Do I listen to my heart or my mind? the 1 year debate

[fulton1734]

Hello...this is my story, which I have debated on and off for about 1 year or so....

 

I am 25, and have been dating a girl for almost 3 years now. When we first met, everything was great.....it wasn't sweep me off my feet amazing....but everything was good....and we quickly got together and very serious. Things were pretty good, and we have never had any major problems with anything....we never argue....we simply never have problems. However, for the past year or so....I have been feeling that at some point, I have to realize if this is a person I can spend my life with, or not...and if not. You would think after 3 years you could know that. And....I basically am losing all feelings for her....don't get me wrong, I care about her deeply....but it is turning into that...she's my best pal love....not, I am passionate about you love. And, I have been debating if you should break up with someone when you dont have a good reason. I have never been in a long term relationship...this being my first.

 

I just feel like my heart isnt there anymore....and I have no feelings. She often is a bit annoying, but in that...little sister kind of way. I just cant make up my mind, because she is the best person I have ever met, and she is so great to me, and we get along so well...and we never have problems.....but what about the something my heart is missing? Is my heart full of it?...just messing with my head?

 

My friends all think she just isnt the one....but it is so hard to make that choice when nothing has happenned to cause me to leave her. I fell as if I have so much invested in this relationship, and I DO love her....but its as if she is just my little sis......which obviously, isnt desireable. Can you break up with someone you love?...and go to nothing? I was always under the impression that when you break up with someone you should feel immediately happy...but i know if i do, it will be as if I was broken up with. But it always comes back to my heart.....and i just feel like there is something else my heart needs.

 

If anyone can advise......I need it. I have been 51/49 % break up one day, and 49/51 stay together the next for over a year........and i can't do it much longer.....listen to my heart, or my head?

 

Thanks

[lovelynns]

1 year debate

 

First thing, you need to decide yourself what to do... no one on this site will be able to give you a completely acruate reply because we dont know either of you.

 

Second, normally I'd say to take your time in deciding such a serious decision but you've been in this situation for a year so scratch that idea.

 

Instead.

 

You need to decide if you're better because of her. If every fiber of your being loves her. If you can't wait to get married. If you're holding yourself back from jumping her at least once a day. If you have romantic evenings even when you stay at home to save money. You need to be asking yourself these types of questions.

 

If any of those questions were answered with a no or even a not sure.. then you need to make sure you're not settling.

 

I myself want to be out of mind in love with the person I marry someday. I'm 20 and have been in a relationship for over a year now. I've been blessed to find a man where I can't stand to be away from him. I put my entire HEART into the relationship from the beginning, and I am now out of my mind in love with him. I even moved and changed schools to make things better. I want to marry Douglas (boyfriend 23) and I pray that we'll know when we're ready to make that leap. You might feel that you shouldn't give up something that's comfortable. But comforate sometimes fades.. I don't have a previous relationship that is similar to yours to help me explain, however Douglas has a great example. He had a relationship of three years where he continued to date her because of comfort. Things were easy, nice, and ok. There was no passion, no I'm going to love you NO MATTER WHAT, no sacrifice, no life long love. He ended up leaving the girl of three years to see if there was more. Comfort plus passionate love.

 

He met me a year later and we couldn't be happier. He tells me I'm his other half. I am so glad he took that chance. Meeting him has changed my entire life for the better.

 

Third, I don't know you but I think you deserve both comfort and passionate love... dont you? ok, I'm not saying this is going to be easy and you'll find both in a matter of days, it's going to be hard. But some of the best things in life are worth waiting and searching for.

 

If you have been questioning this relationship for an entire year, I believe the answer is clear. You're not sure; you're comfortable, and trying to give the relationship a chance... but dont you think a year of asking yourself heart or head... means you want to listen to your heart. Your head would have made you decide already.

 

To sum up everything:

Ask yourself this question...

Will you be a better person your entire life if she's there as your partner?

 

I hope at least some of this helps. I'll be praying for the both of you.

 

God Bless,

 

Linds

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi Thomas,

 

I dont know if I can give you advice, I just want to tell you my point of view from the other side.

 

My bf, with whom I was together for 2.5 years, totally in love with, wanted to marry him and raise a family,... left me 7 months ago. Not because he met somebody else, or because he did not care about me anymore, but because he could not see a future for us.

 

He had been feeling this way for about 6 months prior to breaking up. The thing that made him go through with his decision, was me pushing for marriage and children and he just knew that he would not be able to give me that in the next 5-10 year, maybe never.

 

Well, I was completely heartbroken and could not believe that it was really over. Especially as he still seemed to care about me and for the first 1.5 months sent me a few messages per day.

 

Well, a month ago I have finally realized that even though he cares about me, and probably would love to be my friend, he just does not love me anymore, not in the way a boyfriend or husband should. thereforeeee I have decided to walk away and rebuild my life without him in it.

 

I guess he was in a similar position to you before he actually broke up with me. If I had the power to go back in time and make him change his mind, I would not.

 

If he feels this way about me (ambivalent, more friendly than passionately) than I dont want to be with him. Like him, I deserve someone who loves me with all his heart and wants to be with me for good.

 

I can't tell you to leave your girlfriend if you feel this way, because that is your decision. And I am sure that if you will leave her, she will feel distroyed.

 

Just wanted to let you know how someone who has been in a similar situation feels.

 

Good luck for you and your girlfriend.

