will he ever leave his wife and children for me?

[nikki19]

omg You need to stop now. The man is married! He's someone's husband, he's not yours. You're a contributing factor in the destruction of a family.

The man is a cheater. If his marriage is bad like he says, then he should've decided to either work on it, or leave it. If he decided to leave it, then after a time of adjustment, he could then think about dating. No, he's supplementing his marriage with a little extra-ciricular sex with you.

You're also believing everything he tells you. Chances are he's lying about how miserable his marriage is or else he would have left already. His wife probably has no clue about this "torture". You said in your original post that you can't stand to hear him telling his wife "I love you" on the phone while he's in bed with you. Hellooooooo...he's telling his wife "I love you".

Honestly I don't think this creep deserves either one of you. He's deceiving his unsuspecting wife and family, and he's taking advantage of you and your niavity. You seem like an intelligent women who's been swept up in a dysfunctional idea of love. I don't doubt that your feelings are intense and real. Of course you two never fight. You get the best of him, while his wife gets non-glamorous aspects of a relationship; Laundry, budgeting, raising and disciplining children together, yard work, housework, the list goes on. Not to mention sex together, after being married for some time, does not have the excitment level that would've been there in the beginning.

Put yourself in his family's shoes for one minute, and realize the pain you are contributing to them. You deserve better, his wife and kids deserve better, and he deserves ...well he deserves whatever he gets.

[desparatehousewife]

You asked if he would ever leave his wife for you.

 

The answer is predictably NO. If he's managed for this long then it's not all bad at home. And the ultimate reason will be that he is staying for the children.

 

In order for him to be with you he has to confess to his wife, move out and leave his children. His wife will indeed get custody of the children, he will have to pay child support, and because of the infidelity, alimony. He will see his kids every other weekend. A year dealing with a scorned wife, attorneys, etc. will definitely take a toll on his relationship with you.

 

And, believe it or not, alienation of affection lawsuits are filed everyday in 4 states in the US. Are you in one of those States?

[heat]

You have been waiting for three years....HELLO...He will not leave his wife or he would have made that decision already. If he spends more time with you then his wife and kids, then that gives you the idea of what kind of husband he would make for you or any other unfortunate soul. What do you think of a man who chases booty when he has responsibilities. He cant afford a divorce but he spent at least 400 dollars or so taking you out dining, trips,climbing mountians and things he should have experienced with his two children. He could have also taken that money and paid for a divorce. You are wasting your time and being made a fool of. Start dating different men and leave that loser alone. If her parents does not like his wife because she is mexican, then that makes them racist. A family of racist and cheaters....good luck and welcome to the family!

[stressed1]

Casey_baby,

 

you have my total total sympathy, I am in a v similar situation. I dont think some of the people that post here really understand at all.....yes, like me you want the partner to find out....i wnat and need to do it subtly.

 

sounds, like me, that he is unwilling to leave for all the right reasons and needs that push...and yes you would be justified in telling the wife, the marriage is a complete joke anyway isnt it?

 

she probably knows anyway, so either u wait (like u mine has been 2 years plus...) for a certain trigger or play it vf cool or even tell the wife. he might hate u initially, but wouldnt necessarily be it between u?

 

sometimes u want and have to take risks, the marriage deserves it anyway because he has allowed u in so in some ways its ur right.

 

like me, u want closure, and the thought of the other people being together in a fake marriage is unbearable.

 

my full 100% sympathy.

[Hope75]

Oh Casey Casey Casey....

 

What a mess. I am sorry for you that you let yourself get tangled up in this.

 

You know that if he was going to leave his wife, he would have 3 years ago when you fell in love, right?

 

You've heard other posters tell you that the reasons for him not leaving the wife are the oldest lines in the book, right? The reason he isn't leaving his wife is the oldest one in the book: Because he doesn't want to.

 

How much more of yourself are you willing to sacrafice for substandard treatment and scraps of stolen moments? Do you not feel any sympathy for the children he has, the family he has that he goes home to and leaves you crying at night? Does this not tell you where his priorities lie?

 

Seriously, if a friend came to you and told you she was in this situation, what would you tell her?

 

You know it's wrong. You know you deserve better. You know that no matter how badly the marriage is really going (and I think he is embellishing here to get what he wants from you) that isn't any of your concern because he is married to her.

