Urgent Help Needed.. Wife wants to call it quits

[Soon2BDvrcd]

I won't go into too much past history (before our marriage) here or else I'll be writing all day.

My wife and I have been married for a year and a half and dated for three years before that (previous to that, we were best friends for 6 years). She has a three year old daughter (not mine) - we began dating when I returned from college, then she found out she was a couple of months pregnant. I was there as the 'father' since pregnancy, birth and everything after (I was even in the delivery room and cut the cord).

 

Two weeks after we married, her parents begin a violent divorce which is only now starting to come to an end. Ever since that time, things started going bad. At the time, I was running my own internet business (grossing about $12k/month). My wife seemed to slip into a depression when her parents' problems came into the light. She was often becoming hysterical most days, requiring my constant attention - For most of the first year of our marriage, I was our sole source of income, took care of my wife and our/her child and took care of the house. After the first year, my internet business was crumbling because of lack of attention. At this point I have no choice but to get a job, but even the income from that was not enough to pay our basic bills. To make a very long story short, we slipped into debt and nearly got evicted before my wife was willing to work. When she got a job, she would call out on nearly 25% of her shifts and ended up quitting or getting fired within a month (for four consecutive jobs).

About two months ago, we both get a job working at the same place. My wife is fairly happy working there but has still been depressed. About a week ago, I convince her that she might be depressed and got her to see a doctor. The doctor confirms that she is severely depressed and begins her on an anti-depressant, Effexor. She is on her sixth daily pill today and has told me she wants to separate... She still seems to show the signs of depression, but the medicine is definitely starting to affect her (her sleeping is a lot more regular, she's become more self confident and her energy level is rising.. i feel like she's reverting back to her old self before her parents split).

There is more to it than this, if you can believe it...

We obviously have not had an easy relationship... I seem to have grown up a little too fast and was trying my best to keep our family on track, but my wife sees it as me 'being her father'. It started as this and we seem to argue a lot more than before.. seems like more and more as the days go by.

 

I'll get to the point now...

My wife tells me it's time for her to go her own way so she can provide a good life for her and her child. Her recent frustration at our arguments is at that point of no return and she just does not want to try to give anything a shot (counciling, waiting for the medicine to take full effect.. which the doctor said can take 3-5 weeks, etc...).

 

I know that I have been providing a good life for her and her/our child. I am also a big enough man to admit that I have made some mistakes in the whole process too (and I openly admit these things to her and express my desire to not repeat my past mistakes).

I am also willing to put aside my feelings that most of my 'mistakes' were a result of the way she was acting or making me feel.. BTW.. my 'mistakes' aren't anything one might consider serious and grounds for divorcing someone. She mainly refers to disagreements and arguments where I get upset and sometimes yell as my 'mistakes'. However, I have felt in all situations where I have spoken too loudly to her that she sent my mind into complete confusion, pushing me to yell.. yes, this might sound silly to those who don't know what I'm talking about, but I think any man has experienced some 'irrational thinking' from a female.. the kind of thinking that defies all logic and reason (for example.. she might be getting dressed one day and she'll ask how she looks when she is done.. every now and again, she'll take my response completely opposite of what I say.. for example, I say 'you look great, honey'.. and her response is something like 'do i look that terrible? if i really looked 'great' then you would tell me i look beautiful!' - I am not an insensitive man, btw.. I do know about how women perceive things.. about their self-image having a lot to do with their moods, etc.. But I am terrible at selecting what seem to be the 'right' words... there seems to be tons of words that will set her off like fireworks, like 'great' and 'fine' and 'ok').

 

Hopefully somebody out there understands what I am trying to say.. I know my thoughts are little off-beat right now.

I guess I'm looking for answers to these questions:

 

Have I been a terrible person somewhere along the way, enough so to not merit a second chance?

Can this new anti-depressant she is on be causing some of this? (In one of two ways I guess.. 1-Lifting the depression is causing more self-confidence and the desire to tackle the world on her own ... or 2-Because it's only a week into the medication, maybe the entire haze of depression isn't gone but the medication has lift her spirits enough to make her think she's nearly better ... leading to her believing it may be me she needs to get rid of)

I've tried to convince her to finish her first month of medication and then if she still wants to leave me, I'll respect her choice. I just feel like this may be happening as a result of the medication - I don't know if that is true or not, but I don't want to call it quits and keep wondering the rest of my life (BTW.. I have a lot of life left to go too.. I'm 22 and my wife is 23) .

 

 

Many thanks to anyone that might be able to shed some light on my situation.

Ryan

[Beec]

Stop fighting her on the divorce. Stop fighting with her entirely. If you resist at this moment, you will have more difficulties.

 

I sent you a pm.

[providentielle]

This sounds like a very difficult situation, not only do you have to deal with the feelings you have for your wife but also the child you have brought up together and the implications a split would have on you seeing her. I presume that the medication will be a big factor in how your wife feels now and the decisions she is making, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do right now to change how she feels. I can only imagine how hard it will be but I think she could do with some time to let her medication take its full effect and to have the chance to work out how she really feels. You can only do so much and the rest is in her hands. I know that must be a scary prospect because it means you have to step back but there is a proverb, if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you it is yours, if it does not, then it never was. Also, if you try to hold onto something too tightly, that is often when it slips through your fingers. Good luck

[DN]

I agree with Beec you should stop fighting the divorce and stop fighting. Tell her that if that is what she wants to go ahead. But make her do all the work in finding a lawyer and actually going ahead with the process. You only respond to what she does. She gets a lawyer to write to you - then you get a lawyer, etc. Put the ball firmly back in her court at every stage.

