Lingering/Uncertain situation few months after break up, is it over?

[Tristate0000]

Guys,

I've been dealing with this lingering uncertainty with my ex for a few months now after our break up, just want to know what you guys think and if you could offer any help/advice.

 

So me and my ex broke up in late November/early December last year, we dated for about 3 months, she's a senior in college and I'm 2 years older than her. The reasons being a combination of me being too egotistical and said a lot of things that I thought was joking but ended up hurting her feelings/making her feel insecure, and her being in a place in life where she's stressed out and unstable. So she broke up with me through a phone call, that she told me she doesn't me we will work long term and we should be friends, she thinks if we try to work it out we'll just end up arguing and hating each other and she doesn't want that because she really enjoys spending time with me. It turned into an hour long conversation and by the end we agree to being friends now, and if things work out after her graduation, maybe we'll give it a shot, but there's no guarantee.

 

I became really depressed during the month of December, we remained on talking terms. I reached out to her a few times and she did, too. I asked her to sit down and talk during break and she agreed to it. We met up in early January, the meeting actually has gone even better than I could expected. We were able to open up to each other about our lives/feelings, and I was able to tell her what went wrong and what I did wrong. She was caught off guard because I was so different from what I used to be, she was moved and almost cried. It turned into a really romantic night, and by the end of the night she invited me to stay with her. Although she said we were not back together, but tonight has gone so well she didn't want it to end. We ended up spending the night together, it was really intimate.

 

For the next 2 weeks I was feeling really good, and we were still talking to each other (I probably reached out much too often than I should). After 2 weeks, I sent her a text asking her what's up and that I miss her. She gave me a rant about how she only misses me as a friend, that she feels the message is loaded and there's something more than it actually is. That we're only friends and she doesnn't want to lead me on or be unfair to me in any way, keeping to what she needed to do has been good for her. By the end she said she's confused, too and offered to call me in 2 days so we can figure it out (didn't call after).

 

So I went into no contact from that point on to give her some space, and she started reaching out to me after a week, mostly through social media and texts, responding to my posts and stuff to start small talk/conversation. I kept them short and not engaging too much. And it's been the case for a few weeks, one day as I ended the conversation she told me about the issues she has been going through, so I offered to talk if she needs to. Eventually we got on the phone and we talked about an hour, updated each other with our lives, she told me about the issues in her life, and by the end we set on a date/time to meet up and catch up.

 

We ended up going to a concert together, we had fun and there are some positives (we were at a good place, we were joking with each other while being touchy at times, she told some of her family members about me, etc), but at one point she mentioned that I appreciate her "friendship" when we were joking, and overall there was a wishy washy vibe, including when we said goodbye she said hopefully we'll see each other soon but who knows because of blah blah blah.

 

I honestly wasn't sure how to even feel about this meeting so I went into no contact again, and she wouldn't stop reaching out to me the way she has been doing before. It got to a point I was ignoring most of her messages and she even texted me once asking to me respond to her previous message. At this point it's gotten a little too much for me because of this lingering process of uncertainty. So one day I told her I wasn't ignoring her but I've been dealing with some anxiety in life and I didn't really want to talk to people. She started asking me if I'm okay, though after me repeatedly telling her I'm okay I just need to focus on myself and she needs to focus on school and stuff. She offered to be here for me because I was there for here when things were tough. So I ended up laying it all out to her, that I don't think I can just be friends with her, it's too emotional for me. That I don't resent her, in fact I still admire and adore her but this is just not good for me.

 

She replied a very long message to me, saying that she appreciate my honesty with her, but she cared about me a lot, too. She doesn't know what to do, that she struggles being together with someone without being friends previously. If I need to distance myself from her, she understands but doesn't like it. That she admire and adore me, as well. And I should reach out to her if I ever need someone to talk to or simply just want to catch up. That she would love to have me in her life if that ever works out for me. And she's always cheering and rooting for me. I told her it's just time for me to be honest with her so I can be authentic to both her and me. And I don't have to pretend about my feelings anymore. Maybe we can talk about it after our lives calm down, but who knows.

 

And that was the last time we talked, which is about 4,5 days ago. I'm curious to hear what you guys think about my situation? Sorry it's a super long post, but you guys think it's over or what should I do at the moment? Thanks!!

[Keyman]

This is a little place we call LIMBO.

 

You've reached a point where there is no going forward, so they only other way you can go is out. It is good that you have laid everything out and you both know what is going on. She is wanting just friends, and you want more.

 

As much as it hurts both of you, you need to go full NC, block or at least hide her on everything. Tell her straight up not to contact you and begin moving on without her. Heal from this relationship and get on with your life.

 

This is not to say something may not happen again in the future, but for now, it is a no-go and will only serve to build additional resentment. Close that door.

[Tristate0000]

This is a little place we call LIMBO.

 

You've reached a point where there is no going forward, so they only other way you can go is out. It is good that you have laid everything out and you both know what is going on. She is wanting just friends, and you want more.

 

As much as it hurts both of you, you need to go full NC, block or at least hide her on everything. Tell her straight up not to contact you and begin moving on without her. Heal from this relationship and get on with your life.

 

This is not to say something may not happen again in the future, but for now, it is a no-go and will only serve to build additional resentment. Close that door.

 

Thank you for your advice!

[DanZee]

Well, when she originally broke up with you, she actually broke up with you. Everything you describe since then has been the kind of things that happen when exes still try to be "friends." You had ex sex, you went on a few dates, you talked from time to time, but make no mistake, in her mind she broke up with your and is friend-zoning you. A lot of girls don't know how to break up with someone. Women are nurturers by nature and they try to build networks of friends. They don't like to lose a friend, and that's why when a guy breaks up, that's usually it, but when a girl breaks up it's "we can still be friends." Well, this is what happens when you're still friends after a romance. It's a big reason why the folks on ENA recommend going No Contact after a relationship, mostly because the wound will never heal if you keep picking at the scab. If you can adjust your thinking to accept the "just being friends" philosophy, you might have a relationship like Jerry and Elaine had on Seinfeld. But even though you get a few scraps from time to time, you have been friend-zoned.

[GoodGumbo]

I agree with keyman, she has told you what she is wanting and you need to look out for yourself now. Strict No Contact... All you are doing is letting her move on easily by staying available to her. Take care and just go through the pain of finally letting her go... Then look at the opportunity to find some one else that is even better for you!

[Tristate0000]

Thanks guys, this process of mixed signals have definitely not been easy

[MissCanuck]

I agree with the others - it's time to go No Contact. You can't be friends when you want more and she doesn't.

 

She obviously enjoys your company but she doesn't view you as a romantic partner. For you own good, keep your distance from her.