 

He made a commitment to love, honor and cherish this woman. He is still with her, despite the fact that he is using you and cheating on both of you. Look how he treats his "honorable" commitment of marriage. It will not be any different with you. IF he leaves his wife, and IF he marries you, these children will be in your life, and they will know what happened, and his wife will be in your life forever as she is the mother of his children. This guy has no morals and doesn't care who he hurts, i.e., his wife, his children, you, so long as he gets what he wants.

 

Please, Please know that you deserve so much more than this, and with him you are never going to get what you want.

[Penthouse_Suite]

I know this is an old thread that I dredged up...but it clearly illustrates the wisdom of the age old saying by....well, I forget who said it. BUT:

 

"A man who divorces his wife to marry his mistress creates an instant job vacancy"

 

Word to all the other women out there.....](*,)

[tangi39]

In a word NO- It's been 3 years, if he hasn't already, why would he now ?

 

Do you honestly not see what scum this guy is?

 

I found it strange that his phone kept ringing and he would not pick up, but when I confronted him about he said it was work...

 

Okay, so here's two lies ................

 

 

10 min later Toby called and said this was his roommate who he did not get along with... he said they used to date and she told all his girlfriends that she was his wife because she was jealous.

 

Here's Major Lie # 3

 

later that night we met at a coffee shop and he confessed to me that he was married with two young children (7 & 12), but their relationship had been horrible for several years. they got married when they were 20 because she got pregnant, and 7 years ago after giving birth to a second child, she confessed that he (ironically named Tobias) was another man's baby...

 

Alarm Bell- You NEVER HAVE to get married- There are plently of single parents out there. No matter what she's done- that has nothing to do with you- Don't make excuses for him. It's really low for him to even tell youthat, honestly, Would you want him publicly announcing your flaws ?

Marriage is hard, he wanted unattached sex as escapism, Honey, in all honesty, you met at a BAR.

 

Toby said they are only together because he could not afford to divorce her... from what I know, his parents hate her (she is Mexican), and she treats him horribly.

 

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses- He is an adult, he can do whatever he chooses.

 

 

anyway, I learned about his marriage 3 years ago, and Toby and I are still having sex on a regular basis, going out at night, he even spends the night often: I do not know how he gets away with it. our relationship is great, I feel that he is "the one it seems that we can read each other's thoughts, that we are meant to be together. when I am with him, I feel like there is nothing more I could ask for.

 

Why ? Do you really want to be 2nd choice to someone ? That's what you are. He doesn't love you. It is just sex to him. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, He'd have left her long ago.

Nothing more than a liar and a cheater ?

 

however, I don't know how much longer I can live like this, I don't know if I can listen to him tell his wife "I love you" on the phone one more time while we are naked together, I don't know if I can take one more cancelled date because of family concerns.

 

How do you think she feels ? Think how hard it must be for her.

And sorry , honey- She probably does know. Women usually can tell when their spouse is cheating. The picture is clear- He loves his wife and children and they are more important to him than you- Saying he loves you in front of her only proves he doens't care about your feelings, he is feeding you all the cliches for sex.

And if you DO stay together, there will be more and more cancellations.

Those kids are permanently in his life even if his wife isn't.

 

I have asked him to divorce his wife if he wants our relationship to work--we both love each other and share a lot of precious memories together. he says that he would like to, but he is waiting to secure a promotion at his job. he says he doesn't love his wife, and I believe him because he spends more time with me than he does with his wife, we go together to dinners, concerts, and vacations... we even spend last Christmas together, and I know many of his friends and vice versa.

 

how can I make him leave? I cannot live without him, but I do not want to share him with someone else anymore...

 

You CAN'T make him leave his wife- He has to want to, and he doesn't want to. There will always be some lame excuse he gives you one after the other. Of course he prefers to spend time with you- He can just have fun and treat you like a plaything- then ditch you whenever it suits his mood.

Of course that is prefearable to a family that needs his support, care, and love. None of which he is giving you. If I were you, I'd feel even worse about taking him away from his kids.

 

Even assuming he does leave his wife- Which I don't think he will-

He then marries you- Gets another mistress, tells her what a horrible person you are, that he doesn't love you and only stays with you for this reason or than reason and is naked in bed with her while telling you he loves you.