 

Don't argue at anything she says. If what she wants is unreasonable then just say so and then keep quiet. Be civil, calm and show no extreme emotion. Don't let her annoy you or provoke you in any way. Treat your child as you usually do.

 

If she changes her mind and want to stay after all, be aware of this: studies have shown that some depression is best treated with a combination of meds and therapy - not just twice as effective but many times more effective.

 

link removed

[Day_Walker]

It sounds like you are getting out of a volitile situation that you need to be out of. She has made her decision as to what she wants to do and you have refuted her decision. Thats where your fighting about the divorce issue needs to stop. It sounds like she needs to realize some things and let her do that. I am not trying to give you hope of you two getting back together but I am saying that the situation you were in was less than ideal. You are still young, learn from these mistakes that you have made and be aware with your future endevours.

[arwen]

Hey Ryan,

 

I am sorry for the difficult situation you are in right now. I agree with Beec and DN, stop fighting the divorce.

 

It does generally take 3-5 weeks for the Effexor to have the intended balanced effect. I am on it myself, and remember being full of 'new' plans and 'good' ideas the first period, although I felt physically ill. On what dosis did your wife start? In the beginning, it's possible to feel quite a 'high' from the increase of serotonine, noradrenaline and dopamine in the blood.

 

DN is right, I even dare to claim that in most cases treatment with just pills has very little effect. Especially when it's the first time someone is being treated for depression (I can imagine myself years from now- I might decide to go back on antidepressants and be supervised by a psychiatrist but not start the old digging in the past all over again).

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[Soon2BDvrcd]

Thanks for everyone's help so far.

I got your pm Beec and took a look.. I'm a smart guy so I seem to have a good direction to take from here... I'm dropping the fighting, that's for sure. One of the reasons I consider myself a smart guy is that I can usually view my own situations from 'outside the box'. Unfortunately, I'm left sitting here feeling a bit stupid for not succeeding at doing so this time around... In exploring the 'stop fighting..' tehnique, I thought of how a conversation might go with me agreeing to everything she says..

 

Sorry for breaking in mid-thought.. I'll get back to that in a moment.

While writing that, I thought of 'Day_Walker' saying 'It sounds like you are getting out of a volitile situation that you need to be out of'... I completely agree with what he/she is saying. In most cases, this would be something I would run from as fast as possible. What keeps me from doing so is that fact I love my wife and our/her child. Our lives together are finally getting straight.. she has gotten over her parents' split and has taken a more active role in our family. Even with all of this, if she expressed her lack of love for me I would probably take a hike - The fact is that it is not that way.. She is being very open with me right now, albeit a little time away (entirely understandable) - She says she still loves me and cares for me deeply, which is why she hasn't just made this decision and packed her things.. we are still living together currently.. she is still coming home at night and we still sleep in the same bed.

All of these factors tell me that we have something worth saving.. we just disagree too much... Now I'll get back to my previous thought:

 

Speaking on my envisioning a conversation with her where I go along with everything she says:

 

I can do this and have thought about how it can be approached. I interrupted with that long paragraph to show that we are talking and things are very friendly, considering the situation. She is out right now taking our/her daughter to a relative's house nearby so we can have the evening to talk, so she is due back in the next hour or so. I figure i can get her to tell me why she wants to leave.. but more specifically what about me is making her want to leave. I do know what she will say, but this time i'll be agreeing to everything she says. A lot of her problems with me is that now that she's coming out of her cloud of depression, she sees me unhappy a lot.... Thinking about all of this made me realize that I wasn't able to look 'outside the box' this time.. Maybe I need to seek the same help that she has recently sought. She has mentioned this before, but I think she feels as if I think nothing is wrong with me and for quite a while I have thought just that.. If I was unhappy, it was because she was unhappy. Perhaps that's how it all started, but that is not how it is now that she is out of that equation.. I'm just left unhappy.

 

Do you guys think it would be a good idea to suggest to her that I seek some help? I personally think it will blow her out of the water.

 

Many thanks again for all of your help. I'm already feeling a little better.. not really about the situation, but about what I can do/not do to help reverse my problem... It does make a lot of sense though.. she doesn't like the fighting, asks for a divorce, which then sets off more fighting, which drives her further away.

[Beec]

You suggesting you get help may be a very good idea.

 

Everyone always says, we need to work on our relationship, but what your partner hears is "You want me to change."

 

What you need to do to get them to change is make them want to change. Not tell them flat out to do so.

 

You being unsure of you staying together and you getting help are good ideas immediately. But you should also let her know you still love her.

[Soon2BDvrcd]

Ilse,

 

My wife is starting on 75mg... her first week of pills are 37.5mg.

Does anyone think it would be a good/bad idea to mention some of Ilse's experiences with Effexor to my wife? I really have been thinking this might have something to do with what is going on, although I realize this is not all of it... I have definitely noticed my wife heading in this direction since the medication started.

 

Thanks again for all of your help.. the wife and kid are home now, so I'm off to be cheering and agreeing

Wish me luck

[Day_Walker]

I dont doubt that you love your wife and your child, that wasnt a question so it was given. What I am referring to his her behavior, if you want to call it her depressed state then yes call it that. I am talking about what is best for your situation, it would be self destructive for you to stay in a situation where you werent wanted. As you can see it would cause more problems which wouldnt get you anywhere. Yes you do have strong feelings for your wife and your child, just because you love a person doesnt mean that you are or can be with them, it simply means that you love them and the relationship for whatever reason doesnt work.