Should I stay or should I go?

[rcphill]

Hey everyone, looking for some advice as to whether or not I should stay in my current relationship.

 

Brief history of us: In the beginning of the relationship, things were rocky (my SO cheated on me) and we broke up for a few weeks but ended up getting back together. After this, things were pretty good. My SO proposed to me about 7-8 months into the relationship, and still being in the "honeymoon phase", I said yes. We moved in together and have lived together since then (a little over 3 years ago). I broke off the engagement a year ago because I didn't feel ready to take that next step, and this took a huge toll on our relationship. We are finally getting to the point where things are a little more normal but I would not say things are great.

 

I want to just lay out some reasons why I would stay vs. go - please give me your honest feedback as best you can from what I am typing.

 

Why I would stay in the relationship:

- SO truly knows me and accepts for who I am. I have always felt that other people don't really like me and have a very hard time making friends, so it feels good to have someone who loves me and accepts all of my weirdness.

- SO is driven and hard-working which are important qualities to me

- SO enjoys traveling together

- SO has a similar sense of humor as me

- I know that my SO would do pretty much anything to stay in this relationship and truly loves me

- SO is great with pets

- We get along and I do consider my SO my best friend

 

Why I would end the relationship:

- I'm a Christian and my SO is not. When things like Christmas and Easter come around, I find myself longing to have someone who will attend church services with me and really celebrate the true meaning of these holidays. My SO doesn't really want to do things with family so I end up staying home when my parents really want me to spend time with them and I feel bad about this. I know jealousy is wrong, but when I see pictures of other couples who go to church together and with their families, I feel so envious and sad because I really want that. I shy away from going to church because I don't want to go alone and unfortunately right now I don't have any friends as I'm new to the area.

- Differences in who we are. I want to be that person that brings light and positivity into others lives. I'm very spiritual and enjoy reflecting on life, spending quiet time in nature and in meditation, etc. My SO is not like this at all, and I sometimes wish that I had someone who would challenge me to be better, not someone who I feel like is a force against who I'm trying to be. This is really difficult to explain, because my SO is not a mean person by any means, it's just hard to be my true spiritual self when I'm with someone who doesn't really vibe with that.

- I don't feel challenged. When reading scripture, it talks about how in relationships you are to challenge each other to be more like Christ. When one person is doing something that is not in line with the Bible, we are to encourage them to remember what the Bible says about our words/actions/thoughts etc and gently bring them back in line with Christ. Well, being with someone who isn't a Christian, this just isn't possible. If I slip and curse a lot or say judgmental words or am negative, I'm not gently brought back to Christ, nor can I do that for my SO.

 

This is really just a brief listing of things that run through my mind. I feel so distant right now emotionally, which is making me distant physically. I don't know what to do and I'm so scared of regretting a decision I make - either staying with someone I'm not supposed be with OR breaking up with someone I AM supposed to be with. How do you know what's right?

[MissCanuck]

I think that while you love him, you are not very compatible on a fundamental level.

 

Religious differences tend to be magnified when a couple marries or has children. I would imagine that you would want to marry in a church and raise your children the way you were, with Christianity being an important part of that. Is that correct? How do you feel you two would reconcile this difference in beliefs?

 

There are many practical things you like about him, but at the core of who you are and your path in life, there appears to be a very significant divergence.

[rosephase]

It sounds like all the reasons for wanting to end the relationship are you wanting your partner to fix issues with you.

 

You want to go to church? Go. You want to spend time with your family? Spend time with your family. You want to be more light and positive and spiritual? You need to work on that inside of yourself. It sounds like you are looking for someone who will MAKE you grow and who will keep you from ever having to do things on your own. If you want to grow that is your job.

 

It's wonderful if your partner can support you in your desire to grow... but he can't make you do it. That is on you.

[rcphill]

You might be right, rosephase. But I worry that if I'm just off doing my thing, we will drift even farther apart. I want someone who will change and grow with me. I feel like I will leave SO behind if I'm growing on my own and they're staying the same.

[rosephase]

You might be right, rosephase. But I worry that if I'm just off doing my thing, we will drift even farther apart. I want someone who will change and grow with me. I feel like I will leave SO behind if I'm growing on my own and they're staying the same.

 

You are guessing at what will happen. Why not work on being the person you want to be and see what happens?

 

I find having my own life means my partner and are closer, we have more to share with each other.

 

Do you think he'll be supportive of you spending more time with your family and going to church?

[rcphill]

Sorry for the delayed response.

 

There have been instances in the past where I've wanted to do some things on my own and have been told by my SO that I think of this relationship as two separate people rather than a partnership. So I do think if I go off and do things on my own, that will come up again and cause some problems.

 

I know my SO does not care if I go to church, it's just that I wish I had someone to go with and talk to about what I learn, someone to pray with etc. It's hard to live this "double life" where if religion comes up, it's just a fight yet it's something so important to me. If I were with a Christian, I wouldn't have to worry about that...