[RayKay]

First I just want to say what you are going through is what many men and women go through at some point in their lives.

 

After reading your entire post, my first thought was "she is not the one for him". Now it is possible since this is your first "serious" relationship that you are also lacking comparison as relationships do change over time after the honeymoon period is over, but the fact is that even if this was your first relationship ever, you would KNOW after three years if this was the one or not, and if you wanted to spend your life with her.

 

We all have doubts at some point or another, or cold feet, but given you have been going through this for a year and the feelings are growing less, I would say that it is most probable that she is just not the RIGHT girl for you. That does not mean you can't care about her, and love her in some way, but it does mean you do not see her as the person you want to spend your life with and grow with, or the one you are madly passionate and in love with.

 

My last ex broke up with me as he loved me, and "wanted" to be with me, but just knew in his heart I was not the "one" for him. It was terribly hard for both of us when he ended it as there was no "real reason" like in your case to end it...but in time I realized myself that the reason was there all the time - he would never be able to be for me what I deserved. He would never be IN love with me, he was a great friend, and tons of fun (still is, we are still friends) but he would never be the boyfriend/mate I deserved and needed. He would always have doubts and never be madly in love with me. That WAS a reason.

 

A few months later I met my current partner and we are right for one another, we are each others ones, we know we want to be together and create a life together....and so I am fortunate I was freed from the man who did not feel all that, and could not provide that for me so I could find the one who was my ONE, and whom I was his ONE. I found everything I deserved and have never been happier

 

Trust me, you will not be immediately happy when you break up - it is very rare that happens, and in those cases I would doubt the humanity of that dumper. You will need to heal too - I know it was hard for my ex. It will take time, and you may even regret it at times. But you need to follow your heart, and right now your heart is telling you this is not right for you and something is missing - because it is. If you are that close to 50-50 everyday about breaking up, I really think it is something you KNOW you need to do, but are fearful of that step.....but if you don't, you are ALWAYS going to wonder, and it is NOT fair to her either to keep her around when you know you cannot feel the same way - you are preventing her from having her needs met, and her from finding that happiness and future you are unsure you can give her.

 

I would personally advise that you do seriously consider ending it. I know you feel there is no reason, but I think you should reread your post, and see that there are glaring reasons....you are just not as into her as you know in your heart you should be with someone you want to spend your life with. Its time to set both of you free.

 

Good luck, and please PM me if you need any more help.

[Day_Walker]

The root of your problem is that you need to know and decide what love means to you. Specifically you need to ask yourself if you are marry a person what kind of love should you have for them. No one can answer that question but you. Everybody is going to have their ideas about love and "in love" which is what I believe you are talking about. Think about it, struggle with it and then you will have your answer.

[lovelynns]

Hey, this is Douglas, the boyfriend of the girl who owns this account. She asked me to give my POV since - as she mentioned - I went through a similar experience.

 

This seems very complicated. Matters of love are made out to be that way. But really, this is a simple thing. The only thing that's complicated is that you let it go on so long.

 

The question to ask it, "Does being with this person make me as happy as I can reasonably expect from a relationship?"

 

Clearly the answer for you is no.

 

In my opinion, staying with your boy/girlfriend too long even though you're unhappy is a common problem because there's "so much invested" or because of comfort.

 

Additionally, you say that your friends tell you she is not the one. The same was true for me. Listen to your friends.

 

Ultimately, the reason you're posting this is because you know what you need to do and you're looking for a reason not to or you're procrastinating.

 

Bite the bullet and take care of business.

[chai714]

Additionally, you say that your friends tell you she is not the one. The same was true for me. Listen to your friends.

 

Never listen to your heart. Your heart can't think, but your brain can and does. For whatever reason, you're not emotionally satisfied with your relationship. Like RayKay said, everyone goes through these range of emotions. Evaluate the relationship as a whole and her character. Is this someone who is marriage material down the road, or is she just fun to be around for now?

 

Don't listen to your friends on this one. It's YOUR relationship, not theirs. Single friends are frequently envious of relationships, and will give you advice based on what they want for you but that might not necessarily be in your best interest. The bottom line - it's your life and YOU make the decisions and are responsible for them. If you have a weak mind, then you should listen to any advice given by your friends and do what they say. If you believe you're in control of your life though, make a decision on your own and then deal with whatever consequences your decision brings.

[newts]

Hi Thomas,

 

It is true that only you can make this decision as it is yourm relationship.

We have all grown up with the fantasy that things should be lusty passionate and fulfilling with our partners 90% of the time. This, however, is the mis-conception.

 

When I had my first true relationship (many years ago when I was 17) I was madly in love with my partner that lasted 4 years, after 8mths I broke it off, I believed overnight I had fallen out of love with him. After a week we got back together and it went on for another 3 years. We had what I thought was an unbreakable bond and I ended it by going out with somebody else the same day I broke up with him. He harassed me for about 4 weeks and himself started going out with somebody else.

I have had many loving relationships which have ended for no apparent reason and I can say confidently, that even though I loved these people I made these decisions with my head not my heart.

 

Don't forget, all relationships get stagnet and the passion dies, it is what you have with this person after the passion dies that will ignite your heart and soul in a different form of passion. If the fire is smouldering, you need to of course put your true feels first, however, you need to also think about your partners feelings as their perfect partner maybe just around the corner.

 

Good Luck.