights and I have just had the most spectacular cherry blossom season here. Most people would be delighted to spend a year living here, as I am about to do, but suddenly all I can think about is how I have been in Japan too long, to the point where I am already researching jobs in Taiwan for 12 months down the line!!

[rich46]

80% sounds phenomenal to me! You have achieved a way of life that suits you well. (For now – this may or may not change.) I definitely have waves of various feelings, and again, can totally relate! Sometimes I will feel extremely unsettled and anxious; sometimes I will feel the sheer exhilaration of nothing but walking in a new place. Both pass, of course. I do think most people require *some* routine – which, again, I think is easier (for better or worse) to achieve now than ever before... even if it means checking my incredibly stupid sports scores after a day alone in some exotic locale. (Heck, this forum is a routine!)

Oh definitely, I am a very organised person and love a routine once I am settled somewhere.

 

Doing it alone – as you seem to be doing, and as I mostly have – is a whole other kettle of fish, too. It can be amazing, but also obviously makes the anxiety more and the isolation heavier. ('Alone' also varies, of course: as you have experienced, one can have relationships, forge new friendships and acquaintanceships, and just be int he proximity of others along the way; but this is meant to signify the predominately 'solo' traveler/ itinerant person.)

And therein lies another conflict, perhaps for another thread, in that my naturally introverted personality means that I am very comfortable being on my own and find too many social situations draining, but then that will result in a lack of close friendships which can increase the isolation/anxiety that you mention still further.

[rich46]

It depends on the individual and what "experiences" they want/crave and balancing the benefits of maybe having to sacrifice some of those experiences vs. the benefits of having a family. I do know people who travel all the time and have a family -spouse, kids, etc. I also know people who complain because they can't experience nights out with the girls, or weekly mani-pedis - or they get distracted from going on Pinterest to plan the theme of their 2 year old's bday party because the baby needs to be fed. I also know of people who know themselves and want to do things that are inconsistent with having the kind of family they would like to have -so they wait and have their experiences whether it's travel or being a starving artist or grad student. Know thyself. Try not to think in extremes -be really specific and honest about what you want to do in reality and then consider whether there's a way to still do that, a compromise,etc. My friend who's spouse works full time and they have two rambunctious boys and a puppy recently trained for and did a 2 day "relay" triathlon kind a thing in another state. For them that worked and she'll probably do something like that again. For others it would never work.

 

I had a lot of diverse/exciting/adventurous (to me) experiences pre-marriage and child. But I was 42 when I married and had a child and lived in a huge, major city for the first 43 years of my life. Now I find it truly exciting when my supermarket carries my favorite organic bread and I can have a full cup of uninterrupted coffee. And when my son sleeps till 6. I'm not being sarcastic. I won the lottery when I was able to get married and have a child later in life. I don't feel like that every second. I do feel at times like I sacrifice. But I was more than ready and so I don't relate to the parents who complain to the extent they do about being "settled down" and sacrificing. It's all about self-honesty. And I'd write it down too -what you want- I find that helps too.

 

Good luck and your travels sound really interesting and adventurous!!

Thank you for your reply :)

 

I have decided in recent years that I don't want to have children, not because I don't love kids, I most definitely do, but I don't think I would like making the necessary sacrifices that raising a child/children obviously entails.

 

My last relationship broke down because of differing plans for the future re: marriage/children, and I believe that is why I have been hesitant to get involved with someone again for, as I said earlier, fear of being 'trapped' here. Seems like most girls in their early 30s here are seeking to settle down and start a family, which is totally fine and perfectly normal, but I am not ready, nor may never be ready.

 

But still, that natural inclination for companionship haha...............

[Batya33]

Thank you for your reply :)

 

I have decided in recent years that I don't want to have children, not because I don't love kids, I most definitely do, but I don't think I would like making the necessary sacrifices that raising a child/children obviously entails.

 

My last relationship broke down because of differing plans for the future re: marriage/children, and I believe that is why I have been hesitant to get involved with someone again for, as I said earlier, fear of being 'trapped' here. Seems like most girls in their early 30s here are seeking to settle down and start a family, which is totally fine and perfectly normal, but I am not ready, nor may never be ready.

 

But still, that natural inclination for companionship haha...............

 

Oh ok I understand! I would look for someone who does not want children/children are grown and also wants to travel a lot or maybe is even able to relocate with little notice. One of my best friends is a world traveler for many years now -she slowed down of course when she had her son but I'm sure she'll ramp up again when he is grown. I wouldn't think of it as "settle" or "life experiences" - depends on how you define "experiences" - and consider the "be careful what you wish for" cliche!

[jennylove]

Ohhh I'd be posting this over on Solo Women Travelers on Facebook.