Struggling not to make contact

[symbolism]

It's ironic, I found this forum as I'd been talking to my sister about a very recent break up ( last Sunday ) of a five year relationship and she mentioned the eight week no contact rule that I hadn't heard of before, a google search brought me here.

 

We've had to break the no contact rule a couple of times to sort out things in relationship to her moving out and also in relationship to what we do about our joint bank accounts, but we're at a period now that the only thing left to communicate could be done through a mutual contact which I think might be best.

 

The relationship itself was filled with a lot of care, and a lot of love for one another but unfortunately the affection and our love life had faded by about year two, into maybe once every week being intimate, and by year three, the relationship was sexless and we had separate bedrooms. We struggled our way through the next couple of years, and she underwent surgery for a health complication that kept us together but the relationship never really recovered and both of us didn't know how to fix it.

 

While we both mutually agreed things weren't great and it wasn't making us happy, the pain I'm going through is that I can tie a lot of our issues back to personal issues I have around affection, having had an awkward childhood and just building walls/isolating people from my life. I care so much about her and want to make sure she's safe, happy and healthy.. I have no thoughts around possession or jealousy and actually hope in a way she surrounds herself in people to help her.

 

But the challenge I have is sustaining the No Contact period, and not wanting to reach out just to say "Hey" - the challenge is we've been friends for a long long time before the relationship, almost twenty years.

 

I'm not entirely sure that I want the relationship to continue, but I know that the only way it possibly could is that both of us make positive lasting change in ourselves, for ourselves, otherwise we'll be doomed to repeat the same mistakes.... partially I'm just looking to vent somewhere, so I don't vent at her but I also find strength in some of the stories that have been shared here by others.

 

Day 1 of NC... rollercoaster ride begins.

[RayRay63]

the relationship never really recovered and both of us didn't know how to fix it.

 

Does she want the relationship to continue?

 

If you both want to fix it you should go together to counseling.

[symbolism]

We tried counselling but didn't mesh with the counsellor, and never attempted to go back.

 

I think she would like the relationship to be successful, but owing to my behaviours she worries she isn't enough for me to be satisfied by and after a couple of years of struggle, she's probably at the end of her rope in being able to fight for the relationship. I think she cherishes the friendship and that will be her goal and focus.

[RayRay63]

Many people can't move on if they go straight to friendship. It just prolongs all the hurt.

 

Maybe you should contact her in 2 or 3 weeks time and ask if she wants to try a different counselor?

 

By that I mean as all you do is both go at the same time. Maybe you both need a bit of space.

[DanZee]

As I understand it, the 8-week No Contact rule applies to men. The theory is that it takes 8 weeks for a guy to realize what he's missing in a break up and to call his girlfriend begging her to take him back and offering love or marriage. So it doesn't apply to women, other than the advice is that if you haven't heard from your guy in 8 weeks, the relationship is permanently over.

 

What people on ENA advocate is No Contact is the only way to get over a break up. If you keep meeting your ex, you're never going to heal. You keep ripping that old wound open every time you call or meet up with her. So the advice would be to leave her alone, heal, and move on with your life. I would say the relationship was over a long time ago and you're just hanging on to some hope you can reignite things. But without sex and intimacy, for a woman, it's over. You probably needed to fix things years ago and it's too late now.

[symbolism]

You probably needed to fix things years ago and it's too late now.

 

I 100% agree with this. The relationship had effectively degenerated to close friends and room mates, who did a lot of stuff together but in a way that any set of friends could do. We have a long history together outside of the relationship and both of us during out break up talk expressed that it sucked we weren't able to translate what was an amazing first year into an amazing relationship.

 

The non contact period for me is more about giving myself a chance to reset my brain and also letting her get used to a big change in her life too. I've been fortunate enough that I've been down on vacation with some buddies in a coastal town quite a way away from where I live, and I've had some good reflection and all reflection indicates that the relationship isn't the right one for either of us to be in, and that would probably solidify given a bit more time - the problem is tomorrow or the next day, the rollercoaster will hit and I'll have a sense of loss for all the wrong reasons.

 

At some point I will reach out, to assess whether or not we're both mature and capable enough of re-establishing a friendship. I've been pretty good in the past with a lot of ex girlfriends becoming close friends because I don't tend to detonate in the final stages of a relationship. I think in this case the friendship will always be there, and the fact that we were hardly affectionate for over a year before we quit possibly makes that easier in a way, it's not like other break ups I've had where we were dynamite in the bedroom and complete everywhere else.

[kbbcoop77]

Separate bedrooms..sexless relationship..this was the end of my 24 year marriage before my ex wife bolted. It’s just over. It hurt like hell but no contact was my savior and got me to the place i am at today, totally at peace with myself and feeling pretty normal thankfully. It takes time. Repeated contact with her hurt like hell and set me back every time.

And honestly I wouldn’t even consider friendship right now. You have to be totally over them to even contemplate it. That’s not 8 weeks that’s probably a year or 2. Or maybe never. Unless you want to discuss her current boyfriend etc?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. There is no such thing as an "eight week no contact rule". Do things that make sense after someone breaks up and moves out. That means severing all finances, making sure all her belongings are out, etc. and contacting for those purposes. Unfortunately the relationship has been deteriorating for years to the point of roommates. Moving out is the end, not a new beginning. Do not try to be friends.

We've had to break the no contact rule a couple of times to sort out things in relationship to her moving out and also in relationship to what we do about our joint bank accounts. the relationship was sexless and we had separate bedrooms..

[Lambert]

Maybe you need time to figure out things for yourself.

 

as with anything with another person, you'll have to decide that together. it sounds like there was something and if you both wanted to put in the work or even just let it be for now.

 

it is a roller coaster. but things will work themselves out. maybe together? maybe apart?

 

but the best thing you can do is look to the future. i kinda get stuck in the past and it can make me sad. so I'm trying to patient with the slow movement of time. life does go on.

 

make good choices from here.....

[symbolism]

Maybe you need time to figure out things for yourself.

 

as with anything with another person, you'll have to decide that together. it sounds like there was something and if you both wanted to put in the work or even just let it be for now.

 

it is a roller coaster. but things will work themselves out. maybe together? maybe apart?

 

but the best thing you can do is look to the future. i kinda get stuck in the past and it can make me sad. so I'm trying to patient with the slow movement of time. life does go on.

 

make good choices from here.....

 

Had a great easter weekend away staying with a friend in a coastal town, consumed far too much alcohol but have been surrounded by really good people and have not really felt the need to dwell or even create the usual conversations with them that would allow me to vent about my relationship. That really helped

 

There is no sense of dread/sadness, I still miss the time we spent together, and the tough part will now be going back to the empty house we were sharing tonight and being by myself for a few nights until the next weekend. I really need to get sorted and get out of there as soon as possible, but it's going to be at least a month or so to sort everything out.