 

Is this really the kind of husband you want ?

 

I think you need more self respect !

[Rabican]

Take your blinders off, and look at the facts.

 

If he can cheat with you, he can cheat on you. Think about that the next time you think hes the one. Sheesh... just listen to what you are saying. What would you tell a friend, your sister, a daughter in your situation. YOu would say RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!! and you know it!

[richmonder80]

he sounds like a winner. he will leave his kids and wife for you, im sure. But what makes you think he wouldn't do that to you? or has other girls he is banging?

[lady00]

This is a very old thread. I think the OP is long gone.

[george237]

Why don't you leave. All you are doing is hurting his wife and kids.

[Gracelove]

You know what? You should figure out why this "relationship" seems to be working so well for you.

 

Maybe you like the fact that he is unavailable, maybe it takes pressure off of you.

Or maybe it makes you feel like you're siting on a pedestal.

 

I'm sure he is always complimenting you. He probably plays up your fantasies. He probably takes you out places, buys you gifts. And when you're walking down the street you probably feel better about yourself because you know you are "with somebody".

 

If you weren't getting something out of this arrangement you wouldn't stay in it.

 

You say you just don't want to be with anyone else.

 

Maybe you're afraid of REAL relationships, because they aren't just fun and games. In a real relationships, or in marriages, you aren't going to go the course of the relationship without fighting or disagreeing. There are going to be problems, struggles, etc, that's life.

 

And affair requires little or no effort.

 

You don't have to be accountable for anything, as you do in real relationships.

 

And if something better comes along for you, you can leave the man you're having an affair with. And it's not like he can object because he's married with kids.

 

So maybe, for you, he's just a filler. Having him calms some of your insecurities.

 

But what you are doing is soooo wrong. I'm assuming you guys sleep together. How do you know he's not sleeping with a lot of other people?

Not safe, health wise.

 

I mean, this is just all bad.

 

And do you want to ruin whatever reputation you have? What about his kids? What if they find out about you, the "homewrecker".

 

How will you feel about that? Knowing you've made little children cry. That would realllly suck.

 

Anywho, he's not telling his wife about you, obviously, so guess what? He's a liar.

And if he has no problem lying to the woman who's given birth to his children, then trust me when I say he'll have noooooooo problem lying to you.

 

Besides, I'm sure he's feeling really confident about now. So if you leave, he'll just find the "next" girl.

[JadedStar]

Gotta give annie her props for this post because it says it all.

 

Yes, the poor husband syndrome is the biggest excuse in the book. I seriously doubt she even cheated on him.

 

Maybe you should ring her up.

 

I especially like what annie said about your girlfriends being leary with you around their b/f's. Even tho you may know you wouldn't do that the fact that you have carried on as a married man's mistress for three years has destroyed your credibility. NOt many women want to even be AROUND a woman like that.

 

EDIT: Just realized this was an old thread! If the OP comes back i hope she can tell us she broke it off and if others are going thru something similar and finds it i hope this can help!

[catwalk]

he is not that way, Nifty_Swifty... his wife is the one who cheated on him initially: before then he was totally committed to her, but after she gave birth to someone else's child (whom he has accepted as his own) he could never ever have feelings for her again. he said that he tried to cheat on her for revenge bt he couldn't even get an erection with another girl initially because he used to care for his wife so much...

 

his marriage is a torture, and I know that he will be fine financially with my help (I am graduating with a Master's in Bioengineering next year)... you don't understand, we are perfect for each other, and he even said that he would never cheat on me if I was his wife.

I wish you could see that everything he says is a lie. You are 100% blinded by love for this man that is using you and will keep using you until you are a shell of a woman.

 

EVERYTHING. No really, every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie, twisted truth, or downright rubbish.

 

Take everything he's ever said (in regards to his wife especially) and what he feels or would do and in reality he feels or would do the exact opposite. If you think back, and put in the real truth, you would be horrified.

 

Not sure how many other ways I can say it.

 

But to answer the topic question, no he will not leave his wife. You will continue to cry & hurt until what I have said finally sinks in one day. It's up to you to decide how many more days of your life you want to spend crying & having your heart ache with dispair.

 

Damn him for doing this to you. He'll have a special spot in hell.

 

I just saw this post is from 2005 - OOPS!